Thanks Gage

Some good comments here.

I will look at the split dialouge and good suggestion for the illuminating of the gravestones.

I guess Billy never met his dad as he died before Billy was born, over and above that, Anthony is 18yo the same age as Billy, so chances are, he may have never seen a photo of Anthony when he was young or around that age ??

There are probably many people out there who have never seen their dad or even a photo of them.

Thanks for reading.

Alex

Hey Alex,

Took another look and I admire you for thinking up new ideas/solutions for trying to make your twist work but to me it still isn’t there yet.

There is tons of white space on the page which is a good thing and if anybody remembers your first script and how over-written that was, it’s even more impressive.

But like before, the story just doesn’t work for me and like Gage quite rightly said, there are now a few plot holes which need patching.

Also spotted a typo on page 11 “where” should be “were” and flashlight is one word. And your page numbers still seem to be centered? Check your software.

These are a few questions/things that jumped out at me.

1.     “dad died before I was born” please clarify this line… change it to something like “dad died when I was one/young/baby”  All this reminded me of was a funny scene from “Only Fools and Horses” where Trigger is asked the question “what about your dad?” and his response was “Oh, he died a couple of years before I was born” Funny but not what you were going for here. Always good to be clear.

2.     Now with his mother only just recently dying, it would make sense that he’s visited his dad’s grave at some point to show his respects with her. Hence, wouldn’t he feel strange about playing a game in a cemetery where his father is buried? There are never any fears of this from Billy.

3.     I don’t know if I asked this question before but it was something I was curious about in the first reading. What is with the shadow that Billy moves out of the way from? I mean for starters, do shadows run? And why does Billy move if it’s a shadow? I’m guessing it’s important but it never comes into play.

4.     The ghost of Anthony/dad is 18 yet he’s 35 when he died? What does this mean? Why is he 18 and not 35? Seems odd to me, normally ghosts I’ve seen in movies are the age in which they died…obviously I haven’t seen very ghost movie so it could of happened somewhere.

5.     That ending is so comedic to me, this is what it reminded me of: Replace Khan with Dad.



So still a bit of work to be done for me I’m afraid but keep going…your commitment to improve is here for everyone to see so good on you.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Hey Alex- Noticed you changed the characters ages. That's good, more believable that young adults would play the game and not guys in their mid twenties. I agree with Coop in that the ghost of Anthony would be the age he died, 35, not 18. All in all you made some changes for the better. I did like the twist at the end.

Hey Alex

Not read the other comments so forgive any repeats.

Noticed Billy has two dialogues in a row on page 8.

When Billy says 'times nearly up' perhaps a quick glance at his watch?

typo on page 11, 'where' should be 'were'.

Not sure about the 'dad' ending.  I think this causes a few issues, like why is Anthony 18 when he would have been much older when he died?

No problems with the read, it was quick and easy.  I know you're aiming for a shock/surprise ending but I think you leave a lot of questions with the one you plumped for.  People will ask why his dad turned up and said nothing to him?  Did Anthony know he was Billy's dad?  Why was Anthony 18? and so on.

I think this is a good improvement on the previous draft; younger ages of the guys is much better for starters.  Still could do with a little tweaking but better, and good to see you took on board some of the feedback from your reviews.

Thanks Guys for your comments,

I will work through tham and make a few changes.

I just felt if Anthony was the age when he passed then there may have been more chance that Billy would have recognised him, this way he is none the wiser. Do ghosts all retain the age when they die ???? After all the ghost is really only the spirit of the person !!!! Not sure?

Steve, good point whether Anthony knew who Billy was?? Not sure at the stage if I should add a few remarks by Anthony that may give a hint of this just to make the audience aware that Anthony knew ???????

Quoted from CoopBazinga dad died before I was born please clarify this line change it to something like dad died when I was one/young/baby

Maybe i should expand the dialouge in relation to Anthony dying before Billy was born, thanks mate.

Quoted from alffy and good to see you took on board some of the feedback from your reviews.

Thanks alffy, thats what SS is about. If I didnt want your feedback I would not be here. I know there are a few people on SS who post screenplays then rip into those that comment, IMO they are hypocrites. Why have a resource like SS and not take advantage of all the expertise.

