Hey Mark

I enjoyed the story here but some of the dialogue was a little confusing.  Steve mentioned that Etienne's English improves and I noticed this too.

The year setting caught me off guard at first as I thought it was initially a modern piece but soon realised it was set much earlier.  I'm not great on slavery background but am I right in thinking African Americans were simply rounded up and forced in to slavery?  Forgive my ignorance on this.

Anyway, I the story was good and the era you set it in helped make it more interesting.  I also agree that the logline could be better though.

Hey Johnny.

I haven't been able to get online much in the past few weeks, so I'm sorry for the late reply.  But thank you for taking a look at this one.  I'm glad to see you liked it.

Yeah, I didn't really ground this story too much in reality, (usually, my stories are), so I understand what you said about the mythos of the pond being a hard pill to swallow.

Thanks for checking it out.


Hey Bill.

Yeah, this story was a little expository, but it was written for a five page challenge, so dialogue I decided was the easiest way to convey my ideas.

Hmm.  Interesting idea about the girl falling off the horse.  If I decide to come back to this story again, I'll have to take a look at that.

Thanks for taking a read, Bill.

- Mark

Hey Steve.

Sorry the story was a little bland for you.  I admit, this isn't my usual fare.  I really don't like ideas that aren't grounded in real life situations, but I'm trying to expand my imagination at least a little bit.

And yeah, I should've put a super in there to show that it's 1840's Louisianna and not Africa.  I'm kicking myself for it now.

I am glad you liked the little twist in events and what the pond really was, though.

Thanks for taking a read.


Hey Anthony.

Dang it!  I really need to put that super in there!  In the challenge I wrote it for, the time and setting was in the log, so it felt redundant putting it in the script.

Actually, even the logline as it is now, I realize I'm relying on it too much to get my story across without having to explain too much in the script.  I should work on that.

As for the dialogue, I admit I was trying to use my very limited French Creole vocab, which is why I kind of abandoned it with Etienne later on in the script.

But I'm glad you found it to be an interesting idea.

Thanks for taking a look at it!

- Mark

I'm actually a little confused with this one.  You describe the blacks in the script as creole, which says (atleast to me) that they're from Louisiana.  But you have them being rounded up to be sold into slavery here.  Any black people in Louisiana, during the time of slavery, were already slaves (or freed ones).

Even though you described Margaret as seventeen, I kept picturing her as seven or eight.  Why would she be wandering free around the 'savages?'  It would be too dangerous for her.

Your dialog needs to be tightened up.  Conversations went on too long for me.  You could probably trim a page off this piece but cutting back on the chatter.

I don't know if you were trying to imply that Margaret caught AIDS from the water, or just a similar disease, but it was a nice twist in the story, Armand's Revenge or something.  Having her fulfill her Mandingo fantasies, OTOH, didn't work for me.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Hey Mark,

Been meaning to get to this one.
Haven't read any of the other posts.
So forgive me if I repeat some stuff.

Starts out rockin the Alex Hayley vibe, but then goes all Cajun.
Safe to assume this one's situated in Beasts of the Southern Wild territory?
Still, I shouldn't be questioning the setting on page one.

Margaret reads more impetuous child than high society teen.
They matured those little girls fast to marry them off.

I keep waiting for Margaret's father to show up.
Or at least the slavemaster in charge of the group.
I keep wondering why would Margaret even been there.

The words "deficiencies" and "immune" read odd on a slave's lips.
But I'm guessing you chose those anachronistic sounding words for good reason.
Sounds like there's been some monkeys monkeying around in there.

Finished.
I don't get what Margaret did that warranted the punishment she got.
I kept waiting for her to get slap happy or get someone tortured or killed.
But she's just a pretty dolt that didn't really deserve her fate.
What was it about HER? I'd like to understand why.

All Etienne had to do was tell the truth and the story's over.
If she told the truth, then got pimp slapped by Margaret, I can see that working.
But the only reason why Maragaret goes to her fate is cuz Etienne plays coy.

I like the prose, setting and most of the dialogue clicks.
But the motivations left me wanting.

