Hi Daniel

I've been absent from these forums for a while so I've just picked your script at random to review. Also, I have not read any of the feedback that has been given so far therefore if I am reiterating anything that has been said already, I apologise.

Firstly, the script was well written in the sense that your descriptive sequences were good, and you seemed to capture the scenes perfectly. I could vividly picture the characters in their respective backdrops, which I applaud you for. So many scripts I have read don't do this well.

Now for just a couple of suggestions. I noticed there were certain elements that were on the nose in the script. By that I mean I felt like things were being shown to the reader which were pretty obvious were actually occurring. For instance, you have one piece of dialogue from Fred. He says:

FRED
You put me in a wheel-chair!

I think when Rocky enters the room, there could be a more imaginative way to show this to us rather than tell. I feel like you have something strong in Fred playing out what he could have done before the accident in the computer game and this could be made stronger. We can already tell what has happened and a nod rather than a piece of dialogue could prove a lot better.

I also feel like throughout the script, there are no surprises. As soon as Rocky drives up to the house with his damaged car, I can immediately tell he has been involved in a car accident, and I could pretty much predict the rest of the script that followed. Unfortunately I can't suggest anything to change this but it was just my initial response when reading.

I did however find your closing sequence quite poignant which was probably my favourite part of the script. When the two characters both say sorry, it resonated with me.

One final point I would like to add is the fact Fred actually slits his wrists. To be honest, I feel like it would be more effective if it was the other way around and Rocky was the one doing this. Rocky committing suicide in my opinion could carry the story more and possibly show that he is truly sorry for what he did.

To conclude, an enjoyable read and keep up the good work.

Cheers

Robert

Hey Robert,

Welcome back to the boards

You actually haven't reiterated any of the points made. Instead, you've raised some new points which is always great to see.

Quoted from RobertSpence I think when Rocky enters the room, there could be a more imaginative way to show this to us rather than tell. I feel like you have something strong in Fred playing out what he could have done before the accident in the computer game and this could be made stronger. We can already tell what has happened and a nod rather than a piece of dialogue could prove a lot better.

I see what you're saying. I remember adding a few guilty glances to subtly hint it, but maybe it wasn't enough?

Don't worry about the car at the start. It's going to be taken out in the next draft, so the script probably wont be as predictable. Sorry you could predict the ending. I did try and establish some sense of mystery, but I guess it can only work for some. I'll try and hint a little less in the next draft

Quoted from RobertSpence I did however find your closing sequence quite poignant which was probably my favourite part of the script. When the two characters both say sorry, it resonated with me.

Great to see that last scene working for people. It was quite difficult to write, without knowing if people would like it, or not.

Quoted from RobertSpence One final point I would like to add is the fact Fred actually slits his wrists.

Ah, but does he actually slit his wrists? I deliberately had Mrs. Hind's screams in black to spark some thought on the topic. Does Fred end his life, or does Mrs. Hind catch him just before he does it? That part is up for your own interpretation.

Great to see you enjoying this and thanks for the read. If I can ever return the favour, just let me know

Dan

Hi Daniel

I get what you are saying with regards to the ambiguity of the ending. Good to see you're collating all of the feedback for the redraft. I'm sure it will be a lot better.

Regarding my work, I've just finished my Masters in Screenwriting so I've just submitted a little short I did on the course for Don to put up. It's called Reservoir Pups. Due to the course being over now, I've got a lot more time to give feedback so I'll have a browse through some of your other work when I have a chance.

Cheers

Robert

Quoted from RobertSpence Regarding my work, I've just finished my Masters in Screenwriting so I've just submitted a little short I did on the course for Don to put up. It's called Reservoir Pups.

Sure, I'll take a look when it comes out. Looking forward to returning the favour

Dan

Dan,

Read this a couple of days ago, but didn't have time to comment. I like what you're shooting for here, but I thought the delivery could be better. Half way through we know that Rocky was responsible for Fred's condition (which, btw, I found it funny that Rocky was driving again already). The script kind of meanders after that point trying to drive home the suffering of these two characters.

I think it would have more impact if you could keep the mystery going of what happened until the end. The last two scenes could be Fred sitting in his wheelchair and Rocky standing at the end of an empty finish line, but everything should build towards that scene and keep the audience guessing, what happened here?

I think if you used the track scene as bookends it would work nicely. Rocky timing Fred in the beginning and then standing there alone at the end. Maybe use the ticking of the stopwatch throughout. Sprinkle some hints... take us to the party maybe, put us in the car just before the accident...

It's just a suggestion, but I think it would intensify the impact of the story which I think you're trying to drive home here. Hope this helps some, good luck with the filming.

James

Hey James, thanks for giving this a read and providing some awesome feedback.

I agree with you that the delivery isn't quite there yet. As we are shooting next weekend, I'm going to be punching a re-write out of this sometime this week.

I like your suggestion with building this one a little more and I'll definitely consider it.

