Pond by Mark Lyons (rc1107) - Short, Drama - A young woman about to inherit her family's plantation accompanies her father's men on an expedition to round up slaves to train and auction. 7 pages - pdf, format

Mark! Once again you have proven yourself an excellent writer. Jumped right into this when I saw your name, forgetting to read the log-line... Think it's fair to say I'm a fan

Not a lot to say about this one, I'm afraid. Didn't pick up any writing issues... No typos, nothing that didn't make sense.

I have to admit, I found myself lost in the dialogue, on occasion, but after reading over, I soon caught up.

Just a quick question... What time period are we working with here? I understand slavery in America was abolished some time ago, so that leaves the question... Is this screenplay set in the past or future? Or even an alternative form to the modern day? While it's abolished in America, slavery is still a big part of many African nations, so I wonder if you may have gotten the inspiration from that?? I don't know, maybe I missed something.

In terms of story, I liked it. I thought I would. However, I do feel it's very reliant on that dialogue. Not necessarily a bad thing, but as I've mentioned before I did get lost in the dialogue. I may be the only one, but if other people struggle with it, your story might not come across as clearly as you hoped for.

Overall, still an awesome read.

Cheers,

Dan

Not sure what to think with this one.

SPOILERS

I assume the disease in the pond was Aids? Wait, I'm pretty sure it was. You actually had me going there, thinking they were actually old . I like it how it's a revenge type deal but how would Margaret know the disease passes through bodily fluids? And why would the first thing she does is make him have sex with her? Sounds a little too bizarre TBH. Unless that's not what happened?

I suppose it was alright, a nice take on the origin of aids.

Hey Dan.

Thanks for taking a read.  This one was actually written in one day about a year and a half ago for one of the heads up challenges Michael was running for a little while.  I came across it a couple weeks ago and decided I really liked it and thought I'd post it up after extending one of the scenes a little bit.

The story takes place in 1840's, Louisianna.  We were given a logline and had to write a story based on that.  I think the logline was something like 'In 1840's New Orleans, a debutante searches for the fountain of youth in a graveyard.'

I wasn't actually one of the two in the heads up challenge, but this story popped into my head and I wanted to get it down on paper anyway.

Thanks for taking a look and letting me know your thoughts.

- Mark

Hey nawazm.

Thanks for also taking a read.

Yeah, the virus in the pond was the beginning of aids.  Although, I think the original origin of aids has something to do with monkeys, I thought this might make a cool little twist.

Quoted from nawazm I like it how it's a revenge type deal but how would Margaret know the disease passes through bodily fluids? And why would the first thing she does is make him have sex with her?

Actually, Margaret doesn't even know she's been infected yet.  She just wants some lovin', and that's why Armand's now scared that she starts hitting on him.  He wasn't expecting that.  I foreshadow a little bit in the first scene that Margaret does check out Armand's muscles and sticks her chest out a little more to impress him.

Anyway, thanks again for checking this one out, nawazm.  You got any stories posted around on SS?  I remember seeing you around here and there, but don't remember if I ever read anything of yours.  Let me know.

- Mark

Hey, RC.

I suppose that makes a lot more sense now . My bad.

I recently wrote a feature that I'll post on SS in the coming weeks so if you have the time, would you mind reading it? It's a lot to ask and I can understand if you're busy.

Anyway, catch ya later.

Hey Mark,

I liked this. Your pacing, flow, and characterizations are all top notch. It’s your sudden, dare I say—jarring—ending that left a bitter taste in my mouth. My biggest issue with this short is that Margaret is so wonderfully made out to be the villain, yet it’s our hero Armand who gets the just desserts. Why?

I’m not saying you can’t have an unhappy ending (The Mist is just one of several films that proves it’s possible), but I just didn’t feel satisfied when this one was over. I want to know what happens next, and I want to see if Armand is smart enough to weasel his way out of this miscalculated comeuppance.

Good job, though. I did enjoy it.

Best,

Chris

I don't know if I like this. Good writing, and good descriptions, but it comes across a little flat.

Why would Africans speak English so well? And AIDS is spread through fluids, true, but she has to have an open wound. Even if you drink infected semen or blood, even by accident, it's chances of spreading are very low.

I like the idea but not really the reasoning behind it. Two Africans trick a white woman into tricking a white woman into poisoning herself is clever but the ending doesn't work for me.

Mark,

Interesting idea. Would agree the location/period isn’t all that clear through the writing, but it does little to detract from the story.

