Strangers Come at Night by Daniel Botha - Short, Drama - A Ugandan man steps forward to reveal all about the fearsome Joseph Kony. 6 pages - pdf, format

Dan,

Thought this flowed well overall.

One thing about the opening line of action that caught my attention was mentioning the grass huts before the battle -- I get that you’re establishing the location and it may seem a small point but the ‘frenzy of chaos...’ is really what this image is about, drawing us to the grass huts first could detract from what’s taking place.  

p.2. think ‘contempt’ should be content.

p.4. creeps not ‘creaps.’ Again with ‘peaking’ -- peeking -- could use 'peeks' here instead?

Not sure what a ‘reasonably empty village’ might look like -- okay I can, but it reads kind of awkward.  You mention the village twice here, once in the POV slug then again in the action.  How about something like:

DUMO’S POV:

A row of huts -- a sentry stationed at either end.

Something like that might give us a clearer picture of what he sees.

Also it’s NIGHT in the slug, so it’s a given they’re night guards -- sorry if that sounds picky -- anything to cut down the word count.

An interesting subject for sure with some potentially arresting visuals.  I only have a basic knowledge of Joseph Kony and his child soldiers.  Though you get the point across, it’s presented in a pretty matter of fact way and as such I’m not sure what reaction you're hoping to elicit from the audience?

I did wonder how this would work if you omitted the flashback/forward and only cut to adult Dumo delivering his address at the very end?  Re-arrange his earlier dialogue in VO to illustrate Young Dumo’s actions?

Good luck with it.

Steve.

I'm in a bit of a hurry so this may not be as action packed with depth and insight as my usual responses (sarcasm) so here goes.

• I typically format flashbacks like EXT. AFRICAN VILLAGE - NIGHT - FLASHBACK but that's less an issue of rules more me trying to indoctrinate all screenwriters to my way of thinking.
  
• Why is the crowd so shocked at the mention of Kony's endeavors (page two). I assume the audience is there to hear about Dumo and his adventures in Uganda, so why is that the statement that warrants the big gasp.
  
• "a few metre away" should be "metres." (page two)
  
• "contempt with himself" should be "content" (page two) unless this is meant to point towards some untapped self loathing on Dumo's part.
  
• Seems strange that the audience would engage in "nods of agreement." The atmosphere seems more "sit there shut up and clap hands at the end and hug" than "show gesticulations of approval."
  
• Dumo's outburst, while logical in the context of his experiences, seemed to happen a little spontaneously. He's collected in his recollection then suddenly he starts shouting. I don't know, maybe it was just the exclamation marks.
  
• "walks bag" should be "walks back." (page four)
  

I liked the message. However I will say that it was a bit straightforward to the point of coming off like a polemic. That might have been the point though: illustrate the detriments of the recently popularized situation of child soldiers in Uganda under Kony.

Nice job.

Hey Daniel.

Enjoyed this one, overall.  It has a very current feel to it (as I've noticed with some of your other scripts) and is certainly relevant today.

You'll get no major complaints from me.  The only real problems I had were on page 2.  When Dumo mentions the sweet treats, it makes the flashback seem a bit redundant.  Maybe if he just said that they were rewarded, but didn't specify, it would give more impact to the chocolates being handed out.

Also on page 2, it says Dumo smiles, contempt with himself.  Do you mean content with himself?

Great job!
Gage

Hey everyone!

Thanks so much for all the feedback. Not going to lie, I didn't think this one would be well-received, but I haven't had any really negative comments yet, so thanks for that.

stevenmiles: Thanks for the feedback, you raised some pretty good points. The whole Kony Campaign really has interested me and I wanted to create something visual about it. I'm thinking of adding a particularly emotional scene where the kids are taken. Any thoughts on that, anyone?

tendai_moyo: Thanks for the feedback. I don't care if it's 3 words of feedback or 3000, at least it's something, right? Your assumption about the audience being at the speech is correct and I will find a way of re-wording that particular moment(s). I see what you're saying about Dumo's outburst. It wasn't necessarily supposed to be him shouting, more like emphasizing his point. Can't believe some of the mistakes I've made in this one. Thanks for pointing them out.

Gage: Glad you enjoyed this. I still think I need to add a lot more to it, but it's awesome to hear people are enjoying it as it is. See what you're saying about the sweet treats.

Thanks everyone. I've gotten some great feedback, so far.

