Hey there Khamanna,

I've been meaning to get to this one for a while, but just haven't been bothered. Anyway, I finally got a chance to read this and I liked what I saw. This was a nice tale showing the struggles of doing a simple thing of letting go. While others may find it easy, it's the young ones that really find it hard.

Others have mentioned the writing in this one. I think it was fine. Perfectly written with just the right amount of visuals to help.

The dialogue was good. I think you may have given this one a re-write if I'm not mistaken?? I remember looking at it and it only had five pages. If anything, be careful with keeping it stilted. I noticed a few times you have sentences in the dialogue that were just one-worders. For example on Page 4 you have Dana say: "Together. Huh? Today." - I don't know, to me the full-stops just make it seem a little forced. Almost as if you're trying to evoke MORE drama from the characters by putting more emphasis on certain words. The Drama is already there. No need to add more to it. Just my two cents.

Otherwise, this truly was a touching story. Easy to film. I'd say expect an email from a producer any time soon

Dan

This seemed to be getting some positive feedback, so I gave it a read considering it was quite short.  But the shortness didn't effect the quality at all.

I, personally, enjoy moving and touching things like this.  And wow, did it pack a punch.  Very moving, very emotional, and very well written.  Great job with this.  

I'm glad you didn't rely too much on description and just made it too the point, but it still remained quite touching.  Dana is a great character, and I can relate with her on a personal level and I can also relate with this story.  I was very moved by it, and the pithy and fast pacing helped move things along.

Like others have said, I still find some of the dialogue a little unrealistic and, in some places, cliched.  But sometimes cliched is good.  It didn't effect the quality at all, and I still find this to be a very good short piece of writing to be proud of.  A very good drama.  Handled well.  

Great job!  You go girl!  I'd be proud if I'd written this, I'm glad I checked it out!  Sorry I can't offer any "new" feedback, seeing as my critique is similar to those before it, but still, more feedback is always good.

-- Curtis

@ColinField - thanks, I made changes to that sentence. Here's about the ending - Christina decided not to move on. She's not going to accept her dad's death, for her he's alive, and she'll never let him go, just like she won't ever let go of the kite that they made together. Sorry, it confused you)

@Daniel, thanks - I'll look up that moment and other moments like that. Yeah, Mark helped me a lot with dialog, so I rewrote it. It probably needs another go. Mark sent me a lot of changes but I haven't used them all - I'll look up his suggestions again. I do have a tendency to use these short sentences. Thanks!

@ Hey AmbitionIsKey. Would be good to know your name but maybe soon)) Thanks, I'm glad you liked it.

And big thanks to Mark Lyon who provided a lot of suggestions to this!

Sorry!  Edit my post with my name.  You can shorten it to Curt or give me a nickname, whatever, haha.

PS. I liked the short sentences

Khamanna

Page by page notes

“INT. CHRISTINA’S HOUSE - KITCHEN – DAY”

- Not important I know but shouldn’t it phrased differently? For example: CHRISTINA’S HOME or (insert family surname) HOME. As it’s written, it gives the impression that Christina owns the house when she’s only 13!

“Dana walks to a door, makes sure Christina is not in a view.”

- Remove the “a” before “view”

MRS. WHITE
Dana, you know I’m very fond of
Christina, but I can’t lie - she’s
been mentioning her dad to the
kids. As if he’s not you know... as
if he’s alive. And the kids know...

- No fault of yours but I anticipated this before the above dialogue. I think the giveaway was when Dana goes to take the third plate away. I understand that you want to include some subtle hint for the reader to recognize in hindsight but why would Dana do this and not play along with the delusion? I know she readily acquiesces when Christina stops her from taking it away but why even do it in the first place?

Dana also seems very together and well adjusted to her husband being dead. I’d imagine she would be falling to pieces with Christina’s “role playing” and really struggling to keep a brave face in front of her daughter but she appears to be taking it well in her stride…almost too well…

“Dana shuts the door behind.”

- Might read better as:

Dana shuts the door behind her

“She shuts the front door behind.”

- Same as above, include "her" at the end. Although, I try to refrain from repeating phrasing like that unless I’m trying to stress a point or a visual cue.

CHRISTINA
We both decided on this, remember?
It’s not forever...

Dana nods. She pulls Christina to her bosom. Closes her eyes
and sways.

DANA
Others won’t get it. They’ll call
us insane.

- Mmm, I sense a dark twist on the cards…

Good job with this. My above comment was said in readiness of Dana having killed her husband or some kind of unsettling delusion they were both caught up in. However you took things in a far more, uplifting, life affirming direction, and it was all the better for it.

I loved the symbolism of the kite being released. I interpret the ending as somewhat bittersweet since in one way, the love Christina has for her father and refusal to let me go is admirable and inspiring but another way of looking at it is that her reluctance to face the tragic truth is slightly worrying and may have repercussions further down the road. Yet, like I said, it’s only been a month so some allowance should be made to let her grieve and accept the loss in her own way and time and she comes across as a precocious young girl who knows truth from lies.

I still questioned Dana’s ability to be so brave so soon after her husband’s death but the closing scene of her breaking down remedies that to a degree.
Nice work overall, solid, clean writing backed up by a moving, though not sentimental, story and I defy anyone not to be endeared to Christina’s character.

Well done.

Col.

@Curt - nice to meet you!

@Col - thank you, concrete grammar amends are gifts I always treasure!  I'll read some of your stuff in the near future.

Hello khamamna,

I really liked the story. It is sad and touching story. I have only one note. Maybe you only need "no kite in her hands".  Wait until her mother looks for the kite and say "no kite in her hand". Anyway, that is just an idea. This is my first critic. Great job overall.

