Good Will by Dena McKinnon (pale yellow) - Short, Drama - A good samaritan's good deeds go bad. 8 pages - pdf, format

Wow.  This was thoroughly sad.  But excellent story-telling, IMO.   Sorry I don't have much else to say.   I enjoyed it.

Dena

There's not much I can say about this either except... This. Was. Amazing! Great writing here with a heartbreaking ending. It's sad when you realize that for someone out there, this is probably a reality.

I can't say much else.

Daniel

Hi Dena,

Just read your script.

It's wonderfully paced. I think you have a writing style and I'll recognize your story in the future even if your name is not on the script.

SPOILERS
I didn't see that ending coming, which is a very good thing. I think you build up to surprise ending with the talks about "good karma". The idea is simple, very simple, yet satisfying - I think much of it has to do with the way you paced it and with all the wonderful images and descriptions you included in your story. It's hard to do - to take something this simple and infuse it with images.

Very sad though. I love happy endings, a bit of me was let down. But I don't suggest you change it though.

You guys are killer NICE.

Thank you for the reads. I wrote this as something easy to film...so tried to keep ti short and sweet...well, sad in the end ...but based on a partly true story. I am always helping people(even when maybe I shouldn't) and we did see this guy broke down in a wheelchair and I pulled over...and sent my husband to go check on him. While Jon was running over to help him(by my request) I thought what if..I put him accidentally in harms way! Shit! Anyway, nothing bad happened but the guy was very scared of us trying to help him...so just a word to those like me..be careful WHO you help. It could always backfire on you

Thank you again for the reads. Hope to have this filmed in the next two months.

This was a good read with a sad ending. I like the descriptions and action.

The only minor thing for me is the part where he gets shot. I understand you want to show Carson as a do-gooder, but it still feels too naive for him to just get out of the car (a nice vintage one too) in a shady place of town, especially when there's a drug deal going on nearby.

I think this scene would still work if it was just a normal street and the guy in the wheel chair turned out to be some bad guy, conning him. Just like he was "conned" by the homeless guy with a Starbucks cup.

Overall, I like your crisp, clean writing style. Good luck!

Dena, this was nicely written.  

There were some beautiful descriptions but also some that I didn't agree with.  I prefer a locations description rather than a statement like 'a place you don't want to be at night'.  This is my preference so I'm not saying it's wrong.

SPOILERS!!!!

I wonder why Carson was driving through a rough area as he is clearly a nice, well off fella?

I also wondered if the Guy in the wheel chair shot Carson or the drug dealers.  Was the Guy in the chair a previous victim?

You say you wrote this as something easy to film, I'm not sure how easy it would be?  Shooting in a Hospital location? Not easy in England, I don't know about the US?

Anyway, really good good, clean writing and an interesting story.  Really enjoyed it.

Thanks cooky and allfy...

Really thanks for bringing up questions. I tend to write uh...no better way to say it than...too damn fast and I'm trying to slow down. Appreciate the problems brought up...and will fix them.

I've tried to learn the writing 'rules'in the short 7 months I've been at this thing. But I've  always been one that colored a lil' out of the box I will try harder next time

Hey Dena,

Always good to see new stuff from SS regulars.
And even better when those scripts gets lots of feedback!

Had to re-read the opening exchange.
Was a bit unsure how the money changed hands at first.
A tad less staccato here would likely help that out.

The third act of goodwill in the bad neighborhood played corny for me.
If it was a normal area, I would've balked less at Carson's kindness.

I like bringing it back to the Starbucks guy. Good stuff.

Regards,
E.D.

Brett...

Yeah when I read it back for the first time today....the money thing was very hard to get thru. I was like...What the f...seemed like he put the money in ...then put it in again...instead of putting ones in and then later coughing up the twenty!!! Today was the first time I looked back at this. Sorry. I need to proof my own work. This was a 2.5 hour script that just came out really fast on the keyboard. I liked the Starbucks guy.

Thanks for the feedback.

d

Hey, Dena

Your writing is really coming along way. You're getting close!

