Wow curt, powerful stuff here. Loved how it went back in time. Neatly written, crisp short and sweet descriptions. you paint a fairly sour picture here, which of course was your intention. Really good piece, maybe your best.
The only line I didn't like was when Cindy says "don't tell francine" don't think you needed that.
-Gav

Hey Gav

Glad you enjoyed the backwards telling of the story. It was my first attempt at telling a story backwards fully (not including the end scene, which is a big jump forward).

The intention was indeed a sour one.  I don't consider this a rather happy story, but one that does need to be told, because sadly this story mirrors the lives of many woman/little girls out there.  I would also consider this my best writing.

Will consider the advice regarding the line Cindy speaks, thanks though for the read, really appreciate it.  

-- Curt

Hey Curt, surprised I never saw this before,a s you've gotten a ton of feedback...which I haven't really read, so apologies if I rehash anything.

I'll just comment on your writing and the story and try to keep it simple.

The most simple comment I can make is that I liked both the story and the writing, although both can use alot of improvement.

Story

It works in an odd way, actually.  It's an interesting and aggressive approach to tell this tale the way you did.  For me, though, it's one of those situations where it's overblown at every turn - it's too dark, too depressing, and just too many ugly things at every turn.

Are we really to believe that Lester, her Step Father was first molesting her, then paying to bang her when she's walking the streets, and finally married to her and the father of her daughter?  For me, that's going too far.

The end was definitely ambiguous and I appreciate that kind of move, but I'm not sure it fit in with the feel you had going throughout.

Writing

Pretty good most of the time and you do show a flair or talent in some ways that you write, but for me, there are lots of easy to fix issues.

You have a tendency to repeat your Slug in your opening line, which is always a waste.  You also have a tendency to use too many words, or really, many of your sentences should end 2 or 3 words before they actually do.  I also think you use too many descriptors or adjectives.

I think you could very easily tell this exact same story with identical dialogue and shave off at least a full page.  No big deal, but it's often the little things that set scripts and writers apart.

So, all in all, I did enjoy this for what it is.  I think it can be cleaned up quite a bit and if I were you, I'd rethink the ending.

Good job, Curt!

Quoted from Dreamscale Hey Curt, surprised I never saw this before, as you've gotten a ton of feedback...which I haven't really read, so apologies if I rehash anything. I'll just comment on your writing and the story and try to keep it simple. The most simple comment I can make is that I liked both the story and the writing, although both can use alot of improvement. Story It works in an odd way, actually.  It's an interesting and aggressive approach to tell this tale the way you did.  For me, though, it's one of those situations where it's overblown at every turn - it's too dark, too depressing, and just too many ugly things at every turn. Are we really to believe that Lester, her Step Father was first molesting her, then paying to bang her when she's walking the streets, and finally married to her and the father of her daughter?  For me, that's going too far. The end was definitely ambiguous and I appreciate that kind of move, but I'm not sure it fit in with the feel you had going throughout. Writing Pretty good most of the time and you do show a flair or talent in some ways that you write, but for me, there are lots of easy to fix issues. You have a tendency to repeat your Slug in your opening line, which is always a waste.  You also have a tendency to use too many words, or really, many of your sentences should end 2 or 3 words before they actually do.  I also think you use too many descriptors or adjectives. I think you could very easily tell this exact same story with identical dialogue and shave off at least a full page.  No big deal, but it's often the little things that set scripts and writers apart. So, all in all, I did enjoy this for what it is.  I think it can be cleaned up quite a bit and if I were you, I'd rethink the ending. Good job, Curt!

Hey man!

As for your comments regarding the story, I see where you're coming from.  I do agree that when you look at this as a whole it may be a little too contrived in places.  However, I think it works, for me personally as the writer.  I'm in a contract with the director and I no longer own full rights to the short, so I'm unsure on whether this far into it I can change things now.

As for your comments regarding the writing --

"You have a tendency to repeat your Slug in your opening line, which is always a waste." -- I totally agree with this.  I've actually noticed this, I don't think it's a HUGE deal, but deffo something I could work on.  

About the adjectives, others have also pointed this out to me, but I think that's just my own personal style of writing.

Glad you enjoyed this as a whole, though.  My aim was just to write a short indie-feel, dark drama.  I hope you stick around and check out the movie whenever it makes it to screen.  Really appreiciate your feedback, so thanks for taking the time to read!

