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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Adequate Moderators: bert
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 4th, 2013, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from J.S.
Bill,

I read this one a few days ago but just didn't have time to post.

I thought the beginning was hilarious. Then it sorted of tapered off into being very emotional and corny at times and I began to lose interest.

My advice would be to maybe try for more tragedy rather than playing up the sentimental angle.

Best,

-J.S.


Thanks JS for the read, sorry don't know your name.

This script seems to divide readers, which is good in a way that it creates emotions but poor in another that they should be aligned.

This has never been a funny script,rather  it is one that is dark, sad, and to some depressing.

I am surprised you didn't feel that it had tragedy, since it deals with the  the death of a father, the failure of him to his son and how everyone mocked him, but we all read things differently.

my new, extended, version is taking everything on board

all the best




My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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J.S.
Posted: May 4th, 2013, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer


Thanks JS for the read, sorry don't know your name.

This script seems to divide readers, which is good in a way that it creates emotions but poor in another that they should be aligned.

This has never been a funny script,rather  it is one that is dark, sad, and to some depressing.

I am surprised you didn't feel that it had tragedy, since it deals with the  the death of a father, the failure of him to his son and how everyone mocked him, but we all read things differently.

my new, extended, version is taking everything on board

all the best




Hey Bill,

It's James.

I do feel it has tragedy. My suggestion was to focus more on the tragedy and less on the sentimental angle of it. And that's sort of difficult to do because those lines can sometimes blur. There are moments that feel forced to me and more often than not those are the moments rich in sentimentality. The ending -- the boy crying -- went a bit far. It feels forced to me.

Just my thoughts for you to ponder on. I'd love to have a look at the rewrite.

Best,

-J.S.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: May 5th, 2013, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't know what to expect... then while reading it I had the suspicion there wouldn't be any pay off. There was a pay off... and it was exceptionally well delivered.

If only he'd tried harder. I love a story with a moral.

I don't think this needs a rewrite. If a producer wants to make it, then make changes. It is only a short and in my opinion stands perfectly well already. Up to you though. But you should certainly invest more time in features.
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Heretic
Posted: May 5th, 2013, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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I'm with James, as above. The story is strong, and the structure is pretty perfect, but the sentiment's a little thick here and there. Faith solemnly pointing him out the door is just going to look goofy, I think, and Billy yelling at the grave is begging for the "Noooooo!" high angle that you almost certainly don't want in something this short.

I like the tone very much and I do think there's humour to it, very strong humour that stems from pathos, as mentioned above. Meak has some elements of the archetypal Fool and they're working well here.

Faith's a little bit one-note, for me. She reacted exactly as I expected her to in each sequence. I'd like it if she surprised me somewhere along the way.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 6th, 2013, 3:26am Report to Moderator
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Thanks James, Dustin and Chris

I appreciate all the comments.

Re sentimentality - i suppose i was wanting to get across the fact it's not all bad, and that just being there, being positive, and consistent has found a place with the child - something the adults have missed.

In I the new version I am toning it down a bit but increasingly the conflict with the mother.

Re Faith - interesting point. I think she is a little more rounded as she starts as another type of outsider, a bit lost and desgruntled, but with time turns more vicious and angry. Could she be more developed? well for six pages I don't want to get the core story lost, which is Meak and his son, but it is decent food for thought.

Cheers everyone


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Forgive
Posted: May 7th, 2013, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bill - good to see more of your writing up. This really hit the mark for me. I've been meaning to read it for a while - bit late to the party on that one.

Couple of minors to start you off:

p.1 Meak, stands in the queue for the counter holding a used envelope with money inside.
-- comma after Meak should go after 'counter'.

p.1 The concrete wall comes out of nowhere a little bit for me.

p.6 Screaming with emotion, Billy drops to his knees next to the grave.
-- Gets it wrong. I'm tempted to say IMO, but lets be honest, it's the only bum note in a script that's almost pitch-perfect. IMO. Drat. Said it.

But the last time before the grave scene that we see Faith and Billy together, they're fighting as Billy is trying to get out of the door - so maybe that last scene (at the grave-yard) just needs a mother-and-son to look at each other, as the arms go round each other - providing comfort and unity - just like Meak would have loved. I think that's all the redemption you need in a script like this - Meak is a simple guy and nothing would make him happier.

