Hey Chris - I liked this, it was nicely worked and well pitched considering how spartan it was. I agree this would film quite nicely. There's enough there character-wise, as there's so little time for development in a short this short.

I liked the monster taking the water at the end, and I think your writing suited the scene you were writing.

My only gripe would be the use of the INT which probably wasn't really needed for such limited location changes.

Apart from that -- a nice piece.

@AmbitionIsKey - Thank you for reading! Sorry to hear your original comment didn't post. I'll just assume for ego purposes it said something to the effect of "You're amazing and funny and charming and damn handsome to boot." Thanks again, Curt!

@J.S. - I see what you're saying now. I know for the next draft I'm going to take out the bit about the thing feasting on the girl's fingers. You're right, the gore is pointless for this. I'm also going through with the cat idea. But a huge percentage of my thinking wants the thing under the bed to be shown -- even for just a split second -- near the end. I want to see a grinning, slightly inhuman face that smiles and hiccups. Try to watch some Fewdio shorts like Bedfellows, Creep, or Ninja Clown Monster to see where my influence is coming from. I don't want you to imagine a fully-lit, fully-exposed reveal. It's a shadowdy, in the dark, split-second reveal that makes your mind go, "WTF was that?" The kind of visual you want to rewind and pause just to get a better look at it. Thanks again for your feedback. It's much appreciated.

@alffy - Thanks for reading, alffy! I'm glad you enjoyed it. It is a very simple, but that's what I wanted to write.

@albinopenguin - Thanks for your feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed it for the most part. I'll make sure to get rid of the "CONTINUED"s with the next draft. I agree, the two characters I have are very two-dimensional, but luckily this one's not about them so it works regardless. Thanks again!

@DanBall - Loved your comment, thank you so much! I understand what you mean about seeing something more favorably after going through the comments. That's happened to me on several occasions with other scripts on this site. I agree, the reveal of the thing should be shadowed and indistinct (see my response to J.S. in this same post), which is exactly what I want to do with the next draft. Thanks again for reading!

@SciColl007 - Thank you for reading! I actually wrote this with one INT. at the beginning and end and using "BEDROOM" and "HALLWAY" when intercutting the scenes in the middle, but it just didn't look right. Probably because they blended so easily with the standalone HICCUP lines. If more people find it to be a problem, I'll change it. Thanks again!

I saw the shorts you were referring to. Thanks for hyper-linking them by the way.

I see where you're coming from. I'm not really a big fan of the monster jumps at you horror, but I kinda liked the "Creep". Actually, I guess I'm just not a big fan of people's/things' jerking reactions on screen in general. I have no idea why. I'm just not a fan. Maybe I've become immune to it or something. Who knows

Yea, you know, I don't know. I've given it a bit more thought now. I'm unsure about my earlier comments. I guess maybe because it is a strange creature we don't know, and that's kind of what you're going for, it might be appropriate to do what you wanted to do - not just the shadowy reveal, or split second reveal, but just "some" reveal. I'm thinking in the lines of what DanBall mentioned, and I got to thinking that if it was in fact something familiar to the audience then you wouldn't have to reveal it, but maybe reveal a part of it, or you only hear a sound of it, or whatever. That I like, and that would certainly work in my opinion. But I guess because it is a short, and because it is some strange creature, a reveal would probably be appropriate.

But yea, the gore is pointless. That's agreeable.

@J.S. - What's funny to me is that a majority of these Fewdio shorts are extremely involving, at least until the last three-or-so seconds. There's another horror short from Drew Daywalt called There's No Such Thing which also concerns a monster under the bed that is EXTREMELY effective. This short came to my attention after writing Hiccups, and I'm actually glad I watched it during my revision of Hiccups so I can try to avoid the same trappings. I just finished the newest draft of Hiccups this evening and will post it as soon as Don allows submissions again. I'm excited to hear what readers think of the changes. And I'm even more excited to get it down to four pages.

Also, thanks to this website, I have been in communication with three filmmakers interested in bringing this script to the screen, and I'll keep everyone posted with what happens next.

First of all I wouldn't even comment unless the script was written well. This script is written well. Nice flow... until right at the end. I wasn't expecting a horror script... from the logline I was expecting a guy scaring his girl to go too far, ie she is killed by misadventure and not a mystical beast suddenly appearing for no apparent reason under the bed. It genuinely seemed as though the magical creature appearing from nowhere was a bit of a cop out... an easy out for the story.

To sum it up. I enjoyed reading it, you have a nice flow and a way with words, you're a good writer... however I feel this story could have been tackled better. Either that or the logline should be changed.

Chris

“Shamburger”, what a name!

Sorry, anyway, a great little five pager you got here. An inexplicable monster-under-the-bed scenario, nothing new there, however you’ve given it a very random and slightly unsettling twist of hiccupping!

JENN
How comprehensive.

- Loving the punchy dialogue so far but this line stuck out as awkward and ill fitting.

Other than that, the writing is clear and concise, the dialogue sharp.

I particularly liked the ending when the beast reaches up and grabs the glass of water before silence pervades the room. Great use of audio/visuals to effectively execute the piece.

Nice work.

Col.

The revised draft is now posted. Thanks, Don! That was fast!

@Dustin Bowcott - Thanks for reading! I'm glad you liked the writing. I think the revised draft helps cement the idea that something is underneath the bed from the very beginning, and it hopefully also explains why the monster gets the hiccups around the same time Jenn does. I also changed the reveal of the creature so that it's more mysterious, shadowed, and indistinct -- and I take it out of the bedroom. I think it works a lot better, and I hope everyone else thinks so too.

@colkurtz8 - Thanks for your feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I think the audible aspect of screenwriting is probably my favorite thing to write. Any storyteller can tell you the noise itself is typically always scarier than what makes the noise. You'll also be glad to know the "how comprehensive" line has been removed in the rewrite; I felt the same way about it. Thanks again!

Good stuff Chris,

I don't remember in the previous version, how did the hiccups under the bed start? I know there wasn't a cat to cause them. Were they spontaneous?

Another thing, didn't he go back up stairs and looked under the bed in the previous version? For what reason was that? I just don't remember that either.

Your opening is great. The set-up is great. It's definitely one of the best scripts I've read here.

-J.S.

@ J.S. - Thank you so much! I'm glad you've stuck with this one. The hiccups under the bed started quite spontaneously in the first draft, and I didn't like that. So I added the cat running under the bed, as well as the line "I told you not to eat too fast," to justify why the the thing under the bed got the hiccups.

And yes, in the original draft, Kyle heard Jenn scream and ran back to the bedroom. With this revision, I removed the scream and took the monster into the hallway to come for Kyle instead.

Hi guys,

Hiccups made the finals at this year's Shriekfest Horror Film Festival!

Hiccups was also picked up by a filmmaker earlier this year and will be shooting within the next month!

I can't believe how far this script has come. Especially considering it's less than five pages.

Thank you all for the continued support and feedback!

I'll keep everyone updated.

Chris

Well done Sham

I not suriprised it's done well, there was something quite effective about it.

Cheers

The director, Karson Holbrook, is in the final stages of post-production. The release date says tomorrow (December 15), but I'm not sure if and when the film will be available to view online. Again, I'll keep everyone posted.

Brilliant news sham.

Well deserved, I always liked this one.

Well done, mate. I'm looking forward to seeing how this turns out. If you've got a Facebook page or anything else, throw it up and I'll give it a like.

Looking forward to seeing it, Chris.

-J.S.