As for the car and party scene. There are two reasons that I probably wont be adding those into the next draft. The first is, I need to keep it simple and having more than the three lead actors isn't keeping it simple. The car scene really comes down to my lack of experience with directing lol. Remember, this is my first film (other than one music video) so I just want to get something that's simple, but still effective.

But who knows? I may write a third draft of this, where I take your suggestions on board and try and get some other producers to film this. That certainly is a thought that's on my mind.

Thanks James, I appreciate the time

Dan

Enjoyed this. Juxtaposing their respective situations was nice when you consider it's done with our finding out they're actually in the same place emotionally - so not so different after all.

The issue with the mother was not such a big problem for me. It depends on how an actor would take on her role. Ostensibly she's friendly but the delivery could invert the writing. To make her a big standard angry mother would be a mistake. It's just too obvious.

Agree with James that this would benefit from adding more suspense - as it's obvious from the point we seen him in the wheelchair (nicely done with the game, btw) - but it's a fundamental change that involves a major rewrite.

Not a fan of playing Fred out as an asshole. In Born On The Fourth of July, Cruise is kinda of an assehole, but it's played out after we see him in his true personality at the beginning - you don't have that luxury, so to intentionally make him unsypathetic is not an angle to pursue, IMO. That said, he didn't come across as so much an asshole as a man at the end of his tether.

Hey Andrew, thanks for the feedback

I'll do whatever I can to add more suspense to this in the next re-write. It's just a matter of fitting everything into the right place, now. The last time I re-wrote, I downgraded, which I obviously don't want, this time. I'm working to get this to an even better quality.

Alright, consider it done. Fred wont treat his mother like crap, but as soon as he leaves his attitude will change when speaking to Rocky. I think that's what people aren't liking about Fred at the moment...? Am I right?

Thanks Andrew. Your help and feedback is appreciated. (I say 'appreciate' a lot. Think I need to get hold of a thesaurus )

Dan

Hey Dan

Finished the read.

I like the concept and the emotion your trying to attain here, but I think this can be expanded. I don't see much of a story. This is more like a scene to me. Maybe get Rocky to try to save Fred?  Or, get them to both die? Rocky could be drinking while driving?

There's three issues:

End Flashback - not needed. Delete that and with the new slug, you write (present day).

On pg. 5, Fred watches Fred leave. I think you mean Fred watches Rocky leave.

And, where is Rocky with the unfinished sandwich? The way you have it, Rocky's at Fred's home. I think you might mean that Rocky's at his home. Or even better, why not have Rocky driving?

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Quoted from CoopBazinga ...it might have added more exposition to have him turn up in a taxi or his parents dropping him off.

I agree with Coop.  I'd have him ride a bicycle that's just a little too small for him.  His childhood bike that he hasn't used in years since he got his license.

Overall this was okay.  There's a lot of room for improvement, but you have the basics down, which is more than I can say for a lot of writers out there.

Jordan

Thanks Gabe and Jordan

Gabe: Thanks for the suggestions on how I can take this one further. As I will be filming this myself, I won't be adding anything to the story YET. After I have filmed my own version, I'm going to put this one through a final re-write, so it can be a more effective story.

Sorry if you weren't able to see much of a story in this one. From what I can tell, this one has a varied amount of people who like it, then the people who don't like it.

Jordan: First of all thanks for taking the time with this. I like that touch with a bicycle. Think it would work well with the script.

Quoted from Nomad Overall this was okay.  There's a lot of room for improvement, but you have the basics down, which is more than I can say for a lot of writers out there.

I can appreciate that opinion and it is definitely a valued one. If it's not too much to ask, could you maybe specify on this a bit? I'd like to know what specific parts I can improve on, so I don't keep repeating mistakes.

Cheers, guys

Dan

Hey Dan,

Gave your script a read and you have the basis of a solid story.  Two guys who have their world and friendship shattered by an error in judgment.  I have to agree with what others are saying about certain inconsistencies:  namely Rocky’s car and Fred’s mom and how she is introduced in the story.

If this is the same car Rocky was driving on the day/night of the accident, I would think it would have been totaled.  And it’s true, he shouldn’t be allowed to drive.

How much time would you say has passed between the accident and the beginning of this story?  
I’m thinking, this can’t be the first time Rocky has tried to visit Fred.  Although I think Margaret’s reaction to Rocky needs tweaking, maybe they have made their peace for all those times Rocky “tried to visit Fred” and was turned away — he did try to visit Fred before this day, right?  Especially when his best friend was recovering in the hospital??
If this is maybe the 19th time Rocky has tried to visit Fred, then Margaret might see him as an ally in trying to bring her son out of his funk. Maybe.

I’d like to hear a more intimate conversation between Margaret and Rocky. Something that includes Fred’s state of mind, while advancing the story.  Perhaps Margaret can mention that Fred, “…stopped going to therapy.” Just keep it brief.

Not sure about the video game Fred is watching.  Because he has so much pent-up anger and bitterness, I tend to think the last game he would be playing has to do with sports and a running athlete. Maybe a game with violence and destruction (foreshadowing) that would reflect his feelings.  Perhaps a game that would allow him to vent and punish.

