Ahhhh, so it all makes sense!  Haha, thanks Gav!

-- Curt

Curtis

This was ok. I write generally bleak stuff so I have a certain bias towards these type of stories. I admire the ambition to really ramp up the emotional dimension of the story too, each scene is loaded with affliction or hurt or betrayal with punctuations by occasional glimmers of, as Francine mentions at the end, hope.

Writing wise, it’s not so bad and from a technical level, the format seems pretty solid.

However some of the prose feels a little over written (but that will improve with practice) while the dialogue felt a little stale at times, recycled and lacking subtext. Try to refrain from being so direct and literal.

MARK (O.S.)
Jesus, Cindy... I love you...

More ROCKING...

CINDY (O.S.)
Don’t tell, Francine.

- What, that you love me or we’re carrying on behind her back? Seriously though, I think this dialogue is much too pointed. Feels too contrived that they would have this exchange right when Francine is outside the door.

I thought for a minute that Francine was a lesbian with Cindy actually being her lover, could work as a nice twist perhaps.

In hindsight having finished the script, Lester’s abuse of Francine could have turned her off men from a young age. Then when Cindy betrays her with a man, she turns away from women, and (presumably) sells herself over to men.  Maybe something to consider should you rewrite this.

“Francine’s hair is died BLACK”

- Should be “dyed”

The scene with Kris and Francine felt very heavy handed, really bludgeoning that message over the reader’s head. Why would she even look sideways at someone like him, he’s a total cu?t. To your credit though, we do see later on that Francine has come from a bad place herself (initially I thought it was being cheated in by Mark that sent off the deep end) she had her own trauma which made her gravitate towards destructive people like Kris.

Having said that, it still felt overdone. For a character to be so belligerent, obnoxious and unreasonable and only get one scene where we perceive only one side of him is an uneven, and perhaps unfair, portrayal. If this scene is representative of Kris’s character then we got to ask ourselves why the protagonist is with him. As a result, I can’t help losing some degree of sympathy for Francine. Here, Kris just came off as one of those one-note, caricatured a?shole boyfriend’s you only see in the movies.

It’s become such a cliché now that it’s played for laughs but here it’s done dead serious which I find it hard to buy.

“MARK (now 19) - looking almost identical to his 26 year old
self,”

- How do we know what he looked like in the earlier scene, his lines were off camera?

“Even when you’re young, and you
feel free and you’ve got all the
problems of the world on your
shoulders...”

- Contradictory?  Being burdened with all the world’s problems doesn’t sound very free to me.

A chillingly, depraved twist at the end but what are we supposed to take from this? Are we to believe that Francine would just give herself back to Lester like that as (again, presumably) a working girl and he the customer? If so, what does that say for your central character? I know she has had her heart broken and came from an abusive relationship and of course  an abusive childhood but for her to go back in such a manner to the root cause of her problem is unthinkable and carries deep implications for what you are trying to say here.

Of course, the counter argument is that human being are capable for the moist base, defiled acts, my head isn’t in the sand, I’m just unsure at what you are tackling here, if anything at all. Or is it just another commentary on the circle of violence/violence feeds violence type of theory. If so, it lacks the subtlety or nuance to separate it from the millions of others.

The reverse timeline is used appropriately but an added twist or surprise to colour the tonal palette may enrich it as I have issues with the Lester revelation as its written.

Oh and congrats on the production, best of luck with it.

