Wanted to bump this one up, because I'm going to be reading it tonight and commenting on it a bit later on...

One thing of note and importance for you going forward, or anyone willing to listen who does extensive FLASHBACKS during their scripts -- You're doing them wrong.

If you want to do them, fine, I don't, but you can... Just make sure you're doing them the right way.

And what is the right way?

FLASHBACK- EXT. AFRICAN VILLAGE - NIGHT

(this is where your scene will go... all of it... Dialouge, too)

                                                                     END FLASHBACK.

That is the proper way to do "Said" event... Stop wasting space and lines thinking you're giving the script "ROOM" to "BREATH".   You also do this for DREAM SEQUENCES as well.

Argue what you may, argue preference... The above is the way to do it -- End of story.

I'll be making some notes and commenting on this one a bit later on.

--- Edit ---

Some notes/food for thought on your script...

I'd re-word your 1st passage like this.

Grass huts pepper the land in a sporadic mess -- Adults and youn teens exchange gunfire in a frenzy.

A young boy, DUMO, 10,  crouches at the entrance of a hut.  He wipes sweat from his brow, a large scar carves a path from his left eye to his mouth -- He squeezes off a round.

His target, a grunty man, sent to the floor inside.

Pleased, Dumo smiles and moves on.

This is very visual, people overthink their scripts all the time and start getting into flashy novel shit -- This isn't a novel, it's a screeplay.  We describe the most rudimentary elements of the scene, only what the camera can catch and see, in the most vivid way possible.  

We do not need filler words like "IS" crowding up the visual.  Take them out.  People can bitch and cry all they want about "ing" words -- but "IS" is the biggest offender in a script.  You will come to find this out once you converse with consultants and analayst and the like...

I'd re-write your 2nd scene like this.

INT. MEETING HALL - DAY  (PRESENT, U.S.A.)
Dumo, aged many years,  speaks to a large, attentive crowd.

By putting the SUPER: in with your slug it allows whom ever to make the judgment of how they want to handle the information on screen...  Technicals can hinder the read and you only want so many of them in your script.  Most people think they should all be unto their own lines --  Also, as you can see, I've saved you a ton of space on your page.

I spoke earlier of how you handle FLASHBACKS:  
It's not up for discussion, but I'd practice it going forward...

---
As for the story itself...  If it were written a bit tighter, as in the flashbacks handled with a little more care, it'd be a servicible entry.  I'm not one to really jump on the hole cause issue here -- When I seen 11 and 12 year old kids hanging up Kony 2012 posters in my city I knew it was an issue better left alone for my blood pressure and pulse-rate sake.  Needless to say, I'm more concerend about the children in my backyard, America, who are suffering.

But we are all under the blanket of Yahweh here, so one should not turn a blind eye to the atrocities all around the world.  For that, I commend what you've done here.  It's a nice story, but it's a total train wreck at times, too.

Hey Baltis,

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. I really appreciate your feedback.

Flashbacks for me have always been a shady area. I think I've seen them formatted in about 4-5 different ways, so I never really know which is the best way. I think your way does seem to make more sense than others.

As for the SUPER... I've been told on previous scripts that the way you have suggested is wrong. So now it really becomes a matter of what is the correct way to state that something is in PRESENT DAY. I can see the pros of your methods, however, with the whole page saving thing.

It's great that you are still able to appreciate the story, even though the main subject may not concern you that much.

Thanks, Baltis. I really appreciate it

Daniel

Hey Dan

Excellent topic to address. The writing is competent. Just a few notes and questions.

The gunshots at the end, after the flashback: where did those take place? That confused me. I thought maybe Dumo was shot, but it does not seem to be the case. Was that a lingering part of his memory of the flash?

Only thing I would suggest would be to work at making the moment of his first kill a much more memorable moment. We should experience the terror and reluctance of this kid being turned into a killer. Then we come to see his evolution into a killer who enjoys his work. Something he feels guilty about now, but at the time, as a young boy gaining approval from his masters, and perhaps experiencing the excitement of things, it became like a game.

Good work overall on a difficult but important subject.

notes: page 2 contempt should be content

technical suggestion: if you get a free account from a host like Dropbox.com, you can send Don the link instead of the script. That way you can make changes whenever you want. So if there's a spelling mistake like that, you can fix without bothering him. Just a suggestion.

Hey Kevin,

Thanks for the feedback on this one.

Quoted from leitskev The gunshots at the end, after the flashback: where did those take place? That confused me. I thought maybe Dumo was shot, but it does not seem to be the case. Was that a lingering part of his memory of the flash?

