Quoted from CoopBazinga Yep, pretty sure it's only Brit's because I've never seen a conker here in Perth - NEVER! The kids here are deprived of such wonders.

Perth's an amazing city, especially that water park place you have there! I remember that place more than any other. So many things to do there! I couldn't imagine a more awesome place to grow up in, but then again, I was born in South Africa and I'm now living in a small town, so my expectations aren't exactly high.

I've gone off topic, again. Great script alffy

Cheers, Dan.

It feels pretty good that this script is receiving positive feedback considering it's a very British theme and many readers have no idea what a conker fight is.

Glad you enjoyed it and if I can repay the favour you need only ask, same goes for any one else who has taken the time to read this.

Hey Anthony.

I plan on checking out 'Pub Lunch' in the next couple of days, so I thought I'd check out one of your newer shorts while I had a couple of minutes.

Yeah, I'm American, so I had to look up what a conker was.  Gotta say, I had a pretty good image of all these grownups standing around playing a children's game.  I laughed.

Then I laughed because it made me realize how violent Americans are.  When I was a kid, our game was 'Pencils'.  Two people took turns cracking the pencil against the other person's knuckle.  The first person to bleed, loses.  Ahh... memories.

Anyway, it was an amusing short, or skit.  Not sure which you wrote it as.  But the ending did feel kind of anti-climactic.  It just, ended with nothing spectacular.  Maybe I was just expecting one of them to get hit in the nut or something, though.  (No pun intended.)

I remember reading 'My Fifteen Minutes' before and liking it, and seeing how clean and direct and thorough this one was written, I look forward to reading 'Pub Lunch'.

I'd write a little more, but my early on-set arthritis is bothering me real bad and I just can't type anymore.  I just don't understand why this is happening to me at such an early age.

Anyway, I'll be talking to you in a little bit.

- Mark

Cheers for checking this out, Mark.

I did this for a bit of fun after seeing two kids playing conkers and remembering how good it was playing at school.  We also had a game called 'wraps' which was played by wrapping knuckles with a deck of cards until you couldn't take any more.  Funny how we played stupid games as kids.  Lick a battery was worse!

Anyway, cheers for reading and liking it, despite the anti-climax lol.

Also, thanks in advance for checking out 'Pub Lunch', I hope you like it.

pm me if you want me to check out anything in return.

Hey alffy,
I as well had to look up what conkers was. Funny little story, though. Great writing makes it very entertaining.  Not too much to add here that hasn't already been said, but here it goes:
Pg. 2: The crowd cheer; The crowd cheers.
Pg. 3: I was a little confused at what was happening, as I never heard or have seen conkers played. Perhaps with greater detail describe when they play. I didn't know what "The target" was, until I read the rules and saw it was the other persons conker. at first I thought they just had to break their own first by slamming it on a table or something. Perhaps I just misread it, but that's what I thought at first.

BCurt, cheers for checking this out.  I thought this might struggle with the oversea's readers but, even though most haven't heard of conkers, its done okay.
I can't imagine never having played conkers, you guys don't know what you missed.  I guess now though kids play games on their phone in the playground.

apart from like a couple of sentence constructions... and even then it's more a matter of personal style...

...not much more to say than lol.

short, to the point, does what it says on the tin.

edit: thought i'd add, yeah i got the conkers thing straight away and for a brit it was a good twist. You can't quite believe they'll have a proper fight but they seem to be about to... and the conkers is a neat punch-line. Plus it is actually the sort of thing UK office staff would do if the boss was out for the day.

not just saying it to suck up, looked at what i put originally and it seemed a bit useless. Unlike, of course, a tin of ronseal.

Marriot, you seem to be checking out a lot of scripts, have you any posted?

Cheers for reading this and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

It gets the 'Ronseal' approval then lol.

i've just submitted my first short to bert, hopefully it'll be up soon. thought i'd go around and make at least a little effort first.

plus, i'm trying to discipline myself to read more scripts and try and absorb a better style for my own writing.

hope it's useful feedback is all.



edit - thanks for keeping an eye out for my short. i'll chuck in an apology here if it gets put up in the next 24 hours because I won't be able to respond to feedback until Monday. I'm off visiting my grandma.

All feedback is greatly appreciated.  One reviewer might spot something no one else has.  
I'll keep an eye for your script and give it a read.

Hi alffy,
A few observations!
An intersting idea.
Think you have too many unecessary characters and too many locations (OFFICE SPACE, CONFERENCE ROOM, CORRIDOR) which could prove costly if filmed. Think you should set it in a single location.
The action line 'intakes a large lung of air' on page 1 is overwritten and reads a little awkward.
I think the story would pack more of a punch if you cranked up the tension between Duncan and Mathew - making us believe they're about to trade punches then end with Duncan shattering Mathew's conker with a single strike rather than a blow by blow account!
Good luck with it!

rolo, thanks for the feedback.

I thought about having only one strike of the conkers but decided it would be more of a farce to have a few hits and the dreaded tangles strings.

As for only using one location; guess you're right but I don't think using 3 basic INT locations is a massive problem.  Same goes with the characters, too few and the office team might feel a little sparse.

Cheers for reading.

Hey alffy,

Thought I'd read a script from someone familiar.

I liked it.  Here's me thinking fight club in the office, but it turns out to be conkers.

It certainly is an unusual activity to hold in the office.  Nonetheless, it was a good read and I liked it!  Very easy to read too.

Easily film-able.

All the best,


Javier

Javier, good to see you around.

Cheers for the read, and yes I think this would be easy to film too.  Any producers out there lol.

Cheers, mate.

Hey Allfy, Loved the overall flow of the script. I got lost once the game Conkers was introduced. Wasn't familar with that game. Googled it. A fun kids game. Once I knew what Conkers was I went back and read the script again, enjoyed it that much more. Great job. It's good to bring the kid out of all of us. Best of luck with future scripts- Dirk