There are still things that slow the read for me a couple times, cause me to have to keep doubling back. Many of these issues probably are more due to my weakness as a reader. Let's look at an example.

Page 5, the scene where he gets shot. It's a new slug with a new time, so I know it's a brand new scene. You go half a page without describing Carson as there in the scene. Then when you do place him there we get no sense of what he's doing. It just says "Carson focuses in on the chair..." Because it was introduced this way, I went back and reread, thinking maybe it was connected to the previous scene. But it's not. I think it would help if you describe Carson standing at a crosswalk, or walking. Something.

Overall, there is some really fine description, the dialogue is really coming along well, sounding more and more realistic in your work. And I think the story works very well too. The reverse Karma at the end is different than how these things normally play out, and I like that. Usually, Carson would have been the type to give the beggar nothing, then pay a price at the end. You changed it up, and that's cool. Excellent work!

PS  I just read Brett's comment. I had some trouble getting through the money exchange too. I'm not sure if the staccato was the issue, maybe. But it wasn't totally clear while it was going on, though it was clear by the end. Keep working on those issues, we all have to. Whether it's a matter of polishing, or experience, very little things like that are what make our amateur scripts different from most pro. When I read a pro script, it takes a couple of minutes to read 10 pages. The script flies. And that makes a huge difference in my receptiveness to the story.

Thanks Kev...You know my strengths and my weaknesses and I owe nearly everything I've learned along the way to you ...so a special thanks. I have a LONG way to go still!

I'll revise this and try to fix the things that've been mentioned.

Thank you to all again.

Hey Dena,

I've been reading your scripts since the first few you posted and I have to tell you, your writing has improved soooo much. It's not even like you were bad to start, but there were a few issues with overwriting that I can remember.

While there are still some areas that can be cut down, you do a remarkable job of setting scenes and your descriptions are great!

I did have to re-read the last page to understand what was going on, but it wasn't bad by any means.

My one complaint is the theme. This story seems incredibly pessimistic. If that's what you wanted to convey, you did a great job, but I can't see too many people feeling good after reading/watching it.

Keep writing! You are an amazing student of the craft. Few can soak up knowledge of screenwriting like you seem to have done!

Well - this is a shift-change isn't? Anybody might think you'd been reading up on stuff - maybe practising 'n' all. Your English useage has changed - have you been taking writing classes? I dunno. You've been up to something, girl and it's made your writing go upstairs pretty quick.

Apart from it being good -- here's the bits that stood out for me:

A set of KNUCKLES RAP on the window. He jumps, startled.

Carson spins around ...

-- I'd have gone for the line change on 'He jumps' so Carson's actions are kept together.

## The light up ahead turns green.
-- The lights turn green - is just as sweet.

## Most would just speed off,
-- maybe, maybe not - it's novelistic, isn't it?

## retrieves the double sawback.
-- this is why I begun to think you'd been taking writing classess, great use of the written word here, changing the use of words, cranking the imagination.

## A crinkled smile births across the dirty face.
-- Tropes occasionally raise their heads on this site, but often scurry quickly away. Imaginative, yes, but I wasn't sure it totally worked - for me that is.

Buzzing with white collar workers. Tables full of friends,
enemies -- coworkers.

It’s an active place. The HUM of voices.
-- Still part of the description, so these lines could have gone together.

## About halfway down
-- Pet peeve - 'about' is a wimps word - take it out and the sentence works better, least not worse, so it's still trimmed. And trimming is always good ...

Starched shirts form a line. About halfway down, Carson
stands patiently in queue. Then she walks in.
-- 'Then she ... ' really deserves a separate line - for impact's sake.

princess pretty,
-- I liked - have you been reading about plosives? Good use here.

A smile finds her face, because she’s found him.
-- This felt a bit clumpy - maybe word order, maybe take 'because' out - just didn't fit.

A potbellied GUY rolls his eyes as if one person sliding in
front of him is going to make him miss a meal.
-- almost like making a meal of a sentence ...

