Hey Tendai... Thought I'd come back and give a more in depth response to your feedback. Apologies... I've been away on holiday (or vacation) with my Dad visiting from Australia, so I haven't really had a lot of time to spend at SS.

Quoted from Tendai I did like the story. I enjoyed how the effects of unknowingly murdering the father of the girl he risked his life to save led to a catatonic state which, in turn, to a degree took his own life away. I will however reiterate the point that while it's a traumatic event, one that would or probably should have tremendous psychological effect on anyone, it seemed hard to believe that this soldier, 24, was shaken enough by it to lose himself the way he did.

I'm glad that people are liking the story, although I do understand that not everyone will like my work it certainly is great to see that a lot of it has paid off. I do see the points risen about the the traumatic event at hand and I can see where people don't quite believe it realistic. At the same time, I think that it may still be enough to push this guy over the edge. Simply watching somebody die is enough to have people biting their nails for weeks. What you have to remember is the story is set during a time where mental training wasn't a thing for soldiers. They were kinda just handed a gun and told to shoot the enemy. I have, however, been researching into it a lot more recently. These things need to be triple checked. The argument regarding that aspect of the script could go either way and I'm still on the fence with it...

Thank you for pointing out those grammar issues. I wasn't aware that a word shouldn't be in CAPS after a hyphen. Cheers.

Quoted from Tendai I think the end would work better if you don't have Carson ask, "Right?" Bookend it with the line "He was the enemy. I had to shoot..." It ties in nicely to present time at the beginning and better propels the theme of the piece. Him asking Damon for verification strips an ounce from the weight of Carson's guilt as he's now placing the burden of his potential culpability on Damon. It's also a very civil, ordered response and follow up to his actions, which decreases from the idea that he's given in to heavy PTSD thereafter.

VERY good suggestion. Will definitely look into it and will probably have an improved draft up in January. My New Year's Resolution is to write a page a day... And yes I do plan to stick to it

Quoted from Tendai Good piece. Well written. Congratulations on your Movie Poet win. Was this for the contest just a few months ago in which the prompt required a character to awaken with the opening line being "Where am I?" If so I had an idea for that one, but then Subway had discounts, and I lost all focus.

Thanks. MP is great. To write amongst people like them is a awesome as it is, but to be recognized by them is even better. Yes, this was a part of the "Where am I?" comp. Go ahead a write your entry anyway! I'd love to read it

Thanks, mate.

Hi there Mark. Thanks for having a read and taking the time to get back to me on this one.

Quoted from Mark First of all, congratulations on the win at MP.  This is a great story and you put great effort into it, even for only four pages.  It's a well-deserved win for you.

All I can say to that is thank you. You know how much I admire your writing, so it really does mean a lot to me

Quoted from Mark Getting down to the nitty-gritty, others have been saying that the flashback needs bookended for more of a resolution.  I couldn't disagree more.  The resolution is there, it's just in that opening scene, rather than the end.  You tell us everything we need to know and if you write another scene in the tent to bookend it, it'll just be redundant of what we already know.

I have a feeling that whole thing is really going to come down to personal preference. Some will like it, so will not. I for one like it as it is. Maybe that's all that matters, but at the end of the day I have written this for an audience and not pleasing them wouldn't be good at all. I'm still on the fence with it.

Quoted from Mark However, you did mention you originally had an additional scene with Carson at the end grabbing at their feet, screaming 'Papa!'  I think that's a very strong idea.  You may be right, it may be a little melodramatic, but I think it would fit perfect in the beginning and wouldn't come off as melodramatic if Carson woke up and screamed 'PAPA!', rather than the cliche'd 'Where am I?'  (Now that you're out of the confines of the competition, you can lose that line and not be penalized for it.)

Brilliant suggestion! Love it. I've always liked that line. Good to see other people trying to incorporate it in.

