I hate snow.

But I liked this script a lot.

I read it several days ago but I'm just now getting to post a couple of thoughts.

For those that don't live where it snows, sure it looks nice when it's coming down and seems quaint maybe. But after it's around for awhile it's just a pain. Your car is constantly grimey, your shoes can get nasty and everyone drives 15 miles per hour slower.

At first I thought Raymond doesn't sound much like a 12 year-old. Soon, though, it's apparent that he's not a typical 12 year-old. There were times when I thought, however, that some of his dialogue and V/O was a little on-the-nose...it sort of depends how it's delivered maybe.

That's the only issue...and I'm not even sure about that.

I loved the story and where it goes. This should be filmed...even if it involved a road trip to Saskatoon.

Did I mention that I really hate snow?

Hi mate... a nice heart-warming story. Reminds me of my number 3 son, very very compassionate and kind. Believes that if you love other people they will love you back. He thought of that on his own aged 5, by the way.

I don't think it needs much if anything to be taken up by a producer. Little things can be ironed out in pre-production.

Nice job.

Hey Mark

With the unlikely expectation I can add anything new I haven't read the other comments.

Good to hear your back/leg, whatever it is, is improving and you are able to write in the meantime.

As we go...

Thats a name and a half - hope I haven't missed anything? Curious you then use Dre in the character rather than his christain name alone.
Actually the first dialogue slightly through me - does it need the early age?
Reginald and Raymond did start getting mixed up, actually this got worse the more I read it.
Finished.

Wise boy, if only we were like that.

Decent, uplifting tale, despite the sadness. Effective use of the shovelling and the use of generosity and forgiveness.

Its quite contained, it has the potential to be filmed. Well done.

Personally, I would drop some of his VO let the actions speak more. I feel it would be stronger for more viewer discovery, interpretation.

All the best.

Hey Ed.

Snow's awesome!  On Christmas.  It sucks every other day, though.

Anyway, thanks for taking the read.  I'm glad you liked it.

I figured this would catch some slack for the 12 year-old speaking so mature, and it has.  (Not just from SS members, either.)  And I really can't argue because I'm (somewhat of) an adult and did write the dialogue and I do agree to a point, but I do want to go on record and say I'm going to stand up for kids now-a-days.  I don't think people give them a lot of credit.  Sure, of course there are (several) cases of immature kids, but I'm going to have to say the majority of children that age are a lot brighter and have feelings about issues that they aren't given credit for.

But you are right though about some of it being on the nose  -  It's all in how it's going to be delivered.  But the good news is, while everybody's sitting around waiting for a snowstorm, there'll be a lot of time for rehearsal.  :-)

Thanks again for checking this one out again, Ed.  The playoffs are winding down.  I didn't think I'd see Memphis still in it.  (Though I didn't think I'd see Westbrook go down, either.  I think that goes to show how important of a piece he is to the team.)

- Mark

Hey Dustin.

Thanks for checking it out.  Glad you liked it.

Quoted from Dustin Reminds me of my number 3 son, very very compassionate and kind. Believes that if you love other people they will love you back. He thought of that on his own aged 5, by the way.

Sounds like my kind of dude.  I didn't exactly base Raymond Dre on her, but my daughter has developed those kind of traits.  (She's even given speeches at anti-fracking rallies, and she's only ten.  And I didn't even help her write them, either!)  She gets something in her heart and there's no getting in her way.

Thanks again for the read, Dustin.  I'm sorry I haven't really had the time to check out any features.  The idea behind 'Adm and Eiv' (forgive me if that's not the proper spelling) caught my attention.  I'm not big on sci-fi, but I'm interested and I do plan on checking that one out as soon as I get the chance.

- Mark

I'm with a lot of other people on here that your portrayal of Raymond is refreshing and great to see.

Had you mentioned Memphis before 2pm Sunday I would have said that I'm picking them to get to the Finals. Then San Antonio took them apart. I'm afraid that remaining teams that aren't called Miami are playing for second place, though.

Hey Mark,

Very powerful and moving. I loved seeing Raymond Dre come full circle and not only forgive the family who was responsible with his brother's death but give them money he earned shoveling everybodies driveway. Awesome job man. Great story. Nicely written. You paint one hell of a picture.

Best of luck with future projects.

- Dirk

Hey Bill.

Thanks for checking it out and responding.

And my back's improving.  I get more X-rays Thursday to make sure it's healing straight.

