Okay, overall, I think you have a great concept.  Very funny idea, very funny execution in a lot of the occasions.

I’d challenge you with the same thing that you challenged me with – it needs more funny.  I only chuckled lightly once, there were no laugh out loud funnies (for me).

The thing is you have what I would consider a GENIUS concept. You have TONS of ways that this could be funnier.  Way funnier.  When you have such a great concept and you obviously know how to write, at this point, in this reader’s opinion, it comes down to just coming up with things that will make people laugh.  At this point you have amusing.  You could easily take this to laugh out loud funny.

You do take it into some really interesting spots (specifically Jimmy’s backstory) and that is really cool to me.

You could do a series of these shorts that get funnier and funnier with each one.  This is definitely a good start.

Good luck with future rewrites.


NOTES:

p.1 – why is Brian just standing in front of the strip mall while his voice over is going on?  What is he doing?  Just standing there?  This line feels like it should be him speaking into the camera then cut to Dave showing up.

Hmmm…(think David Koechner).  Pretty sure there’s a pretty hard, fast rule that says not to name actors who you see playing certain parts.  Maybe I missed the memorandum that says you can do that.  I hope I did…cuz I love naming actors.

p.2 ‘…should be shot like a styled CSI episode’ should either be ‘should be styled like a CSI episode’ or ‘…should be shot like a stylized CSI episode’.  ‘Styled CSI episode’ is awkward.

(fails to account for his headphones) is an awkward way to say (loudly) or (too loud).

Dave speaks in present tense and Brian answers in past tense.  Is this meant to be?  Feels weird at this point in the script, but I’m totally willing to be won over.

Okay, now Dave is talking in past tense.  I think he should start off in past tense and stay there.

p.3 – again with the past tense to present tense, this time within the same block of dialogue.

p.4 – funny.  First chuckle: ‘So I figured the same theory must apply for when you’re about to get raped by a rabid, drunk midget’.

Is he ‘laying on the ground, on all fours’? – cuz that’s not ‘laying’.  It should be ‘Dave gets down on all fours’.

I don’t think you even need DAVE’S P.O.V.  It’s frowned upon to give camera directions AND with what you written below, you don’t really need it.  Plus, you never come out of Dave’s POV.  If you’re gonna give a camera direction, then it stays under that direction until you say END POV.

p.6 – good out with the ice cream.

p.8 – if you’re gonna bring up a Richard Marx song, you should bring up something more obscure.  Everyone knows ‘Right Here Waiting’ – pick one of his lesser-known hits – the fact that Brian doesn’t know it and Dave acts like he should makes it funnier (at least to me).

Chazz,
I never thought I'd say this, but thank you for the kind words and helpful suggestions. Seriously, each point is spot on. The past/present tense needs to be fixed and good catches on Dave's POV scene, the CSI description and having him get down on all fours.

I hesitated at naming David Koechner but I wrote it specifically with his voice in mind. I know it's taboo but I couldn't help it.

Brian's initial V.O. was a mistake I noticed after posting, can't believe I missed it the first time.

"When you have such a great concept and you obviously know how to write, at this point, in this reader’s opinion, it comes down to just coming up with things that will make people laugh.  At this point you have amusing.  You could easily take this to laugh out loud funny."
Agreed, right now it's more of a chucklefest than lough out loud.

"p.6 – good out with the ice cream."
If this were ever filmed and handled correctly I think this could get the biggest laugh in the script. Nothing like a midget that looks like Chucky stumbling around in extreme pain with an ice cream brain freeze.
I honestly thought "right here waiting" would be too obscure for a lot of people, especially anyone under 25. I think it fits in nicely with Jimmy's character though.
The plan with these C.S.R.'s is to do a bunch of them, keep them ultra low budget and model them after the 15 minute live action shows on Adult Swim. Next up is a comedy/horror about a Craigslist roommate search gone horribly wrong.
Thanks again,
Nate