Bill,
Wow! This is incredibly dense with emotion for just a single page, great work man. That's something to be proud of, your clearly a very talented writer. Shorts can be difficult, let alone a single page but this is great!

Thanks for the reads;

Brett - as ever I'm grateful for your read. Shame I can't return the favour more often. I appreciate you have to keep things offline these days because of your work, but if you have anything you wished reviewed then PM me.

BCurt - thank you and kind words.

The one pager is interesting because it really focuses the mind on every word, action , as it always should be, but this time there is the extra discipline of page length.

Hey Bill - Great job. Well written. It's a story anyone can relate to who has ever lost a loved one. This is the second story I've read of yours. Your very talented and best of luck with future scripts.

     P.S. Yes my name is Dirk. lol. The name became somewhat cool when Boogie Nights came out, before that pure hell. Peace.

Hey Bill - great to see some more of your work.

You really do emotional impact well, don't you? Maybe you need to tell us something? You get to the (emotional) heart of things in an instant.

I didn't totally figure DV44's post. I thought it was about a daughter he lost when his car sunk?

The only thoughts I had were in regard to the title ... Alone, but he's there with his dog. I wasn't 100% sure on the use of the dog -- if he'd not had the dog then he'd have actually been alone -- but then that brought me back to DV44's post -- did he lose a dog or a daughter?

And after that the final line -- he says 'Tell Mummy I miss her' - which I felt meant he was talking on behalf of the his daughter (not his dog), but even so, it felt slightly at odds with what had gone before.

So a couple of minor question marks here and there, but even so, this is impressive and well packed for a one pager - a really good read.

Simon

Thanks Simon,

SPOILERS

The simple back story to this, as figured out in my head, is that the man lost his wife and daughter in a car crash, one winter, probably 3-5 years before, when it slipped on an icy patch.

We can only pick up parts but what we get is;

His remembrance of icy as something different and meaningful
He wasn't able to rescue his daughter - I never envisaged him being there but that could have happened
It was in his wife's car

Initially he is focused on talking to his daughter as its her birthday but almost that now he has his daughter in conversation he sends another message.

Title - what I wanted to do is start readers off with an image of him alone, and that appears the reason for the title, but by the end we realise the title relates to the fact that he has been totally left alone by the accident and that's how his life is now, or we presume so.

The dog was introduced for two reasons;

It allowed some misdirection at first, readers think he is speaking to the dog.
But also, it is an emblem of a child replacement, the fact he has a small dog plays on his loneliness

A reader on MP commented that they didn't know why the dog worked well with the  script but it suited it well. I suppose that's how I feel. Without it, the dialgoue seems more obvious the symbolism less subtle.

Thanks as ever.

Well done, Bill - this is very effective, and surprisingly powerful for a one-pager. It's both touching and moving, something that most struggle to convey in ten times the page count.

Right -- I didn't click-on to there being a wife and a daughter - makes perfect sense now.

I can see how the misdirection works with the dog -- it's good to have a script that doesn't look for the obvious and still works so well.

Wish you the best of luck with this - it'd be great to see it filmed.

Simon

Hey Steve,

Thanks for the read, glad it worked for you.

Simon, yeah it would be nice to have this filmed. Indeed, I have tried to focus on writing scripts that are more likely to be filmed, but as we all know it takes time.

Cheers

Hey Bill

Very well wrote as expected from Liverpool fans

IMO I would leave out "It's empty" and just keep "they're all alone"....  Your basically saying the same thing twice.

Very sentimental for only 1 page..... In the words of De Niro in Analyse this "You...You've gotta gift"

Mark

Hey Mark,

Thanks for the read.

You raise a by good question on whether there is a difference between;

It's empty - they're all alone

Versus
L
They're all alone

I like challenging how something is written, always looking to tighten it, so I had a look at this. I can see your point...yet...when thinking about it I feel they are different.