Daniel

Daniel,

Good job on shedding light on such sensitive subject.  If more scripts were written and produced about the atrocities of this Kony character maybe they would've caught him by now.   As it stands right now, most turn a blind eye.  Machine Gun Preacher is the only other film that comes to mind that deals with this topic, although I'm sure there's other films I haven't seen.  

Format-wise I didn't have any real gripes although I spotted a couple typos.   One page 2, fire-arm" is one word and it seems metre should be plural.  

My main problem with this script was there was no big twist in the end.  I would've had Dumo pull out a gun in the courtroom and blow his brains out after he gave his testimony.  That way his plight would've been more widely publicized and he'd in a sense he'd show is penance for the murders he committed.  But that's just my take.

In any event,  nice work.  Keep it up.

Hey Dan - you knew I'd read this - having checked out all your stuff, some might even start calling me a fan ... or worse still, a stalker.

This was a bit of a 'cup of tea' script for me. Satifying but ... nothing to shout about.

I can't resist format issues, so a couple from me, and then onto the story:

FADE IN:
BLACKNESS
Two GUN SHOTS ring out.
EXT. AFRICAN VILLAGE - NIGHT

I cant really go for this - it's not logical to fade in to something you can't see.

BLACKNESS / ON BLACK / OVER BLACK
Two GUN SHOTS ring out.
FADE IN:
EXT. AFRICAN VILLAGE - NIGHT

Steve mentioned the opening, and I agree totally that you need a strong opening visual, but this one's a bit fluffy - I just got the feeling it could have been a bit more 'in your face'.

The Flashbacks I didn't like: If you read Christopher Riley (The Hollywood Standard), he's of the opinion that you can leave 'Flashback' out if it's quite clear what is going on - and I think here, with the scar, it's obvious enough, so they ended up, for me, just taking up space.

There was some over-writing:
The younger Dumo, could have been Young Dumo, it feels to me more like a name then.

## Dumo walks bag to his sleeping mat.
-- I'm not even going to say what it should be, just tsk. Very tsk.

On to the story -- for me - JMO - I think you score a small own goal, and miss a small sitter:

Old Dumo says "I'm here to raise awareness ..."
... which is just a bit ... yawn, really. I'd have liked some more on this - as this appears to be his key motivation, and it's now sounding like a Social Workers' Convention.

The key - I think is to do with Young Dumo - there's no real key moment - no struggle - maybe it would have done good to have gone for that 'first kill' - him being forced, coerced into firing that first shot - then being rewarded with the 'sweet treat' - I think that would have given some real emotional impact - and you could have interspersed that with Old Dumo shedding a tear?

Just my thoughts - it's good - I think all your scripts have a certain quality to them, this one's just lacking something to pull it out of the ordinary.

Thanks for the feedback, guys!

M.Alexander: Thanks for taking the time to provide some feedback. There's more to come to this script. It's definitely not yet complete. Not too fond of the idea of Dumo pulling out the gun for the 'crimes' he did. To me, it doesn't seem right. However, I do get where you're coming from. The ending does need more excitement. As far as I know, many people do know about Joseph Kony due to that viral youtube short documentary done on it, but it seems that nothing much has been done. I'm hoping that a director picks this up as it is a script I would like to see on screen.

Simon: Wouldn't say I knew you'd read this. More like I was hoping you'd read this. Your feedback is always appreciated, as you always raise such valid points. There's a few keys, I think (at least there's supposed to be). There's the moment when Dumo is rewarded with 'sweet treats.' There's the game that Dumo and his friends play when they count the men they've killed and then there's the moment when the older Dumo breaks down.

As I have already said, I want to open this one with the initial kidnapping of the kids. Hoping this will have some sort of impact.

Keep the feedback coming guys. I'm loving it  

Daniel

Hey Dan,

Great to see another script from you. It’s always a pleasure to read contributing members work and you’ve been doing your fair share of reviewing.

This was okay and kept me interested. It’s a sensitive subject and you’ve handled it with care and maybe this is its downfall.

For what you have, I don’t feel the flashbacks were absolutely necessary as it was mostly covered in Dumo’s speech.

If you use flashbacks, it would have been nice to see more dramatic events to pull us viewers into the harshness of this world and what Dumo and his fellow kid soilders went through.