Also IMO the screenplays on SS are a joint effort between the writers and the posters. Well done guys.

Regards Alex

Here are some minor notes I took along the new read Alex:

Names Curtis  --Should be name's

Billy turns his head and looks into the darkness across the road.
BILLY What’s across the road?
CURTIS A cemetery

Right here...you should show him SEE the cemetery instead of looking across the road and then rehashing it again in dialogue. I'm a big fan of less dialogue is better ….especially in a short.

Deep in thought, Billy nervously bites his nails

Right here...you don't need deep in tought and nervously bites his nails. All you have to say is Billy bites his nails. We all know that biting nails is a sign of nervousness. I'm guilty of using too many words that often say the same thing...so this is one of those sentences that can be trimmed and still show everything you wanted to show.

Lets head that way. Should be “let's”

Now as far as the twist at the end...I was confused why it'd be his Dad. I think it was fine with him just being a ghost. That was a big enough twist for me. If you go the angle Dad thing, you need to state something early on that's more understandable ...cuz he doesn't recognize his Dad and that seemed weird. I dunno...I think the twist before was good enough.

Some of your dialogue you may have to work on a tad...read it out loud to someone else and make sure it sounds like it would the way people speak.

I love the little story. It's cute. It would be super low budget to film(I think).

Thanks PY,

I am between a rock and a hard place with respect to Anthony being his dad. Previous posts stated that the ghost part was predictable so I thought it may not have been enough.

Maybe I'll rethink it.

It will be a low budget film and I think it will be effective, I had a producer keen though the changed their mind and decided to do a 4-5 page script instead. Easy come easy go. Hee Hee

Thanks for the read.

Alex

Hey Alex,

I stand by what I originally said in my email to you about this one... I like it. Personally, I see nothing unrealistic about a couple of teenagers playing a version of 'Hide-and-Seek' for a little extra money. It's certainly something I wouldn't hesitate to do for a little extra cash.

As for your writing, some huge improvements since the first script of yours I read. I still think some of your dialogue needs work, especially that opening scene with Curtis and Billy. For me, it's just a tad un-natural. Dialogue is a tricky thing and we all have problems from time-to-time.

The new twist you've added definitely adds a little more to the story. I just think that maybe Billy may have recognized the cemetry that his father was buried in before going in. Maybe his parents didn't get along, so he never knew where his dad was buried or something along those lines. A little more back-story could improve that hole in the plot.

Otherwise, some great work. Seeing some very promising stuff from you. Good to see you taking on board the feedback you have been receiving. I feel like I can review any script of yours, knowing it wont go to waste.

Let me know if you need anything else...

Daniel

Read it... Much better.  Your writting has come up a smidge -- but your still missing a chance to bring your characters to life by adding more personality.  Smart charcters speak from the hip... Not the fingertip.

Pm me... I wanna give you a few tips you have to pay an arm and leg for when it comes to dialouge, scene structure and word usage -- You'll thank me on your next script if you follow the advice.

Thanks Dan,

When you get bombarded with different opinions it is always hard to decide what path you take, I am going to do a full read and see what I change with the screenplay.

Definetely the dialouge needs work as this is currently my weakest area.

The story line I believe is good though it does leave a few unanswered questions at the end. Should these questions be answered or remain buried? Parden the pun. Not sure !!!!

How would he recognise his dad !!! Especially since he never met him and all the photos may have been around the time his dad died and not at Billy's age.
If Anthony  was 39 and playing the game then it would be strange, so he does have to be Billy's age.

Thanks Dan for the read and advice, your the Man !!!!!

Regards Alex

Quoted from Alex_212 How would he recognise his dad !!! Especially since he never met him and all the photos may have been around the time his dad died and not at Billy's age. If Anthony  was 39 and playing the game then it would be strange, so he does have to be Billy's age.

Fair enough. I can see why he didn't recognise his dad, but what about his burial spot? Has he never visited it before? I don't know, it just seems to me that he'd recognise the place that he's in, unless of course, his mother never took him there... At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. I'm just being a little too picky to be honest.

Still a solid effort, mate

Thanks Dan

I did think of this though maybe Billy never went to the cemetery with his mum ???

You are right it probably doesn't matter and has no impact on the story.

