Alex,

You asked for another read. I am away at the moment so the notes I can take are a touch random.

Quite a few characters for the first para - if we are to follow one make his description more powerful.

Steve - I think all that line needed was, "Nervous?" nothing more, would have performed the same task
P2 extra comma after a full stop
Steve - re Ross. Now this line could be a joke or serious. Maybe one to clarify ie with chuckle. A wry smile etc
Like the name Mable town
One option as they go into the cemetery would be to use a mini slug;

As a another car pulls up the three boys cross the street into--

THE CEMETERY

--etc etc

Slightly more dynamic and connected

P3 instead of "A petrified Billy etc, since you have already described him in the line above, why not just start with "Petrified, he etc etc

P4 again as the scene is continuous better use a mini slug, like above for entering--

THE MAUSOLEUM

Anthony - could do with more reason to buddy up. I would also say at this point you took a lot of the rules away, since there was too much of that before, but to a new reader you may take taken too much.

Much prefer the ending, powerful twist etc however, it would work better if we knew he didn't have a dad, or the suggestion he looks after himself. To suddenly find your dads grave, just like that, could do with some foreshadowing.

All the best.

Thanks RD,

Some good points here, especially more info about his dad, this was in the first scene that I removed so may need to add some extra dialogue for it. Tks.

I did take the rules away and though the viewer will catch on as the film proceeds, I only kept the part RE the mausoleum as I felt it needed to be said.

Glad you liked the proposed name.

Alex

Alex, I prefer the title Marble Town.

The beginning is much better, the original always seemed a bit awkward.  This makes it a bit more of a mystery, although the dad ending is little out of the blue now.  I think before you had Billy saying his parents were dead?  I prefer this draft but maybe Anthony needs a bit more to him.  Maybe have him banter with Billy, now too long but just some personal questions that maybe Billy finds uncomfortable.  Then when he finds out Anthony is his dad, his interest would be clear.  Dunno, just a thought.

Getting better with every draft, Alex.  Nice work.

Thanks Anthony

I was thinking the same, I have added a couple of dialouge lines to cover Billy's past so it is clear that his dad has passed.

Glad you like the name as I feel it gives it a bit more mystery as well, the name alone makes me feel like I want to read it to see what Marble Town is.

I have also updated the title page to read Marble Town though the thread title remains unchanged FTM.

Thanks for the read.

Alex

Hey Alex,

As requested, gave this another read. I'm glad you got rid of that opening which felt so forced. My only problem with your opening now is that it literally reads word for word on what Baltis had in his feedback for you...no drama's I guess. I would have liked to see you take that valuable advice and put your own spin on it, this reads like a copy and paste job which somebody else wrote at the moment. Sorry but it does. And the line about his dad was on the nose for me, I know you had to get this in somehow but it comes out of the blue and hints at the ending.

The dialogue although better also feels somewhat different at times, it felt American but then an odd word like "arse" or "tenner" would throw me in the direction of British. Maybe I'm over thinking things again.

It's good that you've cut some of the fat and made it shorter, it works better for it but on the whole not a lot happens and there never is really any tension in Billy's situation. He's scared and petrified but why? Is it the cemetery? Being hit with a laser? Also because some of the opening is missed we can't identify why he's doing this anymore, before it was money but now it's a mystery...he states to Anthony that all he wants to do is go home so you have to ask why he went in the first place?

Why does he have to be a wuss, can't he just be a competitive sod who wants to win this game and that's why he wants to team-up.

And the ending still doesn't work for me I'm afraid, for starters I still don't believe that you can immediately think it's your dad because I'm sure there are lots of Anthony Carder's out there but maybe I'm being picky on that one so I'll let it slide. Why wouldn't Billy know where his father is buried? Marble Town is a pretty unique name for a cemetery...I'd remember it. Why is the grave open if someone has been buried there since 1995? In fact why is it empty altogether? I think Billy and the crew should be worried if its empty because that means there is a zombie Anthony out there.