Some of Etienne’s dialogue felt a little unnatural during the V.O -- I think you could achieve the same result with less.

The log-line didn’t seem to wholly relate to the story/action (the mention of the inheritance and expedition seem unnecessary) -- in a way this story is about something very different.

Think the allusion to Aids is a interesting one but it does complicate a simple idea. Other than that an enjoyable read. Loved that twist at the end.  

Steve.

Mark,

There where parts of this story that I thought were brilliant. You set a fantastic tone from the start. What really got me sucked in was the dialogue about the pond. Big time page turner for sure. When the mythos of the pond was revealed, it was a hard pill for me to swallow, but I still was glad you had Margaret take a dip. Pretty dark and tense.

I was left wondering if there were other motives or story to tell. If I were Armand, I'd start looking for the pond that cures aids.

Later,

Johnny

Hey mark,

Must owe you a read.

I like the overall aim but feel the execution could be a bit sharper, not the writing per se but the way it is woven together.

At present it relies heavily of the slaves telling about the pond. At the end I was thinking more of cholera or another water born tropical water born disease like bilharzia,  than aids. After all, we know, or assume to know, that aids wasn't a present in those days. But having said that, it could work.

Small point, but in them times, is it realistic than the slaves could have been living for so long own their own, and the girl believe it? Don't know.

Perhaps it could have a little more cause and effect to help the set up. Eg girl falls off a horse because of the female slave, viciously attacks her for ruining her hair, or some other form of vanity eg torn dress, which the male slave then persuades her of the pond of youth to save the female slave, only for the disease to be revealled. The end where the revenge comes back to bite him, so to speak, could be done in a few ways. Eg she drags him to the pond to swim with her? This way you don't have an aids conundrum in that era.

Anyway,  just thoughts.

A simple, well paced read with a nice underlying idea and twist.

Cheers

Hey Mark,

I don’t have much to add on this one and to be totally honest I found it a little boring as in not a lot really happened for me.

I think I understood the time period, I don’t know my slave history too well but I believe the Creole people is French descendants in Louisiana from the 19th century but a “super” have helped me along here and I could be completely wrong of course?

The dialogue was a bit misleading though, it was like Etienne couldn’t speak proper English at first but then she became more fluent as the piece went on – maybe this was intentional to help them along with the lie.

That’s the best part here for me, they lied to Margaret for some kind of revenge and it came back to haunt Armand at the end, nice twist of events.

If there could be something different then I would make Margaret more likeable to the audience – how tragic would it be if she was just a nice little girl but trying hard to come off like a proper higher class lady in front of these slaves, some early family exchange could accomplish this.

Then how would the twist play out? Yeah, guess this would take the story into another direction thinking about it that weren’t aiming for.

Is the disease in the pond Aids? Obviously a different spin because the provenance was Africa I believe – certainly an interesting take on a such a disease.

The writing’s fine and I was never tripped up but I have to admit to finding the story a bit bland for my liking.

Nice work.

Steve

Nawa.

No problem.  Just give me a heads up when your feature pops up on the portal.  (could you pm me the title just to be sure I don't miss it.)

Hey Chris.

What have you been up to?  Thanks for taking a look at this one for me.  Glad it read well for you.

Quoted from Sham My biggest issue with this short is that Margaret is so wonderfully made out to be the villain, yet it’s our hero Armand who gets the just desserts. Why?

In my head, Armand, although sticking up for what he believes in, is still just as much a villain as Margaret for not caring about the disease beyond Margaret and the few people she'll infect.

Hmm.  As for what happens next?  I guess if I had to continue this one and stretch it out as a feature, I guess I could have Armand invent condoms.

To tell the truth, the story just ended in my head as her blackmailing him.  Either have sex with her or have her accuse him of rape, which definately isn't going to end well for him.  They didn't mess too much with trials back in the 1840's.

Thanks again for taking a look at this one, Chris.

- Mark

Hey Austin.

Thanks for taking a read.  Sorry it fell a little flat for you.

Quoted from ABennettWriter Why would Africans speak English so well?

They weren't 100% African.  They were black French Creole's, which is also why they were still free in the Louisianna Territory at the time.  And why Etienne's words are peppered with French, and their dialect is worded like a French person's speaking English would.  (Although I did do a little more wording on the dialogue so it wouldn't read as weird, which is probably why the English is coming off a little better than usual.)