Always good to see new material from you!

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Mark,

Don't remember ever reading anything by you before, so I didn't know what to expect. But you definitely impressed me. Descriptions were clear and dialogue was (for the most part) great, which made for an easy, pleasant read. You can definitely write, man.

Now, onto the script itself. I thought this was a really clever idea. So kudos for that. Now, whilst the idea was great, I did have a slight niggle with how it was executed. Nothing major, and something which can easily be rectified in a future re-draft. My main issue was related to the character's motivation. Why does Armand want revenge so badly? Okay, yes, he is being sold into slavery, but why is he choosing to exert revenge on Margaret? Maybe expand the script slightly, have Armand wronged by Margaret more, make Margaret out to be more evil. Maybe make her slightly older as well, and have her obsessed with her youth? Would make it more believeable that she would believe Armand's ruse about the fountain of year.

I, like others, was also slightly confused initially regarding the setting. This is an example when a super would have done wonders However, as the script went on, I did put two-and-two together.


Some (really) minor issues with descriptions, dialogue, etc.:

I had a tiny issue with Margaret’s first line of dialogue. Her final sentence read a bit awkwardly for me. I personally think it would sound better if it was something like:  “You will show me and my father respect when you speak to us”, or something similar. Very minor issue.

I also had another issue with Margaret’s “my mother has passed” dialogue. Once again, it read slightly awkwardly. Something like “Do not speak of my mother, as she has passed” would read slightly better for me.

Page 3- “Margaret becomes aware of Armand's eyes on her body and she pulls her shoulders back so her chest sticks out more.” I would maybe include something else, such as flicking her hair behind her shoulders seductively, or something of a similar ilk. For me, this would have foreshadowed the final scene better, as it would have directed more attention towards the fact that Margaret finds Armand attractive. As for me, the final scene jumped a little bit out of left-field. Margaret is still someone who she believes is 94 years old though Naughty girl.

Page 4- “Margaret looks at the sweat glisten on his body.” Should that be “the sweat that glistens”? Or, you could cut out “glisten” altogether, and the sentence would read the same.

I also had a tiny issue with Margaret’s final line of dialogue. I pictured this scene happening with her and Armand being pretty close together. Therefore, the “walk to me” line, for me, read a bit weirdly, as I pictured them being close. And plus, Margaret seems like the demanding, controlling type of person, so I imagine she would just straight-up force herself on Armand, versus being slightly more submissive and have Armand walk over to her? As I said though, minor issue.

Overall, this was a great idea. As I said, your writing was awesome as well. If you expand the script slightly, focusing on the character's motivations, you will have something great on your hands here.

Cheers.

Toby.

P.S. Apologies if anything I have written is incoherent: It's late where I am, and I have had 6 hours of mentally gruelling exams and assessments today, so my cognitive capabilities are currently slightly below par!

Hey Phil!

Thanks for taking a look at this.

The Creoles of Color at that time were actually free people, a step above the slaves if I remember correctly, and were actually allowed to own land and even slaves.  But, because I wanted to tell this story quick, I should've worked in that these particular Creole's were more of a fictitious nomadic tribe I created for the story, rather than settling in the colonies like the others when they arrived in the 1780's from France.  That's also why they were more dark-skinned, also.  A few Creoles I know who are originally from New Orleans are very dark-skinned, so it seemed kind of plausible to me when I wrote this.

As a backstory in my head, Margaret's mother has already passed away, (which I did work into the story), and her father is well on his way and he's prepping her to take over the family plantation, (which I didn't work into the story, just the logline, which was a mistake, but I didn't want to extend the story too much.)  While at the time I believe, 17 was well considered to be an adult, I did purposely make her a little immature so she would seem gullible enough to believe Armand's story.  Of course, I didn't want her to seem 7 or 8 years immature, so I'll have to take a look at her dialogue again.

Yep, the pond was supposed to be the initial beginnings of AIDS.  I know the real beginning was supposed to have something to do with monkeys, and I considered having Margaret bathe in the water with monkeys watching her, but thought that'd be too silly.