It would be a risk to be more graphic of course but if you decide to go into this topic then I see no reason to tip-toe around it. Dive in and give us some emotion in these flashbacks which would then relate to the current speech and give it more meaning.

The writing was okay on the whole, you’ve come a long way since your first script and that shows great commitment and work, good job.

These are some notes I took during the read:

P.1 The first few opening paragraphs could be trimmed down for the better. You still have a tendency to add superfluous details. I’m not trying to bring you down here, as I still do it to be honest, but you need to cut the fat sometimes.

“A young boy” I don’t understand a line like this, okay you want to specify it’s a boy but why “young” boy? You reveal his age after his name.

Still have a habit of throwing in those “ing” words when it’s unnecessary and although it doesn't hurt the read, should be avoided for the better.

Dumo fires a round but I didn’t even know he had a gun? It seems like you spent a lot of time describing his scar though.

The first flashback seems redundant, basically the same as the opening shot and adds no new light to the story. Just a thought.

P.2 “The older Dumo” Personally think you can get rid of “the older” Think this is pretty clear as it’s the end of the flashback.

“metre away” Should be metres.

“the training field.” Another nit-pick I’m afraid, no reason to mention this as we already know we’re at the training ground.

“Let’s see more of that great
fighting out in the battlefield.”

Think “shooting” would be a better word used here instead of “fighting”
“contempt” Should be content.

P. 3 “Actually watching these men fall to
the ground after I shot them!”

Reads awkward and doesn’t sound natural to me. What’s with all the exclamation marks?

“through the forest” And again here, I know this. Sorry to be picky.

P.3/4 “(CONTINUED)” What’s going on? “continued” have suddenly appeared here. Try to rid of these, must be
something with your software.

“dumo rises” Didn’t cap Dumo.

“He looks out the small entrance of a doorway.” Awkwardly phrased IMO.

“creaps” should be creeps and “peaking” should be peeking. Both on the same line.

“we see” Oh no, here comes the nasty “we”

“reasonably” What’s reasonably empty? I mean does this include the guards?

“Dumo walks bag to his sleeping mat.” Another typo but I think the line speaks for itself.

P.5 “A few wipe tears from their eyes.” Kinda losing me here, what kind of meeting is this? I guess it wasn’t revealed but who goes into a meeting to hear a story and cry? I actually thought this was some speech in front of a U.N type organisation? Now I’m not sure.

“Fade out” or “the end” choose one but you don’t need both.

Overall a good read on a touching subject but I felt it could/should have been better. Some work needed on this one my friend.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Hey Steve,

Thanks again for you feedback on my work. I appreciate the time and effort you take in getting back to me.

Quoted from CoopBazinga This was okay and kept me interested. It’s a sensitive subject and you’ve handled it with care and maybe this is its downfall.

Interesting statement, but I get what you're saying. This script needs more action. I need to make it more haunting rather than just tread around this sensitive subject because that is what readers will like, right?

Quoted from CoopBazinga If you use flashbacks, it would have been nice to see more dramatic events to pull us viewers into the harshness of this world and what Dumo and his fellow kid soilders went through.

Fair enough. I already have an idea of some harrowing scenes I can add to this to hopefully make it a better and easier read.

I definitely still have problems with the way I write and I'm still working on that particular front. I think this website has already helped me in so many ways and I'm glad I made the choice to post here. VIVA SS!!

Anyway, thanks Steve. You always give some great feedback

Daniel

Hey, Daniel, good to see more from you. Kony is a very important topic so I can see the importance and meaning in a script such as this one. Overall, others have already gone over typos and little nitpicks I was going to mention, so I'll just say that I enjoyed this one. I think it would be a good thing to film and bring further awareness on the subject. Nice work.

Quoted from Ectoplasm Hey, Daniel, good to see more from you. Kony is a very important topic so I can see the importance and meaning in a script such as this one. Overall, others have already gone over typos and little nitpicks I was going to mention, so I'll just say that I enjoyed this one. I think it would be a good thing to film and bring further awareness on the subject. Nice work.

Thanks Ectoplasm (I still don't know your actual name)

Great to see people are enjoying this one and that people have realized how important this topic actually is. I would have filmed this one myself, except I live in an extremely cold country and there is no way I could find suitable locations to shoot. Guess I could use green screens, but I'm not a fan of that. I'd rather be surrounded by natural environment.