Hey Steve,

Quoted from stevemiles The log-line didn’t seem to wholly relate to the story/action (the mention of the inheritance and expedition seem unnecessary)

Yeah, I notice I did rely a little bit on the logline to tell a little of what was already going on in the story.  A line in the original logline read 'In 1840's Louisianna', so I suppose I relied on that to without wanting to take the time to explain it in the story.

I guess I just assumed that everybody knew what was going on in Louisianna in that time period so didn't want to waste too much time explaining it in a 5 page short.  (Eventhough it ended up being 6 pages now, though.)

Thank you for the compliments about it being an interesting idea and the twist at the end, though.

It's much appreciated Steve and Austin.

- Mark

Yeah.. I thought it took place in Africa, with the huts and everything. I know what a French creole is, but the French also colonized Africa, so I thought maybe that's what happened.

Hey Mark

I enjoyed the story here but some of the dialogue was a little confusing.  Steve mentioned that Etienne's English improves and I noticed this too.

The year setting caught me off guard at first as I thought it was initially a modern piece but soon realised it was set much earlier.  I'm not great on slavery background but am I right in thinking African Americans were simply rounded up and forced in to slavery?  Forgive my ignorance on this.

Anyway, I the story was good and the era you set it in helped make it more interesting.  I also agree that the logline could be better though.

Hey Johnny.

I haven't been able to get online much in the past few weeks, so I'm sorry for the late reply.  But thank you for taking a look at this one.  I'm glad to see you liked it.

Yeah, I didn't really ground this story too much in reality, (usually, my stories are), so I understand what you said about the mythos of the pond being a hard pill to swallow.

Thanks for checking it out.


Hey Bill.

Yeah, this story was a little expository, but it was written for a five page challenge, so dialogue I decided was the easiest way to convey my ideas.

Hmm.  Interesting idea about the girl falling off the horse.  If I decide to come back to this story again, I'll have to take a look at that.

Thanks for taking a read, Bill.

- Mark

Hey Steve.

Sorry the story was a little bland for you.  I admit, this isn't my usual fare.  I really don't like ideas that aren't grounded in real life situations, but I'm trying to expand my imagination at least a little bit.

And yeah, I should've put a super in there to show that it's 1840's Louisianna and not Africa.  I'm kicking myself for it now.

I am glad you liked the little twist in events and what the pond really was, though.

Thanks for taking a read.


Hey Anthony.

Dang it!  I really need to put that super in there!  In the challenge I wrote it for, the time and setting was in the log, so it felt redundant putting it in the script.

Actually, even the logline as it is now, I realize I'm relying on it too much to get my story across without having to explain too much in the script.  I should work on that.

As for the dialogue, I admit I was trying to use my very limited French Creole vocab, which is why I kind of abandoned it with Etienne later on in the script.

But I'm glad you found it to be an interesting idea.

Thanks for taking a look at it!

- Mark

I'm actually a little confused with this one.  You describe the blacks in the script as creole, which says (atleast to me) that they're from Louisiana.  But you have them being rounded up to be sold into slavery here.  Any black people in Louisiana, during the time of slavery, were already slaves (or freed ones).

Even though you described Margaret as seventeen, I kept picturing her as seven or eight.  Why would she be wandering free around the 'savages?'  It would be too dangerous for her.

Your dialog needs to be tightened up.  Conversations went on too long for me.  You could probably trim a page off this piece but cutting back on the chatter.

I don't know if you were trying to imply that Margaret caught AIDS from the water, or just a similar disease, but it was a nice twist in the story, Armand's Revenge or something.  Having her fulfill her Mandingo fantasies, OTOH, didn't work for me.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Hey Mark,

Been meaning to get to this one.
Haven't read any of the other posts.
So forgive me if I repeat some stuff.

Starts out rockin the Alex Hayley vibe, but then goes all Cajun.
Safe to assume this one's situated in Beasts of the Southern Wild territory?
Still, I shouldn't be questioning the setting on page one.

Margaret reads more impetuous child than high society teen.
They matured those little girls fast to marry them off.

I keep waiting for Margaret's father to show up.
Or at least the slavemaster in charge of the group.
I keep wondering why would Margaret even been there.

The words "deficiencies" and "immune" read odd on a slave's lips.
But I'm guessing you chose those anachronistic sounding words for good reason.
Sounds like there's been some monkeys monkeying around in there.

Finished.
I don't get what Margaret did that warranted the punishment she got.
I kept waiting for her to get slap happy or get someone tortured or killed.
But she's just a pretty dolt that didn't really deserve her fate.
What was it about HER? I'd like to understand why.