    AMANDA (CONT’D)
I got it. Don’t worry. I’ll put it
on your tab.
-- I think from just "I'll put ..." is as good.

With a fork, he stabs the colorful English peas. Pauses and
looks into Amanda’s eyes.
-- A full stop followed by a pauses ... I think commas would have worked wonders here.

They eat. Their voices drown out amongst steady chatter.
-- I got a wide from this - very nicely done.

She shakes her head in agreeance.
-- some have argued that agreeance is not a word, but let them to it. I think she'd nod her head?

Remnants of former business.
-- businesses?

The ‘75 rolls down the street. Behind it, the afternoon sun
begins its descent.
-- Set a lovely scene.

It nears the far corner.
-- wasn't too sure -- the far corner of what?

     CARSON (O.S.)
Hey! You need some help!
-- is very different from 'help?' ...

An OLD CRIPPLE,
-- mmmmm. Is this an okay word?

the crippled climbs back on
-- now you're abusing it ...

A ventilator tube and tape covers his face.
-- cover?

Title: One Month Later
-- Super:?

no where
-- nowhere.

Great stuff! Yes, one day, you'll write a happy script full of happy people doing happy things, but until then -- well, like I say - this is a shift-change. You've improved pretty much every angle here in your writing. Well done - I think you deserve this.

Hey Dena,

I've just read the script. It's very nice!

But IMO there are some things that could strenthen the story.

Firstable, about conflict. What if the protagonist's girl (or wife) goes whith him and swears for waisting money and time? What if she threatens to leave him if he doesn't stop? I believe his good will could be more explicit in this case.

The second thing is that the protagonist has no aim. He has no visible reasons to hurry up, so he can easily come out the car and help somebody.
What if he needs to be in time somewhere, but his goodness takes too much time? For example, he is a theatre-lover and struggles to see the last perfomance at the famous touring theatre. He has tried for 3 days already, but every time was late because of helping other people.

I think the script could be more interesting if the protagonist overcomes difficulties.

It's just an opinion.

Whatever it's a good story. Good luck!

Julia.

P.S. Sorry for my English. Shurely there are mistakes for it's not my native language.

Cinama...thanks man. I appreciate. I've been writing like a maniac for the 7 months and trying to learn as best I can. I've had quite a bit of luck or magic too on my side. But I know I have a long ways to go. I din't really mean for the  story to sound pessimistic until the end. It's just a story of the irony that befalls us do-gooders sometimes. Well, not to the extent in the story. Thank you for reading...I'll clean it up maybe next week

Sillco...Thanks dude...you're killer nice. I've taken no classes. I've been googling a lot and I probably drive Kev crazy...as he's been pretty kind to take on my early blunders I am signed up though to take a class with Sharon Cobb in August...but mainly to make a connection in hopes to get some companies to read a dramedy I'm shopping around and maybe it will help me too..who knows.

Bo...thanks ...I'm going to revise it a bit in the coming week. I didn't really strive in this piece to give the protag a real goal...it was just a quick piece to show the dangers of being too nice....just a lil piece on how doing the 'right' thing can backfire on ya. Personal experience I'm afraid to say As just today I gave a man at the light my only cash in my car Anyway, thank you and I'd be happy to return the read if you have any work posted--hit me up.

Superfantastical daisy-delicious sparkling sunny weekend to all

d

Hey Dena,

A new PY script.

First off, this appears quite a change in your writing style, a bit more swagger about it. I have to say my style has, well, less style. I think I need to up my standards when it comes to descriptions/mood etc

Story

This is fine, but it didn't jump out at me. Nice to have a dark finish but there do appear a few holes like the girlfriend (what happens to her etc, she could be used to illustrate the shallowness of it all by blowing him out), Carsons past and life are unexplained so we don't know what quite what he is left with, or what he was other than kind. Indeed the money exchange left me confused at what type of person he is as it appeared reluctant at first.

Little things like he basts down the road, music full on etc why? Is this relevant to the story because if anything it slightly conflicts with his character and desont seem to tie in elsewhere.