Anyway, thanks for your time

Daniel

Ah, sorry, the names Brandon, I should point that out more often than I do. And I'm not a fan of green screen either, it never looks decent to me.

Hey Daniel,

seen you working hard for others so thought i would have a look at this.

I haven't read any other feedback whilst taking notes so apologies if any repeats.

As i have said, for a 16 year old, this is miles above what i could do, so well done.

cheers

bill


Strangers come at night - feedback

Title - interesting title. i had a couple of images in my including a seedy erotic thriller, but that’s just me!!!

Good opening scene - punchy, to the point, yet visual
P3 Contempt - meant to be content?
Flashbacks - maybe a little too many, we get the message/image
“it’s sick, right? - not sure this adds anything, we’ll see
p4 Dumo needs to be capped in new scene

Finished. Ok, a nice piece, well done, but a bit like a government propaganda story.

How about we see him kill his friend by accident in the last flashback, or he runs away with a stack of money he hasn't declared. ie there is a twist in this short story that sets up a conflict (ie the driver in any story) between what he says and what he does.

I think short stories needs that twist/payoff to really make them zip. Here we hear his story and feel sorry for him/the country etc but what debate are we left with?

Otherwise sound work, and if i’m right that you are 16, them miles above what i could do at that age

well done.

Hey, Daniel

This was okay but I was expecting more from it.  It's a decent topic but the story lacked any great punch.

Dumo tells us he was encouraged to kill for sweets and then you sow us the same thing in a flashback, I think this is a waste: you tell us then show us.

The audience seem shocked by Dumo but surely they know what he's going to talk about?  I know they would still be shocked by some of the graphic details but maybe not immediately?

I just think it needs something unexpected to happen to move it to the next level.  It's not bad but could be better.

Thanks guys for some more feedback. I appreciate the time.

Reef Dreamer: I turned 15 just over a month ago. Anyway, that's not important. I'm in full agreement with you when you say this one needs a twist. I will start working on that as soon as I can.

alffy: Thank you for taking the time to provide some feedback. A lot of people have commented on the audience being shocked at what Dumo actually says at the meeting. To be honest, I didn't really think of that when I went into writing. I just wanted to get this idea down on paper.

Thanks to the both of you for giving your feedback. I appreciate it

Daniel

Hello, Dan.

As a story this was "okay." It was too straightforward. I think a metaphor of some kind would have had far more impact--something like Aesop's fables. But what you posted does handle the sensitive issue with tact and is worthy of mention. You didn't try to sensationalize it, and the bit about the chocolate was both sad and appalling, very effective imagery.

Best regards

Thanks rmaze, appreciate the feedback.

It's great to hear the chocolate scene was effective as that was what I was going for. As for the story, my main aim was to raise awareness of Joseph Kony, which I feel I have done well-enough. But, I want this to be not just a "well-enough" film so I'd like to add to it if at all possible.

Daniel

Dan, I forgot to mention this, but there may be a historical inaccuracy in your story. Kony was born in 1960 and came to power in 1987. In the 70s, the dictator Idi Amin ruled Uganda. Your main character would've been a child during Amin's reign. You might want to make DUMO about 32 or younger instead of 49.

Quoted from rmaze Dan, I forgot to mention this, but there may be a historical inaccuracy in your story. Kony was born in 1960 and came to power in 1987. In the 70s, the dictator Idi Amin ruled Uganda. Your main character would've been a child during Amin's reign. You might want to make DUMO about 32 or younger instead of 49.

History... that thing that stuffs everything up...

Thanks rmaze. I should have properly researched stuff like that.

Daniel

Daniel

Not bad, technically your writing has improved a lot since the first script I read from you so well done on that, this reads smoothly.

Only for the subject is so topical and fresh in people's minds one would be forgiven to think that it was fictional, designed to shock and appal the reader. It proves yet again that old adage of truth being not only stranger but often more gruesome and dehumanizing than anything the most base mind could conjure up.

As a script, I think it needs a twist or surprise to make it more engaging and dramatic. Of course, the events described are inherently dramatic and surprising but as it stands it reads more like a documentary short or reconstruction, like something on the history channel.

Nothing wrong with that if this is your intention and Dumo's testimony is based word for word on a factual case (although I presume it’s commonplace for that particular part of Ugandan history) but if you are attempting a self contained story based on actual events then it needs something meatier, something unexpected to really draw in the audience and differentiate it from just a mere account of events.