One aspect of the script was to use the setting, a wind swept beach to mirrored his life, empty, as we understand it. So you are right he is alone but he has also been left in an empty world. He could have been alone in a car for example, but this would convey a different feel, i think. This since of isolation I think is well envisaged by a wind swept beach with nothing there so, after my ramble, I feel an extra aspect is conveyed with this small addition.

I hope this doesn't sound defensive, I do hate it when writers don't listen to feedback, but rather an explanation of the useful debate you made me have.

Cheers

PS 3-0 WBA, oh no, then almost take City. Sounds like a usual year of ups and downs.

For me... i thought "they're alone "captured the sentiment you were going for.
It not only states that he is alone on the beach but also in life

Mark

On a happy note we got rid of the dead wood... adams spearing amd carroll and got  a few good buys in return...rodgers takez no crap from underperforming players.. what else would you expect from.an Irishman  

Mark

Sorry for not replying - a busy day travelling with the kids back from holiday. Fun, fun, fun...

Otherwise, thanks for bringing this up and i understand what you say - its useful to reflect on each word to make sure they add, not just to me but the reader. just goes to show we need to check everything is required.

cheers

Bill,

Alone was sweet. I can't think of anything negative to say, which is good, and also surprising. For a one pager it was especially nice (a compliment that's slightly condescending, thus filling my negative feedback quota).

• "Jim removes a backpack and sits down." Sits down where? If it's on the floor then I guess it's written okay, but if there's a bench of some kind it could be clearer.
  
• "Summer" shouldn't be capitalized.
  
• "cold and...icy." This is a personal gripe, but I generally don't use ellipses except to indicate lingering speech. It's not a problem per se, it merely never sits right with me when I read it in other people's scripts. It seems forced to add dramatic effect to a certain extent.
  
• Was the cupcake in a container, or does he prefer his baked goods smushed?
  
• "could I...Princess?" Take these ellipses for instance. When I read this line I imagined him saying, "could I," then melodramatically turning to the camera with one eyebrow up concluding, "Princess?" Could just be me though.
  
• "he removes a small Teddy bear from a pocket." You could specify whether the pocket was of his pants or of the backpack.
  
• "Tell Mummy...I miss her." Those darn ellipses.
  

Like I said, good story. Like everyone else said, packed moving emotional credence in one page, a feat some shiver at the thought of.

I agree with others, this is well written. I would like to see a few more pages. It's much here and I'm not sure if that's good thing or bad. How do you create plot in a one page story? You forgo it for emotion, I guess.

Solid read.

BLB

Thanks Tendai for the read.

Quoted from tendai_moyo [*] "Jim removes a backpack and sits down." Sits down where?

on the rock

Quoted from tendai_moyo [*] "cold and...icy." This is a personal gripe, but I generally don't use ellipses except to indicate lingering speech. It's not a problem per se, it merely never sits right with me when I read it in other people's scripts. It seems forced to add dramatic effect to a certain extent.

I agree that these can be over used, but also when used properly can be effective. Here i use it for a specific reason, which i hope works. Namely, Jim is speaking about winter in general which triggers a memory, as it happens the memory of his wife's car crash caused by ice. Now we don't know all that but the pause, the change of tone - which i hope an actor would apply - lets us see that something of meaning has emerged. Without the break, they run into each other like a list.

Quoted from tendai_moyo [*] "could I...Princess?" Take these ellipses for instance. When I read this line I imagined him saying, "could I," then melodramatically turning to the camera with one eyebrow up concluding, "Princess?" Could just be me though. [*] "Tell Mummy...I miss her." Those darn ellipses. Like I said, good story. Like everyone else said, packed moving emotional credence in one page, a feat some shiver at the thought of.

Now with these ellipses there is less meaning more, emotion and reflection. Perhaps not essential, but i would argue that if you are trying to convey meaning an emotion to a reader, before it arrives in the hands of a actor, a few of these don't hurt.

Glad you enjoyed.