I haven't read the script for this, so I watched without prejudice, as George Michael might say.

Firstly, that credit logo at the front is a bit big. I'm not a fan of credits at the start of shorts. The title card alone would have done the trick.

A lot of the acting was pretty good. Some bits not quite as.

POSSIBLE SPOILER AHEAD
I think there was a trick missed towards the end with the plate bit. Just after this a good sound effect, or the image of her just about to hit her head or neck would have made the end far more meaty.

You've got to get that Fellini quote typo fixed as well. Such things cannot stand. As it is you'd be better off without the quote at all.

My final quibble is the fades to black. There's a few too many and they're a little too long. These days viewers will go with a passage of time with the next scene starting, often the fade is redundant now. See Birdman for some examples of how far you can push this.

Overall though, you're well on the way. Bit more time prepping and filming and a few more quid about will make the difference.

R

Dustin,

First let me say that writing something like this, then turning around and actually making it is an incredible feat.  I tip my hat to you, sir.  

However...

Quoted from DustinBowcot I feel the direction lacked, the cinematography is lacklustre, make-up poor and the sound is not as good as it could have been.

  Exactly.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Positives were the actors...

  Agreed.

Quoted from DustinBowcot The music was also good.

  Also agree.

Quoted from DustinBowcot We filmed it within 24 hours.

  Amazing.

The pacing was the problem I noticed the most.  It was too slow the whole way through and some of the shots lingered much longer than they should have.  

The Foley work was a little off, but that goes with the poor sound.  Some sound baffles would have helped reduce the echo in the room and I'm not sure if a Lav would have worked any better.

There were moments where the shots looked well composed, but most of them lacked any substance.  

Some of the cuts seemed out of place too.  The jump from the bedroom to in front of the club didn't work for me.  A few shots of Janet getting ready while her husband groaned in the other room would have worked well.

And finally, there were too many shots that were out of focus.  Don't get me wrong, I'm no expert AC that can pull focus out of my ass, but it was there and I noticed.  My only bit of advice there is to practice the blocking as much as possible.  Have your actors nail their marks and hope your cameraman nails his.

Well done, Dustin.

Jordan

Thanks Ren and Nomad. I've taken over the directing myself now and have found, surprise, surprise, things are finally going how I want them to go. Directing is actually fairly easy and I believe that is because I'm a writer. Directors usually come from writers or actors. Just by writing a script we are directing actors and the way the story should go. What's the point in getting somebody else in who will only mess it up?

I have a new guy for sound, where sound is actually his area and not just some guy that's a line producer who has done sound before.

I also have an amazing cinematographer who has two degrees in the subject and when I said he takes 4 hours to set up a shot, I was joking, but only just. If the sun's light drops by just one degree, he's there with the light meter, reorganising the shot.

Our last cinematographer was a student that had done some music videos, and was a photographer. Actual film wasn't his area and it showed. Every shot was over exposed and the copy you see now has had some intensive corrections made to get it to that standard.

The credits are handled by the editor, and I didn't consider size of credits. Not sure I was even asked... or maybe I was and decided to leave it up to the editor's discretion. Which I did a lot of in this film, I will admit. I was new, so I tended to trust other artist's instincts. That was my biggest mistake and that's why I'm taking full charge of the next production.

In regard to the Fellini quote that was down to one of the editors. I didn't even notice as it was put in last minute after the director missed a plot point at the end that showed Des wasn't actually real. That's also why I updated the logline.

Either that, or we get everyone together to reshoot it... and, with a short film, nobody being paid (expenses only), it's hard. Plus reorganising the location.

When I say expenses, all we pay for is the catering and travel expenses. Usually, that means me giving them a lift to and from the set as they don't drive. But it saves me money. Can still end up costing a couple hundred (English pounds) per shoot, before rentals.

I did some furniture removals for a big film being made in my city for a couple of days (back is killing me today) and the money they spend is ridiculous. They've got Location Managers, art department with around 6 people that do everything from aside from make-up. Line producers, first and second ADs... it goes on and on.

I was there totting up the budget and it was blowing my mind that it takes all of that to make a feature. It won't take me that much and I bet I make a better feature... might be hard though as the film in question is Lenny Henry's biopic. I like Lenny Henry, I think his film will do well.

Lenny Henry biopic - i'm in

decent effort Dustin

i liked the reversal twist at the end, a sense of karma.

I'm always amazed with the short films how little is on the walls of the rooms used to film  

Impressive to film in one day.

One point i would make about Des, assuming that is the black woman, is that seeing them leave the nightclub together did perhaps make it harder to accept she doesn't exist, something i only got from the longline.

All the best

I saw the short film, obviously, wasn't able to read the screenplay.  It was pretty hard to watch.  Very unsympathetic protagonist.  that's okay, but, I almost shut it off b/c she was such a bitch...

A few things:

I didn't know that was Janet's alter ego.  You make no mention of that in the script at all.  You also make no mention how her husband got like that.  Did he suffer a stroke?  Did she marry him for money?

Where is his family?  Why was the nurse so lousy?  

Also, we ASSUME that she's paralyzed at the end  Perhaps you could have the nurse lecture her or something.  I know you can't do a lot now, since it's filmed, but, you could always add scenes to it and reedit it.  I added more to my college thesis full length video movie.  

There were a lot of little questions that I had no answers for.  Another minute added to the movie could make a huge difference.

Congrats again, it left a mark, which is what you want a movie to do.

Dan

Hey Dustin,

Glad you got this made. I didn't see the original script and I've no other comments to offer that hasn't already been said, just wanted to congratulate you on getting this done. From your comments it sounds like you have learned loads going through this and that's an important point to make to any aspiring writer; you won't learn unless you don't put it all on the line and try.