Keep at it.

Col.

Col,

Thanks so much for the feedback on this one. I'm currently away on holiday, so the reply is going to be a little shorter than usual. I agree with you that it needs some sort of twist at the end. I'm currently researching actual Kony stories, so I can add more truth to the story.

Thanks, man. I'm ever so greatful.

Daniel

Daniel- Very impressive writing. Way ahead of me at that age. Sad to think kids at that age or even younger are forced into combat. Touchy subject but you did a great job with it. Best of luck.

Thanks DV44 (Sorry, don't know your name...)

Thanks for letting me know what you thought of this. I really appreciate it.

I will be taking this into a re-write, soon. I'm currently working on an idea that I can film next month. A local film festival has just been announced and I'm keen to enter.

Cheers!
Daniel

Hey Daniel- I'm Dirk by the way. Let me know when the rewrite is finished. Good luck if you enter the film festival.

Hey Dirk,

I'd be happy to read any of your work. LEt me know if you would like that. And thank you

Dan,

The writing is effective in getting me through the pages quickly and with no need to dig back to clarify. That clean style will really serve you well. Was this was a stream of consciousness script? The reason I ask is that it doesn't seem as structured as it could be and that's where it needs some work. Also, it's difficult to not read this and think of Blood Diamond with the powerful way Djimon Hounsou dealt with this disgusting practice. So with this in mind, you've got to tell this story in a way that makes it unique to separate it from a film many know and became emotionally entangled with.

To be fair, I think it's quite a challenge to condense a subject matter like this within 6 pages so it becomes a self-contained, structured story. Personally, I'd say you'll struggle to do that with the two timelines unless they face off in some way and create tension/conflict, e.g. the story he's telling conflicts with the visual of him as a child. Maybe even with such seeming honesty, there are still some details he omits as he's yet to reconcile this within himself and is therefore too ashamed to admit to the audience. It would certainly add a bit more bite to the end because we (the real audience) know more than the audience within the script.

At the moment, it's really just a retelling of his experiences - we're not being challenged or enticed to become involved personally with the character. Yeah, we can all feel empathy for those who were child soldiers, but just not with this particular chap as it stands.

Nice avatar, btw.

Hey Andrew,

Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it. Great to see readers getting through the pages, quickly. I was reading through my first script the other day and even I put it down. Would have been in the same situation if it wasn't because of contributors, here.

Stream of Consciousness script?? Sorry, I'm not entirely sure what that is.

I know this isn't exactly original, but honestly, how many scripts these days are? There's no real technique I can use to tell this particular story in a different way.

I see exactly what you're saying with struggle between two timelines. I'll see what I can do with it when I go over this draft for the re-write.

Thanks on the comments on the avatar. I'm a big fan of the movies. Highly recommend going to see 'Dark Knight Rises' btw

Thanks, again, for the feedback, Andrew

Daniel

I thought this was really well put together in the scenes and inter-cutting, and the writing is top standard for voice and control.

My only questions would be along a similar theme to one or two other posters, about the plotting. It just feels like there's a twist, or a hidden truth that hasn't been revealed - almost like it's the introduction to something bigger (the story of the three boys?)...

The characters, dialogue and visual descriptions are right there - but maybe try and surprise us at the end.

edit - i was just scrolling up and i happened to catch the bit where you mention your age. w00t. i'd totally assumed you were in your late twenties. keep writing dude, you're good at it.

Thanks, marriot.

I appreciate your feedback and your compliments.

I'm currently brainstorming different ways I can end this one with more impact. There should be a re-write up, soon.

Cheers,

Daniel

P.S: There's no way I'm giving up the writing. Thanks

Wanted to bump this one up, because I'm going to be reading it tonight and commenting on it a bit later on...

One thing of note and importance for you going forward, or anyone willing to listen who does extensive FLASHBACKS during their scripts -- You're doing them wrong.

If you want to do them, fine, I don't, but you can... Just make sure you're doing them the right way.

And what is the right way?

FLASHBACK- EXT. AFRICAN VILLAGE - NIGHT

(this is where your scene will go... all of it... Dialouge, too)

                                                                     END FLASHBACK.

That is the proper way to do "Said" event... Stop wasting space and lines thinking you're giving the script "ROOM" to "BREATH".   You also do this for DREAM SEQUENCES as well.

Argue what you may, argue preference... The above is the way to do it -- End of story.