In short, the gunshots were supposed to trigger (ha, 'scuse the pun) a sense of mystery. 'What actually happened on that night?' 'Who got shot?' - That was the type of response I was going for. So, yes, it is a lingering part of his memory. I was also trying to make a link to my opening sentence 'Two GUN SHOTS ring out' but now, when I look back I find that that particular sentence really has no place in the script. Don't know why I had it there in the first place.

Quoted from leitskev   Only thing I would suggest would be to work at making the moment of his first kill a much more memorable moment. We should experience the terror and reluctance of this kid being turned into a killer. Then we come to see his evolution into a killer who enjoys his work. Something he feels guilty about now, but at the time, as a young boy gaining approval from his masters, and perhaps experiencing the excitement of things, it became like a game.

I like that idea. I like that idea alot

Slowly, as I re-write all my scripts, I'll be putting them up on Dropbox. Figured it was a lot easier.

Thanks Kev, really appreciate it

Daniel

Hey, not bad, Dan. For 5 pages, it was good.

A really strong message. Similar to my script.

I'd agree with Bill in saying that the audience aren't left with anything. If you think about it, the story didn't really conclude anything, just the speech that Dumo finished. Maybe have him at his home and he examines a picture of his mate and says he's sorry for accidently killing him. I'm not sure but a twist or a real ending would really bump this up a notch.

Overall, a nice job but needs more.

Thanks Mohammad

No doubt about it, this one is nowhere near as good as your "Choice of None". It just reminded me of it a bit. I'm wanting to have this one re-written soon. I wrote it during an english lesson, because I got bored of running over quotes for "To Kill A Mockingbird". After that I brought it home and copied it word-for-word and uploaded it. I hardly thought about the mistakes that may have been made.

It definitely needs a little more. Doing a little brainstorming on what I can add. Appreciate the suggestions.

Thanks for the read.

Dan

P.S. Loving the new avatar

Hey Dan,

Had a free morning, so managed to get round to reading both your shorts

Once again, you've written a decent little, powerful short. I really liked the cutting back to the flashbacks throughout. This is a technique I really like. Now, whilst I did like this one, I personally preferred He Was The Enemy. I'll get to that in a second though

Right, you had a decent opening scene here. I thought this opening was far more visual, and established the themes and setting better than the opening used in He Was The Enemy.

Page 1- I believe “adults and young teenagers” need to be capitalised, as they are, after all, characters. Same with “nearby man” and “running adults” lower down the page. And “young children” on the next page. You’ve capitalised instructors though Need to cap “Kony’s kids” on page 3, and “escaping soldier” on page 4. They may have been a few more I missed as well, so probably best that you go through and check them out yourself as well during the rewrite

Page 2- I don’t really understand the crowd’s shock at this statement? Maybe would be more fitting if the crowd react after Dumo’s next line of dialogue, the “stolen from our parents” line.

Page 3- “Dumo runs beside two other black boys” – you could probably cut the “black”, as it’s sort of given that children in Uganda will be African.

Page 4- Need a capital letter for “Dumo”.

I’d remove the “Dumo’s POV” at the bottom of page 4. This could be written like: “Dumo peaks out the door at the empty village. A few NIGHT GUARDS patrol.” Or something similar. Gets the same info across without using the dreaded POV

Some of the writing was a bit passive throughout. For example, page 5: “He breathes in, before running out of the doorway” could easily be: “He takes a DEEP BREATH and runs out of the doorway.”

Also, I’d get rid of the continued scene thing at the top and bottom of each page where a scene runs over, as I, and others,  find these a bit annoying to read.

Right, so why did I prefer He Was The Enemy to this one? Well, first, I've read quite a few books, and seen a few different films about African child soldiers. And whilst it is a good story that you're telling here, you're not really treading any new ground.

Secondly, there was also a lack of conflict. In He Was The Enemy, you had Carson and Damon arguing about the child. Here, there wasn't much conflict at all. Until he decides to leave, we never see Dumo arguing about not wanting to be a child soldier. I know you do mention in the script how Kony brainwashed the kids into being killing machines, I think it would be more interesting if Dumo isn't totally brainwashed. Like have him consider what he is doing is wrong, some kind of moral dilemma. I don't think I've seen this done before with African child soldiers, so that could be how you could put a new spin on things. Even with Dumo escaping. That could be an edge-of-your-seat scene rife with conflict. Will he get away, or will he get killed? But all we really get is him looking out, a bit nervous. Then he makes a break for it, then we cut to black.

Despite these problems, as I said at the start, I did really enjoy this.

I look forward to reading it after the rewrite; send it my way when you have completed it

Toby.

