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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Need - Filmed Moderators: bert
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: May 22nd, 2013, 3:39am Report to Moderator
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@Allfy

The e-mail was made by me in 2005 by my brother, who supported that team yes, lol.  However, I have that e-mail registered to so many things that I don't want to create a new one, it'd be too much hassle, haha.  I myself don't follow football, or watch any sport really (tennis the odd time, but neve football.)

I have a new draft written.  The story is shortened up and a page was cut from the script, it's now down to 8 and a half pages.

Yes, that Cindy is the same girl.  In the new draft (which I will post Friday) the scene when Cindy and Mark get caught has been reworked and changed so it'd be easier to film, thanks to some suggestions from guys on here.

I wanted people to have their own opinion on the ending, so I am glad you enjoyed this overall.

@Dirk

Hey Dirk,

Thanks for the compliment.  I've been put down harshly in the past on other forums about my writing being childish and bad, so I'm glad that isn't the case on here.

Glad you liked the backwards idea of the story, it was new to me.  I didn't really mention that Lester WAS the guy at the cemetery with Abby... HOWEVER that is a possibility.  I also wanted people to come to the conclusion that Francince got away from Lester and that the man was different...

I think, however, making the guy Lester would be way more powerful story.

Not sure about a PART 2, since the ending is set in concrete on who the person is, but it is always a possibility...

Thanks so much for the read, really appreciate it.

And thanks!  Yeah, the guy David is going to shoot this in Orlando, so I'm hoping he pulls it off well.

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: May 23rd, 2013, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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A contract has been signed, and both I and the film-maker have come to an official agreement.

So stoked!

This is going to be filmed and produced!

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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spesh2k
Posted: May 23rd, 2013, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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Congrats! Great news!


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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dogglebe
Posted: May 23rd, 2013, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AmbitionIsKey
Since this is basically going to be produced by someone (not commercially) is it against rules to continue to submit it to competitions? (open question to everyone).


While you may find an occasional competition that says otherwise, the answer is generally no.  Scripts that have been optioned, sold or are under production are not accepted in competitions.

Read the rules for the competition.


Phil
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M.Alexander
Posted: May 23rd, 2013, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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But it's not getting produced "commercially" as Curt put it.  Which I'm guessing means it's not gonna be much of a grand production.    It's better he shop it around to comps and get more irons in the fire, IMO.  
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dogglebe
Posted: May 23rd, 2013, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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If it's being produced, it's being produced.  There's no wiggle room with this.  I had this problem with Not Even Death; I was nearly disqualified from the comp because it was produced by film students... without my permission.

Curt, read the rules of the competition.  If you have any doubt, contact the competition organizers.


Phil

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dogglebe  -  May 23rd, 2013, 8:50pm
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CoreyB
Posted: May 23rd, 2013, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats Curt! Let us know how it goes.


"That's the trailer right there." - Tropic Thunder
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: May 24th, 2013, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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Most competitions, from the research I did online, don't allow entries from screenplays that have already been produced.

However, there were some I seen that was not the case.

And thanks, Corey.  I'm so excited.


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: May 26th, 2013, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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Just wanted to inform you guys an edited, revised version is up.  I was meant to post this three days ago, but slipped out of my mind.  I cut it down it down by one page, changed one scene for more emotional impact (make it easier to film), but overall it's still the same, only much tighter, more visual, it's sort of like a shooting draft, but not really.

The director likes this version and doesn't think it needs any more changes, so he's happy to shoot this version.

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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Chris Ramos
Posted: May 26th, 2013, 11:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Curt,

- I liked the story
- How you kinda tell it backwards
- I like Francine
- I would tell you that dead people don't talk, but then I remembered that in a script anything can happen.

Keep Writing

-- Chris


Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots.

-- Frank A. Clark


Read Me
Please...  
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: May 27th, 2013, 6:12am Report to Moderator
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Hey Chris,

Glad you liked the short.  Thanks for the read.

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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Toby_E
Posted: May 28th, 2013, 6:46am Report to Moderator
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Hey Curt,

I read this the other day, but unfortunately didn't get round to posting my feedback before I went away for the weekend.

As with your other work, this was a well written, emotion-evoking piece. And overall, I liked it.

My issues weren't with the story itself, but how you chose to tell it.

I've always viewed the reverse-structure as a little cliched, because I've seen it used numerous times by filmmakers as a way to merely break the rules for the sake of it, and the reverse-structure adds nothing to the story; in fact, the story could hit the exact same emotional beats had it been told conventionally.

I have also seen it used successfully.

The times the reverse-structure has been used successfully has been in instances when something at the end of the story (well, I guess it would actually be the 'beginning' of the story; but the I mean when something is revealed in the final scene) which then changes the whole story. For example, the whole reveal in Memento about what Guy Pierce has actually been spending the whole movie doing.

Now, whilst I think you are on the right lines with the whole step-dad reveal, I think you need to find a way to make this pack more of a punch. Maybe if you show a scene where Francine tries to leave Lester, tries to make him stop, and he says something like “no-one else will ever love you.” I feel that if you do something like this, it will make the fact that she ends up with Lester again at the end that bit more emotionally poignant.

I also felt that the ending of this was a tad bit too ambiguous, as it left more questions than answers.

But all in all, as I said in the start, I liked this one.

I'd just rethink the story slightly, as I feel that you can further exploit how you have chosen to structure your story.

And how is These Dysfunctional Summers coming along, as well? I look forward to reading the rest of that when you're done.

All the best, man.

Toby.


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trickyb
Posted: May 28th, 2013, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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Hey curt,

Fantastically depressing story you've written and written it well I may add.

I liked the fact the story is told backwards and you really drew me into Francine's world.

I would have liked to see the guy at the end as the last image I got of her life on page 1 was Lester, I'd hope she did a lot better.

Congrats on getting this produced as well.

Michael


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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: May 28th, 2013, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Toby,

The reason I chose the reverse structure was because it was something I had never attempted and I personally believe it is a very artistic way to tell a story, and so also didn't want Lester's relationship with Francine to be revealed right away.

Obviously though, some people aren't going to love the reversing aspect but I wanted to give it a try.

And since I no longer own full rights to the script, I cannot make changes to it without the directors approval.  I'm glad you liked the script overall.


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: May 28th, 2013, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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Hey tricky,

Thanks for the read!

And the comments.  Understand what you said, but I like the ambiguity of the ending, even though I know it might not be enough for some.

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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