-- Curt

So, just found out the director will be filming this on a Canon T3i.  So the quality shall be amazing and be real film quality!

-- Curt

Curt,

The T3i is a very decent camera indeed. Do you know how much stuff the director has shot before on DSLRs? The reason I ask is because from my own experience, filming on DSLRs is a completely different kettle of fish than filming on bigger models. If he hasn't used DSLRs much before, direct him my way and I'll point him towards some information that really helped me and my friends out when we first started using a 5D.

But that being said, one of my favourite YouTube filmmakers does amazing things with a T3i (I'll PM you the link), so I'm looking forward to the results your guys can get.

Any news on a production schedule?

Shit.  Just retread the message.  I got it mixed up.  His last camera was the t3i, and now apparently he's shooting using a Canon 2 5D.  This is all gobbledeegoook to me lol.

He owns his own company and he shoots weddings, videos, short films, features.  He's currently working on something to do with a runway show and from th images I've seen on his Facebook page it looks great!

I've also seen one of the music videos he's produced in Haiti.  And the quality blew me away because I wasn't expecting it to be that good, but it was.  And apparently that video was shot with a the t3i so I can only imagine what Need will look like on his new stuff.

As for production, he's pretty busy at the moment with the runway fashion shoot thing he's working on.  He says he's aiming to begin shooting at the end of July, when the weather is nice and perfect in Orlando.

He also plans to cast soon.  He lives in a part of Orlando that is in the black community.   He says it might be hard to find a white actress, he shall be looking for white actors first, and if not then black/dark skinned.  Which I don't mind.  I didn't give any of th characters a specific skin tone and I have no preference as long as the acting is okay.

-- Curt

Hi Curt,

It seems you've come quite a way in your short time here on SS. Your hard work is paying off. We're starting to get some incredibly powerful and thought-provoking stories from you, which is great to see. Keep up the good work.

I was always going to like this, no matter how it was written. I tend to go for stories like this and I regret not getting around to it sooner. What a brilliant little story you have going on here, told in such a perfect little way. Love the non-linear structure, travelling backwards in time. The way you reveal subtle aspects is perfect and almost everything is relevant to the story. You foreshadow like a master.

The story got to me. I've noticed I've been becoming a lot more sensitive to stories recently (I cried with Monsters Inc. for crying out loud!) so maybe that's why I enjoyed this so much. It's a story about real people, with real issues and real resolutions. And hope. Those are the stories that work and yes, bring tears to the eye. I've discovered a new-found respect for your writing. Outstanding potential in this short.

So I haven't read through all the comments, so I apologize if I am beating a dead horse and repeating anything that has already been said. The writing could use a little improvement in a few places. It mostly comes with the dialogue, where I think the phrasing of the words could come across a little better. I understand this is being filmed, so maybe what I have to say is a little redundant.

"You know what, I'm sick of this." - I see this sort of thing all the time and I've never understood why people write some lines like this. I understand how you might want the line to come across, but I would word it like this, just to make it come out a little clearer: "You know what? I'm sick of this." Perhaps it's just me.

"You're spending too much time with Cindy, what am I now?" Same issue as above. Combining two sentences into one just doesn't work for me. I know where you're trying to go with impact, but these sort of lines fall short with me.

"I've went through enough shit." - Perhaps try "I've gone through..." You might be trying to show that she's not exactly educated, but even so I've never heard anyone talk like this.

Some minor things come with some of your description as well. I know you're getting produced, so you can't change them now, but for future writing there are a few things I would suggest.

"But Mark throws another stronger punch" - I don't know it just reads weirdly to me. Perhaps try "Mark throws another strong punch" or Mark throws a stronger punch." Those suggestions are just to make it read a little better.

There are places where the writing lacks consistency. Again, this is nothing too serious, but your use of italics and underlining kinda annoyed me. Is there any reason why you used both techniques? If not, I would suggest sticking to one or the other. Using both suggests that there may be different connotations to words underlined as opposed to those in italics. To me, they both emphasize what the character is saying, so why not just use one?

The ending for me was a little abrupt. I know you're getting this produced so what I have to say won't be worth much, but I thought I may as well throw some suggestions at you, just in case. I'm a little confused as to why you would end with this ABBY girl? I've had a quick look at some comments and she appears to be the daughter of your protag. While ending with Abby, you have essentially opened your potential audience up to a lot of confusion. Guaranteed they are going to wonder who this girl is and how she has any relevance to the story. Perhaps you could have revealed the gravestone with a name on it? That would set up for a little clarity.

