Hi all,

Just to let you all know that I have now posted the edited version and look forward to your thoughts and further comments.

Thanks to all that commented and especially to Steve (coopbazinga) for emailing me some detailed notes.

Looking forward to your responses.

Regards Alex

Hey Alex,

I’ve just read this again and a lot has improved and you’ve managed to shave off about a page I think so good on you for keeping at it.

However, the writing still needs to be tightened up and you need to get rid of all the superfluous details which for me play no part in the story you’re trying to tell.

There is one instance which comes to mind as an example which was the same in “Serial Killer” I believe. Scott strolls down the street with Porches and BMW’s parked up, great so now we know it’s a rich suburb which is what you’re trying to get across…

…But then you go on to introduce five characters and describe what they’re doing at that moment like an electrician fixing an antenna on the roof. These characters never come back and have no bearing on the story whatsoever IMO and this for me is what you need to work on, it’s about trimming the fat and getting to heart of your story.

Also the story is still too well over the top but that’s just my personal opinion, I think you need to scale down on his hoarding to be more realistic but it all depends on the tone you’re going for… if it’s supposed to be over the top then my apologies.

Apart from all that, there are still some very basic errors happening like the parentheticals which are all wrong.

                                             SCOTT
                                   Hello. (With a smile)

Should be:
                                             SCOTT
                                       (With a smile)
                                   Hello.

Also Aimee’s dialogue, she changes to “teller” at one point so you might want to change that.

And you don’t need “the end” and “fade out” at the end, one will suffice IMO.

Like I say, a lot has improved and good on you for cracking out a rewrite so quickly but this still needs to cleaned up IMO for a smoother read.

Hope this helps, buddy.

Steve

Hi Alex - seen you around, so I thought I give this a quick read - half-minded to go back through all the feedback.

One of the first pieces of feedback you got was from nawazm1:

Page 1: "A homeless man Scott" How do we know he's homeless? Cut it IMO.

Which bit of this feedback did you notice? Myself, I took in 'page 1'. Mainly because it matters - when you open stuff - first impressions & stuff.

Lets be honest. This is a mess:

'A homeless man SCOTT (35) with long messy hair and a long beard awakes and places a beanie on his head and then tidies up the rags he slept on.'

-- did you mean all in one smooth movement?

So let's take a step back for a moment:

INT. DESERTED SHED - MORNING

We're inside the shed, so how is it deserted?

So first we see -- SCOTT (35), matted hair, etc.

Then -

He awakes.

Then -

He places a beanie on his head.

Else --

SCOTT35withmessyhairwakesupandplacesabeanieonhishead.

And then it becomes a tin shed? Okay. How about:

INT. TIN SHED - DAY

Beams of light pour in through holes in the tin shed's roof.

SCOTT (35), ... etc

Thanks Steve,

I will go through the script and try and shave a bit more of to make it easier to read.

I left the electrician part in the script because it shows that the electrician does not trust Scott as he walks close to his van and keeps an eye on him. Scott is perceived as dishonnest or desperate  because of the way he looks and this segment reinforces that. So i feel it is relevant to the script as a whole.

I will try and shorten the descriptions about the characters and leave it more to the director (If any) to decide.

I was trying to make the story a bit over the top as the house needs to look half decent compared to the over the top houses that exist in the street. I am thinging of creating the house with a series of several phots's though not sure if i should or how to go about it in a script.

I recently noticed a few errors on the script and have fixed them, "the teller" being one of them.

I also have some location photo's that i took from Streetview though no idea how to put the JPG on this thread. I will look into it.

Thanks for your help and looking forward to meeting some time.

Regards Alex  

Thanks SiColl007,

Now I am a bit confused, If I take out the word homeless, how will they know what he looks like ? I guess the word homeless sets the scene for the way he is dressed, looks, how dirty he is and maybe even his mental wellbeing.

If I was to Say Scott (35) with matted hair would it give the same impression of him ?

You are also correct with the wording "Deserted Shed" maybe "Derelict Shed" may be more appropriate.

As I am new to this, I am still coming to terms with the amount of detail I need to write or more importantly, not write. Please forgive my lack of experience.

Looking forward to picking the brains of those gifted writers !!!!!

Alex

Hello all,

Below are a couple of Location Pic to give you an image of the intended  filming location for this script.

Hi Alex

First off, great idea of posting photos of locations. Personally, I thought the way you described the setting was fine as it is, but the pics certainly helped matters.

I haven't read the feedback on this, so I hope I don't repeat too much.

I found the beginning a little slow and you lost me in a few places. From the bank scene onwards, I got fully into the script, which is a bit worrying as that scene comes in towards the end. Nevertheless, I did enjoy it.

Page 5:

                SCOTT
       (As he gives a wave) Good Morning.

Should be...

                SCOTT
       (As he gives a wave)
  Good Morning.

On page 6, you have Scott talking to Danielle and then he starts talking to Horrie and Myrtle. Nothing wrong there, except you don't really explain what has happened to Danielle. She kinda isn't there all of a sudden.

Page 7:

               SCOTT
  Hello. (with a smile)

Should be...

               SCOTT
        (with a smile)
  Hello.