This is just one I wrote for the fun of it and because the thought was there.  I know it's not even close to being my best, but I really enjoyed it when I came across the script and thought I'd post it in case anybody else might enjoy it.

Thanks again for taking the time to read it and letting me know your thoughts.

Have you written anything new recently?  It's been awhile since I've read one of yours.

- Mark

Hey Brett.

Hmm.  Never seen 'Beasts of the Southern Wild', so I don't know if it's the same territory.  But if it takes place in Louisianna, it probably is the same territory.  But this takes place in the 1840's.  I've actually never seen 'Roots', either, (I had to look up Alex Haley on Wikipedia.  :-)  but I heard it's pretty highly acclaimed, so hopefully the Haley vibe was a compliment.

Yeah, it looks like I have to mature Margaret up a little more.  I know she's young, but I never meant for her to sound that young.  Margaret is the one pretty much in charge there.  It's not said in the story, but her dad's dying and she's taking over the plantation and she's there to watch and learn the ropes a little bit.

Quoted from E.D. But I'm guessing you chose those anachronistic sounding words for good reason. Sounds like there's been some monkeys monkeying around in there.

:-)  Like I mentioned to Phil.  You have no idea how much I wanted to have monkeys watching her while she was in the pond!

Why does Margaret get the punishment?  Well, I agree a disease like that isn't deserved no matter what, but Armand is just really pissed he's getting ripped from his home in this unjust country.  I thought I did have Etienne try to warn her about the pond, but Margaret just ignores her because she's worried about staying forever beautiful.  (Kind of like women and men with their plastic surgeries nowadays.)  I should take a look at that again and try to make that aspect more clear.

Thanks a lot, Brett, for taking the read.  I don't really have any high expectations for this one to get made, (I know periodpiece shorts don't get picked up too often), but I thought it was a fun story that a couple people might get a kick out of.

I'll be seeing you around.

- Mark

Hey Toby.

Thanks for taking a read.  Hope you did good on all your exams.  Good luck with everything.

First of all, thank you for all the compliments.  It's very much appreciated.

Yeah, I agree this one needs to be expanded a tinge for everything to make crystal clear sense.  Maybe expanding it a little more also might make it a little easier to fathom why Armand would do something so cruel to her, and why she was even there in the first place.

Dang it!  I really needed a super in there, didn't I!!?  This was originally written for a competition where the logline stated 'In 1840's New Orleans...'.  So, in the confines of the comp, I didn't really need to state the setting as it was already assumed.  Now that I'm out of the confines of the competition, I didn't go back and make it clear in the story what time and settings we're dealing with.

Yeah, I'll really have to go back and tweak Margaret's dialogue.  She's not coming across to people the way I wanted them to see her.  That's a fail on me and I'll go back and deal with that issue.

Quoted from Toby Margaret is still someone who she believes is 94 years old though  Naughty girl.

Wow.  I never thought about that before.  She is about to seduce someone who she thinks is almost a hundred, isn't she?  That adds a little bit of morbidity to her character I never thought of.  But I like it.  Guess that was a happy accident.

And yeah, I'll have to go back and block that final scene a little better, too.  They're really not standing far apart from each other.  I was just trying to convey that Margaret was on her knees, her mouth equal height to Armand's groin.  I'll take a look at that too.

Thanks again for all your thoughts on this Toby.  I know you said you haven't posted anything on the site for awhile, but if there's anything you want me to check out, just say the word.

And I'll be on the look-out for your feature to hit the boards.  Just send me a little reminder in case I miss it on the portal.

Thanks again, Toby.

Hey Mark,

Well written, nicely paced story. Not much that I can say that others haven't already pointed out to you but one thing I did notice was how Armand and Etienne were free to carry on a conversation with Margaret as they walked along. I would think a guard would interupt the conversation telling the slaves to be quiet.

I loved the twist at the end. Nice little revenge of sorts with an unknowing infected Margaret forcing Armand to sleep with her.

Great job!

- Dirk

Hey Dirk.

Thank you very much for your thoughts.

