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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Man Watcher Moderators: bert
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  Author    Man Watcher  (currently 6384 views)
Forgive
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Quoted from irish eyes
Just for my own state of mind... Can someone point out if I'm right or wrong about the use of  O.S and V.O


Wrong ... The actor can be in the scene, and still be V.O., as long as the seen actor is not the one seen speaking.

With O.S. the actor is in the same time/place -- even if he is outside the room/house - but the ones on screen can hear him speak, which could not be true of V.O.

It is 'screen' that counts more than 'scene'.

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alffy
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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A few more questions to answer...

Steve (coop), I wonder if you wrote this after the match last night...stinging lol
Sorry this didn't work for you.  The 24/7 thing was meant to be taken literally so I guess I could drop that bit, I thought that with Davidson saying it, it would have a harder impact on Michael.  Some of the points I've answered previously but I'm glad you liked this...only kidding, sorry it wasn't for you.

Steve, thanks for the read.  I guess something happened with the spacing at the beginning?  Think must have happened when converting to pdf as it was fine on Finaldraft.

Quoted from SteveUK
You have Michael rubbing his head, and then seconds later rubbing his brow. Try to vary up his actions a little.

I did, I had him rubbing his head twice lol.

Quoted from SteveUK
The last piece of dialogue on the page should be said by Davidson, not Michael.

erm...well spotted, steve.

Thanks for checking this out.

I guess I need to strengthen the dialgue a bit.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Nomad
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from alffy
It's a bit of backstory that I couldn't/didn't want to add as it would make the short too long.


That's a great backstory.  If you could drop some hints as to all of this, the script would be much better.

I'll re-read it and see where you might be able to fit some of this in.

Nice job.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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alffy
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Jordan.  It would make more aense if I could get this in but I'm not sure I could achieve it without a large segment of waffling (talking).


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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I'm confused about this tale.

SPOILERS! (Forgot to add spoilers)

I like the tension. For a second there, I thought Davidson was one of Michael's personalities. I'm curious to know how the Man Watcher got out without getting caught by the police? Did he fake being a agent?

We don't know much about the Man Watchers. What's they're purpose? Maybe finding out about that will help with this script.

I'm neutral about this. Didn't hate it, but didn't like it.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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alffy
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gabe,


Quoted from Mr. Ripley
I'm curious to know how the Man Watcher got out without getting caught by the police? Did he fake being a agent?


Not sure how to answer this one.  Davidson would just tell the police he worked for the organisation and hope he wasn't arrested lol.  After all he called the police and had to explain his fears on the phone.

Jordan brought up the fact that we need to know about the Man Watchers and although I have the backstory in my head, I didn't include it.  I'll try and fit it in though as a lot of readers suggest it would help.

Thanks for the read, Gabe.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Alffy, notes as I go...

Page 1 - Top margin is way off.  Don't number Page 1 - leave it blank and start numbering on page 2 with "2".

No time frame in opening Slug - not good!

Opening passage is not good at all.  First sentence isn't a sentence at all, as there's no verb.  2nd sentence is extremely awkward and again, not even a sentence. - not the way you want to jump out of the gate.

I thought they were in a hotel?  Why would Michael ask why Davidson is in his house?

Passages are not properly broken up.

Dialogue does not sound remotely believable.

You're going to be pissed, but I'm stopping already.  None of these lines contain sentences and they're all so awkwardly worded.  Lots of completely unnecessary description as well.

Sorry, mate...
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alffy
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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Jeff, I think something happed to the file when i created the pdf, that's my excuse for the strange gaps here and there.

No excuse for the sentences.  I will of course thrash myself a number of times for these mistakes.

Michael doesn't know he's in a hotel as he has had a memory lapse.

Don't worry about not finishing, I'm not surprised. I'm not pissed as pleasing you seems to be extremely difficult.


Quoted from Dreamscale
None of these lines contain sentences

eh?


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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The vast majority of your action/description lines are fragments, in that they don't contain a verb.  It's not engaging reading at all.

Sorry.  I don't mean to be so harsh.
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alffy
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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The harshness doesn't bother me, Jeff, I know you too well by now. lol

Surely you must agree though that all writers write differently.  I've read a lot of scripts in my time here and some overwrite (me normally) and some bullet point their descriptions.  I wouldn't say one was right and one was wrong though.  I understand the opening few lines don't contain a verb but they are just the descriptions of the surroundings.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Forgive
Posted: January 23rd, 2013, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the script, and didn't really go into any of the writing so much as I felt the story was compelling enough and could sit well as a short - produceable, I guess.

It's always a bit of a judgement call when it comes to writing, and even though it's not supposed to be a  grammar lesson, I guess some stuff should be done right.

So, the first sentence lacks a subject, and the second sentence is passive. This can easily irritate some people, but others might call it pedantic to wheeze on about it too much - and what you're trying to do is create a 'feel' to the script.

I think that finding a way between the two is all part of the learning curve.
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DV44
Posted: January 25th, 2013, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Alffy,

Interesting concept, the man wakes up to find a stranger watching him from across the room. The beginning of the story was a bit off for me because when Michael awakes to see Davidson he asks him "what are you doing in my house"? Now that's seems like a natural thing to say and I can't speak for you but I live in a small house with a small bedroom which doesn't have room for a chair + a small table over in the corner of the room. It would seem that Michael's bedroom and hotel room would have to be the same size for Michael to mistaken that. I would think that when Michael wakes up he's first noticing the different bed, shape of the room, then finally Davidson sitting in the corner. His dialogue would then start with Where am I? Who are you? Just me nitpicking.

I liked the story overall, would love to get a back story to who the Man Watchers are.

Take care and best of luck should you expand this to a feature.

- Dirk
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alffy
Posted: January 26th, 2013, 4:45am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Dirk.

I like your suggestion about Michael realising his whereabouts.  I'm trying to think of a way to include the backstory without dragging it out or in a way that feels unnatural.

Glad you liked the story.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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danbotha
Posted: January 27th, 2013, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony,

I've been wanting to get to this one for a while and I finally got the opportunity to get to it this morning. I quite liked this. I thought it was a cool little tale with a twist (I think) that worked.

The big spacing issue on page 6 has already been mentioned so I won't dwell on that for longer than I need to.

I loved the opening visuals. Very clear and to the point. It sets the tone for the rest of the piece perfectly. I'm quite big on setting and you handled it brilliantly here. Very good.

"What, who, who are you?" - You have a number of lines like this which I just don't think read naturally. Maybe it's the way I read it but to me it seems a little rushed, than paced. For example, I read the sentence above more like this...

"Whatwhowhoareyou?"

Than this...

"What... Who... Who are you?" - It's a nitpick, I know, but I think using something other than a comma to set the pacing might be the better option, here. To me it just reads better that way.

Other than that, I did really like it. Knowing me, I would have added a couple Flashbacks in there just to really emphasize Michael's backstory. Then again, I'm a fan of Flashbacks and will use the opportunity to use them wherever I can. Each to their own, I guess.

Well done,

Dan


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alffy
Posted: January 27th, 2013, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers for checking this out Dan.  I held of with the flashbacks as it would be easier to shoot in its present format; 1 location.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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