Can you show us more of Fred’s room?  I’d like to see remnants of sports posters on the wall, now torn down. How about having Rocky look at the sports photos, rather than Fred?  It seems melodramatic to have Fred look at the photos and then cry.

A good scene might be Fred asking Rocky to take the trash (his trophies, the photos) to the dumpster on his way out.  That would let us know that Fred’s sports dreams and his friendship with Rocky are over.
I think this is a story about loss.  Fred’s loss is obvious.  Rocky seems not to be grief-stricken so much as melancholy. He longs for the way things were.  Even going back to the track.

This is punctuated by the flashback scene of the running, rather than the car accident.
I agree with Coop that Fred should be from a lower-income family.  If athletics was his dream of a better life, than his loss would be so much more poignant.  That would amp up the drama.

James commented on the running stopwatch in the story.  And bookending the track scenes.  Makes sense and is worth considering.  So that your final act is preceded by the watch stopping on 11.58 — a sad but meaningful conclusion.
Maybe that could be your title, too?

Speaking of time, how about changing that to 10. 58.  That would be a pretty solid 100-meter time for a kid of Fred’s age. Which would give him hope that he could have run under 10 seconds one day and make the Olympic team. — A really good female sprinter in her late teens/early 20s might run 11.58.

Just a minor point:  Although I appreciate the scene of Fred running and Rocky timing him, you might also consider Rocky racing Fred.  Great friendships are often forged by two athletes pushing each other.  Just saying.
Regardless, you have a fine start.  Good luck with your filming.

Abe

Hey Abe, Thanks for taking the time to read this

I think this is the first of my shorts where people have had so many brilliant suggestions that it's hard to work out which ones best suit the script.

The car is being removed entirely. I think he wouldn't be permitted to drive after putting someone in a wheelchair, so I'm going to remove that.

Intimate conversation between Rocky and Margaret? Yup, I like that. Consider it done

As for the video game, I like it. I see your point about it, but I think the fact that it is an athletics game drops a few hints to the audience, which is what I would like to do with this. As it should be, everything is written into this script for a reason and I made sure the video game was specifically an athletics game to show how lost Fred actually is.

You certainly can see more of Fred's bedroom. When I wrote this I wanted to just show the messy side of things, but I do like that idea of the sports posters. Sorry about the melodrama in this one. Think I overdid the crying and tears. Yes, it's supposed to be dramatic, but all I got was a whiny kid. God, he whines!

Fred taking out the 'trash' ... Great suggestion. I'll look into it

Thanks for the feedback Abe. Nothing I appreciate more.

Let me know if I can return the favour.

Dan

Hey Dan,

I'm too lazy to read all the comments on this post, so I hope I don't just echo everything that's been said.  Anyhoo:

Opening paragraph made me think Rocky's car had died.  The way it's written -- the car spluttering to a halt -- gives me an image of the engine slowly coughing its way out, but reading over it again, I think Rocky actually shut it off.

I don't know why Mrs. Hind is so kind to Rocky.  I mean, Rocky took her son's legs away.  It would be tough for me to resist breaking Rocky's kneecaps with a baseball bat, but she seems pleased as punch to see him.  Even a wistful face would make her reaction more realistic.

Page four, you capitalized "it'll" when Fred speaks.  Not sure if you meant "I'll", but just a little nitpick.

On the same page, the big reveal.  I'm torn on how Fred tells us how Rocky crippled him.  On one hand, it's kind of realistic, but on the other, the "you were the designated driver" part takes away a lot of the subtelty for me.  I think since this piece is so short, you could use some more time and space to make the reveal more natural without dragging it out.

Still on page four, I love the italics when Fred says "walk away".  I normally don't like italics in a script because they make the spacing all funky, but it's used so perfectly here; really gets across Fred's seething.

The flashback was good.  I wondered earlier in the piece why Rocky would ask a crippled kid if a sprinting game was "realistic" (ouch), but now I get it.

After that, though, the script kinda went downhill for me.  I respect you tons as a writer, but these last few pages felt like they were trying too hard to jerk tears from my face.  Rocky running, Fred getting the knife.  When they both said "I'm so sorry" in unison, it just didn't work for me, it felt too sentimental.  Then it just kind of ends.

Sorry if I was too harsh with this one.  I still love your work and I think you're a fantastic writer, this just wasn't my favorite of yours.  Keep going, bud!

Gage

Hey Gage,

Thanks for the read and letting me know your thoughts on this one.

Glad you liked the italics. I wasn't actually sure if that properly showed up in the script. Thinking of maybe having that underlined, instead?

I think I went overboard on the melodrama in this one I've been reading over it a lot recently and I really think it's pathetic, really. I know if I wasn't the writer of this I don't think I'd feel sorry for Fred at all. He's a bit of a dick

Everyone has said that Mrs. Hind is too nice to Rocky. That will be changing in the next draft (which will be written today).

No worries about being harsh. Bit of honesty is just what this script needs. Great to see my other works earning me a name around here

Cheers, Gage

Dan

P.S. Grid-Lock is the next on my list of feature lengths. Just so you know