Dan, I read this today after it got bumped back up to the top of the board.  I liked the story, liked the concept, and the writing (apart from the grammatical things others have noted), was strong and visual.

I won't rehash what others have already commented on, other than the initial Fade In  does need to be eliminated, since you can't Fade In to darkness.  Also, I think the crowd shouldn't be shocked at what they're hearing--presumably they know what he is there to speak about.  Maybe they show more of a sadness or disgust with what Dumo is talking about.


I will say the ending was a little flat for me.   I got to thinking about how you could bring some irony or a twist into the ending.  For example, maybe when he is heading back to his hotel that evening, he is confronted by a young teen with a gun demanding money.  Dumo resists and is shot.  It could juxtapose the violence of the young kids in Africa with the gun culture here in the U.S.  Maybe the short ends there without showing what happens at that point.  Just a thought--overall quite impressed! Keep it up!

Gary

^^ Gary, have you read What Is the What: The Autobiography of Valentino Achak Deng, written by Dave Eggers? That's what that whole novel is about. A Sudinese refugee living in the US details his life growing up in a civil war in the Sudan, whilst he is held captive in his new house in Atlanta, by homeraiders. Phenomenal book, one of the best I read the year it was published.

Toby, I have not, although my daughter read it in high school.  I need to go pull it off the shelf and give it a read.  My daughter said it was one of her favorites, so thanks for the reminder!

Hey Toby and Gary. Thanks to the both of you for giving this a read. I'll respond to each individually on this thread.

Toby,

Thanks for the exchange in feedback. As I said in my PM, I do plan on re-writing this one some time this month. I'm also weighing up the possibilities of including the themes from this into a feature length later on in the year. I have all these different ideas going for feature lengths, it's difficult to work out which one I write first.

Quoted from Toby Once again, you've written a decent little, powerful short. I really liked the cutting back to the flashbacks throughout. This is a technique I really like. Now, whilst I did like this one, I personally preferred He Was The Enemy. I'll get to that in a second though

I love flashbacks, but only when handled well. I think I probably could have handled the flashbacks a little differently in this one. No worries. I prefer "He was the Enemy" as well.

Quoted from Toby Page 1- I believe “adults and young teenagers” need to be capitalised, as they are, after all, characters. Same with “nearby man” and “running adults” lower down the page. And “young children” on the next page. You’ve capitalised instructors though  Need to cap “Kony’s kids” on page 3, and “escaping soldier” on page 4. They may have been a few more I missed as well, so probably best that you go through and check them out yourself as well during the rewrite

Good notes on the CAPS. I was still a little unsure on them when I wrote this one.

Yeah, the shock from the audience doesn't make sense. It has been mentioned in previous feedback and I will strive to fix it up in the next re-write.

Quoted from Toby I’d remove the “Dumo’s POV” at the bottom of page 4. This could be written like: “Dumo peaks out the door at the empty village. A few NIGHT GUARDS patrol.” Or something similar. Gets the same info across without using the dreaded POV

I remember a recent discussion on the boards where people were discussing the exact same thing. I ended up saying exactly what you just said so I agree with you 100%. Good pick

Sorry about the passive writing and Continues. I'll look to eliminate them in the next re-write.

I agree with you with the lack of conflict in this script. What I was trying to do was set up that the kids really never thought about what they were actually doing. I thought that would be enough to show the "tools" that these warlords use. Having said that, I guess it does have a tendency to make the concept and execution a bit dull.

Thanks again, Toby. Glad you found yourself enjoying it. I'll be sure to send the re-write your way

Dan

Hey there, Gary. Sorry I didn't reply straight away.

Glad you liked the concept, the story and the writing. It's one that's quite personal with me, so it's good to see people appreciating it.

Quoted from Gary I won't rehash what others have already commented on, other than the initial Fade In  does need to be eliminated, since you can't Fade In to darkness.  Also, I think the crowd shouldn't be shocked at what they're hearing--presumably they know what he is there to speak about.  Maybe they show more of a sadness or disgust with what Dumo is talking about.

That fade in to darkness is ridiculous. Thanks for that. I completely agree with the crowd being shocked. That's something that people have been bringing up ever since I posted this draft. It will be changed in the upcoming re-write.

I think the ending fell flat for pretty much everyone who gave this a read. I'm quite well-known for anti-climaxes in screenplays. Some would say it's what I'm good at

I'm working on developing some sort of twist to keep readers a little more interested. I'm hoping to pretty much change the script completely. I don't think it'll be recognisable when/if people come back.

Thanks Gary. Your input is seriously appreciated

Dan