Col.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Curtis This was ok. I write generally bleak stuff so I have a certain bias towards these type of stories. I admire the ambition to really ramp up the emotional dimension of the story too, each scene is loaded with affliction or hurt or betrayal with punctuations by occasional glimmers of, as Francine mentions at the end, hope. Writing wise, it’s not so bad and from a technical level, the format seems pretty solid. However some of the prose feels a little over written (but that will improve with practice) while the dialogue felt a little stale at times, recycled and lacking subtext. Try to refrain from being so direct and literal. MARK (O.S.) Jesus, Cindy... I love you... More ROCKING... CINDY (O.S.) Don’t tell, Francine. - What, that you love me or we’re carrying on behind her back? Seriously though, I think this dialogue is much too pointed. Feels too contrived that they would have this exchange right when Francine is outside the door. I thought for a minute that Francine was a lesbian with Cindy actually being her lover, could work as a nice twist perhaps. In hindsight having finished the script, Lester’s abuse of Francine could have turned her off men from a young age. Then when Cindy betrays her with a man, she turns away from women, and (presumably) sells herself over to men.  Maybe something to consider should you rewrite this. “Francine’s hair is died BLACK” - Should be “dyed” The scene with Kris and Francine felt very heavy handed, really bludgeoning that message over the reader’s head. Why would she even look sideways at someone like him, he’s a total cu?t. To your credit though, we do see later on that Francine has come from a bad place herself (initially I thought it was being cheated in by Mark that sent off the deep end) she had her own trauma which made her gravitate towards destructive people like Kris. Having said that, it still felt overdone. For a character to be so belligerent, obnoxious and unreasonable and only get one scene where we perceive only one side of him is an uneven, and perhaps unfair, portrayal. If this scene is representative of Kris’s character then we got to ask ourselves why the protagonist is with him. As a result, I can’t help losing some degree of sympathy for Francine. Here, Kris just came off as one of those one-note, caricatured a?shole boyfriend’s you only see in the movies. It’s become such a cliché now that it’s played for laughs but here it’s done dead serious which I find it hard to buy. “MARK (now 19) - looking almost identical to his 26 year old self,” - How do we know what he looked like in the earlier scene, his lines were off camera? “Even when you’re young, and you feel free and you’ve got all the problems of the world on your shoulders...” - Contradictory?  Being burdened with all the world’s problems doesn’t sound very free to me. A chillingly, depraved twist at the end but what are we supposed to take from this? Are we to believe that Francine would just give herself back to Lester like that as (again, presumably) a working girl and he the customer? If so, what does that say for your central character? I know she has had her heart broken and came from an abusive relationship and of course  an abusive childhood but for her to go back in such a manner to the root cause of her problem is unthinkable and carries deep implications for what you are trying to say here. Of course, the counter argument is that human being are capable for the moist base, defiled acts, my head isn’t in the sand, I’m just unsure at what you are tackling here, if anything at all. Or is it just another commentary on the circle of violence/violence feeds violence type of theory. If so, it lacks the subtlety or nuance to separate it from the millions of others. The reverse timeline is used appropriately but an added twist or surprise to colour the tonal palette may enrich it as I have issues with the Lester revelation as its written. Oh and congrats on the production, best of luck with it. Col.

Hey Col, thanks very much for the read.

I've submitted a third draft of this, improved, also with a NEW ending, to Don, so hopefully it's up soon.  Many people made comment that the ending was too bleak and depressing.  The ending, I think, many more people will enjoy and it was a joint-agreement between me and the director.

The director wanted to undo the non-linear structure of the script, and there was a big hoopla regarding it, so he changed his mind.  In return, I had to include SUPERS and a scene with a new character Nicola, to point out who Lester was.  Otherwise, I don't know what would have happened and we would have continued our argument.

I address most things you pointed out in the new draft.  The direct dialogue, the contradicting V.O too.  

I have to make changes now with the directors agreement, and he's now finally happy with the final version, so I don't ip think story wise things will change.  The scripts message was a sort of commentary on how desperation can twist people's lives, how low people can sink (but more importantly) that even when you're life tragic, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.  Or hope, in Francine's case.

Curt

Hey guys.    

NEW UPDATED version of the script is up.  This draft is our final shooting draft.

CHANGES:

-- The director felt like we needed clarity for Lester, so I included a scene at his request with another character called Nicola.

-- The director was pretty clear that he wanted SUPERS to be involved in the script so we know exactly "when" the scene is taking place.  So, at his request, I included them.

-- The ending.  It's been changed drastically.  Some people liked the original ending, some people thought it was too harsh, others felt it was too ambiguous.  I liked the original ending, but personally, Francine deserves a clear happy ending, so it's been updated.  And it's back by the director, as he felt the ending should've been much more hopeful too.

-- And it's been tidied up a little her and there (action, dialogues etc...)

I like the final draft.  I'm excited to see where it goes from here onwards.  Casting is being taken in and auditions for out characters are being held on the last day of this month, which isn't too far away.

Thanks everyone for the continued feedback and support.

Curt

Much better, IMO.

I actually think the slugs confuse something which wasn't confusing to begin with... because, if the final scene is present day, and Abby is 13... when are the slugs "____ years from"? Because it can't be from present day, because in the playground scene, which is 12 years earlier, Abby obviously hasn't been born yet. So they're "___ years" from the initial scene, which is already in the past, right?

