I appreciate the idea of the excercise, but the story was two bare-boned.  It needs to be fleshed out.  There are examples of what you're trying to do on the boards.  One of my favorite scripts, here, is Someplace Nice And Dark, a short that Bert did way back when.


Phil

Alffy,

Thought I'd return the read. Then I forgot about it for a few days. But a few minutes ago I remembered. So I decided this time I'd actually do it.

It was either that or doing the washing. Of my clothes I mean. Personally I'm spotless and fragrant. Well, almost.

I haven't read previous comments. It would takes ages and this washing's got to get done sometime. I'm down to a one sock, a Jethro Tull t-shirt and some yellow shorts. I do hope I manage it before I run out of butter.

Moving on to the actual script... Nearly, comments as I read. I don't even really like Jethro Tull. Bit too flutey.

The start reminds me of those hard boiled gumshoe detective stories. Not neccesarily a bad thing. Just that it's been done a lot before. I think it's the hat on the table that did it. You don't state what type of hat, so I'm probably projecting a fedora. Still, you didn't say it wasn't. It'd be funny if it was a fez. But it might ruin your atmostphere.

I think a character saying 'Where am I?' makes them sound a bit daft. I'd prefer 'Where is this?'

It's a bit pedanty of me, if that's even a word, but you have to be careful with the commas. 'Michael please,' is what you'd say on the phone if you wanted to talk to Michael. Davidson would actually say 'Michael, please. I've told... etc'

Most people would let that go. But I can be a bit of an arse. Then again, most people have no idea where to put commas or apostrophes. They now they should be there somewhere, so they throw them about like a farmer throwing seeds in a field. I don't mean you, Alffy. I was talking generally, probably bigging myself up. Hmm, there's a joke there, but it's too dirty.

At this point in the script I'm getting amnesia from Michael. This is a bit of a trope in films. I'd have preferred Michael rubbing the top of his arm and seeing a small mark so realising he's been given an injection earlier. But it's still early days, so I can't be sure where you're going yet.

I note later you managed to put the comma in 'Please, Michael.' in exactly the right spot.

I keep mentioning what I'd have done over what you did. This is probably down to ego and the fact, unlike butter, I have too much of it. Anyways 'Davidson slowly ejects his empty hand from his jacket.' doesn't sound quite right. 'pulls' would have worked far better. To eject slowly is mixing things. 'Ejects' implies speed. It sounds like something Martin Hannett would say to Joy Division.

I could go on picking on things like words and punctuation. Instead I'll have a dabble at the dialogue. I think you could strengthen it a bit. It feels a bit too friendly. I think it needs to be a bit more tense and sinister. Davidson seems too verbose and helpful with the facts,

There's a big gap on page six. I'm presuming you just carried away with your Enter key.

Finished. The end seems a bit harsh. I'm not sure it entirely fits with the rest. Overall, not a bad idea. But it needs a bit more work. I didn't quite buy Davidson's story. I might have if a relative or someone was paying him. I think the fact it's the first we hear of the daughter didn't quite sit right.

Still, overall not bad. I feel a little harsh myself now. Mind you, I'll get over it.

Now, I'm off to buy some butter. And perhaps another sock.

R

  
  

Ha, rendevous, your review is probably more entertaining than my script lol.  Cheers for the read and the comments.  I intended to go back to this but then I was contacted by a guy who wanted to shoot it so I left it alone...which he seems to have done too

I keep saying this but I do intend to post some new stuff up soon.  I've plenty of shorts just sat on my laptop but I can't be arsed to submit them lol.

This was really good.  It was a fast read, but, it was a bit odd.  I enjoyed it, but, after reading some of the comments, have to agree.  The fact that Michael was so easy to buy everything sold to him bothered me.  And where was the other body?  

I guess I wanted this to be neatly wrapped up, and to a point, it was, but, we have no way of knowing if anything said to him was true.  We don't see anything.

But, it was good tension wise, if what was said was true.

Dan

Cheers, Dan.

You don't see anything as I wanted to write something with two characters in one location, in a hope someone might want to film it...which they did...but then didn't lol.

I'm glad you enjoyed it though, and everything that was said was true.