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The Unlikely Last Supper by Mark Moore (irish eyes) - Short, Comedy - Things don't go according to plan for Jesus, after an unexpected visitor shows up. 13 pages - pdf, format
I think I had the same problems with this script as I did with Unlikely Temptations. While it was funny, it dragged on a bit. You could probably trim three pages from it.
How's it going, buddy? Busy fixing some light bulbs no doubt.
I gave this one a quick glance. I don't have much to add - I actually don't see any difference between this and the version I read a little while back... has it changed at all?
So my comments are basically the same. I thought this had some funny moments but it's too long and overstays its welcome. I also didn't care for the amount of characters, especially towards the end where I think you could get rid of the Hostess and Shirley. Just have Michelle - she's the only one that matters.
And the punchline at the end was weak for me, considering I had to read through 12 pages to get to it.
However, like I say, I did enjoy moments of this so well done on that part. It just needs to be little shorter and the ending needs to pack more of a laugh, IMO.
Now I know what you mean by copyright infringement haha
So first things first, probably wouldn't include a song by the Rolling Stones in this one. whilst funny, there's no way you're going to get the rights.
Overall, this was a mixed bag for me. Some logistical issues that I had a hard time wrapping my head around...at first. Obviously I had no idea what was going on when it first started. The midget didn't help matters (this is the one time in the history of entertainment that a midget has made something more problematic for me). Was just too out of left field.
Some high points- really liked the bread bit, turning water into wine, having dinner at hooter's, and simon gag (my favorite out of the bunch)
In fact, I think you should play up the whole hooters/Jesus aspect.
Overall, I think this needs to be trimmed. Tempted to say you should start it at hooter's. One thing I realized while writing Bedtime Bible Stories is that most biblical jokes work in a short time span. Make a scene to lengthy and you lose most people (because they don't get the inside jokes).
I'll start with a negative and say this was a little long but then I was surprised that it ended when it did.
On the other hand, this was very funny and Bob was brilliant. At one point I thought he was going to quote 'BlackAdder' with 'You know Jesus, we got off to bad start... and middle and perhaps not gonna be a great ending but' lol.
Anyway this had some funny moments and funny situations, Hooters being the best. I think you could either trim off some fat OR add more to the story.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
First off, I love scripts which do things like put Jesus and his crew in New York and take them to hooters. Great potential. Then throw in a midget, for no apparent reason other than its funny, and it gets better. So good basis.
What I liked further is that it was clever in parts linking in the bible, the story of the actual last super etc, as well as modern stuff. Keep playing on the contrast.
Otherwise, I agree with the others on length and focus, but these can all be worked on. One other observation I made was to keep some of the dialogue, especially the retorts, as short as possible to maximise the punch. A couple of bobs lines I thought could be sharper, more pointed.
I also like the parallel with his temptation at which point you could bring his 40days and nights challenge and how hooters is harder!
For giving this a chance of production, you could consider it taking place just at hooters and try and work it around that constraint. Not sure how, but then again they do just appeal in an apartment so why not elsewhere?
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Not much difference, because I posted it the night before you reviewed it
Okay, that makes sense. No wonder it looked no different.
I actually thought that you hadn't bothered taking any of my comments on board and with the kind of gibberish I come up with, I would have hardly of blamed you.
Hi Mark; Enjoyed your Gospel According to Bob...Though not familiar with the character, liked his satirical look at the sacred event, particularly the Simon/Simon exchange...Suggest doing more with looks and gestures to tighten the dialogue (Very good example with the uneasy fist bump). The comparison to Satan doesn't really connect for me, unless he was in a devil costume ...Perhaps he would more likely confuse him with St. Patrick? Fun, imaginative story which would lend itself nicely to an adult animation project. Thanks for laughs.
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
I thought I posted to this the other day when I had read it, but I guess it didn't take.
I enjoyed the 'Last Temptation' script, I thought it was funny, and I would've certainly checked this one out sooner if I had seen it.
I liked it just as much, if not more, than the Temptation script.
The highlights for me were the 'Simon, whom I call Peter, not the Simon whom I call Simon' part, the part where Peter denies Jesus three times, then says he hates it when he's right, and of course, the bread part. (That bread part made this story work for me. I loved it.)
However, the part where Simon and Bob go scout out a hobo in Manhattan fell really flat for me, and just seemed to add unnecessary length to me.
But besides that, it was a really enjoyable script to me. It seemed to end with a little bit of a fizzle. Maybe there's a way to end it on a more humoruos note to keep in tone with the rest of the story?