By this point in the script, I've noticed that you like to use parentheticals, a lot, which is fine. Just one suggestion... keep them short and to the point, so we don't lose track of your story.

e.g.
              SCOTT
       (with a smile)
  Hello.

could easily just be...

             SCOTT
       (smiling)
  Hello.

You may find this picky, but at this stage in your writing it's the little things that count. You can easily cut down on unnecessary words and still get the main point across.

When you say "Westpac" you mean the bank, right? I'm not too sure on this, but I think "Westpac" is an Australian and New Zealand company only. The use of a brand name here is fine for a kiwi reader (such as myself) or an Australian reader. What about an American reader who reads this and has no idea who "Westpac" are and what they do? Just something to think about.

Page 8: "INT. BANK - MANAGERS OFFICE - MID MORNING" - Why not just have it as "BANK" when we first enter "WESTPAC"?

Page 9: "Just at that moment "Aimee" walks into the room holding a tray..." - Why do you have Aimee in quotation marks?

Overall, a bit slow at the start, but I enjoyed it. I could go more in depth if you really want. The picky side of me has found a few things that I didn't think worked too well. If you're interested in finding out what these are, just let me know and I can certainly give you a bit more feedback.

Look forward to seeing more on this one

Daniel

Quoted from Alex_212 Now I am a bit confused, If I take out the word homeless, how will they know what he looks like ? I guess the word homeless sets the scene for the way he is dressed, looks, how dirty he is and maybe even his mental wellbeing. If I was to Say Scott (35) with matted hair would it give the same impression of him ?

I think this is the key to the writing though - "If I take out the word homeless, how will they know what he looks like ?" - the 'they' that you refer to - isn't this going to be the viewers? Or are you refering to crew members? Irrespective, you still have to get this across to viewers, and write as a visual medium. Viewers certainly won't see the word, so does he roll his sleeping bag up - there's a number of visual cues you can give to ensure a watching audience understand.

Quoted from Alex_212 You are also correct with the wording "Deserted Shed" maybe "Derelict Shed" may be more appropriate.

I'm pretty sure you've gotten confused here ... or you're confusing the reader a little - your slug is INT. but your derelict/deserted makes more sense for EXT. But also, I'm starting to wonder what size the shed is - is it like a garden shed, or is it huge. But then you showed external locations -- so it may be better to go for an:

EXT. LOCATION -DAY
Description of deserted shed.
INT. SHED etc

As your opening image, it's pretty important that you get it right and that you're happy with it ...

This is well on its way now... still a simple payoff - but I think it works... at least in my imagination... :/

Thanks Gerrybuilt

I have thinned it out a bit more since the update and I think it is even more readable, so I hope to post a final draft soon.

Thanks for reinforcing my thoughts on the ending, as I doubted whether it needed more or whether the smile by Scott reveals his thought that he stuck it up them all. I think it is subtle but effective.

Regards Alex

Hi Alex.

Enjoyed reading this short...especially the visuals of him slowly building up his ramshackle home with perfectly good thrown out stuff from the new posh neighbours.

I liked the beginning too, and don't really understand peoples concern with not getting that he's homeless - what more can you do? Put a sign round his neck saying 'Homeless. Please give generously'...(well I suppose that could work)

I think you could maybe tighten up some of the descriptives...but for me it wasn't overly done and really aided in the storytelling IMO.

The strongest parts for me was in showing what people do throw away - both in wasted food and materials.

I can see why this has had offers. It has a nice flow, and with the right actors it could be a charming short.

The Bank stuff also worked, though the Bank Manager was the weakest character IMO and could do with some tweaks. Liked the little boy noticing him pocketing the biscuits...and the rotten teeth at the end when we see him smile...

Yeah, enjoyed. Good luck with the writing.

Thanks Robbie37,

Thanks for reading, I really enjoyed writing this and since this edit was posted I have thinned it out to make it even more readable so I will take into account the recent comments then post a final.

IYO what do you thing I need to do with the bank manager to make his character stronger ?
I am starting a new trend here with IYO. If we can use IMO then IYO must work.

I have had emails from at least 5-6 Sydney production companies though nothing has been confirmed, so i'm hopeful that someone will take it on.

This is the first script I have ever completed so I am over the moon from the comments.

I have always been a storyteller, just never a screenwriter so i think i have found my purpose in life.

Regards Alex

A simple gag is a common feature of many short films...  This is one of my favourites of all time, from Tropfest 2000, "Old Man".  

I think that this could be done just as well...  Good Luck with it, Alex...

Thanks GerryBuilt,

Watched it and it is well done. Had a giggle at the end as I was not sure throughout what he was doing ? I thought he had mental issues at first.

It is very simple but effective.

Hopefully if mine is done correctly, it will be lighthearted to watch and can also be read into much deeper if the viewer chooses to.

Thanks for comparing it to this.

Regards Alex

I really enjoyed this. The action lines really drew me in and at first it felt like a silent movie. I had no idea where the story was heading which was good for me. I had a gut churning moment when Scott was picking his meal from the wheelie bin – lol.

There is a nice quality to your writing and the whole story flowed along beautifully. I liked the last line too and for me it seems a good ending but I’m not sure how this would come across on screen.

Kellie