Tom Cynova’s Review of:
"Social Experiment"
By Jordan Littleton
jmlittleton79@gmail.com
Drama
*What I enjoyed about the script: - Pops' revolting character and the heinous act is setup and described effectively right away with precise visual and auditory details. Immediately we are introduced to the style, subject matter, and world that these characters live in.
- Acute attention to detail in the characters, their desires and thoughts, and the environment makes the world of this story that much more believable and credible to the writer we are entrusting to tell it right.
- Consistent and prevalent detail surrounds us in the rough, cruel, and decayed world these characters inhabit, as well as the small, yet memorable moments of hope from particular characters like the bus driver. These details help to further contrast and illustrate just how flawed their surroundings are and how the endless cycle of depravity continues on with Ashley's consistent process and even webs out to all those connected and involved.
- I like the vivid description that works to both setup and execute each scene as well as provide us deeper insight into the characters and their situation by reflecting much of who they are or feel inside.
- A smooth read that accomplishes giving enough information and description without being overbearing, too unnecessary, or repetitive.
- Ashley's plan and solution to her situation is made even more effective by the details of how she endured it and how her plan to get out of it meant a lot to her. The importance of that small amount of coin change from the liquor store sale and the secluded hiding spot that no one would go to look, as a place she chose to hide the significant piece of her plan, greatly strengthens that element of the story.
- I enjoyed, and was for the most part satisfied with the conclusion of the story. I liked seeing how all the elements came together, how the cycle of Ashley's situation came full-circle to reveal just how despicable it really was, to learn where much of it all originated from, and what kept it perpetuated.
- The material is raw and makes just enough attempt to handle it in an expressive manner without going too far into an exploitive or perverse manner.
*Personal notes, criticisms, and suggestions: - On (Page 1) I would make "Thirty-Seven dollars. In ones." just one sentence. Although it may be for emphasis to further detail the situation or characters, it is just as effective together and continues a smooth pace of reading.
- "Motionless" is used twice in close proximity and repeats the same action that "staring" conveys. While there are many other words to describe the same, the particular line on (Page 2) at the end of the liquor store scene, could also be written simply as: "She stares down at it.", and still be as effective as you had written it at the end of the first scene on (Page 5).
- On (Page 3) the line "her head shakes "No".", could be shortened. It's entirely by preference as the way you've written defines the action exactly, while a shorter version reads smoother. In most cases and in connection with this scene, generally a character shaking their head to say "no" is just to shake their head, and to say "yes" they simply nod. This line could be written shorter as "she shakes her head." Unless a character is shaking their head for a reason other than to say no, it shouldn't confuse most people that she is saying "no".
- The line "Ashley waits a second, then nods." I would write as; "She remains silent. Then nods.", to continue the reading pace and economical use of the script.
- As well as shortening lines for the pace of reading and to reduce the amount of space needed to tell the story best, many of these same lines and others could be written with more descriptive or specific words as you have done in the first scene. Such as this line; "Thomas waves bye, closes the door, then drives away.". This is a line that can be called "a given". Most of us reading scripts know how a bus driver operates, so unless this particular character does it differently than most or has his own special way of closing the door, than we should keep this line as short and necessary as possible. It's a basic action, so it should be written basic. "He waves, closes the door, and drives on." Or simply "He waves and drives on." Enough about how both Thomas and Ashley feel in this moment has been expressed, and all we need to do is have him exit the scene.
- Another line that could use a word or two less and achieve the same: "She looks down at the vodka in her hand.", could be "She looks at the vodka in her hand.".
- At the end of the first scene on (Page 3), I would complete the indication of the pre-lap or sound transition by identifying it as a technical description:
"PRE-LAP: The sound of babies CRYING."
This ensures readers distinguish it from the current scene's action, yet know it's meant to connect and transition to the next scene.
- "Joe walks to the end of the bar and up a flight of stairs.". Like the line that describes the bus driver's action of taking off, this is a line of action that could be written to express this particular character's unique way of simply walking to leave the room. His character could walk, or he could swagger, or strut, or steamroll across the bar and up the stairs. He just snapped his fingers at the bartender. Maybe simply walking like anyone else is a little too ordinary or not brazen enough for this character.
