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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Need - Filmed Moderators: bert
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  Author    Need - Filmed  (currently 9402 views)
AmbitionIsKey
Posted: May 19th, 2013, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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Well, thanks then Dustin, I appreciate the read.  If there's anything else you found about it, please let me know.

I think I have a solid idea for a re-write in my head now, it's just getting off my ass to stop being lazy to write it.

Still, hope to get more feedback with this version, mostly on the story.


- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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Guest
Posted: May 19th, 2013, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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I would find the back-tracking from paper to film kind of easy to do -- and to understand.  Make-up, hair color -- plus the dialogue you have with Francine and Kris about Cindy right after Francine discovers the affair, helps a lot.  I think it would be pretty easy to convey.

I'm interested in the idea of this as a feature... it's definitely sad, depressing, and a real tale of someone getting the shitty end of the stick.  Are there ideas to expand or will it remain a short?
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: May 20th, 2013, 6:07am Report to Moderator
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Hey Reaper,

I'm glad you think so.  I think so too, but I guess difficulties could arise, possibly, like Mark pointed out.  But I'm happy you think it'd be easy to convey on-screen.

Hmm.  A feature?  That has come to mind.

I wrote this just as an idea I had in my head, I was in the drama-writing mood for some reason.  It took me about half an hour, and then mayube an hour to get it fixed up.

I think this could work as a feature.  I think as a feature, it'd be powerful and easy to film.  Maybe when school is done I might consider turning this into a feature if it got enough positive feedback.

Thanks Reaper for the read, let me know if I can return it.

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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Guest
Posted: May 20th, 2013, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I did have a thread up asking for exchanges.... where were you then?

Haha, it's cool.  I got feedback from some really great people here.  

I'm starting a new draft, and I'm submitting it to BlueCat.

You should re-write Need yourself and try for the shorts submission.  
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CoreyB
Posted: May 20th, 2013, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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Curt,

Pretty good read. I loved the structure and content. I'm a sucker for dark material. If I had to point out something that needs improvement I would say you may want to tighten up some of the dialogue and narrative description.

For the most part it's fine but I think you could shorten it a tad and get the same effect. Just seems like you're overreaching, but I still didn't find it to be that big of a deal.

Also, I noticed a few spelling errors. You may want to proofread.  

Again, good work. I look forward to reading more of your material. Keep at it!


"That's the trailer right there." - Tropic Thunder
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: May 21st, 2013, 6:08am Report to Moderator
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@Reaper

Cool, well if you ever need a read, shoot me up.   Not literally though, that'd be sad, lol.

Wish you look with BlueCat.  I actually wrote this with the intentions of maybe submitting to BlueCat, I need to polish it up a little first though, maybe.  

@Corey

Hey Corey,

Thanks for the read.  Glad you enjoyed.  I guess I agree about some of the dilaogue, I could easily cut some of that down, thanks for pointing it out.

Hmm, I didn't notice any spelling errors...

Thanks, anyways, appreciate the read.

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: May 21st, 2013, 6:41am Report to Moderator
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I've been contacted by a film-maker in France, regarding the possibility of filming and producing this!!!

He just wants to build his portfolio.  I've e-mailed him back, asked questions et cetera, and hopefully he gets back to me soon.  I've asked to see some of his prior film-work, if he even has any.  Hopefully this guy is talented.

Finally, maybe I'll have a writing credit!  Not getting my hopes up, though, trying to stay cool.

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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spesh2k
Posted: May 21st, 2013, 6:46am Report to Moderator
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Congrats, dude! Crossing my fingers for ya!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: May 21st, 2013, 6:50am Report to Moderator
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Thanks man, I really hope this one works out.

I had someone contact me before about one of my shorts, but it was one e-mail, and then she never replied, which was sad, haha.  But you have to take it on the chin.

OVERALL this has been a really, really, really exciting week for me!   I owe it all to this site!

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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M.Alexander
Posted: May 21st, 2013, 8:20am Report to Moderator
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Story-wise, "for the writing of a sixteen year old" this is good.   A whole lot better than I ever could've done at that age.   It's got flaws, but what doesn't?  Might wanna consider cleaning it up and send it off to competitions.


Best of luck with it.

EDIT:  Figured I'd better calrify what I mean by saying it's got flaws.   In a nutshell, it's overwritten.   If need be, I can provide examples, but I'm willing to bet by looking at it in hindsight you can see where the problems are.



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M.Alexander  -  May 21st, 2013, 8:35am
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: May 21st, 2013, 8:51am Report to Moderator
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Hey Michael,

Thanks very much for the read, glad you thought it was good.  Yeah, I agree it has flaws; I’m going to work on a much shorter draft.  With less flaws.  The guy who wants to produce and film this says he really liked the ending so I think I shall keep the ending the same.

Since this is basically going to be produced by someone (not commercially) is it against rules to continue to submit it to competitions? (open question to everyone).

Anyways, thanks M.  Happy you liked it.

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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M.Alexander
Posted: May 21st, 2013, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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Ah, I didn't know it was getting produced.   Hopefully the filmmaker does a good job.   It's gonna take some serious skills.   Yeah, you can still submit it to comps.
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alffy
Posted: May 21st, 2013, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Curtis, I got to say I nearly stopped before I started on this when I noticed your email address.  Please tell me the mufc part isn't reference to man united?

Anyway the story...

I think you could trim a couple of pages off this by working on the format.  There are a lot of action lines that could and should be grouped.

Is Cindy that Francine talks about on the swing the same Cindy that cheats with Francine's boyfriend?  The age gap between the friends seems too big.  Francine is 18 and Cindy would be 12?  Plus you say Cindy drives so I'm guessing it's a different girl but having them with the same name is rather confusing.

I liked the story very much right up until the final scene which left me with a confused look on my face.  Francine died aged 44, so I'm wondering what happen from her being a drunken 30 year old to becoming a mother and wife.  I have to guess she got her life together but then I wonder with who?  I think if you ended with the previous scene it shows how Francine became the person you showed at the start and makes her meeting with Lester even more sickening.  It also concludes the story better than leaving it with questions of what happened to Francine in her final 14 years.

Good effort, Curtis.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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DV44
Posted: May 21st, 2013, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Curt,

Another solid job. The writing was good. Especially for sixteen. Damn good! It still needs a bit of a clean up in some parts that others have pointed out but it didn't take away from the story at all.

I liked how you went backwards in the story showing the struggles Francine endured. I see you mentioned that Lester was the father and he was the one who was with Abbey at Francine's gravesite. Could we have a part two coming our way. This time it's Abbey's struggle with Lester. Maybe Abbey seeks revenge for Francine's death. Just saying. Give the readers what they want! lol.

- Dirk
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DV44
Posted: May 21st, 2013, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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And Congrats on possibly getting this filmed! Well done!
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