And the yelling, well I didn't like because it comes off comedic to me. It's supposed to be emotional so keep it that way. I'll throw something out, see what you think. Instead of saying anything, have Billy look at the grave but don't show us it yet, he drops to his knees staring at the grave, confused. Curtis picks up the flashlight and points it at the gravestone afterwards revealing the name and that's your final image right there...for me that would work a lot better. The reader should get it by the name hopefully...sometimes it's better to leave the audience to figure it out.

The writing is pretty solid although I think you use names too much in your action and the wrylies, well you know my thoughts on them.

Also watch out for repetitive word use in the same sentence, I only saw it once but it jumped out at me for some reason.

And check out your software, this dropbox looks really weird. Paragraphs sometimes look aligned wrong and the spacing of words change constantly...maybe this on my end as it's the work computer so not the best?

It's better but still has some issues which need to be resolved but this only my opinion.

Hope this helps buddy.

Hey Alex,

I gave this another read, as you requested.

The writing is solid. Your time on SS has paid off, when it comes to cleaning up that writing. I couldn't fault it, there.

Unfortunately, I don't think the changes you made at the start of the script really work that well yet, but they can with maybe one added line. I think it's a more confusing draft, mainly because you never explain what the teens are actually doing in the cemetery. It's all left for us to assume that they're playing a game of hide-and-seek. Having read this script a few times, I know what's going on, but the chances of a new reader picking this up and understanding what exactly is going on are quite slim. From what I remember, in the original draft, you had Curtis explain what the game is about, but we don't get that here. We also don't get an explanation of what they're playing for (e.g. the money). Maybe an added line, where Curtis reiterates the rules before Billy enters the cemetery?? Hope that made sense. Let me know if it didn't.

while reading this draft, I was able to pick up on something else, that has always been there but has only just started to not make sense. Here is an excerpt from page 6...

"Billy high fives Anthony then they take cover.

An angry Mark walks towards Billy, clenches his fist and makes a punching motion at Billy."

- I've always assumed that Anthony is a ghost that only Billy could see. So, surely when Billy high fives Anthony, Mark would only see a weirdo high fiving mid-air?

Don't get me wrong, Alex. The writing is good. I just think the story hasn't come together, just yet.

Cheers. Keep working at it

Dan

Hey Alex,

Read this as asked. This is tighter.

However, I think your focus in keeping this a 9 page short is hurting your story. This could be at least 20 pages. Break the confines and develop the story.  Give us more info about Billy and his family and then get us in the cemetery. I think it will give the ending a stronger impact.

Some stuff I noticed:

When Billy meets Anthony, wouldn't Billy try to laser him? They're in the game.

Also, like Coop, wouldn't Billy know the cemetery and it's significance?  

Also, i think the characters should be teenagers 13-17. Anything above is pushing it. It's like, would a college student be doing this? Maybe a frat initiation?

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Hey Alex - Just read the new version. Why did you change the name to Marble City? I liked the title Night Games. One thing, you obviously want to have a twist at the end with Anthony being discovered that he's the ghost dad of Billy. It still doesn't work for me because I agree with Coop in that I would think that Billy would have known that his dad was buried there. Also I would think that Billy would recogonize his dad even though he was 18. Maybe through old pictures his mother had or maybe Billy looks like his dad. If you're looking for a twist maybe consider Billy having to meet Curtis at Marble City, waiting for him. Teenagers approach Billy asking if he's here for the game. Billy plays a simple game of hide and seek or something else. Towards the end of the game maybe Curtis shows up and Billy says your too late I already won the game and Curtis could say that the game hasn't started yet. That's maybe when Billy looks closer to the tombstones and realizes he was playing with ghosts. Just a thought. Either way I enjoy your short stories. Best of luck- Dirk

I read this and I liked it, for the most part. It has a wholesome quality or ambiance to it--like American Graffiti. However, the ending was too trivial.

Warning-Spoiler--Warning Spoiler

Ghost dad helping his son win a few bucks lacks gravitas. It would have been better if he had helped his son accomplish something significant, meaningful--win the love of his life or pay off the mortgage on the family home, etc.

Best regards
rmaze

PS Night Games > Marble City

Hi all,

Just to let you know the thread has been updated and the name change from Night Games to Marble Town is now official. Thanks Don for updating the thread.

I feel the name does work better.

Alex