Quoted from Mark People have also said that his shell-shock is too much.  I disagree there, also.  While him rocking back and forth may be a little too much for that opening scene, I loved that sense of fear Carson showed when he woke up.  I don't think it was as overdone as people say.  It'll take the right actors to pull it off so it doesn't seem too much, but it's written well enough as is.

If this was to be produced, the opening scene would be entirely down to the actors. It would be great to see people pulling it off the way I originally intended. Fingers crossed at the moment

Death trap on Codeine line is gone.

Quoted from Mark I guess maybe my only question would be, why did the Italian soldier bring his little 5 year-old to the battle?  I understand the battle's going on in their homeland, but wouldn't the soldier's families at least be in a shelter somewhere and not the frontlines that you describe in the scene?

Yeah that is a little inaccurate in some aspects. The idea was the girl escaped the shelter to find her father, although that wasn't made clear in the script. It's still plausible, IMO opinion, but maybe not.

Thanks Mark. Glad you enjoyed it. Gotta head off now, sorry.

Cheers,

Dan

For four pages, this has a great grasp of story-arc. There were moments where I was using my own experiences to compare, but this is a human story, ultimately, and found it came together by the end. Who's to say how anyone talked in 1944, or from which country's military they were from? Who's to say how their unit functioned or was organized? The lesson came, and is strong, in the simple thought that warfare leads to inhuman loss and irrevocable damage.

About the typos: I noticed a few that looked like accidents, and a few that looked like a searching for just the right description of complicated actions. There's a slight overuse of comas in those, both grammatically speaking, but also for smoothness, even where some are okay or signifying a separation of thought. Some of the best advice I've received on my own work (because I'm a notorious over-user of comas, myself), has been to remove them as much as reasonably possible, even breaking some grammar rules in the process. As long as it's done with an eye for removing where it can increase speed/flow in action, and left to create a nice, organized rhythm in the lines, yea. It's a little more like free-form that way. Another thought, consider other types of punctuation here and there. H.P. Lovecraft is a master of this, even though it's old school. If he had written it, he might have done the fourth action line of your first page a little bit like this: "The other two men dart up - prop themselves up."  Where the first coma is removed, being a mistake, and the second is replaced with a dash (less formal than a semi-colon), to represent the separate, but related, continuation of action or thought - plus a nice little beat.

Where to use the formal rule with great impact, versus where to break it with the same... that's the question.

Hope that helps!  

Will! I didn't recognize the name and I've just realized that you're reasonably new around here. Welcome to the boards. Always great to see new members pitching in and contributing.

Thanks for having a look at this. I think you liked it ( and if that's the case, I'm glad.

Quoted from WillJonassen Who's to say how their unit functioned or was organized?

I think anyone could easily just look this sort of thing up in the history books and find out. Don't get me wrong, I did do the necessary research and I did try and stay true to the history books wherever I could. At some stage during the planning process I came across a local newspaper article where a man was claiming that what was written down in the books wasn't actually correct. Apparently a whole heap of other stuff happened. It was then that I allowed myself to be a little more creative with the idea. After all, history is written by the winners...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the punctuation. It's something I'm not really good at. I agree with you when you say I should only use commas when absolutely necessary and I will try to eliminate them from future scripts. As for the varied punctuation... Yuhp I've noted it. Thanks.

Cheers Will,

Dan.

P.S. Let me know if there's anything of yours that you would like me to have a look at. I'd be more than willing to return the favour

Oh, yeah... I really liked it. As a veteran, myself, I only meant that it hit me hard, emotionally, but no negative vibes at all, bro! In my experiences there, I began knit-picking with my own training/brainwashing voices inside of me, that are geared only to some modern methods. I was in the wrong, and actually, that's why I posed those as rhetorical questions rather than statements. I was asking those questions of myself, and the answer? First, war's chaos. Second, in your creative goal, which I realized by the end, your interpretation and the endless possibilities are your own to decide and achieve. Therefor, it totally works, and I'm happy to recap, it's ultimately a story about the human condition, to my mind. He Was the Enemy. It's profound food for thought, and a message, I think, that needs to be told.

