Cinama...thanks man. I appreciate. I've been writing like a maniac for the 7 months and trying to learn as best I can. I've had quite a bit of luck or magic too on my side. But I know I have a long ways to go. I din't really mean for the  story to sound pessimistic until the end. It's just a story of the irony that befalls us do-gooders sometimes. Well, not to the extent in the story. Thank you for reading...I'll clean it up maybe next week

Sillco...Thanks dude...you're killer nice. I've taken no classes. I've been googling a lot and I probably drive Kev crazy...as he's been pretty kind to take on my early blunders I am signed up though to take a class with Sharon Cobb in August...but mainly to make a connection in hopes to get some companies to read a dramedy I'm shopping around and maybe it will help me too..who knows.

Bo...thanks ...I'm going to revise it a bit in the coming week. I didn't really strive in this piece to give the protag a real goal...it was just a quick piece to show the dangers of being too nice....just a lil piece on how doing the 'right' thing can backfire on ya. Personal experience I'm afraid to say As just today I gave a man at the light my only cash in my car Anyway, thank you and I'd be happy to return the read if you have any work posted--hit me up.

Superfantastical daisy-delicious sparkling sunny weekend to all

d

Hey Dena,

A new PY script.

First off, this appears quite a change in your writing style, a bit more swagger about it. I have to say my style has, well, less style. I think I need to up my standards when it comes to descriptions/mood etc

Story

This is fine, but it didn't jump out at me. Nice to have a dark finish but there do appear a few holes like the girlfriend (what happens to her etc, she could be used to illustrate the shallowness of it all by blowing him out), Carsons past and life are unexplained so we don't know what quite what he is left with, or what he was other than kind. Indeed the money exchange left me confused at what type of person he is as it appeared reluctant at first.

Little things like he basts down the road, music full on etc why? Is this relevant to the story because if anything it slightly conflicts with his character and desont seem to tie in elsewhere.

Writing

As said, this has some confidence and swagger. I must learn a bit myself, but, it didn't "always" work for me. I think there is a fine line when to do "funky" descriptions and when not to, or do less. Examples(some of these maybe UK:USA translation issues);

The money exchange wasn't very clear and dropping into phrases like sawback, rather than just money, threw me.

traffic - for the working class. Again, I wasn't sure this added to the image and indeed I had to check I hadn't missed something else.

The pot bellied guy - others may felt the extra description helped, but for me I got the image with the roll of the eyes. What followed appeared to be an opinion of the writer.

Traffic lights - making sense. Lost me.

A road less congested. Too clever for me. I was thinking what this meant, maybe it was later in the day etc, when really you are saying the area is sh*t and run down so there are less cars.

One month later - very small niggle but I would have gone for six months, as this appears very quick after a shooting. Maybe I'm wrong on that, anyway it is not much of an issue.

Karma - at the end. How do I know that? How do I know his karma is gone/poor. Yes he's in a wheel chair, a beggar has asked him to leave, but I haven't seen him beg, I don't know his family and friends etc I see little emotional reaction from him. Just saying.

In short, sound work, a step up in standard but a few things IMO that could be tweaked.

Well done.

I occasionally derive sadistic pleasure from the derision of an author's opening passage, right out of the gate.  You, Dena, are the beneficiary of such an opportunity.

Your first slugline will be maddeningly specific to any potential director.  It is not wrong, exactly, but specifying a '75 Camero says far more about the author than anything it might say about Carson.

Be cautious with these sorts of flourishes -- or sparing, at the very least -- and do not expect to see a '75 Camero in any form of finished product that might emerge.

Having said that, however, you do have a "voice" in these pages that has evolved from your previous works.  Describing an intersection as extinct, or coworkers as a combination of friends and enemies.  The writing has more style, is less generic, and it helps to give this piece a tone.

I am not sure the scene with the stalled out car added anything to this story.  It would be nice if you could make that segment more relevant to the story somehow.  I was also unclear as to who shot Carson.  That scene could use a little more clarity.

You still have a few "we see" violations that I would excise. "We see a scooter approaching" should be, "A scooter approaches".  Little things like that.

But the story does come full circle, and it feels complete.  It is clear to see you have really been working at this, and continue to improve.  Nice one.

Hey Dena,

Always a pleasure to read contributing members work and wow… you’re style has come on heaps in a just a short time.

It seems you’re finding your writing style, it’s direct and to the point. I like it and it’s something I aspire to get to if I’m honest.

I do think some descriptions were a bit awkward if I’m honest, especially the first couple of pages when I had to reread certain aspects but on the whole this was an impressive read… good job.

Some notes to follow:

P.1 “(mid twenties)” Why not a specific  age? Or maybe (20s)?

“Matt Damon’s double” I personally don’t like this kind description, why not just say its Matt Damon. I just like to use famous people to describe characters… just a personal thing.

“Scans the congestion” An earlier EXT scene of the traffic would have helped IMO to understand the traffic… just a thought.

“Sifts through folded greenbacks.” It has a slang sound to me and sometimes it isn’t working for me personally.

“Separates the bills” Maybe just me and this goes against my usual but why no “he”?

It would make this sentence read better IMO.

