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I thought I posted to this the other day when I had read it, but I guess it didn't take.
I enjoyed the 'Last Temptation' script, I thought it was funny, and I would've certainly checked this one out sooner if I had seen it.
I liked it just as much, if not more, than the Temptation script.
The highlights for me were the 'Simon, whom I call Peter, not the Simon whom I call Simon' part, the part where Peter denies Jesus three times, then says he hates it when he's right, and of course, the bread part. (That bread part made this story work for me. I loved it.)
However, the part where Simon and Bob go scout out a hobo in Manhattan fell really flat for me, and just seemed to add unnecessary length to me.
But besides that, it was a really enjoyable script to me. It seemed to end with a little bit of a fizzle. Maybe there's a way to end it on a more humoruos note to keep in tone with the rest of the story?
But, it may be a little too late for a rewrite at this stage, isn't it? Congratulations on being able to get this one into production!
I look forward to seeing both of the stories you have in production very soon.
However, the part where Simon and Bob go scout out a hobo in Manhattan fell really flat for me, and just seemed to add unnecessary length to me.
I totally agree, this was a "groaner" for me... for some reason I felt I had to find the "water guy". but easily be cut out.
Quoted from Mark
It seemed to end with a little bit of a fizzle. Maybe there's a way to end it on a more humoruos note to keep in tone with the rest of the story?
Again I agree big time, I kinda rushed it and I would have liked to do a rewrite but then I was approached about filming it, so I left it and concentrated on the 6WC instead.
I already have ideas for more of the series it's just getting the time to sit down and write.
Hey Mark, Just read another Jesus story. Man, the conservatives would have issues with this one...
I liked how you carried some of the jokes (the Devil midget for ex) from the first one to this one. It's really funny.
I also liked how the Devil was shocked at what he was wearing. Perhaps you could have him say that God dressed him and that's why he left heaven or something like that...
I thought it dragged on a bit. I didn't really get the ending as an ending, not like the first one I read. This just arbitrarily ended.
There were quite a few typos which shocked me. Let me see if I can find them and list them for you:
This isn't a typo, but, when Satan says he's "Bob the lucky leprechaun" it'd be funnier if he looks at his costume and then says it angrily, like he didn't dress himself.
Page 2, when Peter says "I'm Simon, yet I'm called Peter." Wouldn't it be better to say "I'm Simon, yet HE calls me Peter?"
1A page 3, Bob says "You want this guy to go out into the city, alone, I made add. Shouldn't it be I MIGHT add?
1. Bottom page 3, there is an extra space between a pint (it reads "with a pint in his hands."
2. page 5, the drunk says "It's bud. Tastes like water. Has the same alcohol contents too." Shouldn't it be Has the same alcohol content too?
3. Page 5, pretty sure that the Wizard of Oz and Kook and the Gang should be in caps, not lower case like you have them.
4. How does one be at the head of a rectangular table?? Just my question...
5. page 9 the midget says he's sure those words will go in history. Isn't it go DOWN in history?
6. Bottom page 9 you have Jesus say to Peter that he will disown him 3 times before sun rise. Isn't it SUNRISE? One word?
7. page 12 you have Leroy say "Wait till the guys at the Midget Bowling Club, get a load of this. Why is there a comma between club and get?
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
Hey Mark, Just read another Jesus story. Man, the conservatives would have issues with this one...
I liked how you carried some of the jokes (the Devil midget for ex) from the first one to this one. It's really funny.
I also liked how the Devil was shocked at what he was wearing. Perhaps you could have him say that God dressed him and that's why he left heaven or something like that...
I thought it dragged on a bit. I didn't really get the ending as an ending, not like the first one I read. This just arbitrarily ended.
There were quite a few typos which shocked me. Let me see if I can find them and list them for you:
This isn't a typo, but, when Satan says he's "Bob the lucky leprechaun" it'd be funnier if he looks at his costume and then says it angrily, like he didn't dress himself.
Page 2, when Peter says "I'm Simon, yet I'm called Peter." Wouldn't it be better to say "I'm Simon, yet HE calls me Peter?"
1A page 3, Bob says "You want this guy to go out into the city, alone, I made add. Shouldn't it be I MIGHT add?
1. Bottom page 3, there is an extra space between a pint (it reads "with a pint in his hands."
2. page 5, the drunk says "It's bud. Tastes like water. Has the same alcohol contents too." Shouldn't it be Has the same alcohol content too?
3. Page 5, pretty sure that the Wizard of Oz and Kook and the Gang should be in caps, not lower case like you have them.
4. How does one be at the head of a rectangular table?? Just my question...
5. page 9 the midget says he's sure those words will go in history. Isn't it go DOWN in history?
6. Bottom page 9 you have Jesus say to Peter that he will disown him 3 times before sun rise. Isn't it SUNRISE? One word?
7. page 12 you have Leroy say "Wait till the guys at the Midget Bowling Club, get a load of this. Why is there a comma between club and get?
What did ever happen to James?
Hope that helps.
Dan
Hey Dan thanks for the review and informative notes. Another one I should've posted the updated version on. I actually like this better than Temptations... but that's just my opinion
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The Unlikely Last Supper
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