Even if you shoot something yourself with a phone you'll learn, so don't just write - produce!

All the best with the Lenny Henry project, Katanga my friend!

-Mark

Hi Dustin,

Congratulations on this short film. Producing my own work I know first hand how a micro budget project can end up being expensive, so the resources and budget you had, the end product is really quite good.
The performance by Benji is stand alone, what an actor!

I'm a little embarrassed to say that I didn't read the script before watching this short but have no doubt the script is as good as the short.

Shooting this in one day with the problems with lights, sound and other issues that sometime occur you and the team should be proud, yes there are a few minor things that could be improved but on the whole a solid effort.

Anyway, I'm currently filming my short 'the brightest star' so I will share with you once it is complete.

Keep up the good work.

Lee

Thanks for the views and comments, appreciated.

I'm not going to do any more with this film. It was a learning curve and I'm going to use what I've learned in the next production.

I think assuming she is paralysed is enough. It's a cliche ending and probably the ending we all know is coming. Even with the screenplay I struggled over the ending as no matter which way I turned it demanded that I tread old ground. I think a load of exposition at the end just to confirm something the viewer should already expect would be way too much.

Mark -- I keep meaning to watch No More Tomorrows. I'll get to it later today as I have my speakers plugged in again now. I watched a little on silent and thought it looked very well shot.

Lee -- Thanks mate. Yep, those costs can certainly mount up pretty quickly. I want everything for nothing. I'm putting my time and energy in, so should everyone else involved. However, some things cost money and I don't expect anyone I'm working with to have to put their hands in their pockets. Good luck with your own shoot.

Good on you for being an integral part of getting this made. I would rather be a writer who barely knows how to work a camera than a director without a story.

I skimmed the other comments and agree with most. My biggest gripe, and it applies here as well, is the sound. You can really hear the reverb in the entire room and the dialogue levels fluctuate. Had to rewind a couple of times to get the lines.

In my humble opinion, it is usually sound, not image, that sets apart pro stuff from amateurs.

I enjoyed it. I wished there was another way to capture Janet's downfall on camera. That is the moment of comeuppance that we're supposed to enjoy. At least, I think.

Solid work, keep at it.

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Good on you for being an integral part of getting this made. I would rather be a writer who barely knows how to work a camera than a director without a story. I skimmed the other comments and agree with most. My biggest gripe, and it applies here as well, is the sound. You can really hear the reverb in the entire room and the dialogue levels fluctuate. Had to rewind a couple of times to get the lines. In my humble opinion, it is usually sound, not image, that sets apart pro stuff from amateurs. I enjoyed it. I wished there was another way to capture Janet's downfall on camera. That is the moment of comeuppance that we're supposed to enjoy. At least, I think. Solid work, keep at it. James

The big guys can afford complete ADR if they need to. We do have access to a sound recording studio but my colleagues don't want all the hassle of that. Personally, I'd be happy to go complete ADR. Once I get budgets to play with, it will be something I think I may insist upon. Particularly when shooting outdoors. It just makes loads more sense.

In regards to Directing... I'm taking over that role. I think that all screenplay writers are also directors just waiting to be given the chance.

Regarding the plate.. I know what you mean. It was classed as a stunt and there's only so much we can ask of free talent. Although, typical Val, she was prepared to do quite a bit to make it look realistic. We just felt that we needed to act with caution. We also only had so long in the location.

Thanks mate. Good luck with your own stuff. If you ever need any help spreading the word for a new film or whatever, let me know and I'll help in so far as I can.

Quoted from DustinBowcot The big guys can afford complete ADR if they need to. We do have access to a sound recording studio but my colleagues don't want all the hassle of that. Personally, I'd be happy to go complete ADR. Once I get budgets to play with, it will be something I think I may insist upon. Particularly when shooting outdoors. It just makes loads more sense.

Be cautious of ADR. I can always tell when it's cut in. I think the big guys mostly use on site sound. There's a reason why that person with the digital recorder around their waist and fuzz covered mic on the end of a boom make their money.

A good directional mic (aimed at it's subjects) and some cleaning up in post is all you should need.

I should have my first crack at film making on the boards by the end of the month. I'll let you know when it's up. I feel like I'm talking shit and have nothing to show for it, but I'm learning.

Cheers,

James

I'm with James about the audio. First off, I would be afraid to re-record all the dialogue and make it fit the actors emotions and intent when it was filmed. Also, sometimes it sounds too clean, IMHO.

When I shot TTD, I was horrified when I heard the audio. On the beach, the waves were soooo loud! Not only loud, but not nice wave sounds either. It was a constant crashing sound that was overwhelming. Inside the fort, we had terrible echoing. I was convinced we would have to redo all audio in post. Well, turned out we didn't have too. Main reason was because I have a really great shotgun mic. It's freaking amazing. Pricey, yes, but it's beyond fantastic. Well worth the investment. Because of this mic, the dialogue was still crisp and clear from all actors so all I had to do was trying to figure out how to mask the waves and the echo. I put down a nice soundtrack of waves over the other real waves and it masked the bad waves enough. The echo was a different issue, but was handled by adding other ambient sound like rain and thunder. Also, in regards to this mic. I once filmed a fisherman on his airboat. His airboat used an eight cylinder big block Chevy engine... Talk about loud! Anyway, my trusty mic could still pick up the fisherman's audio. A great shotgun mic is worth its weight in gold.  

oo this aint bad, a bit rough round the edges but a really good effort. I liked the grittiness and the actors were really good.
There was a slight hissing sound but that may just be my computer...but it wasn't anything too distracting.
Good stuff, looking forward to seeing more.