All Etienne had to do was tell the truth and the story's over.
If she told the truth, then got pimp slapped by Margaret, I can see that working.
But the only reason why Maragaret goes to her fate is cuz Etienne plays coy.

I like the prose, setting and most of the dialogue clicks.
But the motivations left me wanting.

Always good to see new material from you!

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Mark,

Don't remember ever reading anything by you before, so I didn't know what to expect. But you definitely impressed me. Descriptions were clear and dialogue was (for the most part) great, which made for an easy, pleasant read. You can definitely write, man.

Now, onto the script itself. I thought this was a really clever idea. So kudos for that. Now, whilst the idea was great, I did have a slight niggle with how it was executed. Nothing major, and something which can easily be rectified in a future re-draft. My main issue was related to the character's motivation. Why does Armand want revenge so badly? Okay, yes, he is being sold into slavery, but why is he choosing to exert revenge on Margaret? Maybe expand the script slightly, have Armand wronged by Margaret more, make Margaret out to be more evil. Maybe make her slightly older as well, and have her obsessed with her youth? Would make it more believeable that she would believe Armand's ruse about the fountain of year.

I, like others, was also slightly confused initially regarding the setting. This is an example when a super would have done wonders However, as the script went on, I did put two-and-two together.


Some (really) minor issues with descriptions, dialogue, etc.:

I had a tiny issue with Margaret’s first line of dialogue. Her final sentence read a bit awkwardly for me. I personally think it would sound better if it was something like:  “You will show me and my father respect when you speak to us”, or something similar. Very minor issue.

I also had another issue with Margaret’s “my mother has passed” dialogue. Once again, it read slightly awkwardly. Something like “Do not speak of my mother, as she has passed” would read slightly better for me.

Page 3- “Margaret becomes aware of Armand's eyes on her body and she pulls her shoulders back so her chest sticks out more.” I would maybe include something else, such as flicking her hair behind her shoulders seductively, or something of a similar ilk. For me, this would have foreshadowed the final scene better, as it would have directed more attention towards the fact that Margaret finds Armand attractive. As for me, the final scene jumped a little bit out of left-field. Margaret is still someone who she believes is 94 years old though Naughty girl.

Page 4- “Margaret looks at the sweat glisten on his body.” Should that be “the sweat that glistens”? Or, you could cut out “glisten” altogether, and the sentence would read the same.

I also had a tiny issue with Margaret’s final line of dialogue. I pictured this scene happening with her and Armand being pretty close together. Therefore, the “walk to me” line, for me, read a bit weirdly, as I pictured them being close. And plus, Margaret seems like the demanding, controlling type of person, so I imagine she would just straight-up force herself on Armand, versus being slightly more submissive and have Armand walk over to her? As I said though, minor issue.

Overall, this was a great idea. As I said, your writing was awesome as well. If you expand the script slightly, focusing on the character's motivations, you will have something great on your hands here.

Cheers.

Toby.

P.S. Apologies if anything I have written is incoherent: It's late where I am, and I have had 6 hours of mentally gruelling exams and assessments today, so my cognitive capabilities are currently slightly below par!

Hey Phil!

Thanks for taking a look at this.

The Creoles of Color at that time were actually free people, a step above the slaves if I remember correctly, and were actually allowed to own land and even slaves.  But, because I wanted to tell this story quick, I should've worked in that these particular Creole's were more of a fictitious nomadic tribe I created for the story, rather than settling in the colonies like the others when they arrived in the 1780's from France.  That's also why they were more dark-skinned, also.  A few Creoles I know who are originally from New Orleans are very dark-skinned, so it seemed kind of plausible to me when I wrote this.

As a backstory in my head, Margaret's mother has already passed away, (which I did work into the story), and her father is well on his way and he's prepping her to take over the family plantation, (which I didn't work into the story, just the logline, which was a mistake, but I didn't want to extend the story too much.)  While at the time I believe, 17 was well considered to be an adult, I did purposely make her a little immature so she would seem gullible enough to believe Armand's story.  Of course, I didn't want her to seem 7 or 8 years immature, so I'll have to take a look at her dialogue again.

Yep, the pond was supposed to be the initial beginnings of AIDS.  I know the real beginning was supposed to have something to do with monkeys, and I considered having Margaret bathe in the water with monkeys watching her, but thought that'd be too silly.

This is just one I wrote for the fun of it and because the thought was there.  I know it's not even close to being my best, but I really enjoyed it when I came across the script and thought I'd post it in case anybody else might enjoy it.

Thanks again for taking the time to read it and letting me know your thoughts.