Hodan

Ps my script is Our Little Cupid. I am not sure how to attach,  but when you find it, please give a glance. It is not the final draft, by the way.  

Thanks, HodanAhmed for the read! I really wanted her to have the kite later on - so everyone sees that she's not ready to let go of her dad.

I'll check out your script one of these days.

Hey Khamanna,

I enjoyed this one a lot, but there's one thing in particular which bugs me: the dialogue between Dana and Christina after the teacher's office. To me, it's way overwritten. For me, lines like :"Then we have to start accepting it. Dad is no longer with us. He’s--"

Could definitely be, at the most: "Then we have to start accepting--"

"It’s official then. ...From now on it’s just the two of us at dinner. No third plate."

Could easily be: "It's official then. No more third plate at dinner."

And the line: "That way we’ll let HIM go. Say yes and I’ll believe you. It’s hard for me to let him go, too," to me, could just disappear.

I would argue that death and acceptance of death are very much more powerful in art when we don't directly speak of them. Maybe this is because that's what we tend to do in life, too. In any case, I think that a powerful aspect of shared grief is the way it's felt without being spoken, and I think this scene would benefit a lot from adhering to that. That's why, in my view, the first scene works so well. Dana's line, the last I reference above, is probably the biggest offender for me, because it seems to me that these are things they would both very clearly understand about themselves and each other. They know what the kite means. The audience knows what the kite means. It needn't be said.

The final scenes kick ass and in general I think this'd be a great flick for someone to shoot. But I do think that dialogue needs to be seriously retooled and seriously reduced.

Good stuff!

Chris

Hey, Chris - thank you! I really appreciate concrete pieces of dialog and that you gave me pointers on how to revise it.

Hey Khamanna,

Meant to get round to reading this earlier in the week, but couldn't find the time.

I'm glad I finally did make the time though, as this was a great little story. Apart from some of the dialogue being slightly overwritten (I agree wholeheartedly with everything Heretic said), this script was very well written The ending made me smile as well; I'm glad Christina did not let the kite fly away.

So yeah, good work

Sorry I couldn't actually provide you with anything constructive for you to change. improve in a subsequent rewrite! That's why I sometimes hate reviewing good scripts, as they make me appear lazy

All the best.

Toby.

Thank you, Toby.

I'll give it another read - good to see someone is agreeing with someone else - that makes the decision process easier for me)

Hi Khamanna,

I thought this was a strong enough piece. I really can't say much by way of criticism without going out of my way to nitpick; the writing worked well enough for me.

Two things that did stand out as problematic, however, were the scene with Mrs. White and the ending.

The exchange between Dana and Mrs. White could've been fine but I couldn't help but think it was strange for Mrs. White to come all the way over to the house. Their exchange barely lasts a moment and hardly merits a sitdown visit like this. If Mrs. White had shown up unexpectedly, they might've had it at the door before Mrs. White was off. Even so, I don't see why she couldn't have called or made an appointment with Dana.

Honestly, I think it'd be better if you didn't have the scene at all and rather merely made mention of it during the talk with Christina, which you do. I suppose you could fill it in a little more were you indeed to omit the scene. Anyway, from a practical perspective, producers would appreciate having to hire one less actor for the shoot. But so as not to be thinking strictly in those terms, I think that it'd work better dramatically for this meeting to have already occurred and for Dana to have been mulling it over since before deciding to have her talk with Christina. I mean, the way you have it now, Dana meets with Mrs. White and immediately opts to confront Christina without any reflection upon the conversation she's just had. Christina's a grieving teenager, which merits a delicate situation even without taking the details into consideration. I think it' be in Dana's best interests to exercise some discretion.

Overall, the scene simply feels awkward and is kind of necessary IMO.

Moving along, I read your script twice. The first time, I might have inadvertently skimmed a few details because at the end, what you were trying to convey did indeed come across (I'm not inferring by the way; I read your previous comments). That is to say, Christina made a conscious decision not to move on, keep the kite to herself, and scrawled the note on it as a reminder of her decision.

After the second read, I realized things didn't quite fit. How did Christina return home without the kite and yet have the kite in her room at the end? It makes no sense... unless you were getting at the idea that her father had intervened metaphysically somehow. Someone else brought this up earlier and you stepped in to debunk this notion. Which means, this isn't going to fly, no pun intended. Again, how did the kite end up in Christina's room if she didn't have it when she returned from the park?

My solution would be that Christina hides it outside somewhere where she can (and will) retrieve it later. I don't see how else it can work. I mean, she can't exactly sneak it in behind her back.

Other than that, a decent read. Hope this helps.

Thank you James for the read and comments.

I see what you mean - I actually didn't understand last time I heard that the father perhaps brought it in. Now I see - it's confusing that she comes in without at first. I thought the audience figure out that she brought it in earlier or something. I could make her pick up the kite later, or have it tied to a tree perhaps.

My plan is to leave it like that for now and then, when it's getting produced tell the director.

Several producers asked for it. I actually don't know what to do - One very good producer asked for it, but he can't produce it right away, only in two months. So we left it at a handshake option.
Now another one came along, with several productions behind her back and all - I don't know what to do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRUqTFNaEZE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRUqTFNaEZE

So, shortwars.org made two different movies on the same script. It's on competition basis - at first they choose a script, then a crew. Then two crews compete for being the ultimate winner in this comp. If yuo don't know about this competition - go to shortwars.org and look for the dates - they run it every year and pay handsomely by the way.

I want to put up a banner for one here but don't know which one to chose - Wilmington University version won, but Del Tech's version better sits with me... so I don't know.