Thanks guys for some more feedback. I appreciate the time.

Reef Dreamer: I turned 15 just over a month ago. Anyway, that's not important. I'm in full agreement with you when you say this one needs a twist. I will start working on that as soon as I can.

alffy: Thank you for taking the time to provide some feedback. A lot of people have commented on the audience being shocked at what Dumo actually says at the meeting. To be honest, I didn't really think of that when I went into writing. I just wanted to get this idea down on paper.

Thanks to the both of you for giving your feedback. I appreciate it

Daniel

Hello, Dan.

As a story this was "okay." It was too straightforward. I think a metaphor of some kind would have had far more impact--something like Aesop's fables. But what you posted does handle the sensitive issue with tact and is worthy of mention. You didn't try to sensationalize it, and the bit about the chocolate was both sad and appalling, very effective imagery.

Best regards

Thanks rmaze, appreciate the feedback.

It's great to hear the chocolate scene was effective as that was what I was going for. As for the story, my main aim was to raise awareness of Joseph Kony, which I feel I have done well-enough. But, I want this to be not just a "well-enough" film so I'd like to add to it if at all possible.

Daniel

Dan, I forgot to mention this, but there may be a historical inaccuracy in your story. Kony was born in 1960 and came to power in 1987. In the 70s, the dictator Idi Amin ruled Uganda. Your main character would've been a child during Amin's reign. You might want to make DUMO about 32 or younger instead of 49.

Quoted from rmaze Dan, I forgot to mention this, but there may be a historical inaccuracy in your story. Kony was born in 1960 and came to power in 1987. In the 70s, the dictator Idi Amin ruled Uganda. Your main character would've been a child during Amin's reign. You might want to make DUMO about 32 or younger instead of 49.

History... that thing that stuffs everything up...

Thanks rmaze. I should have properly researched stuff like that.

Daniel

Daniel

Not bad, technically your writing has improved a lot since the first script I read from you so well done on that, this reads smoothly.

Only for the subject is so topical and fresh in people's minds one would be forgiven to think that it was fictional, designed to shock and appal the reader. It proves yet again that old adage of truth being not only stranger but often more gruesome and dehumanizing than anything the most base mind could conjure up.

As a script, I think it needs a twist or surprise to make it more engaging and dramatic. Of course, the events described are inherently dramatic and surprising but as it stands it reads more like a documentary short or reconstruction, like something on the history channel.

Nothing wrong with that if this is your intention and Dumo's testimony is based word for word on a factual case (although I presume it’s commonplace for that particular part of Ugandan history) but if you are attempting a self contained story based on actual events then it needs something meatier, something unexpected to really draw in the audience and differentiate it from just a mere account of events.

Keep at it.

Col.

Col,

Thanks so much for the feedback on this one. I'm currently away on holiday, so the reply is going to be a little shorter than usual. I agree with you that it needs some sort of twist at the end. I'm currently researching actual Kony stories, so I can add more truth to the story.

Thanks, man. I'm ever so greatful.

Daniel

Daniel- Very impressive writing. Way ahead of me at that age. Sad to think kids at that age or even younger are forced into combat. Touchy subject but you did a great job with it. Best of luck.

Thanks DV44 (Sorry, don't know your name...)

Thanks for letting me know what you thought of this. I really appreciate it.

I will be taking this into a re-write, soon. I'm currently working on an idea that I can film next month. A local film festival has just been announced and I'm keen to enter.

Cheers!
Daniel

Hey Daniel- I'm Dirk by the way. Let me know when the rewrite is finished. Good luck if you enter the film festival.

Hey Dirk,

I'd be happy to read any of your work. LEt me know if you would like that. And thank you

Dan,

The writing is effective in getting me through the pages quickly and with no need to dig back to clarify. That clean style will really serve you well. Was this was a stream of consciousness script? The reason I ask is that it doesn't seem as structured as it could be and that's where it needs some work. Also, it's difficult to not read this and think of Blood Diamond with the powerful way Djimon Hounsou dealt with this disgusting practice. So with this in mind, you've got to tell this story in a way that makes it unique to separate it from a film many know and became emotionally entangled with.

To be fair, I think it's quite a challenge to condense a subject matter like this within 6 pages so it becomes a self-contained, structured story. Personally, I'd say you'll struggle to do that with the two timelines unless they face off in some way and create tension/conflict, e.g. the story he's telling conflicts with the visual of him as a child. Maybe even with such seeming honesty, there are still some details he omits as he's yet to reconcile this within himself and is therefore too ashamed to admit to the audience. It would certainly add a bit more bite to the end because we (the real audience) know more than the audience within the script.

At the moment, it's really just a retelling of his experiences - we're not being challenged or enticed to become involved personally with the character. Yeah, we can all feel empathy for those who were child soldiers, but just not with this particular chap as it stands.

Nice avatar, btw.

Hey Andrew,

Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it. Great to see readers getting through the pages, quickly. I was reading through my first script the other day and even I put it down. Would have been in the same situation if it wasn't because of contributors, here.

Stream of Consciousness script?? Sorry, I'm not entirely sure what that is.

I know this isn't exactly original, but honestly, how many scripts these days are? There's no real technique I can use to tell this particular story in a different way.

I see exactly what you're saying with struggle between two timelines. I'll see what I can do with it when I go over this draft for the re-write.

Thanks on the comments on the avatar. I'm a big fan of the movies. Highly recommend going to see 'Dark Knight Rises' btw

Thanks, again, for the feedback, Andrew

Daniel

I thought this was really well put together in the scenes and inter-cutting, and the writing is top standard for voice and control.

My only questions would be along a similar theme to one or two other posters, about the plotting. It just feels like there's a twist, or a hidden truth that hasn't been revealed - almost like it's the introduction to something bigger (the story of the three boys?)...

The characters, dialogue and visual descriptions are right there - but maybe try and surprise us at the end.

edit - i was just scrolling up and i happened to catch the bit where you mention your age. w00t. i'd totally assumed you were in your late twenties. keep writing dude, you're good at it.

Thanks, marriot.

I appreciate your feedback and your compliments.

I'm currently brainstorming different ways I can end this one with more impact. There should be a re-write up, soon.

Cheers,

Daniel

P.S: There's no way I'm giving up the writing. Thanks