Have you written anything new recently?  It's been awhile since I've read one of yours.

- Mark

Hey Brett.

Hmm.  Never seen 'Beasts of the Southern Wild', so I don't know if it's the same territory.  But if it takes place in Louisianna, it probably is the same territory.  But this takes place in the 1840's.  I've actually never seen 'Roots', either, (I had to look up Alex Haley on Wikipedia.  :-)  but I heard it's pretty highly acclaimed, so hopefully the Haley vibe was a compliment.

Yeah, it looks like I have to mature Margaret up a little more.  I know she's young, but I never meant for her to sound that young.  Margaret is the one pretty much in charge there.  It's not said in the story, but her dad's dying and she's taking over the plantation and she's there to watch and learn the ropes a little bit.

Quoted from E.D. But I'm guessing you chose those anachronistic sounding words for good reason. Sounds like there's been some monkeys monkeying around in there.

:-)  Like I mentioned to Phil.  You have no idea how much I wanted to have monkeys watching her while she was in the pond!

Why does Margaret get the punishment?  Well, I agree a disease like that isn't deserved no matter what, but Armand is just really pissed he's getting ripped from his home in this unjust country.  I thought I did have Etienne try to warn her about the pond, but Margaret just ignores her because she's worried about staying forever beautiful.  (Kind of like women and men with their plastic surgeries nowadays.)  I should take a look at that again and try to make that aspect more clear.

Thanks a lot, Brett, for taking the read.  I don't really have any high expectations for this one to get made, (I know periodpiece shorts don't get picked up too often), but I thought it was a fun story that a couple people might get a kick out of.

I'll be seeing you around.

- Mark

Hey Toby.

Thanks for taking a read.  Hope you did good on all your exams.  Good luck with everything.

First of all, thank you for all the compliments.  It's very much appreciated.

Yeah, I agree this one needs to be expanded a tinge for everything to make crystal clear sense.  Maybe expanding it a little more also might make it a little easier to fathom why Armand would do something so cruel to her, and why she was even there in the first place.

Dang it!  I really needed a super in there, didn't I!!?  This was originally written for a competition where the logline stated 'In 1840's New Orleans...'.  So, in the confines of the comp, I didn't really need to state the setting as it was already assumed.  Now that I'm out of the confines of the competition, I didn't go back and make it clear in the story what time and settings we're dealing with.

Yeah, I'll really have to go back and tweak Margaret's dialogue.  She's not coming across to people the way I wanted them to see her.  That's a fail on me and I'll go back and deal with that issue.

Quoted from Toby Margaret is still someone who she believes is 94 years old though  Naughty girl.

Wow.  I never thought about that before.  She is about to seduce someone who she thinks is almost a hundred, isn't she?  That adds a little bit of morbidity to her character I never thought of.  But I like it.  Guess that was a happy accident.

And yeah, I'll have to go back and block that final scene a little better, too.  They're really not standing far apart from each other.  I was just trying to convey that Margaret was on her knees, her mouth equal height to Armand's groin.  I'll take a look at that too.

Thanks again for all your thoughts on this Toby.  I know you said you haven't posted anything on the site for awhile, but if there's anything you want me to check out, just say the word.

And I'll be on the look-out for your feature to hit the boards.  Just send me a little reminder in case I miss it on the portal.

Thanks again, Toby.

Hey Mark,

Well written, nicely paced story. Not much that I can say that others haven't already pointed out to you but one thing I did notice was how Armand and Etienne were free to carry on a conversation with Margaret as they walked along. I would think a guard would interupt the conversation telling the slaves to be quiet.

I loved the twist at the end. Nice little revenge of sorts with an unknowing infected Margaret forcing Armand to sleep with her.

Great job!

- Dirk

Hey Dirk.

Thank you very much for your thoughts.

If I ever expand on this story... (It's not in my plans at the moment.  My stove is full right now, even the backburners, the oven, and that little broiler way underneath that everybody forgets about)... I'll get more into the backstory and make it clear Margaret is actually in charge of the men, as she's taking over the plantation.  I did just want to keep this very brief, so I didn't get into the proper backstory that I should've.

I appreciate the compliments, though.  I had actually forgotten I had written this and when I foundit and read it over again, I really did like the story for some reason, so I threw it up here for anybody who might get a kick out of it.

I've been hard at work on some serious stories lately and I might be posting those ones up soon.  (Hopefully not, though, because that'll mean they got rejected from the director I wrote them for and they didn't place in any contests.)

Thanks again, Dirk.

