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One of the main difficulties people face (me included) when writing a script is the concept of show don't tell, and this little exercise as I'll call it... demonstrates that, but I won't go as far to say perfectly. So hats off.
Having said that... you haven't broken any new ground here - when it comes to your story, but it played out the way you intened - so far enough. I will add, that last line of dialogue, personally, I would have left that out, and let the character's inner state deliver the message.
Yes this is an exercise although it is also a story close to me and has been with me for some years under one guise or another. It's always nice telling it in a new way. So although it is an exercise in writing without dialogue I also have more to give on this and The Man will need to have a voice, I think. Which is why I gave him a line at the end. In complete agreement though, that line is unnecessary.
Although now that you mention it, it would be far more impressive to write a series of dialogue-less shorts telling a complete story. I really like that idea. Thanks for the comments... and the inspiration!
Actually, I felt the dialogue was a nice touch. As I read, I wondered whether there would be any at all. Before I got to the end, I thought a line at the end would be a nice touch. And you didn't disappoint.
BTW, interesting read. Again, very dark and not exactly warm and fuzzy. Obviously, the man has lost everything...house...family...
I liked the way you ended the script. I think your action sequences could be a little more efficient but that's a matter of taste. Per our dicussion on another script, I think the clipped style would work much better for a short like this.
I really enjoyed this. It feels like an origin story. Tragic, but most origin stories when it comes to crime-fighters/vigilantes begin that way (Batman), especially when the hero doesn't have super hero powers (his tragedy supplies his sudden burst of adrenaline mixed with his thirst for vengeance).
Great visuals. Though our methods of describing action are quite different (we've discussed this in another thread), I feel like it really benefits this story, especially for its short length.
I liked the use of flashbacks, the Man's movements serving as a transition from present time to flashback. Though you begin the story using FLASHBACK in the SLUG, but later in the story, you uses FLASHBACK in the transition line (BEGIN FLASHBACK to END FLASHBACK), Probably keep it consistent.
Liked the tear drop in reverse. Awesome visual. And when the Man puts on the mask over his eyes -- great moment. You can almost hear heroic music inside your head when reading that part.
Some things bothered me (maybe I read some parts wrong, so feel free to correct me): The fact that the woman in the alley gets raped and its not until after that the Man springs into action. Sure, she lives, but man, her psyche is going to be messed up for the rest of her life.
Also, this is just me, I'm not sure if having him smile, exposing his black teeth, right before he delivers the only line of dialogue. The woman just got raped, I think he would empathize with her pain a bit. Maybe he just offers her a hand?
And I thought the last line of dialogue really worked to good effect. It's not until he finds redemption that he speaks.
One may say/complain that he doesn't get revenge on the people who've killed his family (and we're never given an explanation why they're killed), but this feels like an origin story, the beginning to something bigger, and I can't help but imagine that vengeance on the people who killed his family is definitely in the cards.
Of course, I do feel that some of the description can be trimmed down, but that's just me. Nice job.
Yeah this is very much my version of Batman, which is why I said it's a story close to me. I grew up reading the comics and still go out of my way to watch the films too. I liked Batman because of his inner struggle, really he's just a criminal himself, a psychopath who takes out his rage on other criminals. My entire idea is a Batman satire, lots of references to the comic series etc.
I do tend to go too far with the violence at times. The rape could actually be dropped.
I didn't think you took the violence too far, my beef was that he really didn't prevent the heinous crime that took place. He more so avenges what had just happened to her.
His family goes through awful torture, then dies. It was a tragedy that they got killed, but even more tragic was the pain and suffering they went through before dying. I just felt that he could have found more redemption by preventing the rape, not just her getting killed.
Yeah it's been on my mind recently after somebody called my work verging on the misogynistic. I think she must be a feminist. I think that I'm equally violent to both men and women in my work. Women tend to get raped and men get beaten up. Maybe I should start switching it... lol.
Thanks for reiterating your point, I get it now. In defence though, he does kill the perp's. So to justify killing them I feel there needs to be a crime worthy of them dying.
Point taken, but thinking of it from an inmate's perspective: prisons are filled with murderers and gangsters, but its the rapists and child molesters that become the prey when behind bars. Call me old school, but rapists deserve to be killed. Just something to think about.