Writing

As said, this has some confidence and swagger. I must learn a bit myself, but, it didn't "always" work for me. I think there is a fine line when to do "funky" descriptions and when not to, or do less. Examples(some of these maybe UK:USA translation issues);

The money exchange wasn't very clear and dropping into phrases like sawback, rather than just money, threw me.

traffic - for the working class. Again, I wasn't sure this added to the image and indeed I had to check I hadn't missed something else.

The pot bellied guy - others may felt the extra description helped, but for me I got the image with the roll of the eyes. What followed appeared to be an opinion of the writer.

Traffic lights - making sense. Lost me.

A road less congested. Too clever for me. I was thinking what this meant, maybe it was later in the day etc, when really you are saying the area is sh*t and run down so there are less cars.

One month later - very small niggle but I would have gone for six months, as this appears very quick after a shooting. Maybe I'm wrong on that, anyway it is not much of an issue.

Karma - at the end. How do I know that? How do I know his karma is gone/poor. Yes he's in a wheel chair, a beggar has asked him to leave, but I haven't seen him beg, I don't know his family and friends etc I see little emotional reaction from him. Just saying.

In short, sound work, a step up in standard but a few things IMO that could be tweaked.

Well done.

I occasionally derive sadistic pleasure from the derision of an author's opening passage, right out of the gate.  You, Dena, are the beneficiary of such an opportunity.

Your first slugline will be maddeningly specific to any potential director.  It is not wrong, exactly, but specifying a '75 Camero says far more about the author than anything it might say about Carson.

Be cautious with these sorts of flourishes -- or sparing, at the very least -- and do not expect to see a '75 Camero in any form of finished product that might emerge.

Having said that, however, you do have a "voice" in these pages that has evolved from your previous works.  Describing an intersection as extinct, or coworkers as a combination of friends and enemies.  The writing has more style, is less generic, and it helps to give this piece a tone.

I am not sure the scene with the stalled out car added anything to this story.  It would be nice if you could make that segment more relevant to the story somehow.  I was also unclear as to who shot Carson.  That scene could use a little more clarity.

You still have a few "we see" violations that I would excise. "We see a scooter approaching" should be, "A scooter approaches".  Little things like that.

But the story does come full circle, and it feels complete.  It is clear to see you have really been working at this, and continue to improve.  Nice one.

Hey Dena,

Always a pleasure to read contributing members work and wow… you’re style has come on heaps in a just a short time.

It seems you’re finding your writing style, it’s direct and to the point. I like it and it’s something I aspire to get to if I’m honest.

I do think some descriptions were a bit awkward if I’m honest, especially the first couple of pages when I had to reread certain aspects but on the whole this was an impressive read… good job.

Some notes to follow:

P.1 “(mid twenties)” Why not a specific  age? Or maybe (20s)?

“Matt Damon’s double” I personally don’t like this kind description, why not just say its Matt Damon. I just like to use famous people to describe characters… just a personal thing.

“Scans the congestion” An earlier EXT scene of the traffic would have helped IMO to understand the traffic… just a thought.

“Sifts through folded greenbacks.” It has a slang sound to me and sometimes it isn’t working for me personally.

“Separates the bills” Maybe just me and this goes against my usual but why no “he”?

It would make this sentence read better IMO.

“along side” Believe should be one word.

“the double sawback.” I’m guessing he grabs the twenty, these descriptions read so confusing to me at the moment… it could just be me of course.

“A horn BLOWS.” It had it’s one sentence before, why not now? I’m curious.

“The 75’ chevy is swallowed up in the herd. The working class.” This reads like an EXT scene to me but we’re still in the car?

P.2 “Then she walks in.” Italic’s… not a  but again personal and I understand why you’re doing it here.

“(twenty-ish)” Why not (20s)?

“human traffic jam.” Some of these ation descriptions have worked, some haven’t for me. This one did… excellent description.

“because she’s found him.” Superfluous IMO.

Is the potbellied guy needed here? In saying that I also liked this action… some really good lines here.