I'll be making some notes and commenting on this one a bit later on.

--- Edit ---

Some notes/food for thought on your script...

I'd re-word your 1st passage like this.

Grass huts pepper the land in a sporadic mess -- Adults and youn teens exchange gunfire in a frenzy.

A young boy, DUMO, 10,  crouches at the entrance of a hut.  He wipes sweat from his brow, a large scar carves a path from his left eye to his mouth -- He squeezes off a round.

His target, a grunty man, sent to the floor inside.

Pleased, Dumo smiles and moves on.

This is very visual, people overthink their scripts all the time and start getting into flashy novel shit -- This isn't a novel, it's a screeplay.  We describe the most rudimentary elements of the scene, only what the camera can catch and see, in the most vivid way possible.  

We do not need filler words like "IS" crowding up the visual.  Take them out.  People can bitch and cry all they want about "ing" words -- but "IS" is the biggest offender in a script.  You will come to find this out once you converse with consultants and analayst and the like...

I'd re-write your 2nd scene like this.

INT. MEETING HALL - DAY  (PRESENT, U.S.A.)
Dumo, aged many years,  speaks to a large, attentive crowd.

By putting the SUPER: in with your slug it allows whom ever to make the judgment of how they want to handle the information on screen...  Technicals can hinder the read and you only want so many of them in your script.  Most people think they should all be unto their own lines --  Also, as you can see, I've saved you a ton of space on your page.

I spoke earlier of how you handle FLASHBACKS:  
It's not up for discussion, but I'd practice it going forward...

---
As for the story itself...  If it were written a bit tighter, as in the flashbacks handled with a little more care, it'd be a servicible entry.  I'm not one to really jump on the hole cause issue here -- When I seen 11 and 12 year old kids hanging up Kony 2012 posters in my city I knew it was an issue better left alone for my blood pressure and pulse-rate sake.  Needless to say, I'm more concerend about the children in my backyard, America, who are suffering.

But we are all under the blanket of Yahweh here, so one should not turn a blind eye to the atrocities all around the world.  For that, I commend what you've done here.  It's a nice story, but it's a total train wreck at times, too.

Hey Baltis,

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. I really appreciate your feedback.

Flashbacks for me have always been a shady area. I think I've seen them formatted in about 4-5 different ways, so I never really know which is the best way. I think your way does seem to make more sense than others.

As for the SUPER... I've been told on previous scripts that the way you have suggested is wrong. So now it really becomes a matter of what is the correct way to state that something is in PRESENT DAY. I can see the pros of your methods, however, with the whole page saving thing.

It's great that you are still able to appreciate the story, even though the main subject may not concern you that much.

Thanks, Baltis. I really appreciate it

Daniel

Hey Dan

Excellent topic to address. The writing is competent. Just a few notes and questions.

The gunshots at the end, after the flashback: where did those take place? That confused me. I thought maybe Dumo was shot, but it does not seem to be the case. Was that a lingering part of his memory of the flash?

Only thing I would suggest would be to work at making the moment of his first kill a much more memorable moment. We should experience the terror and reluctance of this kid being turned into a killer. Then we come to see his evolution into a killer who enjoys his work. Something he feels guilty about now, but at the time, as a young boy gaining approval from his masters, and perhaps experiencing the excitement of things, it became like a game.

Good work overall on a difficult but important subject.

notes: page 2 contempt should be content

technical suggestion: if you get a free account from a host like Dropbox.com, you can send Don the link instead of the script. That way you can make changes whenever you want. So if there's a spelling mistake like that, you can fix without bothering him. Just a suggestion.

Hey Kevin,

Thanks for the feedback on this one.

Quoted from leitskev The gunshots at the end, after the flashback: where did those take place? That confused me. I thought maybe Dumo was shot, but it does not seem to be the case. Was that a lingering part of his memory of the flash?

In short, the gunshots were supposed to trigger (ha, 'scuse the pun) a sense of mystery. 'What actually happened on that night?' 'Who got shot?' - That was the type of response I was going for. So, yes, it is a lingering part of his memory. I was also trying to make a link to my opening sentence 'Two GUN SHOTS ring out' but now, when I look back I find that that particular sentence really has no place in the script. Don't know why I had it there in the first place.