Decent stuff, regardless dude.

EDIT: The issues I had with the supers was that I perceived the first scene to be in the present, so I viewed all the "___ years before" slugs to be x number of years from that first scene. And this then confused me, when I found out the final scene was in fact in the present, as I then perceived the "___ years before" slugs to be from that point, which then messed up the chronology of things. But whilst I'm guessing the slugs are "___ years before" the first scene (and not the present), the first scene is also in the past? If this makes sense, lol?

Toby, please don't confuse the fuck out of me before I read this new (and final) draft.  
Thank you.  

After discussing this with Toby some more, I agree, he's right, lol.  Fuck.  That means another draft for Don to upload.

Will fix soon.

Basically, what he's saying, is that a super in the last scene "PRESENT DAY" is confusing because the scenes at the start were considered present day.  Shit.  Okay, I need to fix this and talk with the director -- this should go well.

Curt

Curt,

I think I've read your work, I think.   I might have started this one a while back, but never finished it because I don't remember reading the end.

I enjoyed the story, paced good.  I felt Kris over-stayed his welcome, but then he got the shit kicked out of him, so it made up for it.  That call back to Lester *the molester* was a good twist, what a tool.  But it really says a lot about your writing, and that your not afraid throw an option out there for the sake of good storytelling.

This piece felt organic, and that's awesome because it aligns itself with the tone.  I had one gripe with the ending, Francine talking about hope.  It didn't jive with me, but sometimes you have to let the characters say what they need to say, lol.

Good one, I'll get around to reading some more from you soon.

Johnny

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo Curt, I think I've read your work, I think.   I might have started this one a while back, but never finished it because I don't remember reading the end. I enjoyed the story, paced good.  I felt Kris over-stayed his welcome, but then he got the shit kicked out of him, so it made up for it.  That call back to Lester *the molester* was a good twist, what a tool.  But it really says a lot about your writing, and that your not afraid throw an option out there for the sake of good storytelling. This piece felt organic, and that's awesome because it aligns itself with the tone.  I had one gripe with the ending, Francine talking about hope.  It didn't jive with me, but sometimes you have to let the characters say what they need to say, lol. Good one, I'll get around to reading some more from you soon. Johnny

Hey Johnny,

Glad you enjoyed this as a whole.  Was my first short on the site.  I'm glad you enjoyed the organic-ness of it all.  As I've had people tell me the first draft was too contrived.  So thanks!  The original ending had Francine die but now she's alive, a more hopeful ending, so I wanted her to talk about it.

Anyways, glad you enjoyed, let me know if I can return the read.

Having so much problems with the director behind this.  One of my shorts just finished filming and it was so easy and breezy and this has just caused problems.  He's now telling me the script "might need to be changed" because it's hard to find actresses that look similar because of the different scenes.  Which is bull.  I'm not a casting guy, I'm a writer guy, I write.  And the director should have thought about that before he even considered contacting me.

Hope you check back in for updates.

Curt

Hey Curt

Really liked this one. I especially like the way that each time we went backwards, the scene got more traumatic for Francine. That added and overall heavier dept to the story

The flashbacks mixed with breaks of V.O's, I thought you balanced very well.  The story had a message, and a good one. Even though it was shrouded in a dark tale.
Which actually is what drew me to read it.

As for your ending...It was good. It worked. But I thought it was gonna go a darker route. There was such a build up of these tragic events, to have an ending where the audience is asking questions rather than feeling the emotion of the last scene, I think steals away the sentiment you established.

But your message was definitely felt throughout the script.

So overall,  really liked it.

Good job man

Hey Reel,

The original ending actually had Francine die.  Instead, Abby stands at her mothers grave and a male voice O.S tells her it's time to go (leaving the audience to assume the identity if said male.)  It left a few questions unanswered.  However, the majority felt it was too ambiguous and too depressing so in this version the ending is much happier, and more realistic, IMO.

Plus, after the tragic life she went through I thought Francine deserved some happy ending, as cheesy as it sounds.

Glad you got the message, though.  This begins filming in a few weeks.

Francine's actress has been cast and I'm a very happy with who we have!

Thanks for the read Reel, will return soon.

Curt

Folks,

This has been filmed:

Brilliant my Belfast buddy

Nice production and very effective.

Well done Curtis.

Mark