- "Cont'd/Continued" indications are generally unnecessary and slightly distracting when continuously used especially in the middle of a page. It isn't a standard of screenwriting, but I would choose to only use them on page breaks or when they are necessary for the reader to understand a character or scene is continuing within all the other elements happening in the scene. In the dialogue of this script, the many "Cont'd" on each line of continuous dialogue is unnecessary for me to know the same character is still speaking in each of these scenes.
- There is a slight inconsistency of style that differentiates the beginning and end from the middle. In the beginning the descriptions are effective and raw. Towards the end they are lively and unpredictable. In the middle, they seem to fall flat and remain basic, as if inspiration or excitement for this part of the story pales in comparison to the other parts. By keeping the middle just as interesting as the beginning and end in terms of description and choice of words, that "style-sag" in the middle might become equal and just as strong as the other parts.
- I would pass through the script a few more times to catch lines that could ultimately be made shorter. It already reads smoothly enough, but another touch-up could make it an even smoother read.
- There is a great sense of environment, mood, and situation established, but the greatest missing element of this script is story development. We have a great setup of our characters, their world, and their circumstances, but we don't actually do anything within these scenes to change anything in a personal or extra-personal way. The story feels more like an exploration of the world vs. a journey of this character.
- These particular situations are believable, however I would have liked to see an originality in the characters, setup, and their decisions. While I completely commend Ashley for having a plan to save herself from that awful life, there isn't much of anything else she does to defend herself or challenge the life she has and abhors. She is incredibly strong on one side, and incredibly submissive on the other. For a lead character, it would be something interesting and special to have her attempt to defy her father or older brother, to try to fight off or argue with her sister, or to even visit the babies and whisper to them that she has a plan. Instead she is treated and endures in the way that many female characters do in stories that portray them in a typical way. Helpless, submissive, and intellectually and ethically weak in trying to find a way to defy and ultimately stop the situation. Even trying to fight or rebel despite having no chance of success would have elevated her character and allowed us to connect with her or believe in her more.
We don't get a hint that she has any intention of attempting to get her brother, sister, or the babies out of there as well. Only herself. I would hope she would attempt to call the police or tell someone of her situation especially with her father, but I assume the reasons for not doing so are either to protect her family in some way or simply because she fears them and just wants to get away more than anything else. I just wanted to see something more from our main character than just saving up money to get out. More depth, more exploration of who she was, her strengths, her skills, her desires outside of her situation. It seemed that there was more she could have done and should have done, or at the very least, could have hoped or proposed to do.
This story isn't focused on what could come from this or what the main character plans to do after she gets away. It doesn't foreshadow any sort of thought for her to consciously break the cycle or to even become like her brother and sister. It's centered on her endurance of her life and her one desire to just get out and away from it all. Within that focus, it would be good to accomplish something in her journey, and that could be something as singular, yet profound as defying those that keep her trapped. As a result it would reveal her strength of will in addition to the strength of endurance she has truly shown. That act of defiance shows a great change in her character, a revelation to us of her ability, and supports her choice in creating and carrying out her plan of escape.
- The structure of this story is a basic setup and pay-off structure, but it could have benefited greatly with more character and plot development. This could be presented in only a few moments or lines within a scene. More specifically in the middle or near the end of the story. After having Ashley endure so much and finally establishing the cycle she is in, let there be a moment when she defies, even if it's cut short quickly. Let us see that she isn't just another helpless female enduring pain, but one that makes a stand, however small or weak, to show that she is greater than where she came from and has the potential to do great things after her escape.
- I'm not sure what the title, "Social Experiment" refers to in the story. I read it as a story about a teenage girl in a terrible life and living situation. Maybe it refers more to the audience and how they perceive and respond to the material presented?
- While most of the flaws in this script are in the minor details, the story, the details without giving too much, and the writer's clear grasp on their characters makes this an engaging, fulfilling, and well-executed story with many mature and significant themes that were ultimately handled in a careful manner.
- Clearly a visual writer that pays attention to most of the elements of their script. With a tighter grip on these elements and a stronger focus on story development with the great visuals, the script could come together even greater and achieve a more powerful effect.
*My Overall Rating: 7/10 
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