Quoted from leitskev   Only thing I would suggest would be to work at making the moment of his first kill a much more memorable moment. We should experience the terror and reluctance of this kid being turned into a killer. Then we come to see his evolution into a killer who enjoys his work. Something he feels guilty about now, but at the time, as a young boy gaining approval from his masters, and perhaps experiencing the excitement of things, it became like a game.

I like that idea. I like that idea alot

Slowly, as I re-write all my scripts, I'll be putting them up on Dropbox. Figured it was a lot easier.

Thanks Kev, really appreciate it

Daniel

Hey, not bad, Dan. For 5 pages, it was good.

A really strong message. Similar to my script.

I'd agree with Bill in saying that the audience aren't left with anything. If you think about it, the story didn't really conclude anything, just the speech that Dumo finished. Maybe have him at his home and he examines a picture of his mate and says he's sorry for accidently killing him. I'm not sure but a twist or a real ending would really bump this up a notch.

Overall, a nice job but needs more.

Thanks Mohammad

No doubt about it, this one is nowhere near as good as your "Choice of None". It just reminded me of it a bit. I'm wanting to have this one re-written soon. I wrote it during an english lesson, because I got bored of running over quotes for "To Kill A Mockingbird". After that I brought it home and copied it word-for-word and uploaded it. I hardly thought about the mistakes that may have been made.

It definitely needs a little more. Doing a little brainstorming on what I can add. Appreciate the suggestions.

Thanks for the read.

Dan

P.S. Loving the new avatar

Hey Dan,

Had a free morning, so managed to get round to reading both your shorts

Once again, you've written a decent little, powerful short. I really liked the cutting back to the flashbacks throughout. This is a technique I really like. Now, whilst I did like this one, I personally preferred He Was The Enemy. I'll get to that in a second though

Right, you had a decent opening scene here. I thought this opening was far more visual, and established the themes and setting better than the opening used in He Was The Enemy.

Page 1- I believe “adults and young teenagers” need to be capitalised, as they are, after all, characters. Same with “nearby man” and “running adults” lower down the page. And “young children” on the next page. You’ve capitalised instructors though Need to cap “Kony’s kids” on page 3, and “escaping soldier” on page 4. They may have been a few more I missed as well, so probably best that you go through and check them out yourself as well during the rewrite

Page 2- I don’t really understand the crowd’s shock at this statement? Maybe would be more fitting if the crowd react after Dumo’s next line of dialogue, the “stolen from our parents” line.

Page 3- “Dumo runs beside two other black boys” – you could probably cut the “black”, as it’s sort of given that children in Uganda will be African.

Page 4- Need a capital letter for “Dumo”.

I’d remove the “Dumo’s POV” at the bottom of page 4. This could be written like: “Dumo peaks out the door at the empty village. A few NIGHT GUARDS patrol.” Or something similar. Gets the same info across without using the dreaded POV

Some of the writing was a bit passive throughout. For example, page 5: “He breathes in, before running out of the doorway” could easily be: “He takes a DEEP BREATH and runs out of the doorway.”

Also, I’d get rid of the continued scene thing at the top and bottom of each page where a scene runs over, as I, and others,  find these a bit annoying to read.

Right, so why did I prefer He Was The Enemy to this one? Well, first, I've read quite a few books, and seen a few different films about African child soldiers. And whilst it is a good story that you're telling here, you're not really treading any new ground.

Secondly, there was also a lack of conflict. In He Was The Enemy, you had Carson and Damon arguing about the child. Here, there wasn't much conflict at all. Until he decides to leave, we never see Dumo arguing about not wanting to be a child soldier. I know you do mention in the script how Kony brainwashed the kids into being killing machines, I think it would be more interesting if Dumo isn't totally brainwashed. Like have him consider what he is doing is wrong, some kind of moral dilemma. I don't think I've seen this done before with African child soldiers, so that could be how you could put a new spin on things. Even with Dumo escaping. That could be an edge-of-your-seat scene rife with conflict. Will he get away, or will he get killed? But all we really get is him looking out, a bit nervous. Then he makes a break for it, then we cut to black.

Despite these problems, as I said at the start, I did really enjoy this.

I look forward to reading it after the rewrite; send it my way when you have completed it

Toby.

Dan, I read this today after it got bumped back up to the top of the board.  I liked the story, liked the concept, and the writing (apart from the grammatical things others have noted), was strong and visual.