Interesting. Nice narrative. Only problem I had with the dialogue was that the slaves were so forthcoming, I know they didn't need a reason or they had all the reason in the world to want revenge on the girl, but all the same I wish the girl would of offended them with a tongue lashing or something physical.

I read some of your response to get a better idea of what you were looking for here. One reviewer asks the same question I had, why if the girl is the bad one is it the slave who loses again. He wanted to spread aids amongst the whites, but instead it comes back to haunt him. Wow. Talk about unfair. What I also, found interesting is the underlying "aids might have came from monkeys" and in this story the slaves are in the possession of aids. Not sure about the social commentary on that, but you left me in thought, intentionally or not. But I guess, back then especially, black people got every bad hand dealt back to them.

Provoking read.

BLB

Hey BLB,

No, I wasn't trying to make a connection between monkeys and black people at all.  I'm sorry it gave you that impression.  The nomad french creoles just happened to know where the pond was that carried the disease.  They didn't create it or anything.

As for the two main characters who both suffer repercussions from each other, I was just trying to show that revenge isn't always justifiable, either.  Kind of like the old adage 'Revenge is a dish best served cold'.

Sorry you got the wrong idea about the monkey reference again, but I'm glad you found the story interesting.

- Mark

Mark

A fairly random (not a bad thing) story you got here depicting a certain period in American history with a magic realism overtone. Kind  topical too given Tarantino’s new film even if it’s a different race being fu?ked over by the whites.

I like your meticulous approach to writing according to the dialect and pronunciation of the characters, gives it an air of naturalism a la Fargo that would be lacking otherwise. However, there were a couple of examples that stuck out for me which didn’t sit well:

GUARD
It'd be a good idea to keep those
thick lips shut here on out.

- Reads a little funny. Should you include “from” in between “shut” and “here”?

MARGARET
There'll be no more words.

- Again, reads a little clumsily.

It took a strange turn with The Pond, a high concept, fantastical idea amongst such a sore social/historical issue. It came across as too big an idea to only give it six pages, I wanted to learn more about it.

Without that explanatory VO though it seems that The Pond bestows youth upon the user and nothing more. They talk about these deficiencies, rotting of parent’s blood, legions and waxy blisters but we never see them first hand which makes me question the veracity of their statements. Did you intend this to be somewhat ambiguous and unproven to the reader/audience?

The, perhaps too expository, VO on pages 4-5 signposted the ending for me unfortunately. As soon as they mentioned the perils of Margaret passing on the “virus” of The Pond, along with the prior hint of her promiscuity when she puffs out her chest in response to Armand’s roving eye I could see where this was heading.

In spite of that, I do like the concept and think it could definitely be expanded into something greater. You could create a whole history of this particular Creole tribe, their sacred Pond and the complication that arise with the White Man’s expansion and interference. How something so glorious, a phenomenal gift from nature is used as a sort of biological weapon against the enemy. A fascinating twist on the Pocahontas/Avatar standard storyline.

Best of luck with it.

Col.

Mark,

This was very interesting. If you would've gotten this in on time, you may have taken out the undefeated champ Ryan.

I think the (V.O.) Ran a little long. I wished you would've added something about a sexual fever that the pond can infect people with to spread the virus. Then when Margaret comes calling for sexual favors, the tables have turned.

Very well done, Youngstown. You should've entered it. You ever jump in on that head to head before? It's good fun, but if you commit to it in front of everyone, there's a tad bit of pressure.

James

Hey Mark,

I thought I would give this a read, and I was glad I did. A very good narrative, well written, good dialogue, I like how you end it.

It is hard to answer all and connect every detail to make it 100% full proof story in a short script format, I mean not even feature length scripts can fill all the plot holes, and personally I didn't think you needed to say the disease was aids in the pond, which you don't in the script, but do on the thread, could the HIV strain survive in a pond anyway? Regardless, all things don't need to be explained. I think you covered every thing that needed to be covered to tell the story.

---- *SPOILER ALERT*-----
All this being said, my only thought was I would like to have seen you set up a bit more why the "Flowery" girl would want to suck his... well you know. It feels a bit forced at the moment just so you can have Armand's action come back and bite him on the d*#k.
----*SPOILER ALERT END*-------

But I really liked the story and the writing a lot.

Cheers

Hey Col.

Thank you for taking a read and your suggestions.  Yeah, for me, I'm always looking to brush up dialogue, so thanks for your thoughts on how those lines sound.  It sounds good when I read it in my head in the accent, but I don't think it made it to the page quite like I wanted to.