The rest of it? It's just a very well woven tale; it's well crafted, and it's well paced. It has echoes of your (sorry, can't recall the title) 'Tranny' script, but is just put together so much better.

I loved some of the subtleties in this and the way the tale worked - it was all under the 'cloud' of Meak's death - you knew what was going to happen, in the end, so early on, and yet it was still so readable.

And the story changes - Billy running to greet his father after us thinking he'd ignored him, were very nicely done.

I didn't get that Billy was a loser at all - the football scene put paid to that - he was a fighter according to that scene. And sending the money makes him savvy.

Meak, for me, had echoes of Forest Gump, but I think you wanted to play him more as an idiot savant: "I found employment working with numbers. I liked that. You knew what was right, what was wrong."

Really good stuff, Bill - hats off.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 8th, 2013, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Simon

many thanks for the read and very useful feedback.

I have drafted a longer version for entry into a competition and your notes and have been most useful. Good timing.

Fundamentally i cant cant decide whether yo go with a bleak ending or a revised, slightly upbeat version, as i have just written. Hey ho, thats the challenge of writing i suppose!

thanks again


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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CoopBazinga
Posted: May 25th, 2013, 12:59am Report to Moderator
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Hey Bill,

I was delighted to jump in and give this a read, just sorry I’m so late to the party.

It’s a depressing one, that’s for sure but you should be commended with how much power and emotion you’ve delivered in 6 pages.

I liked how you turned the story on its head and revealed that Billy was very much in his father’s court but I felt the ending could have portrayed this better to give the tale a more uplifting resolution.  

It’s maybe just too bleak at the moment, don’t get me wrong, it’s exceptionally well told and I thought the voice over’s worked a treat but I wanted a happy ending for Meak, even if it was going to be after his death.

I did like Meak (great name btw, reference to “meek” no doubt) though. A simple person, ignorant to the world at times yet happy and loves everything and everyone in his life. Just a well-rounded character to be honest.

Not much to add really, it’s a great story and I think you’ve done a great job. If I had a complaint and it would be a small one, it would be that the ending lacked something uplifting. You did such a good job with Meak, making him pretty pathetic that you can’t but help wish there was some good news at the end. He died but his son will not follow his path – you can be more than adequate!

Overall though, this is some fine work – excellent job my friend.

Steve
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 27th, 2013, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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Het Steve,

Sorry I haven't replied before but I'm in France for the week and their wifi is like the French character - on paper its fine, but it has a touch of arogance, likes to be unreliable and generally thinks you owe it a favour. Love the place really.(note - the fucker has disconnected me three times in this post!)

Many thanks for the read - boy I must owe you some reads now. Anything I can help with?

Following feedback I realised that whilst I liked the script, to go further it needed a touch of warmth. I am glad to say this has been installed, along with a major re write and I thrown it into Page to see what happens.

A friend gave me a harsh review of the re write, just before I entered, which hopefully helped. Time will tell.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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M.Alexander
Posted: May 27th, 2013, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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In no way whatsoever was this "corny", IMO.    Top notch, first class, well-crafted, more like.  I agree the ending is a real downer.  Would be better with a happy ending - message.   Looking forward to the new draft.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: May 28th, 2013, 2:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
,Sorry I haven't replied before but I'm in France for the week and their wifi is like the French character - on paper its fine, but it has a touch of arogance, likes to be unreliable and generally thinks you owe it a favour. Love the place really.(note - the fucker has disconnected me three times in this post!)




Good luck at Page, Bill.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 5th, 2013, 2:03am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from M.Alexander

In no way whatsoever was this "corny", IMO.    Top notch, first class, well-crafted, more like.  I agree the ending is a real downer.  Would be better with a happy ending - message.   Looking forward to the new draft.


Thanks Michael for the read and positive comments,  sorry for the late reply.

I am pleased with the revised draft, now with shiny new uplifting ending, but for now i"ll keep this draft up here and leave the other one in Page - see what happens.

all the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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