I won't rehash what others have already commented on, other than the initial Fade In  does need to be eliminated, since you can't Fade In to darkness.  Also, I think the crowd shouldn't be shocked at what they're hearing--presumably they know what he is there to speak about.  Maybe they show more of a sadness or disgust with what Dumo is talking about.


I will say the ending was a little flat for me.   I got to thinking about how you could bring some irony or a twist into the ending.  For example, maybe when he is heading back to his hotel that evening, he is confronted by a young teen with a gun demanding money.  Dumo resists and is shot.  It could juxtapose the violence of the young kids in Africa with the gun culture here in the U.S.  Maybe the short ends there without showing what happens at that point.  Just a thought--overall quite impressed! Keep it up!

Gary

^^ Gary, have you read What Is the What: The Autobiography of Valentino Achak Deng, written by Dave Eggers? That's what that whole novel is about. A Sudinese refugee living in the US details his life growing up in a civil war in the Sudan, whilst he is held captive in his new house in Atlanta, by homeraiders. Phenomenal book, one of the best I read the year it was published.

Toby, I have not, although my daughter read it in high school.  I need to go pull it off the shelf and give it a read.  My daughter said it was one of her favorites, so thanks for the reminder!

Hey Toby and Gary. Thanks to the both of you for giving this a read. I'll respond to each individually on this thread.

Toby,

Thanks for the exchange in feedback. As I said in my PM, I do plan on re-writing this one some time this month. I'm also weighing up the possibilities of including the themes from this into a feature length later on in the year. I have all these different ideas going for feature lengths, it's difficult to work out which one I write first.

Quoted from Toby Once again, you've written a decent little, powerful short. I really liked the cutting back to the flashbacks throughout. This is a technique I really like. Now, whilst I did like this one, I personally preferred He Was The Enemy. I'll get to that in a second though

I love flashbacks, but only when handled well. I think I probably could have handled the flashbacks a little differently in this one. No worries. I prefer "He was the Enemy" as well.

Quoted from Toby Page 1- I believe “adults and young teenagers” need to be capitalised, as they are, after all, characters. Same with “nearby man” and “running adults” lower down the page. And “young children” on the next page. You’ve capitalised instructors though  Need to cap “Kony’s kids” on page 3, and “escaping soldier” on page 4. They may have been a few more I missed as well, so probably best that you go through and check them out yourself as well during the rewrite

Good notes on the CAPS. I was still a little unsure on them when I wrote this one.

Yeah, the shock from the audience doesn't make sense. It has been mentioned in previous feedback and I will strive to fix it up in the next re-write.

Quoted from Toby I’d remove the “Dumo’s POV” at the bottom of page 4. This could be written like: “Dumo peaks out the door at the empty village. A few NIGHT GUARDS patrol.” Or something similar. Gets the same info across without using the dreaded POV

I remember a recent discussion on the boards where people were discussing the exact same thing. I ended up saying exactly what you just said so I agree with you 100%. Good pick

Sorry about the passive writing and Continues. I'll look to eliminate them in the next re-write.

I agree with you with the lack of conflict in this script. What I was trying to do was set up that the kids really never thought about what they were actually doing. I thought that would be enough to show the "tools" that these warlords use. Having said that, I guess it does have a tendency to make the concept and execution a bit dull.

Thanks again, Toby. Glad you found yourself enjoying it. I'll be sure to send the re-write your way

Dan

Hey there, Gary. Sorry I didn't reply straight away.

Glad you liked the concept, the story and the writing. It's one that's quite personal with me, so it's good to see people appreciating it.

Quoted from Gary I won't rehash what others have already commented on, other than the initial Fade In  does need to be eliminated, since you can't Fade In to darkness.  Also, I think the crowd shouldn't be shocked at what they're hearing--presumably they know what he is there to speak about.  Maybe they show more of a sadness or disgust with what Dumo is talking about.

That fade in to darkness is ridiculous. Thanks for that. I completely agree with the crowd being shocked. That's something that people have been bringing up ever since I posted this draft. It will be changed in the upcoming re-write.

I think the ending fell flat for pretty much everyone who gave this a read. I'm quite well-known for anti-climaxes in screenplays. Some would say it's what I'm good at

I'm working on developing some sort of twist to keep readers a little more interested. I'm hoping to pretty much change the script completely. I don't think it'll be recognisable when/if people come back.

Thanks Gary. Your input is seriously appreciated

Dan