4 pages of a kid doing a math test....Not exactly my thing, although I do understand the kids frustration and the writing was pretty good, overall ok

Mark

Quoted from danbotha I think it's about time I had a script that delivered on both sides.

You and me both, mate.

Hi Daniel,

This was pretty well written, but unfortunately I'm going to have to agree with what others have said in that it doesn't really work as a short. It would be fine as a scene in a longer script, but as a stand-alone short it is lacking in humour or charm and ultimately doesn't really seem to have much of a point. I picked up on a few things that could be changed to help the script read better:


Page 1

The character description:

'DEVIN MARCUS (15), brown hair, regular build, sits at a desk in a quiet classroom. His school uniform is worn, creased and scruffy.'

Including the character's hair colour and build is totally redundant here as it has no bearing on the rest of the script. Adding something about how he is sat would tell us more about the character than including his hair colour. For example:

'DEVIN MARCUS (15), sits slouched at a desk in a quiet classroom. His school uniform is worn, creased and scruffy.'

---------------

'Devin looks behind him, at a GIRL (15) who writes neatly on her page.' - If you don't want to give the girl an actual name or description, you should at least name her in a way that tells us more about her. By simply naming her BOOKISH GIRL or SWOTTY GIRL instantly gives the reader a better picture of the character.

---------------

'He opens the test booklet, beginning to read.' - Not only have you used a dreaded 'ing' word, but this sentence also reads awkwardly. You don't really even need to tell us that he's started to read - 'He opens the test booklet' would be enough.


Page 2

'Devin circles the algebraic symbol that stands for 'equal or bigger than.' He puts a line through the question, moving on.' - Another sentence that reads awkwardly & contains an 'ing' word. Do we really need to know what the symbol stands for?

'Devin circles the algebraic symbol,puts a line through the question and moves on.' - This tells us everything we need to know & reads a lot better.

---------------

'He turns the page of the booklet, reading.' - Again, we don't really need to be told that he's reading. 'He turns the page of the booklet' is enough information.

---------------

'He stops with the reading, looking up.' - Another sentence that reads awkwardly & contains an 'ing' word. 'He stops reading and looks up.' reads a lot better.


Page 3

'Devin looks up, clearly frustrated. He glares at nothing in particular.' - Him 'glaring at nothing in particular' is totally redundant and doesn't really make sense. If you want to get across that he's angry, 'Devin looks up, glowering, clearly frustrated.' would work better.

---------------

'The Friend sniggers, returning to his test.' - Another awkward sentence & an 'ing' word. 'The Friend sniggers and returns to his test.' makes more sense.


Page 4

'1 Devin + 1 Algebra test = One confused teenage kid.' - would he really refer to himself as a 'teenage kid'? It seems very clunky. 'One confused teenager' or 'One confused kid' would work better.



I also noticed that in several places you have dialogue blocks split over pages. When this happens, the second part of the dialogue should be headed 'DEVIN (V.O) (CONT'D)'. Also, dialogue should never be split mid-sentence.


I hope this helps in some way.

Thanks Steve for the feedback on this one. You raised some valid points regarding the 'ing' words that I use.

Appreciate the read

Daniel

Dan,

Have you written a feature lenght yet? Or you just don't feel to have it up here in SS? Or are you working on one now?

Just curious 'cause your writing aren't bad, maybe a few issues but good, though.

As for me, I can deliver a hundred pages or so in a month if I don't care about the language usage in the script, grammars issue for example. I think I need to colaborate with another writer, otherwise my script(s) will never get to be polished.

I like the way you decribe the actions in those scripts of yours. It's very moving compare to mine(Visit). I used to write a few other short scripts before the Visit but I felt they were too immature and simply trashed them. And here come the Visit giving me the same result. Honestly, I wasn't amazed by your stories because I can come up with a lot better ideas. What impressed me the most was your writing description.

You and others were right, I should read others' scripts to get the idea of writing but hell, I diss it when end up reading a shitty script because I don't stop reading even if it is shitty. That's wierd about me. When I started, I don't stop until finish it. That's why you found me hard to read other peeps' scripts. I mostly read the already produced scripts And most of them are shooting scripts.

Well, your latest script kind of insults me, though. Because I loved algebra. It was my favorite 'cause I found it very exciting after solved the problem. And yet, I never got an A, ever. B at most. Maybe the teacher didn't like me. Lolz... Anyway, why didn't you give the girl a name? Lolz... I was like WTH! Is that girl named GIRL? After I finished it, NO! she didn't own a name because the author is an A-hole, lmao. Over all is good, though. Again, I'm impressed with your description.

JRyans.

Hey James

I haven't written a feature length film just yet. The plan at the moment is to get my foot in the door with short films. I've read up that it's best to just work away at that until you really get that whole success thing going. I am currently brainstorming a feature length set in South Africa during the apartheid years, so that should be interesting.

Quoted from JR After I finished it, NO! she didn't own a name because the author is an A-hole, lmao. Over all is good, though. Again, I'm impressed with your description. JRyans.