While I don't have any plans on taking the story and making it into a feature, it'll always be in the back of my head in case a studio's looking for a somewhat sci-fi history idea.  I think it would be interesting, but with everything I have going on right now, I don't think I'll be able to get to it anytime soon.

Thank you again, Col.



Hey James.

Quoted from jwent If you would've gotten this in on time, you may have taken out the undefeated champ Ryan.

:-)  Thanks for the compliment.  Actually, I did get the story to Michael on time, (even earlier if I remember correctly because I had to work that day), but Michael decided to just keep it between the main two in the competition that time, then he posted the other stories he got after the voting was done.  (I think Gary Rademan entered one, too.)

No, I never went with anyone head to head.  I didn't even plan on writing a story for that one, actually.  But once I saw the logline, about an hour later, the dialogue popped into my head and I finished it in about an hour, I think.

Thanks for taking a read, Cleveland.  Hope you've been doing good.

- Mark

Hey Kevin.

Thanks for the compliment.  No, I don't think HIV can survive in ponds, (don't quote me... I'm not an expert), but I figured since the story had to do with the fountain of youth anyway, I took a little license into stretching the laws of physics with this one.

:-)  Yeah, I know that last scene was a little forced.  I only had five pages to write this in, so I had to get in and get out as quick as I could.  I guess now that there are no confines of a challenge involved, I could've gone deeper and deeper into motives and what-not, but still don't want to stretch it out too far.  I do still want to keep it a quick story.

Thank you very much for the read, Kevin.

Hey Mark,

I decided to check this one out as I was impressed by Thistles. Indeed, I wasn't disappointed; I found this script intriguing, well written, and full of flavor.

I've since read it a second time and unfortunately, I found little I could say that hasn't been said already, as is often the curse with Short threads over two pages long. In any case, I concur with the issues raised in regards to Margaret's dialogue, the Creoles' vocabulary (I've never been a fan of phonetically-written dialogue either), the disease in the water being AIDS, and the vagueness of the history and time period (though I was got a general idea after a page or so).

The AIDS angle particularly bugged me. You essentially go from a "fountain of youth" scenario that is purely fantastical to a scenario that takes something realistic and makes it unrealistic, i.e. making the AIDS virus transmissible through water. I mean the latter is implausible as is but going from a fantasy that people are immediately willing to accept in a fictional story to something based in reality that people are less willing to accept is just plain aggravating and frankly, takes away from the impact of Armand's trickery. You see what I'm getting at here?

I'd consider using another disease, in short. Also, if you were going to use AIDS in this or some other context, could you not have any characters say the words "immune" or "deficiency," like, at all? Especially not one following the other. On the nose like a motherfucker, not to mention neither would be words seem copacetic with the vocab.

I see Margaret's situation is one you're trying to clarify at this point but there's not much on the page that indicates what you've written in your logline nor does there seem to be any particular reason why she's here watching the slaves get rounded up. I'd continue efforts to make these things more apparent.

Finally, my biggest gripe with your script that stuck out like a sore thumb to me but that nobody has brought up yet... Etienne is a boy's name. It's the French equivalent of Steven. I Googled this just to be sure and read a few comments claiming it to be a girl's name but I think a good chunk of those posters don't know what they're talking about, especially if they're citing the feminine "ienne." Not that I'm French or know the history of the name but I lived in Paris for six months and the Etiennes I did meet were exclusively men; had I met a woman with that name, I'd probably have thought it weird.

Anyway, I thought this was a pretty strong script overall. Hope this helps and hope to read some more from you in the future.

Hey James!

Thanks a bunch for the read and the thoughts.

Wow.  I never knew 'Etienne' was a masculine name.  I forgot when I wrote this, it was well over a year and a half ago for a head-to-head challenge that Michael puts on sometimes, but I can't remember where for the life of me I came across the name and wanted to use it for a girl.  I do remember seeing at the time that it was the equivalent of 'Stephanie', but you're right, everything does claim it as a masculine name.  I should've did a little more research when I came across it than just assuming.

And yeah, I should've given a little more time for brushing up the dialogue in this one.

As for the aids angle, even though I know it's not how the disease started, I think I just wanted to roll with the abnormal plot of the story, since I very rarely tend to ever trod into supernatural territory.

And sorry I was so on the nose with 'immune' and 'deficiency'.  Believe it or not, and I'm sorry to admit it, I was trying to figure out how to get the word 'auto' in there, too.  At least I left that one out.

