Hey Dan,

Your title caught my eye in the portal and at only four pages, I figured why not? I have to say, I was surprised by your logline. Based on the play on words, I figured this would be some sort of Woody Allen-esque take on relationships or something. That's obviously not the case.

Anyway, I've got nothing new for you unfortunately but I did read it so I figured one more bump couldn't hurt you. Simply put, I didn't like it. I'm never been a fan of V.O. when it's used in this particular way. There's exceptions, of course, but they're few and far between. The dialogue is redunant and the payoff is weak.

At four pages, it's a harmless read. I didn't hate it or anything but it left me cold and I doubt I'll remember it tomorrow. Any longer and it could've been really tedious. That said, I can't say that I've never felt like Devin does in the script. I'd even go so far as to say his sentiments sound authentic. I've always found algebra easier and preferable compared to other maths and academically speaking, I've always hated science the most -- I devour Cracked articles and have a soft spot for Nat Geo but stick me in a chemistry or physics class and I'm skipping to get waffles after attendance has been taken (believe me, I've done it) -- but better believe I've dished out some scorn for algebra.

It seems to me that you intended this -- to appeal to some kind of universal angst or annoyance that everyone has felt in school. The humor doesn't work for me but perhaps it will for others. Still, I personally find the subject matter too broad and generic to hold any relevance other than being a joke that may or may not work for anyone.

Anyway, like I said, you've probably heard this bit before so you know how it goes. You can't please everyone.

"It�s like
trying to chew water. It�s
possible, but pointless."

Wait....what??

I think Devin's mind is just in a "special" dimension. Is it seriously possible to chew water? Assuming you don't mean ice-cubes, of course. I didn't realize liquids were chew-able. And second of all, how is it pointless? It's like a contradiction in terms followed by a non-sequitur. WHAT??? o.O How am I suppose to react to that? Yeah. Frankly, I don't get it. I don't get the humor at all. Devin just seems like a pissed off kid and he has almost no reason to be pissed off because, well, he thinks it's possible to chew water. I can't relate on almost any level with this kid. That line pretty much did it for me. I mean I'm laughing at the fact that he's a moron, I guess

Seriously though, Dan, I think you're better off trying something else and just letting this one go. It's rare a character irritates me this much. Very rare.

-J.S.

Daniel

I like the title.

The writing is smooth, always improving, well done.

It was amusing, had its moments. I think the majority of us will sympathise with Devin’s feeling towards algebra here so you got an immediate connection with the reader.

Although, it’s pretty much all V.O I still enjoyed the beleaguered pupil mulling haplessly over the perplexing equations to himself as all his classmates seemingly get on with it. Again, there are probably a lot of us reading this who can relate to that dreadful felling when you’re underprepared for an exam, especially a Maths one which is virtually bluff proof

DEVIN (V.O.)
In what twisted world does that
question make sense? How’s about
this, you dumb ass... Count your
friggin’ animals yourself, instead
of relying on some poor teenage sod
to come along and magically come up
with an algebraic equation to solve
your stupid problems that no-one
gives a rat’s ass about.

- Nice, pretty much sums up my general attitude towards Maths in school!

DEVIN (V.O.)
alphabet into math. It’s like
trying to chew water.

- Ha, loved the “”chew water” phrase.

A funny punch line to end the piece. Oh if only I had Devin’s balls when I was in school, I would’ve pulled that stunt more times than I'd care to admit.

This would work well as a sketch, like part of some academically themed series of comedic skits, if one such series existed. Very producible too.

Col.

To everyone who has recently read this, without a response from me, I am truly sorry. I didn't realise I had more comments to respond to.

Unfortunately, I still wont be able to respond for a few days. I've come down with a nasty cold/flu/infection type thingy. However, as soon as I get better, I will reply individually to every comment that I received.

BTW, I am still around SS. Just get busy at this time of the year. Expect me to be back with regular posting towards the end of July .

Rock on guys. Great feedback, as usual.

Dan