I also think stories like this need a definitive sad or happy ending. In this one, it's a little on the fence. Did she find love, or not? It's all just a little too vague for my liking and I know it would nag at me for ages if I had watched the film. Perhaps I'm the only one who didn't get it. Who knows.

All that put aside, I'll reiterate what I said at the start of my review. This story is enough to have me sold on your writing ability. It truly is a touching tale, that deserves its recent recognition. Congrats on getting an offer on this one. That's great to see.

Cheers,

Dan

Quoted Text Hi Curt, It seems you've come quite a way in your short time here on SS. Your hard work is paying off. We're starting to get some incredibly powerful and thought-provoking stories from you, which is great to see. Keep up the good work.

Aww, thanks Dan.  That means a lot.  I hope my hard work is paying off!  So many good things have happened to me as a result of this board, I cannot thank the site and the community here enough!

Quoted Text I was always going to like this, no matter how it was written. I tend to go for stories like this and I regret not getting around to it sooner. What a brilliant little story you have going on here, told in such a perfect little way. Love the non-linear structure, travelling backwards in time. The way you reveal subtle aspects is perfect and almost everything is relevant to the story. You foreshadow like a master.

Wow, thanks again, Dan.  Means a lot that you liked it that much.  Yea, this was my first time using the non-linear structure, and I'm glad people like it!  Glad you caught the foreshadowing!

Quoted Text The story got to me. I've noticed I've been becoming a lot more sensitive to stories recently (I cried with Monsters Inc. for crying out loud!) so maybe that's why I enjoyed this so much. It's a story about real people, with real issues and real resolutions. And hope. Those are the stories that work and yes, bring tears to the eye. I've discovered a new-found respect for your writing. Outstanding potential in this short.

Glad the story got to you.  I'd say out of all my shorts this one handles the most dark emotional subjects that deffo leave you affected.  It's a story that needs to be told, and sadly, this mirrors a lot of people's real lives.  Don't be ashamed either, I cried at Monsters Inc. too!  Poor Boo!

Quoted Text So I haven't read through all the comments, so I apologize if I am beating a dead horse and repeating anything that has already been said.

Apology not accepted!!!!!!  Haha, lol I kid.  Poor horsey . Anti-animal abuser here!

Quoted Text The writing could use a little improvement in a few places. It mostly comes with the dialogue, where I think the phrasing of the words could come across a little better. I understand this is being filmed, so maybe what I have to say is a little redundant. "You know what, I'm sick of this." - I see this sort of thing all the time and I've never understood why people write some lines like this. I understand how you might want the line to come across, but I would word it like this, just to make it come out a little clearer: "You know what? I'm sick of this." Perhaps it's just me. "You're spending too much time with Cindy, what am I now?" Same issue as above. Combining two sentences into one just doesn't work for me. I know where you're trying to go with impact, but these sort of lines fall short with me.

I see what you're saying about the sentences.  I've been working on that a lot, hopefully you notice in my latest short as you're not the first to point it out.

Quoted Text "I've went through enough shit." - Perhaps try "I've gone through..." You might be trying to show that she's not exactly educated, but even so I've never heard anyone talk like this.

People here in Ireland would talk like that, haha.  Either way, I'll let the director know that this line is to be changed, as I do want the dialogue to come off as realistic.

Quoted Text Some minor things come with some of your description as well. I know you're getting produced, so you can't change them now, but for future writing there are a few things I would suggest. "But Mark throws another stronger punch" - I don't know it just reads weirdly to me. Perhaps try "Mark throws another strong punch" or Mark throws a stronger punch." Those suggestions are just to make it read a little better. There are places where the writing lacks consistency. Again, this is nothing too serious, but your use of italics and underlining kinda annoyed me. Is there any reason why you used both techniques? If not, I would suggest sticking to one or the other. Using both suggests that there may be different connotations to words underlined as opposed to those in italics. To me, they both emphasize what the character is saying, so why not just use one?

I noticed the italics/underlined thing too in the dialogue at times.  Consider it fixed.  Will be sending a slightly cleaner version now to the director, even though I don't think it'll make a difference on screen, but anyway...