And I am guilty of letting the logline tell the backstory for this one.  Since I was no longer in the constraints of the challenge, I should've let loose a little bit and expanded on what exactly was going on.  I might come back to this story and work it over again, but it might not be for a little while, as I've got so much on my plate right now as it is.

Thank you very much for your thoughts again, James.  Have you submitted or worked on anything recently?  I haven't come across anything and I've been on the lookout, but it still could've slipped by me.  Let me know.

Thanks again.

- Mark

Happy to help.

As it happens (or rather as it doesn't happen), I haven't posted anything new in forever and probably won't for a good while. I'm currently developing a vampire feature that is easily the hardest thing I've ever worked on since I started writing. Since the last two scripts I wrote on spec both took around two years to develop, I'd expect this one might stretch over a similar timeline, if not longer.

I am trying to revise Left Hand Paths though, so as to keep busy. That'd be most likely the next thing to pop up from me around these parts.

Hey, Mark. I remember this from another challenge - it was write a story on a logline in two days or something - is that right?

I'll read it again and write what I think.

I liked it.

I wish you didn't call them creole. I used to live in Louisiana and to them creole is French/spanish descend, or someone who speaks English in creole lingo or something, not slaves, and not black slaves. Maybe there's more to "creole" and maybe the word stands exactly who you described in your short but that's first what comes to my mind and I think that would be the first thing that comes to the mind of anyone who lives/used to live in Louisiana.

I really liked the twist. I wish there was a visual way to approach though. I had hard time to believe they'll be talking to each other (young white girl and slaves) for such a long time. Maybe try cutting some of the dialog. The girl is too rude, I wish she showed her rudeness not in dialog but by doing something. Or at first she seems good, then we learn she's bad. She's especially bad to slaves when she tells to punish them for something small. And then we see them tell her how good the waters are to them and so forth. Just a suggestion. This way the twist would be especially unexpected.

Hey Mark.

I thought I'd check out a short from an SS vet for a change.  Looking at Khamanna's comment, I do agree with the way Margaret carried herself.  I read through it once and Margaret really comes off as a cunning girl towards the end.  At least when she's bored and looking for a thrill.  I think you could show that in her early dialogue with the slaves rather than making her dialogue seem so blunt IMO.  From her actions in the field, she does seem like an exploitive, manipulative person rather than a blunt, rude person at the start.

Etienne's dialogue read a bit strange to me after Armand mentioned the pool.  She wants that disease to die in that pond and if so, her bickering with Armand doesn't seem too smart IMO.  It's almost like she's egging them on with the secret.  Perhaps low warnings through clinched teeth would clear that up.  Or perhaps sharp stares as that would cut down on some of the dialogue which kinda ran on for me.

I don't really care about what disease was in the water.  To me it's not important.  Overall it was a great read for me.  That ending certainly caught me off guard.  Great job.

Hey Khamanna.

Yeah, this one was written for that 5-page heads-up competition quite a while ago.

I wish I would've found a way to be a little more visual with this one too, without having to inflate the page count to get the story across.  So I did rely a little too heavily on dialogue and the log-line to get the story across.  That was probably a no-no.

You do bring up a good point about making Margaret more dislikable with her actions, rather than her dialogue.  I should delve into that more.

You also bring up a good point about the origin of the tribe being caught for slavery.  I do see how that made the story a little more confusing.  (Especially when I describe them being more dark-skinned than light-skinned.)  I wanted to portray them more as a nomadic dark-skinned Creole tribe that broke away from the early settlers and went off on their own.  Of course, that tribe is totally fictitious.  I was just too caught up in all the fantasy of the story, I didn't worry about expanding the history of who they actually were.

If I ever come back to this one and want to expand it, you certainly gave me something I can work on.

Thank you very much for the read, Khamanna.

Hey Regular John,

Yeah.  This one could definitely use some brushing up, probably all around.  The more and more talk I'm hearing about it, I just might come back again to this one in the not-too-distant future and work it out a little better.

Thanks for the read, John.

Nice story, well told. I did see the twist coming but as it is a short, by the time I realised it was almost over. I genuinely enjoyed reading it. Nice work.

Hey Dustin.

I appreciate the read and your thoughts.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I had this one hidden away in a drawer for a while and when I pulled it out a little while ago, I rather enjoyed it, so I posted it.  However, I still cringe a little every time when I see someone reply to it, because I know it's not my strongest writing on display.  I'm waiting to get bashed for it for some reason, but I don't know why.  :-)

Thanks again for taking a look.