Also, thanks for the warm welcome! I posted a script and revised it. Don emailed me today to say that the revision should be up tonight, along with a little 8 page short of my own! So far, I have found the feedback from this community to be extraordinarily solid and helpful. It's the least I can do to give back insights from my own experiences.

And I more than appreciate that of other's.

Cheers!

(or "skoll!" as we vikings are fond of saying, though your's is nicer)

Woah you write well in your written discussion

My intention was to hit people hard on an emotional scale, although I never wanted to bring back any personal memories any veterans might have. I realize it's still a sensitive subject, one which I need to tread lightly with the current things happening outside of New Zealand. On the flip side, it's not a bad thing to see people connect with your work. You know you're doing something right when the audience empathizes and more importantly, sympathizes for your characters.

Quoted from WillJonssen It's profound food for thought, and a message, I think, that needs to be told.

If this is ever gets filmed, I will make sure that comment makes it to the promotional video

I have just seen a short of yours posted... I'm on to it, mate.

Cheers,

Dan

Haha! Thanks, my friend.

Also, thank you and your lovely island nation, full of incredible landscapes, dreams, and beer, for breeding and then sending us Peter Jackson - from bad taste to the hobbit, there and back again. We thank you, kind kiwis.

Funny, but I can't see my own updated work, yet. Maybe it's the time difference, or who knows, but I'll be getting to the feedback just as soon as whatever's happening on my end catches up!

Thanks!
Hope you enjoy, til then!

Hey Dan,

I read this one when it first was submitted to MP and did think it was well written and a great little story then.

There is no use repeating what has already been mentioned above so I won't go there.

Congrats on your win on MP and WOW your writing has come a long way in the time I have known you.
I think you have a bright future ahead of you and look forward to reading more of you work.

Alex

Thanks Alex,

It's great to read that people think I have progressed. That means a lot to me, as I truly admire most of the writers on this forum.

Great to see that you enjoyed it.

Thanks again

Dan

Hey Dan, since you asked, here's my feedback.

Looks to me like your top margins may be off.  The script just looks like it's really packed in.

Personally, I don't like the idea of a SUPER in an INT scene like this.

Always avoid repeating your Slug in your opening passage beneath it.  it's a waste and repetitious. I don't think the interior of a tent requires any description, actually.

Even though you're not properly introing anyone by name, you still want to CAP "MEN".

Carson's intro is awkwardly worded and ends in an orphan.

"The other two men, dart up, prop themselves up." - Awkward and no comma between "men" and "dart".

There appears to be a number of awkwardly worded lines.  Comma use is off frequently, as well.  IMO, too much unnecessary description of both "things" and characters.

The dialogue on page 2 doesn't sound realistic to me.

A number of typos going on, some of which are a real hindrance to the read.

IMO, the writing isn't very visual, and the unnatural flow makes it hard for me to really buy into any of this.

I don't like how everyone is constantly screaming (any dialogue ending in an exclamation point means the line is being yelled or screamed).

I actually like the ending, but the lead in is a waste, IMO - especially the level of detail given.

I don't know...something definitely is good about the concept but for me, the writing takes away the potential power.  And I'm not saying it's terribly written, it's just not well written. Maybe the lack of visuals hurts it for me...I'm not sure.

I'll tell you this, Dan - I think if you had edited this a few more times and cleaned it up a bit, I'd have  a much different take on it.  There is potential here, IMO, but it's not quite realized.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for the feedback, Jeff. It's exactly what I was looking for in your review.

I'll have a look at the settings on Trelby and see what I can do.

Quoted from JC Cleveland Personally, I don't like the idea of a SUPER in an INT scene like this.

Okay. Would you rather me start it with an EXT with the SUPER and then go into the tent? The original version did have one of those, but I had to cut it out for the MP contest.

Quoted from JC Cleveland Carson's intro is awkwardly worded and ends in an orphan.

Excuse the ignorance, but what's an orphan? I've never heard that term before.

