Hey BLB,

Thanks for read, glad you enjoyed.

yeah, this was written, surprise, surprise, for a one page competition, so space was limited. Indeed, the one page limit is quite a challenge. Some try to play out a whole story others a simple scene.

thanks for the read. do you have anything on the boards for me to return the favour?

cheers

Bill,
Nice one page story.  I understood that the daughter died and the father feels regret.  I also understand that the mother/wife is dead also.  I know it was in "Mummy's car", so does that mean they both died in the car at the same time?  That is what I was thinking when I read it.  Good job on this.

Hello Jeremiah,

First off, welcome to SS. Good to see a new face reading and reviewing. If you have any questions on the site feel free to ask, or PM me. I trust you have found the Portal button, makes getting around easier.

Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson Bill, Nice one page story.  I understood that the daughter died and the father feels regret.  I also understand that the mother/wife is dead also.  I know it was in "Mummy's car", so does that mean they both died in the car at the same time?  That is what I was thinking when I read it.  Good job on this.

yup, pretty much summed it up. Both died together, we don't know if he was there for not (in my head he wasn't, adds to sense in powerless) and he is subsequently trapped in this world all, Alone.

cheers

bill

Glad you enjoyed.

Portal Button?????  Nope.  New to me.  I will check it out.  I like the fact that you were challenged to keep your entire story to one page.  I continue to work on writing, and that might be fun to see if I can do something like that.  My hat (virtual) is off to you on this.

The portal button is a the top of the discussion board page? It shows a list of all the latest posts so you can see what's active. Naturally, things drop off the portal but it's what most of us will look at first.

In terms of one page scripts you may wish to check out moviepoet.com they have a one page competition every year. I think this years was called "less of more" and there were 50 scripts of varying standard.

Indeed, if you are wishing to learn, as well as SS (the best site for learning) MP has a lot of short scripts that are easy to read and useful when trying to improve. Few of the MP scripts make it across to SS. Alone was an MP script but my recent one which did quite well,  i don't think i will post here.

Feel free to ask anything else.

Hey Bill.

I'm sorry to say, but I figured out the ending on page 1.

HA HA!  :-)  I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself.

Yeah, a pretty emotional one-pager you have here.  No reason to say much more about it except you did a great job at pulling on the heart strings in such a limited space.  Now let me go give my daughter a hug and tell her she's not going with her mom to the lake today.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Hey Bill. I'm sorry to say, but I figured out the ending on page 1. HA HA!    I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself. Yeah, a pretty emotional one-pager you have here.  No reason to say much more about it except you did a great job at pulling on the heart strings in such a limited space.  Now let me go give my daughter a hug and tell her she's not going with her mom to the lake today. - Mark

Hey Mark, thanks for the read. Probably just as well it wasn't longer, too much to handle.  

cheers

Hey Reefy man, I saw this was your latest so I decided to give it a read first.  A 1 pager is a hard task.  I have read a couple - they aren’t the best.  You need to accomplish something in that one page.  Considering the length of the short, I don’t have an extended review, but I’m going to say you accomplished one thing:  I was moved to tears.  Maybe it’s just me, maybe everyone else thinks this short sucks the big fat one, but you touched one person.  Sometimes, I think that’s all that count.  I’m going to read the other reviews after I check out your other stuff.

Bill, nothing to contribute here by me that hasn't already been said by others, except that I think you provided more plot and emotion in this one pager than some others manage to accomplish in 5 pages, so cheers for that!

Gary

Hey Reaper and Gary

I really appreciate the reads and glad you both liked it.

I was pleased with the result and I hope this will be filmed. Currently there are several producers around the world hoping to film this but until its done, my expectation are low.

Cheers

Bill

Bill

A sombre but heartfelt piece for a 1 pager.

Not much to say in regards the writing, very smooth.

After watching Take Shelter again not so long ago I was half expecting a tidal wave to emerge on the sea’s horizon since you started out with the line “A grey sky looms above a “disturbed sea” obviously I was jumping the gun a little in the apocalypse department! Instead, this was a simple and respectful snapshot of remembrance for a grieving father, delicately judged.

Now some back story please!

Col.

Hey Col

Thanks for digging this up. Who can resist a one page script?

I enjoy the one page challenge, it really makes you focus, but as you say it inevitable is a little light on back story. Movie Poet have a one page competition coming up which I intend to enter - this was last years entry.

This was also a shameless stab at a script that should be relatively cheap and easy to film, although some have made the point that the dog adds a complication to filming - time will tell.

All the best.

Grammar is off in a couple of places and it doesn't tell a story. Man sits on beach, we find out he's eating a cupcake in honour of his family's death in a car accident. The end.

OK, I'll get onto what I believe are errors:

Code JIM, 45, gaunt face, thick coat, strides purposefully across the sand up to a large rock, as if he has done this before.

The above sentence should read ... as though he has done this before.

Code After a deep sigh, he carries on and produces a small candle for the cake.

He carries on?

Code After a deep sigh, he carries on and produces a small candle for the cake. With the other hand, he removes a small Teddy bear from a pocket and tenderly places it to his chest.

You should reword all of this. With the other hand, doesn't sound too clever. I think all of this could be said in one sentence.

Code His focus lingers on the horizon, miles away.

You should consider rewording the above. I've never known a horizon to be at one's feet. Unless you mean he's mentally miles away? His focus lingers, is also quite bad.

Code Jim lifts up the cake, forces a smile.

I'm not convinced that he would need to force a smile. In a genuine memory for his daughter, the smile would be real. May be tearful too, but that's how emotions work. Up and down, up and down.

Code JIM Tell Mummy...I miss her.

So he doesn't really care about his wife then? He's talking to his dead daughter as though she is there... yet his wife isn't significant enough to count. Does he really miss her or is he just being sarcastic?

first one pager I've ever read, nice job is all I can say really.

Get rid of the WGA number itself on title page.

Michael

Thanks Dustin and Tricky for the reads.

One pagers are not everyone's cup of tea but I rather like them. A story in ne page is a good challenge. They also appeal, if low budget, to amateur producers. I've lost count of the amount of requests to film this script but I haven't seen one finished yet, as is often the way.

Tricky - re WGA number, yeah I've started removing the numbers from other scripts but left this one for no real reason. With a one pager I'm less worried I about presentation I suppose, but I take the point.

Dustin - it's funny how we all read things in different ways. I was surprised that you thought he didn't care about his wife. The reason he primarily addresses his daughter is that it's her birthday, the purpose for him visiting the beach, yet whilst he is "in conversation" with the child he uses this chance to send a message, which not only illustrates his desire to speak but its the first time we realise that he lost both at the same time and he is truly...alone. If only I had that extra page!

Cheers folks