If I ever expand on this story... (It's not in my plans at the moment.  My stove is full right now, even the backburners, the oven, and that little broiler way underneath that everybody forgets about)... I'll get more into the backstory and make it clear Margaret is actually in charge of the men, as she's taking over the plantation.  I did just want to keep this very brief, so I didn't get into the proper backstory that I should've.

I appreciate the compliments, though.  I had actually forgotten I had written this and when I foundit and read it over again, I really did like the story for some reason, so I threw it up here for anybody who might get a kick out of it.

I've been hard at work on some serious stories lately and I might be posting those ones up soon.  (Hopefully not, though, because that'll mean they got rejected from the director I wrote them for and they didn't place in any contests.)

Thanks again, Dirk.

Interesting. Nice narrative. Only problem I had with the dialogue was that the slaves were so forthcoming, I know they didn't need a reason or they had all the reason in the world to want revenge on the girl, but all the same I wish the girl would of offended them with a tongue lashing or something physical.

I read some of your response to get a better idea of what you were looking for here. One reviewer asks the same question I had, why if the girl is the bad one is it the slave who loses again. He wanted to spread aids amongst the whites, but instead it comes back to haunt him. Wow. Talk about unfair. What I also, found interesting is the underlying "aids might have came from monkeys" and in this story the slaves are in the possession of aids. Not sure about the social commentary on that, but you left me in thought, intentionally or not. But I guess, back then especially, black people got every bad hand dealt back to them.

Provoking read.

BLB

Hey BLB,

No, I wasn't trying to make a connection between monkeys and black people at all.  I'm sorry it gave you that impression.  The nomad french creoles just happened to know where the pond was that carried the disease.  They didn't create it or anything.

As for the two main characters who both suffer repercussions from each other, I was just trying to show that revenge isn't always justifiable, either.  Kind of like the old adage 'Revenge is a dish best served cold'.

Sorry you got the wrong idea about the monkey reference again, but I'm glad you found the story interesting.

- Mark

Mark

A fairly random (not a bad thing) story you got here depicting a certain period in American history with a magic realism overtone. Kind  topical too given Tarantino’s new film even if it’s a different race being fu?ked over by the whites.

I like your meticulous approach to writing according to the dialect and pronunciation of the characters, gives it an air of naturalism a la Fargo that would be lacking otherwise. However, there were a couple of examples that stuck out for me which didn’t sit well:

GUARD
It'd be a good idea to keep those
thick lips shut here on out.

- Reads a little funny. Should you include “from” in between “shut” and “here”?

MARGARET
There'll be no more words.

- Again, reads a little clumsily.

It took a strange turn with The Pond, a high concept, fantastical idea amongst such a sore social/historical issue. It came across as too big an idea to only give it six pages, I wanted to learn more about it.

Without that explanatory VO though it seems that The Pond bestows youth upon the user and nothing more. They talk about these deficiencies, rotting of parent’s blood, legions and waxy blisters but we never see them first hand which makes me question the veracity of their statements. Did you intend this to be somewhat ambiguous and unproven to the reader/audience?

The, perhaps too expository, VO on pages 4-5 signposted the ending for me unfortunately. As soon as they mentioned the perils of Margaret passing on the “virus” of The Pond, along with the prior hint of her promiscuity when she puffs out her chest in response to Armand’s roving eye I could see where this was heading.

In spite of that, I do like the concept and think it could definitely be expanded into something greater. You could create a whole history of this particular Creole tribe, their sacred Pond and the complication that arise with the White Man’s expansion and interference. How something so glorious, a phenomenal gift from nature is used as a sort of biological weapon against the enemy. A fascinating twist on the Pocahontas/Avatar standard storyline.

Best of luck with it.

Col.

Mark,

This was very interesting. If you would've gotten this in on time, you may have taken out the undefeated champ Ryan.

I think the (V.O.) Ran a little long. I wished you would've added something about a sexual fever that the pond can infect people with to spread the virus. Then when Margaret comes calling for sexual favors, the tables have turned.

Very well done, Youngstown. You should've entered it. You ever jump in on that head to head before? It's good fun, but if you commit to it in front of everyone, there's a tad bit of pressure.

James