And I don't think your work is anywhere close to misogynistic, though I haven't read a bunch of it. But judging by this story alone, it doesn't seem like you go out of your way to torture women and only women.
Just had a read of this. Not bad at all. I rather enjoyed it. I like when a story can be told simply by action and images, and those actions and images definitely built up suspense throughout.
Kudos on that.
I didn't really care for the fact that the vigilante didn't really start doing anything for the girl being raped until after the matter. It just seems like her screams would've reminded him of his wife's screams and he'd jump into action right away. As it is, it seems he comes out of his box and watches it first, and then avenges her.
I like the actions dictating the progressions from flashback to present. It keeps the story moving forward without being redundant. Good job there.
I don't really care for him smiling at the woman as he helps her up, either. One reason is simply because I think he'd be more sympathetic to the terrible trauma she just went through, being gangraped unwillingly. Another reason I didn't like it is because the smile seemed out of character for the vigilante. He's been built up as a stark, broken hero. A smile just seems really uncharacteristic at this stage of his development.
But nonetheless, it was still an interesting challenge you took on to tell a story with no dialogue. (Until the end.) Despite the lengthy descriptions, the read still kept moving rather smoothly. This can definitely be an example of having a script where almost every action and description block is over 3 or 4 lines and it still makes the story work. Those stories come along once in a blue moon.
Thanks for the read, Mark. Yep I love to challenge myself, whether it's a genre I feel weak in or something like this with no dialogue. I think it's good to keep ourselves exercised in all genres and styles of writing and shorts are the perfect way to do it. It really helps for the features too as often we have to go places where we aren't comfortable.
I'll have to rewrite that part because he isn't watching the rape. He's reliving the flashbacks just as we are seeing them.
This hero is pretty numbed to other people's pain. He feels the need to protect them instinctively. The rest of what he feels is anger and hate. Again, I'll need to make that clearer should somebody want to make an action short with no dialogue.
Thanks again for the read and I'm glad you got something out of it.
As with your previous scripts the writing needs to be tightened up considerably. You heard enough about it from me and others here so I won’t dwell on it.
“Walks past a PIMP and his WHORE. A DRUG DEALER counts his money,”
- Hmm, it really is your stereotypical dingy alley isn’t it? All the usual suspects are there and in a row no less! Is this a bit much for all three to be presented like this?
Including the MAN’S age wouldn’t do any harm, especially since you are using flashbacks.
“A single tear forms and falls out over the cowl, dripping onto his cheek.”
- I don’t think someone’s initial reaction after being shot like that is to release a single tear, more like panic, shock, fear etc. I dunno, maybe you intend it to be a symbolic thing.
Nice transition between the two scenes once the Man has put on the cowl. A very dark, uncompromising read, despite the hopeful ending. It’s as if Kick-Ass” were directed by Pascal Laugier! While I can see why you would write this, alternating both scenes as the Man fights back against wrong doers and the odds once he puts on this mysterious cowl, it feels very rushed and thrown together without much thought outside presenting these two scenes from the Man’s life.
There is no set up here. We don’t know why the gunman and torturer are doing this to him and his family. We get no history on the man, he seems to be minding his own business, playing with his son when people burst in and inflict these atrocities on him.
I’m presuming there is more to come given the title but you have to give us something more than this in issue one, this is nothing more than two scenes spliced together. If it is indeed an origins story for the formation of a new superhero/vigilante you gotta try harder than this to get our attention and entice to look out for issue 2. As it stands, it’s just a lot of inexplicable violence and some guy with a special cowl.
Also, and I know I promised to not harp on about the writing but you have to seriously start reading more scripts to see how it’s done, it really holding you back especially since you show some promise the story department. I dunno if this was written before “The Final Lonliness” or “The Greatest Escape” but it certainly reads that way, those 7 pages were a chore to get through and that shouldn’t be the case.
Really enjoyed the read, I particularly like the no dialogue adds some power to it.
I do agree that some of the lines can be cut down a bit for a quicker, easier read but I wouldn't dwell on that issue.
There are a lot of things in the script that are unexplained but for me that's part of the appeal on this one, it doesn't follow the usual plot sequences and being a short it doesn't have to IMO.