Apologies for the comma abuse and awkwardly phrased writing. I've tried to incorporate the things I've learned on SS. Maybe not enough?

By "unnatural flow" what exactly do you mean? Would you rather complete sentences? I know with this one I tried to keep it as short as possible, which meant breaking a lot of rules I learned in English last year. Is that the issue?

Point taken with the screaming. There are lines I didn't mean to have screaming.

Thanks again Jeff. I appreciate your honesty and take on the script. I do plan on giving this another polish soon. Hopefully I can get another decent draft punched out. If not, I guess it's back to re-writing.

Cheers,

Dan

Orphans are when 1 word falls onto the next line all by itself.  they are usually caused by overwriting, and can usually easily be done away with, saving yourself a line.

Yeah, IMO, if you're going to use a SUPER, it might as well be an EXT scene where you can "see" something - inside a bland tent doesn't allow for anything, if you know what I mean.

The writing it not bad, as I said, but it just doesn't "flow" quite right.  Personally, I do prefer whole sentences, but you definitely don't have to write like you would on an English assignment.

I guess it's hard to explain without going into alot of detail.  For instance, the Flashback scene in the battle should be a very powerful scene.  It should be very hectic and tense, but it just doesn't read that way at all...not to me, at least.

As I said, your idea is a strong one, and that's a great start.  The more you write, the better you'll get at it.  And, the more you read, the more you'll understand what works and what doesn't...and why.  As I always say, reading poorly written scripts actually is a great way to learn how not to write, just like watching crappy movies gives you an idea of how to write the same movie better, if that makes sense.

Aha. That all makes sense, now. Thanks Jeff (you're gonna get sick of hearing me say that soon ).

You've given some excellent food for thought. There's nothing I appreciate more.

Thanks Jeff (SORRY!!)

Dan

Dan,

As I said in the PM, I read this a few days ago, but was too mentally exhausted to give you the feedback it deserved then. I really enjoyed the short when I read it then, and I enjoyed it just as much on the second reading. For the most part, it was very well written. I like the way you write, bro.

I’d maybe have the first shot an exterior of the battle camp. And then jump to the interior of the tent. I personally think that would establish the setting better.

First description is a little bit dodgy as well mate, as you repeat the slug. I’m notoriously guilty of this, but have been trying my hardest to minimise these errors...

Also, I’m a little bit confused as to how dark the initial setting is. The only reason I ask, is you say “A match is STRUCK, illuminating the irritated face of HENRY CALLIGER”, and I therefore assumed that it was dark, until the match was lit. But you describe Carson appearance in detail beforehand, which makes me assume that it’s not so dark? Minor issue, though. But the dark setting would make the establishing exterior shot even more useful, as people may have a hard time seeing/ understanding what the hell is going on, if it is really dark and gloomy in the tent.

Weird typo with the “Carson’s stretcher” line on p. 1.

P. 1- Damon’s line: “Carson, you're in a military compound. The same one you've been in for months.” This read a bit unnatural, and on-the-nose for my liking.

Page 2- Carson: “It's a death trap on Codine!” I’ve never heard this expression before. What is Codine? Do you mean codeine? Even s till, I've never heard this before.

Page 2- Carson’s line: “Shit! Right, time to go!” is redundant in my opinion. He brakes cover right after this, so I mean, is it important that we know it is “time to go”? Isn't us seeing him brake cover enough?

You use quite a lot of exclamation marks in the dialogue as well, man. But I can’t talk too loud, as I’m also quite guilty of this.

Now the ending, as much as I like it, I feel like it needs to end where it begins - in the tent. Maybe move Carson's final line of dialogue (the "right?") to the tent instead? Or something like that. I just feel that if it ends where it begins, it would feel slightly more resolved.

But yeah, overall, I liked this one. Good work, man.

Toby.

P.S. I haven’t read any of the other reviews people have given this, and by the page count of this thread, I can see there have been quite a few. So I do apologise if some of the comments I have made have been made prior.