“A Spanish LADY” How do we know she’s Spanish?

“The line slides” Bit awkward for me.

“Carson looks like he forgot.” Think visually here, what do people do when they forget something?

“His hand reaches in, pulls out an empty pocket.” Why bother? He knows there no money there right?

P.3 “colorful English peas.” They’re still green right?  Guess the other peas were “green peas” Is there a difference… heck if I know?

“You have to have a Starbuck’s cup.” Think this would read better as “You haven’t got a Starbucks’s cup” cuts the two continuous use of have’s. Just a thought.

P.4 “An old CLUNKER stalled in the intersection. “in” the intersection? Wonder if this should be “on” or “at” the intersection. I’m not sure but something didn’t read right here to me.

“She shakes her head in agreeance.” Think this should be “nods” instead of “shakes”

P.5 “A stray DOG”

“Two guys huddle close.”

I question why the dog got capped but the guys didn’t? Maybe come into play later?

“Probably a drug deal” Okay, this sounds like an assumption to me. Is it important or is setting the scene? Does it matter if it is or not a drug deal?

“Those traffic lights that make no sense.” Now you’re talking! I deal with one of these every day on the way to work.

“that makes a quick stop.” No need to mention it stopping, we know this from the lights.

What’s with the plastic bag? Is this a metaphor?  I was never good at these things but it reminds me of American Beauty which is a good thing I guess… I liked that movie.

“It nears the far corner.” Of where? The university?

“Those things you see on late night infomercials – mobility scooters they call them.” This sounds like you’re speaking direct to the reader and doesn’t read right IMO, it’s not a visual image of the scene.

“as it stalls in the crosswalk.”

This Carson is one lucky dude, he seems to catch all things that stall whether it’s a car or mobility scooter.

“The old cripple carries on around the chair.” Yeah, he’s almost carrying on like someone who doesn’t need one of these chairs… what’s his game?

“A car door SLAMS.” I’m unsure of the scene now? Carson was (O.S) but now the car door slams on screen? There’s some inconsistencies in this scene for me.

“the crippled climbs back” Should this be cripple?

“We” Uh-oh! The dreaded we! Nah I think it works here but I still think you could have avoided it to be honest.

P.6 Did the cripple shoot Carson? Okay, didn’t see that coming.

“No windows “ Honestly no windows in a hospital? This hospital must be horrible to stay in.

“we see” Third time I’ve seen it and I haven’t been a fan at all… I can understand using this if necessary but I didn’t think it was here.

Well, it’s not a bad tale, a Good Samaritan story gone wrong if you like. I like how you tied the beggar in on the ending which means it came full circle if you like.

I question the cafeteria scene, I personally don’t think it adds anything to the story. If you took it away it wouldn’t harm the read.

It’s just I see your looking to get this produced and I can’t wish you more luck with that but If you could cut this down, get rid of wasteful scenes that add nothing to the overall story then it’s likely to be more production friendly.

I again want to give you praise for the writing which was good and very precise. Some of the descriptions was a bit of a hit and miss for me but overall this is a solid piece of writing and you should be proud.

We joined SS around the same time and your writing has far exceeded my own ability… your someone to watch out for and I wish you all the best with this script.

Good work.

Steve

Dena...Dena... Dena

Beautifully wrote... this is the first I've read of yours since "The Doll"... even though I've been asking you forever and ever

I could see low production costs and easily filmed... Plus you those take those scooters anywhere according to the infomercials even on the Grand Canyon

"The Doll" was also well wrote, but with this you stepped up your game.

Well done

Mark

Hey Dena,

Figured I'd check this out.

I liked it.  Definitely a story in there, well told.  

The dialogue for the most part was good but be careful because some of it came close to on the nose.

CARSON (CONT’D)
Battery dead? Here, I’ll help you
push it across the street?

Also you don't need the (CONT'D).

I would also be careful with some of the actions.  It's ok to be poetic in them, heaven knows I'm like that with them, but it is also important to remember they have to be interpreted pretty accurately visually.   Things like

A smile finds her face, because she’s found him.