“along side” Believe should be one word.

“the double sawback.” I’m guessing he grabs the twenty, these descriptions read so confusing to me at the moment… it could just be me of course.

“A horn BLOWS.” It had it’s one sentence before, why not now? I’m curious.

“The 75’ chevy is swallowed up in the herd. The working class.” This reads like an EXT scene to me but we’re still in the car?

P.2 “Then she walks in.” Italic’s… not a  but again personal and I understand why you’re doing it here.

“(twenty-ish)” Why not (20s)?

“human traffic jam.” Some of these ation descriptions have worked, some haven’t for me. This one did… excellent description.

“because she’s found him.” Superfluous IMO.

Is the potbellied guy needed here? In saying that I also liked this action… some really good lines here.

“A Spanish LADY” How do we know she’s Spanish?

“The line slides” Bit awkward for me.

“Carson looks like he forgot.” Think visually here, what do people do when they forget something?

“His hand reaches in, pulls out an empty pocket.” Why bother? He knows there no money there right?

P.3 “colorful English peas.” They’re still green right?  Guess the other peas were “green peas” Is there a difference… heck if I know?

“You have to have a Starbuck’s cup.” Think this would read better as “You haven’t got a Starbucks’s cup” cuts the two continuous use of have’s. Just a thought.

P.4 “An old CLUNKER stalled in the intersection. “in” the intersection? Wonder if this should be “on” or “at” the intersection. I’m not sure but something didn’t read right here to me.

“She shakes her head in agreeance.” Think this should be “nods” instead of “shakes”

P.5 “A stray DOG”

“Two guys huddle close.”

I question why the dog got capped but the guys didn’t? Maybe come into play later?

“Probably a drug deal” Okay, this sounds like an assumption to me. Is it important or is setting the scene? Does it matter if it is or not a drug deal?

“Those traffic lights that make no sense.” Now you’re talking! I deal with one of these every day on the way to work.

“that makes a quick stop.” No need to mention it stopping, we know this from the lights.

What’s with the plastic bag? Is this a metaphor?  I was never good at these things but it reminds me of American Beauty which is a good thing I guess… I liked that movie.

“It nears the far corner.” Of where? The university?

“Those things you see on late night infomercials – mobility scooters they call them.” This sounds like you’re speaking direct to the reader and doesn’t read right IMO, it’s not a visual image of the scene.

“as it stalls in the crosswalk.”

This Carson is one lucky dude, he seems to catch all things that stall whether it’s a car or mobility scooter.

“The old cripple carries on around the chair.” Yeah, he’s almost carrying on like someone who doesn’t need one of these chairs… what’s his game?

“A car door SLAMS.” I’m unsure of the scene now? Carson was (O.S) but now the car door slams on screen? There’s some inconsistencies in this scene for me.

“the crippled climbs back” Should this be cripple?

“We” Uh-oh! The dreaded we! Nah I think it works here but I still think you could have avoided it to be honest.

P.6 Did the cripple shoot Carson? Okay, didn’t see that coming.

“No windows “ Honestly no windows in a hospital? This hospital must be horrible to stay in.

“we see” Third time I’ve seen it and I haven’t been a fan at all… I can understand using this if necessary but I didn’t think it was here.

Well, it’s not a bad tale, a Good Samaritan story gone wrong if you like. I like how you tied the beggar in on the ending which means it came full circle if you like.

I question the cafeteria scene, I personally don’t think it adds anything to the story. If you took it away it wouldn’t harm the read.

It’s just I see your looking to get this produced and I can’t wish you more luck with that but If you could cut this down, get rid of wasteful scenes that add nothing to the overall story then it’s likely to be more production friendly.

I again want to give you praise for the writing which was good and very precise. Some of the descriptions was a bit of a hit and miss for me but overall this is a solid piece of writing and you should be proud.

We joined SS around the same time and your writing has far exceeded my own ability… your someone to watch out for and I wish you all the best with this script.

Good work.

Steve

Dena...Dena... Dena

Beautifully wrote... this is the first I've read of yours since "The Doll"... even though I've been asking you forever and ever

I could see low production costs and easily filmed... Plus you those take those scooters anywhere according to the infomercials even on the Grand Canyon

"The Doll" was also well wrote, but with this you stepped up your game.

Well done

Mark

Hey Dena,

Figured I'd check this out.

I liked it.  Definitely a story in there, well told.  

The dialogue for the most part was good but be careful because some of it came close to on the nose.

CARSON (CONT’D)
Battery dead? Here, I’ll help you
push it across the street?

Also you don't need the (CONT'D).

I would also be careful with some of the actions.  It's ok to be poetic in them, heaven knows I'm like that with them, but it is also important to remember they have to be interpreted pretty accurately visually.   Things like

A smile finds her face, because she’s found him.

Looks great on paper and yes it can be interpreted mostly visually but it's pretty much a clever play on words that will never really be translated to the screen.  It's wasted in a screenplay.  

Much better to make the visuals poetic and leave the words descriptive.  I'm not saying don't embellish for tone but be careful when playing on words in action.  In dialogue - go for it.