Yes. I'm an A-hole because I didn't give one of my characters a name... lol. Let me explain myself there. The Girl in the script is a minor character, therefore I didn't see the point in naming her. That has always been my view on it. I think this is the perfect opportunity to mention that I'm terrible with names and I've always had trouble naming them. It is for this reason that I avoid naming characters that I don't have to.

Thanks for the read, James

Daniel

Hey Daniel, I too have a strong hatred for algebra so I got a kick out of this. I do think it could use a stronger ending and could be a little more fleshed out, but overall I think the writing is solid and as a fellow math hater, I could definitely relate to it, good job.

Hey Ectoplasm

Thanks for the read!

Glad to see you enjoyed it. This is one of my 'fun' pieces, meaning I didn't write it as a serious script. Just wanted to write something, so I thought why not take it out on math

Daniel

Dan the Man. I'm not as critical of this effort as others seem to be. I thought it showed the character's personality quite well.

The use of the voice over is something I'm off and on about. Wonder Years, Stand By Me, The Middle, V.O. is used to grand effect. I'm going to offer a piece of advice that I hope you consider. Make this the teaser to a half hour television comedy. If you've seen Raising Hope or The Middle, you'll know what I'm envisioning.

Unless the protagonist is Average for a reason, don't make him average. If he is wearing worn clothes, make a point of the other students wearing perfectly pressed clothes. This will automatically make us wonder why this is the case (loner? Poor? just got beat up? Was late to the exam? Skateboard bum?)

There is a line that I think was too bland for this kid:

No, I seriously hate algebra. If
there was a way of abolishing it
from our school system, I would
quite happily do so.

I think it should be something outrageous like:

No, I seriously hate algebra. If algebra were
a puppy drowning in a puddle of dog-eating
piranha, I might push it under, with a smile.

I also wonder at the end where he writes something on his book for his teacher and tells her to solve it. Actually he solved it himself by putting what the equation equals.  I think a better ending might be that he sees a fairly simple bonus question that (oh my God) he thinks he knows the answer to - then the bell rings before he touches his pencil to paper.

Overall, I don't usually read shorts, but I liked this one because I saw the promise of a T.V. series.

Good luck with it, lark or not.

Paul

Hey Paul,

Thank you for providing some feedback on this one. It's probably one of my worst shorts, as it definitely needs the most work.

I usually don't like the use of voiceovers either, but I found that it was the best technique to use in this one. You have some good ideas on this one and I'll definitely have a look at making some of those suggested changes.

Thanks, again. Always appreciate it

Daniel

I actually laughed when i read the opening lines and saw it was about algebra, because when i first read the title it made me think it was about breaking up with girls - exes and whys.

As far as I could tell (lmfao - that doesn't say much) the writing seemed pretty tight. But yeah, the story was - well i kept expecting it to go somewhere. Your man V.O.s his responses to the questions and then takes the mick out of them (internal monologue that's happening during the exam i'm a guess), but to be fair the "humorously practical solution to a story-ed up math question" has been done a fair bit already and for me, after the first time it doesn't stand up to another couple of repetitions.

Plus (and I hate myself for asking this) did you make those questions up or get them out of an actual book? If the first one, then do the second one. If the second one, my maths is more rusty than I realised.

However I'm also with you on not scrapping a script if it can be improved. So my mistaken assumptions about the subject matter, combined with your man's flirt with lassie behind him - I kept expecting some sort of subtle love/break-up story. The questions could be changed to be about a date –

“Frank has $17 to pay for his date with Sue. Cinema tickets cost $4.75. Pop-corn costs $2 small, $4 medium, $6 large. Coke normally costs 75% of popcorn, but if you buy a coke and pop-corn the same size, the coke is only %50 the price of the corn.

Sue and Frank both want pop-corn but Sue wants a bucket to herself. If Frank gets Sue a large bucket of pop-corn, and he gets a medium for himself, what is the largest coke they can share and how much change will Frank have for Sue’s bus home?”

[oh my head hurts like hell now – and I still have no idea if the q makes mathematical sense].

The next question about the time it takes for Sue to ride the bus/Frank to walk to their homes.

Then one about length of time on phones and tariffs ... or some such.

And each q prompts a different response from Devin ->

If she’s an “ex, and why?” there’s an enigma about their break up (with Devin/Girl and Frank/Sue either paralleling or contrasting) which might give the story a bit more bite.

Hey Marriot,

Not gonna lie, this one is probably going to be left as it is. Personally, I don't really see the point in working on a story I hate with a passion.

The questions are based on an algebra exam I wrote earlier in the year, so yeah your maths may be a bit rusty. If it's any consolation, I failed the exam, but saw some great opportunity to base a script on that experience.

I do appreciate the feedback you have provided. Can't thank people enough.

Daniel

lol at that dan no worries

Quoted from danbotha If it's any consolation, I failed the exam ...

Good. Now stick to writing. Maths is for numb-nuts - it's all about thing that can be proved, not suggested. There's never dramatic tension to numbers, no development, no mystery. All the greatest thinkers were really only ever creative. And actually, that's been proved.  

Quoted from Forgive Maths is for numb-nuts

Oh, how I want to show this comment to my maths teacher lol. Bet, she'd love it

Thanks Simon. I'll do whatever I can to make sure I continue to write

Dan