Looks great on paper and yes it can be interpreted mostly visually but it's pretty much a clever play on words that will never really be translated to the screen.  It's wasted in a screenplay.  

Much better to make the visuals poetic and leave the words descriptive.  I'm not saying don't embellish for tone but be careful when playing on words in action.  In dialogue - go for it.

As a note, I do the same - it's tough not to - but I'm actually trying to rid my actions of fluff like that.

As I said earlier, I thought you told the story well, so I don't have many comments about that.  However, the ending is very depressing when it doesn't really need to be.

Ok, it pretty much has to be depressing to work but there isn't a reason you can't give us hope that something better can happen.  Why not have Amanda standing in the distance, waiting for him as he rides toward her in his motorized scooter.  In that case, at least he still has something.

Lastly, I would definitely get rid of the line...

Karma no where around.

Because we both can and can't see that anyway.

Hope that helps.

Michael

In case Michael checks back, I want to comment on his notes.

First, his notes were generally very sound and helpful, with several good suggestions. So I don't want this to be misinterpreted as criticism.

I was just curious about one of the phrases he picked out to question: A smile finds her face, because she’s found him

I think that expression works well, and is easy to picture in film. She walks into a crowded room, searches, smiles when she finds him. It could have been said just as I did right now. But as written it works equally well, and is pretty economical on words.

Otherwise, his suggestions are good. I'm just not sure where the problem is with that particular one.

Very simple.  My problem is that it is a play on words.   The play on words can't be translated to the screen.

Bill ...Steve....Mark...Bert ....Michael....thank you all for reading it. I know it needs work...I've gotten some really good suggestions here and will clean it up.

Michael...I have a tendency to write too poetic sometimes. Need these reviews to bring me down out of the clouds so thank you.

I like the suggestions and it will help me clean this up and really learn to write better...I'm still learning. And have a long long way to travel.

Mark! OMG The Doll...I forgot I showed that to anyone...first feature I ever wrote and I wrote that in two weeks but thank you for your read and getting through it.

Appreciate all the suggestions guys. I wrote a horror short for some film guys here and when they are done shooting that...they promised to help me with this..so some of the scenes will be changed...and I'll take into account story changes too that were brought forth here.

yeah, was going to feedback but i see that others have already read you the riot act. but i can say that your writing is basic and non-standard . is english your first lingo or are you learning it? grammatical mistakes really show a lack of basic language mastery. maybe this was your first draft? anyway, '76 chevy should be capped -- Cevrolet is a brand, a company, a proper noun. i can't go on or it'll be mean. all the best

Hey Dena- I really enjoyed the story. Everything happens for a reason and it's sad to see a guy who helps throughout lose everything and get nothing in return. Best of luck with future scripts.

Thanks a ton! Ironic little story...based on a true life event(not the ending thank goodness)....but one that provoked thought.

It's being filmed.....

The story is great.  What I like about the whole layout is that it's a perfect match within the story logline. It is everthing it is said to be.

On page 1. :EIGHT FORTY FIVE should look like this: "EIGHT  FORTY  FIVE."

and KNUCKLES RAP should look like this: knuckles rap.

Page 2. When you describe Amanda's age in twenty-ish, I assume that she is just turning twenty years old. It should look lise this:  AMANDA,  (20),

Also on page 2. HUM of voices should look like this: Hum of voices.

Page 5. CLUNKER should look like this: Clunker

Page 8. We see the patient. Should look like this: The patient. A combination.

I noticed that you provided 3 Fade In inserts in your story. Each one of them described clearly and excellent with your logline.

An excellent but sad twilight story Pale.

Darryl    

Thank you tons Darryl....

This one is being produced in London. I did a rewrite on it...made it much better...but I love this story. I love the irony.

My writing is:  compulsive, undisciplined, impulsive, punch-drunk....so what I'm saying...is I write too FAST and sometimes I post well....a lot of times I post it right after I'm finished with no proof reading whoops

But I will clean up and thank you tons and I'm sooo happy you liked it!