I will follow my avatar and keep banging my head.

Regards Alex

Quoted from Alex_212 I will follow my avatar and keep banging my head. Regards Alex

Try not to damage that creative brain

I will PM you some very useful stuff you're not gonna find in a book for sale or on a website -- But I wanted to establish a few things here first.  What I'm going to address for you here will help you understand what I'm going to tell you later though...

The entire 1st scene isn't playing out to your advantage... In turn, the readers advantage.  I'm not telling you this will never be made into a short -- It very well could tomorrow, should the right person stumble upon it.

What I'm trying to do is help you down the road, and you'll understand that.

1.  Your 1st scene is trash... Don't even bother.

Something I want you to do.  Go back and read that 1st scene for me... Page one to page 3.  Do it.

Finished yet.........?  Now delete it.  What you must be asking.  Why?  Right?  Here's why.  Because it's worthless to your story as it is.   Not only that, it can be said much more subtly throughout the story...

You have to remember, Alex, this is a "SHORT" -- We have very little time to get things established on off the ground.

I'm going to do a quick run through of what you should do -- It's not gonna be buttoned up and beautiful, but it'll give you an idea/option.  I'm not going to describe these characters for you, that's your job -- But it needs to be done.

---
EXT. CURTIS' HOUSE - NIGHT
A sedan spits and sputters into the driveway.  BILLY CARDER, 18, steps out and approaches a small group.

CURTIS,19, stands in the drive, a fistful of laser pens in his hand and a clipboard in the other -- STEVE, 16, and ROGER,18, loom behind him.

CURTIS
(to billy)
Didn't think you'd show -- Billy, this is Steve and this slop dong here's Roger.

Billy offers his hand to the two.  Steve returns the gesture, Roger nods.

ROGER
Sup, dude?

STEVE
You nervous yet?  You look a little nervous.

BILLY
Sort of, I guess.  Hey, who do I give this to?

He pulls a twenty from his jacket pocket.

CURTIS
That'd be me.

He takes the money and gives Billy one of the laser pens.

BILLY
Should I be nervous?

ROGER
Only if you're a puss like Steve here.  See, game's across the street and little stevie doesn't like it over there.

Billy turns his head, squints into the darkness.

BILLY
What's across the street?

CURTIS
Splinters Mound...

BILLY
What's Splinters Mound?

STEVE
A cemetery... A scary ass one, too.

BILLY
shit, are we allowed over there at night?

CURTIS
We do this all the time, man.  It'll be cool

Billy contemplates and chews on his nail with a nervous tinge.
---

With this, you are now free to pepper the rest of your script with "SUBTLE" and I mean "SUBTLE" back story... This, again, is a short -- Don't overdue it.  We are in, we are set... we will know the rules as it goes.  Do not over explain and make sure you get us out as fast as you got us in.

If I were to write this story, I'd have it done in 8 pages flat... Maybe even seven.

Anyways, I'll give you a PM in a bit.  But remember, this is a story... Story's unfold onto you -- They do not unload onto you.

ok, it's a funny one. The writing style's really easy to get into, makes for pleasant reading. And the premise is sound, a nice little short thriller stylee without overcooking the complications...

...but (lol) ... yeah, I can see why previous posters have been puzzled. I'd describe it as a lack of flavour - there's a good idea, and you've worked hard to get the plot structure right but sacrificed a little bit of bite in the unique details. At the moment, character motivations are an issue (eg "go in there we'll start in ten" ... "ok" ) but it's more the way they speak than what they say - I guess what Baltis was saying. We need to believe them as people... quick examples - Curtis might always talk over Billy, force of personality stuff (so there' d be lots of Billy's objections being unterrupted and talked over the top of) or he might be a wheedler who gets Billy to go along just to shut him up. Dunno - I'm worse than anyone at this sort of stuff... hope you know what I mean.

I don't think it'll a problem at all to the final piece because it definitely has a unity of purpose right through, so if I was going to suggest anything it'd be to go back over each scene and describe/have characters say the same stuff, but in a snappier way.

edit - just read the above post (was looking at baltis ' original) and yes, I'd agree. It could do with condensing into the essentials.. but this will force you to speed up explaining character and plot, which will really sharpen them up naturally..