Re:  Raymond Dre.  Yeah, I refer to him both as Raymond Dre and Raymond in the script to show that he is at a stage in his life where he's forced to mature.  Raymond Dre is a name that a kid would love, that Dre adding a cool appeal.  Then he's in the process of dropping it as he's growing up.

:-)  Sorry about all the R-names.  I see that a lot in families, (where everybody's name starts with the same letter), so I work it into my stories sometimes.

Yeah, I'll probably drop some more of the Voiceover over the next couple months.

Thanks for checking it out again, Bill, and thanks for your thoughts.

- Mark

Mark,
Strange little tale you got here.  I liked it alot.  I've always liked the angle of one person.  Alone.  Doing something that needed to be done.  Castaway comes to mind.  Can definitely relate to that loner aspect.  Raymond Dre is grieving.  But why is he shoveling?  Not for the money, we know that.  Maybe to clear his mind a little?  Maybe.  I'm not sure even he knows why he's doing this other than it just seems like it needs to be done.   Like he's on some kind of auto pilot.
Anyway, good read.
Regards,
Steve

Quoted from rc1107 Hey Dustin. Thanks for checking it out.  Glad you liked it. Sounds like my kind of dude.  I didn't exactly base Raymond Dre on her, but my daughter has developed those kind of traits.  (She's even given speeches at anti-fracking rallies, and she's only ten.  And I didn't even help her write them, either!)  She gets something in her heart and there's no getting in her way. Thanks again for the read, Dustin.  I'm sorry I haven't really had the time to check out any features.  The idea behind 'Adm and Eiv' (forgive me if that's not the proper spelling) caught my attention.  I'm not big on sci-fi, but I'm interested and I do plan on checking that one out as soon as I get the chance. - Mark

No worries. I enjoy reading, so you don't owe me anything. It's not a sci-fi true to the genre. It is actually set in the past, so is more of a historical sci-fi. Also it's not sci-fi as in computers etc, it is all biotechnology.

It's the most difficult thing I've ever attempted to write in my life. If you ever do get a couple of hours free, it is a fast read, I'd appreciate any pointers you can give on that. I think it's at the stage where it needs a proper story analyst to look at it, because it is such a high concept.

Hey Dirk!

I appreciate the compliments.  Thanks for checking this one out.  I'm glad you found it powerful and the images came across clear.

I hope to be reading something else from you, as well.

- Mark

Here I was, hoping for a nice happy tale... Guess that's what I get for picking up a Mark Lyons script

As always, I am in absolute awe by your writing ability, Mark. Whenever I pick up one of your screenplays, I am usually always surprised at how emotional your stories are, yet so simple. This one, for example, has such a simple plot, which has probably been done before (I'm no expert) but you can still write in such a way that really gets us emotionally invested. Honestly, I don't know how you do it.

I think the only issue with this for me, came with the voiceovers. I love voiceovers, but I think when you contrast the voiceovers to the Raymond Dre that we hear out of the VOs, we almost hear a completely different person. For example Raymond Dre in the voiceovers doesn't sound like your regular twelve year-old boy, which is fine, some kids tend to be more mature. However, when he communicates with other characters, he sounds twelve. Perhaps it's just my point of view, but it would be cool to have some sort of consistency.

Other then that, some brilliant work, as usual. Inspiring stuff!

Dan

Hey up, Mark.

You've got a few reads already so I'll keep it short and sweet...excellent stuff.  Very moving and beautifully written, as always.

If I had to pick a negative point it would be having to read Raymond Dre over and over rather than just Raymond.  And that's it, not really a negative I know.

Good stuff, Mark.

Hey Dan.

Once again, thanks for the wonderful compliments.

Hmm.  Interesting point you brought up about Raymond's voiceovers and his actual dialogue.  I'm going to have to examine that closer.  (I've been working on so many different things these past weeks, the exact dialogue for this one has slipped my mind.)  But I appreciate you brought that to my attention.  I'll be tackling a rewrite of this in fall when production time closes in, so your comment'll certainly come in handy.

Again, I appreciate it, Dan.  Hope everything's been going well with you.

- Mark

Hey Anthony.

I like short and sweet.  :-)  It means I didn't mess up the writing too bad.

I know what you mean about the Raymond/Raymond Dre thing.  It was tedious to write, also, but it felt important to his character for some reason, like how children love their nicknames and such.  It's hard to explain, but I think it did add something to his character in its own way.

I appreciate the read, Anthony.

- Mark