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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Family Man Moderators: bert
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DV44
Posted: February 27th, 2013, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary,

I've enjoyed a couple of your short stories now. Let me know if I can help with any future scripts. I'll give them a read before you post.

Take care,

-Dirk
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Beckett
Posted: July 22nd, 2013, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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hey hawkeye

This is a late review but it was on script of the day and i read some of your other stuff and gave it a go. i like this, but not as much as last rites.
i haven't read all the comments above but you could move the first conversation from a restaurant to somewhere else less public. this would help stop the incriminating evidence.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: July 22nd, 2013, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Well, well, well.  I finally got a script of the day shout out.  What do you know!

Thanks for the read, Beck--I think you're correct on this.  I should change the opening to a different locale, like a park or an office.    I also think I need to change the ending to where he shows less emotion (i.e., no crying).

Thanks again!

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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DanBall
Posted: July 22nd, 2013, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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I read this because it resurfaced on the portal because it was the Script of the Day. lol

Not bad for a writing exercise. I'm still new at reading scripts, but I think I'm starting to tell the difference between scripts that are cliche by accident and some that are cliche on purpose to put a twist on things. This one seems intentional. That being said, I think you can get away with trimming down the cliche parts at the restaurant to a bare minimum because the audience will probably already get the idea.

One suggestion I'd make is to move the phone conversation up to the beginning, as he's walking in to see Costa. That way, you can just shorten the car drive to a couple of lines.

At the warehouse, I think you've got a good thing going, but I think this is where you can really spice it up and mess with the audience. Instead of dwelling on Frankie, cut it down to a line or two and then have one of the goombas say something like, "Hey, we better do this quick. Lombardo wants it done yesterday." Or something to that effect that'll put pressure on them to speed things up and make sure it's done right. When it's revealed that Tommy's the target, Parisi wants to slow down and think things through, but can't because he's already passed the time limit. I don't know, but as it is right now, you've got a pretty wide-open space to work with. I can see it being really good.

At the end, I'm on the fence about the dialogue after the reveal. Part of me thinks you could get away with just them smiling at each other in relief, but another part of me thinks you should have at least one line. What you've got feels drawn out more than necessary.


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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Gary in Houston
Posted: July 22nd, 2013, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Dan!  Some good suggestions there, especially about the phone conversation and urgency of the situation.   Appreciate the read and will take those ideas into consideration in a rewrite.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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