As a note, I do the same - it's tough not to - but I'm actually trying to rid my actions of fluff like that.

As I said earlier, I thought you told the story well, so I don't have many comments about that.  However, the ending is very depressing when it doesn't really need to be.

Ok, it pretty much has to be depressing to work but there isn't a reason you can't give us hope that something better can happen.  Why not have Amanda standing in the distance, waiting for him as he rides toward her in his motorized scooter.  In that case, at least he still has something.

Lastly, I would definitely get rid of the line...

Karma no where around.

Because we both can and can't see that anyway.

Hope that helps.

Michael

In case Michael checks back, I want to comment on his notes.

First, his notes were generally very sound and helpful, with several good suggestions. So I don't want this to be misinterpreted as criticism.

I was just curious about one of the phrases he picked out to question: A smile finds her face, because she’s found him

I think that expression works well, and is easy to picture in film. She walks into a crowded room, searches, smiles when she finds him. It could have been said just as I did right now. But as written it works equally well, and is pretty economical on words.

Otherwise, his suggestions are good. I'm just not sure where the problem is with that particular one.

Very simple.  My problem is that it is a play on words.   The play on words can't be translated to the screen.

Bill ...Steve....Mark...Bert ....Michael....thank you all for reading it. I know it needs work...I've gotten some really good suggestions here and will clean it up.

Michael...I have a tendency to write too poetic sometimes. Need these reviews to bring me down out of the clouds so thank you.

I like the suggestions and it will help me clean this up and really learn to write better...I'm still learning. And have a long long way to travel.

Mark! OMG The Doll...I forgot I showed that to anyone...first feature I ever wrote and I wrote that in two weeks but thank you for your read and getting through it.

Appreciate all the suggestions guys. I wrote a horror short for some film guys here and when they are done shooting that...they promised to help me with this..so some of the scenes will be changed...and I'll take into account story changes too that were brought forth here.

yeah, was going to feedback but i see that others have already read you the riot act. but i can say that your writing is basic and non-standard . is english your first lingo or are you learning it? grammatical mistakes really show a lack of basic language mastery. maybe this was your first draft? anyway, '76 chevy should be capped -- Cevrolet is a brand, a company, a proper noun. i can't go on or it'll be mean. all the best

Hey Dena- I really enjoyed the story. Everything happens for a reason and it's sad to see a guy who helps throughout lose everything and get nothing in return. Best of luck with future scripts.

Thanks a ton! Ironic little story...based on a true life event(not the ending thank goodness)....but one that provoked thought.

It's being filmed.....

The story is great.  What I like about the whole layout is that it's a perfect match within the story logline. It is everthing it is said to be.

On page 1. :EIGHT FORTY FIVE should look like this: "EIGHT  FORTY  FIVE."

and KNUCKLES RAP should look like this: knuckles rap.

Page 2. When you describe Amanda's age in twenty-ish, I assume that she is just turning twenty years old. It should look lise this:  AMANDA,  (20),

Also on page 2. HUM of voices should look like this: Hum of voices.

Page 5. CLUNKER should look like this: Clunker

Page 8. We see the patient. Should look like this: The patient. A combination.

I noticed that you provided 3 Fade In inserts in your story. Each one of them described clearly and excellent with your logline.

An excellent but sad twilight story Pale.

Darryl    

Thank you tons Darryl....

This one is being produced in London. I did a rewrite on it...made it much better...but I love this story. I love the irony.

My writing is:  compulsive, undisciplined, impulsive, punch-drunk....so what I'm saying...is I write too FAST and sometimes I post well....a lot of times I post it right after I'm finished with no proof reading whoops

But I will clean up and thank you tons and I'm sooo happy you liked it!

Dena

Notes on Good Will

page - 2

Then she walks in.

In your script you italicise 'she'. IMO, you should instead put it in CAPS. Sorry if this feels nitpicky it's just that I've read one should never italicise anything in a script.


Page -5

It nears the far corner. Lands near a motorized wheelchair.
Those things you see on late night infomercials -- mobility
scooters they call them.

This really took me out of the story for a while. I think if you mean mobility scooter then just say mobility scooter. You have a good voice, I think this is just taking it a tad too far this time.



Interesting story. Basically a 'good deeds get you nowhere' kinda thing. Or as you stated at the end, karma nowhere to be found. Not sure you need to add that actually as it is pretty obvious what the moral of the story is.

Well written, good voice, great dialogue early on, although we don't get to know what happened to Amanda. She just disappears... and seems to play a large part in doing not really much of anything. You've already showed us what Carson is like as he gave a twenty to a beggar. You could show him doing other good deeds too. The whole conversation with Amanda is unnecessary. Unless you can somehow find some sort of arc for her too. Maybe take the story from both angles, giving opposite results for each character. So Carson learns to not be so giving, Amanda (made more selfish) learns that perhaps she should be more so. However, that kills the moral of the story and produces a quandary for the viewer... which changes the story a bit.

To sum it up I enjoyed reading it, I just feel that the story is lacking something with the added Amanda character who's only purpose is to forward the notion that Carson is very giving. Something that could easily be done with imagery instead. I'd either kill the Amanda character or enhance her part more.