Dena

Notes on Good Will

page - 2

Then she walks in.

In your script you italicise 'she'. IMO, you should instead put it in CAPS. Sorry if this feels nitpicky it's just that I've read one should never italicise anything in a script.


Page -5

It nears the far corner. Lands near a motorized wheelchair.
Those things you see on late night infomercials -- mobility
scooters they call them.

This really took me out of the story for a while. I think if you mean mobility scooter then just say mobility scooter. You have a good voice, I think this is just taking it a tad too far this time.



Interesting story. Basically a 'good deeds get you nowhere' kinda thing. Or as you stated at the end, karma nowhere to be found. Not sure you need to add that actually as it is pretty obvious what the moral of the story is.

Well written, good voice, great dialogue early on, although we don't get to know what happened to Amanda. She just disappears... and seems to play a large part in doing not really much of anything. You've already showed us what Carson is like as he gave a twenty to a beggar. You could show him doing other good deeds too. The whole conversation with Amanda is unnecessary. Unless you can somehow find some sort of arc for her too. Maybe take the story from both angles, giving opposite results for each character. So Carson learns to not be so giving, Amanda (made more selfish) learns that perhaps she should be more so. However, that kills the moral of the story and produces a quandary for the viewer... which changes the story a bit.

To sum it up I enjoyed reading it, I just feel that the story is lacking something with the added Amanda character who's only purpose is to forward the notion that Carson is very giving. Something that could easily be done with imagery instead. I'd either kill the Amanda character or enhance her part more.

Thank you for reading it Dustin. This short was rewritten of course and is in post production.

I enjoyed writing this piece...

Well, all that is left to say then is, good luck.

Dena

A sad tale, well written if a little uneven.

“A crinkled smile births across the dirty face.”

- Never seen “birth” being used as a verb before, I like it.

Great first page from a writing perspective I think. Since its practically all prose, it needs to have zip and forward momentum even if it’s only depicting a relatively undramatic event of a bum looking for change from a motorist. But I think you achieved it here with energetic phrasing and clever breaking up of the sentences. You can’t underestimate the value of knowing when and where to use the ENTER button.

“She shakes her head in agreeance.”

- Maybe it’s just me but I always associate “shaking” one’s head as disagreeing with something or saying no. Perhaps replace with “nods”

Also, “agreeance” is not a valid term, replace with “agreement.”

“ The wind carries an empty plastic BAG gracefully through the
wind. It catches Carson’s attention as it drifts, almost
dancing through the air.”

- Too close to American Beauty for my tastes. You can’t copy that unless you are spoofing it, which has already been done.
“Those things you see on late night infomercials -- mobility
scooters they call them.”

- No need for this aside. “Motorised wheelchair” is explanatory enough, we get it.

“The chair jars as it crosses the simultaneous cracks in the
infinite sidewalk.”

- What do you mean by “simultaneous cracks”?

Is there an explanation why the cripple shot Carson? He idn’t understand English?

Things really take a turn for the worst in the last couple of pages and we naturally feel for Carson as he is painted as a genuine nice guy but is it a little overwrought? Are we thematically hammered over the head here, made to empathise wholly with this guy without any concessions? Is the moral presented too clearly, too black and white?

I mean, anybody who reads this will see a twist coming of some sort whereby Carson is going to get a raw deal. This guy is nearly too good to be true; giving a bum 20 bucks, pushing a car to a garage, helping a cripple cross the road, he’s Mother Teresa in male form! I think the moral lines are all too simplistically drawn, too clear and easily defined, I wouldn’t mind have seen a bit of ambiguity, a grey area in Carson’s characterisation just to make him seem more human, more flawed. Is he being punished solely for the Starbucks cup quip to Amanda or what?

However, the image of this once able bodied man carting himself around in a wheelchair still delivers a powerful punch for the reader, poor guy.

Also, I thought that Amanda would re-enter the story at the end but she remained elusive, purely a work colleague though probably not anymore. Again, poor Carson, where is the fu?king karma!

Col.