Quoted Text The ending for me was a little abrupt. I know you're getting this produced so what I have to say won't be worth much, but I thought I may as well throw some suggestions at you, just in case. I'm a little confused as to why you would end with this ABBY girl? I've had a quick look at some comments and she appears to be the daughter of your protag. While ending with Abby, you have essentially opened your potential audience up to a lot of confusion. Guaranteed they are going to wonder who this girl is and how she has any relevance to the story. Perhaps you could have revealed the gravestone with a name on it? That would set up for a little clarity. I also think stories like this need a definitive sad or happy ending. In this one, it's a little on the fence. Did she find love, or not? It's all just a little too vague for my liking and I know it would nag at me for ages if I had watched the film. Perhaps I'm the only one who didn't get it. Who knows.

You're not the only one who was iffy on the ending.   Lots of people liked it, others didn't.  It's the part of the script that's given me the most hassle, but in the end, the director told me the ending and ambiguity was his favourite part.  And I personally lovr the ending too.  However, I appreciate your feedback on it, Dan!

Yes, you're right, Abby is her daughter.

I think most will get that she's Francine's daughter, because of her dialogue, and the foreshadowing in the middle about Franince and what she wanted to name her daughter.

In the first draft of the script, I had what the gravestone said.  But the draft your reading is a more of a shooting draft.  And the director can't afford to have a headstone engraved, so we agreed to have the headstone shot from behind.

Quoted Text All that put aside, I'll reiterate what I said at the start of my review. This story is enough to have me sold on your writing ability. It truly is a touching tale, that deserves its recent recognition. Congrats on getting an offer on this one. That's great to see. Cheers, Dan

Yes!  Dan is sold on my writing ability!  Yes yes yes!  Woo, glad to hear that let me tell ya!

Glad you found the story touching and you enjoyed it overall.  Excited I could win you over!  And thanks!  It begins filming at the end of July, so I'm looking forward to seeing how this does!

-- Curt

Hey guys,

So, this starts filming towards the end of July, which is really exciting!

And the director has made a Facebook page for the movie!

Come Visit The Facebook Page HERE!

-- Curt

Hey buddy.

Gave this a read. This is where your writing is most effective. You seem to hit it right in all the big places. The truly emotional stuff is really good. Really.

At first I loathed the backwards telling of the story because it's a device I'm not a fan of, with the exception of Memento. That said, I think if this was linear, start to finish it just wouldn't have the right effect. Going backwards allowed for some really nice (bad in real life terms) surprises.

I wasn't a big fan of the scene with the girl Abby, Francine's daughter I presume? Then again the ambiguity adds a bit of extra food for thought.

The most impressive trait you have is the ability to say a lot in very little. A little on the nose at times but every piece I read is an improvement over the last. Good work!

PS. Psyched for you. Getting produced? Awesome! How did that come about? PM me.

Quoted from StevenHarvey PS. Psyched for you. Getting produced? Awesome! How did that come about?

Proof that SS gets a lot of attention from producers. Keep the writing up, folks

Quoted from StevenHarvey Hey buddy. Gave this a read. This is where your writing is most effective. You seem to hit it right in all the big places. The truly emotional stuff is really good. Really. At first I loathed the backwards telling of the story because it's a device I'm not a fan of, with the exception of Memento. That said, I think if this was linear, start to finish it just wouldn't have the right effect. Going backwards allowed for some really nice (bad in real life terms) surprises. I wasn't a big fan of the scene with the girl Abby, Francine's daughter I presume? Then again the ambiguity adds a bit of extra food for thought. The most impressive trait you have is the ability to say a lot in very little. A little on the nose at times but every piece I read is an improvement over the last. Good work! PS. Psyched for you. Getting produced? Awesome! How did that come about? PM me.

Thanks for the read, Steven!  Nice to see you back online mate!

Yea, I actually had a friend read this at the weekend and he said if the story were told in the linear way then there would be no element of surprise, and some things wouldn't be as shocking.

Yes, Abby is her daughter.  In the first draft the gravestone had an engraving with Francine's name on it, but to save on production costs I've just SHOWN a gravestone from behind.

Glad you liked it!  I'll make sure to PM you!

@ Dan

I totally agree.

Just broke 100 likes on Facebook not too long ago!  People are being really supportive, and that's just in the past four days!

CASTING for this is too start soon.  The director informed me that the casting director was "brought to tears" by the script, which... like... woah.  For a writer, that is a huge compliment.

Also might have HUGE news about the future of this, but can't say anything just yet!  Shall continue to keep the thread updated!

-- Curt

This is all awesome news Curt. Looking forward to seeing the finished film.
I liked on FB

-Gavin