But, it may be a little too late for a rewrite at this stage, isn't it? Congratulations on being able to get this one into production!
I look forward to seeing both of the stories you have in production very soon.
However, the part where Simon and Bob go scout out a hobo in Manhattan fell really flat for me, and just seemed to add unnecessary length to me.
I totally agree, this was a "groaner" for me... for some reason I felt I had to find the "water guy". but easily be cut out.
Quoted from Mark
It seemed to end with a little bit of a fizzle. Maybe there's a way to end it on a more humoruos note to keep in tone with the rest of the story?
Again I agree big time, I kinda rushed it and I would have liked to do a rewrite but then I was approached about filming it, so I left it and concentrated on the 6WC instead.
I already have ideas for more of the series it's just getting the time to sit down and write.
Hey Mark, Just read another Jesus story. Man, the conservatives would have issues with this one...
I liked how you carried some of the jokes (the Devil midget for ex) from the first one to this one. It's really funny.
I also liked how the Devil was shocked at what he was wearing. Perhaps you could have him say that God dressed him and that's why he left heaven or something like that...
I thought it dragged on a bit. I didn't really get the ending as an ending, not like the first one I read. This just arbitrarily ended.
There were quite a few typos which shocked me. Let me see if I can find them and list them for you:
This isn't a typo, but, when Satan says he's "Bob the lucky leprechaun" it'd be funnier if he looks at his costume and then says it angrily, like he didn't dress himself.
Page 2, when Peter says "I'm Simon, yet I'm called Peter." Wouldn't it be better to say "I'm Simon, yet HE calls me Peter?"
1A page 3, Bob says "You want this guy to go out into the city, alone, I made add. Shouldn't it be I MIGHT add?
1. Bottom page 3, there is an extra space between a pint (it reads "with a pint in his hands."
2. page 5, the drunk says "It's bud. Tastes like water. Has the same alcohol contents too." Shouldn't it be Has the same alcohol content too?
3. Page 5, pretty sure that the Wizard of Oz and Kook and the Gang should be in caps, not lower case like you have them.
4. How does one be at the head of a rectangular table?? Just my question...
5. page 9 the midget says he's sure those words will go in history. Isn't it go DOWN in history?
6. Bottom page 9 you have Jesus say to Peter that he will disown him 3 times before sun rise. Isn't it SUNRISE? One word?
7. page 12 you have Leroy say "Wait till the guys at the Midget Bowling Club, get a load of this. Why is there a comma between club and get?
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
Hey Mark, Just read another Jesus story. Man, the conservatives would have issues with this one...
I liked how you carried some of the jokes (the Devil midget for ex) from the first one to this one. It's really funny.
I also liked how the Devil was shocked at what he was wearing. Perhaps you could have him say that God dressed him and that's why he left heaven or something like that...
I thought it dragged on a bit. I didn't really get the ending as an ending, not like the first one I read. This just arbitrarily ended.
There were quite a few typos which shocked me. Let me see if I can find them and list them for you:
This isn't a typo, but, when Satan says he's "Bob the lucky leprechaun" it'd be funnier if he looks at his costume and then says it angrily, like he didn't dress himself.
Page 2, when Peter says "I'm Simon, yet I'm called Peter." Wouldn't it be better to say "I'm Simon, yet HE calls me Peter?"
1A page 3, Bob says "You want this guy to go out into the city, alone, I made add. Shouldn't it be I MIGHT add?
1. Bottom page 3, there is an extra space between a pint (it reads "with a pint in his hands."
2. page 5, the drunk says "It's bud. Tastes like water. Has the same alcohol contents too." Shouldn't it be Has the same alcohol content too?
3. Page 5, pretty sure that the Wizard of Oz and Kook and the Gang should be in caps, not lower case like you have them.
4. How does one be at the head of a rectangular table?? Just my question...
5. page 9 the midget says he's sure those words will go in history. Isn't it go DOWN in history?
6. Bottom page 9 you have Jesus say to Peter that he will disown him 3 times before sun rise. Isn't it SUNRISE? One word?
7. page 12 you have Leroy say "Wait till the guys at the Midget Bowling Club, get a load of this. Why is there a comma between club and get?
What did ever happen to James?
Hope that helps.
Dan
Hey Dan thanks for the review and informative notes. Another one I should've posted the updated version on. I actually like this better than Temptations... but that's just my opinion
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