Michael-

Enjoyed the new ending. As a father, I didn't appreciate Larry's attitude, and was rooting against him throughout!

Dialogue was a little on the nose in a couple spots (volleyball explanation, and "What are you doing awake" probably unnecessary).

Again, enjoyed the payoff.

Rich

Quoted from Guest I'm with DV44 on this one.  I think I like the original ending better with the goofy smile, one toothed, bug-eyed tooth fairy holding the chisel and ball peen. Still, good stuff.

I liked both endings, but I thought the most recent was a little more thought provoking... and the script was written with a 10-12 year old actress in mind, so I wanted to give her a little more to work with by expanding her arc just a little bit.

Quoted from Bogey Michael- Enjoyed the new ending. As a father, I didn't appreciate Larry's attitude, and was rooting against him throughout! Dialogue was a little on the nose in a couple spots (volleyball explanation, and "What are you doing awake" probably unnecessary). Again, enjoyed the payoff. Rich

Thanks for pointing out the "on the nose" bits. I read it out loud (as I do with all of my dialogue) and it sounded good, but I suppose there's a way to be less obvious.

Glad you enjoyed it Rich!

-- Michael

Quoted from M.Alexander Michael, Just wanted to acknowledge that I gave this a read.  Not gonna overthink it.  I didn't much care for the ending, but everything leading up to that kept me entertained   I like your writing style.   Also, looking forward to seeing the end result of The Suicide Theory.   All the best.

Thanks for the read, dude, appreciate it. Yeah, it's probably not best to over think a story like this. Thought about extending the ending a bit and trying to add more of a surprise here.

I am also looking forward to seeing the end result of The Suicide Theory So far, pretty awesome stuff. The director's previous feature film picked up distribution so I'm confident this one will, too. Submitting it to a few big festivals (crossing my fingers with Sundance - that won't be for a while though).

Thanks again!

-- Michael

I liked the new ending, but the original is better.

I like that we actually meet the Tooth Fairy, maybe in the future, you can find a way to incorporate both Amanda and the Tooth Fairy in the ending.

-- Curt

Michael,

Checked out both versions of this. Not sure which I prefer.  The second is certainly more twisted, but I’m not sure I could buy into it as much.  Personally I’d like to see the Tooth Fairy take all Amanda’s teeth to teach Larry a lesson -- play on the father’s guilt for not believing his kid.
  
The writing’s solid and the story, while not exactly pushing boundaries, is well executed and suitably creepy. All in all I did like the idea of playing with the tooth fairy ‘rules.’

Not sure about the ‘santa claus’ line.  That stood out as being a little too harsh, think Larry’s enough of a hard-ass without it.

I liked the innocence of Amanda’s line about the Tooth Fairy being in her room ‘...and he’s angry.’ Tells us all we need to know...

Steve.

Thanks for reading, Steve. Yeah, I probably should take the Santa Claus part out, but I kind of wanted the father (Larry) to be the villain here in a way.

It's written from Larry's point of view, but in the way I wrote it, it's almost as if the daughter Amanda is telling the story.

I think the second leaves more open in a way -- we never really see the tooth fairy (plus, production wise, it would cut down on the budget, no make up needed for the tooth fairy's appearance).

The first version is closer to the fairy tale horror stories I use to hear/see when I was a kid.

Thanks again Steve!

This script is being produced by some New York Film Academy students in LA (why don't they call it LA Film Academy?)

I had two other shorts that were recently on here that are also being produced -- The Dead Guy in the Trunk starts filming soon in Melbourne, Australia and my short Two Wrongs was picked up by a producer from Alberta, Canada.

Thanks to everybody who read those scripts and commented... your suggestions helped big time in getting these scripts in tip-top condition, ready for production!

(had to pull the other two scripts, but as far as I know, I'm allowed to keep Tooth for a Tooth on the page)

-- Michael

Michael

So both the daughter and the father had tooth problems on the same day? Curious coincidence that. Why write that in? Was the opening scene of Larry examining his bleeding gums merely a foreshadow of what was to come? A precursor?

LARRY
It’s for her own good. Besides,
aren’t you tired of spending all
that money on Christmas gifts and
having some make-believe fat guy
with a beard get all the credit?

- Ha, loved this line.

I liked the set-up and gradual heightening of creepy goings on but once the idea was revealed (i.e. the Tooth Fairy is real and wants his tooth back) I anticipated and feared that it would build to a climax of possibly catching a glimpse of the mythological molar monger (and perhaps a confrontation) before dramatically cutting to black…

Unfortunately, this is exactly what happened.

It reminded me of a few scripts on here, namely “The Well” and more recently “Hiccups” where it had an intriguing premise that mines all the tension and suspense it can get out of speculating an unknown presence before ending things right when we’re about to meet it.

Slightly frustrating but I totally get why it’s done. “Alien” and “Jaws” did that withholding of antagonist device very well too.

All that aside, this was still an enjoyable read. I got a kick out of Larry’s annoyance at the whole situation and loved the final shot, suitably shocking, great visual.

Col.

Hey Michael,

I was slightly disappointed by this one but admittedly not for very good reason. I read the logline and immediately knew what to expect and what I got was more or less that. Maybe not the hammer or the look of the tooth fairy but everything else was basically what I pictured. Reading along, I was hoping the payoff might be something different but no such luck. So, in that sense, I thought this was kinda by the numbers. I've read this same script many, many times.

That said, there's nothing wrong with that per se. I mean, it was written well with an effective buildup and payoff. I doubt you intended this to be anything groundbreaking and people seem to like it so what do I know?

I might go back and remove the DARK OMINOUS SHADOW at the end and just have Amanda point at nothing though. I was sort of hoping it'd turn out that Amanda was schizophrenic or something. Removing the shadow could leave things more open to interpretation, which would be cool. Dark ominous shadows have been done.

Hey Col, thanks for reading. Yeah, the bleeding gums bit was foreshadowing, more of an omen really... teeth have some kind of mythological history, especially when it comes to foreshadowing, especially in dreams (In some cultures, losing a tooth in a dream has some kind of symbolic meaning, often times related to a death in the family, a bad omen).

In the original version, I actually reveal the tooth fairy's grotesque, goofy face. But I changed it to DARK OMINOUS SHADOW.

And James, thanks for reading as well. I thought about not showing any tooth fairy and kind of suggesting that Amanda was a schizoid, but I actually thought DARK OMINOUS SHADOW would leave things more open than revealing that Amanda was just a very disturbed child. With the ending I have, I thought it left things more open to interpretation because we don't show a tooth fairy, just a shadow. Could be some sick nut who developed a secret weird relationship w/ the girl, someone she turns to because her father isn't really the greatest Dad in the world.

Yeah, wasn't trying to break new ground here, just wanted to write a story like the ones I used to watch/read when I was a kid. No surprises or twists really. Some cliches sprinkled in there, too, but it was fun to write and I hope it was fun to read.

This script actually was picked up for production and begins principal photography late August/early September!

Also, I had a script called The Dead Guy in the Trunk posted here a few months back that actually just finished shooting and is wrapping up post!

Thanks again for checking this out guys, will keep you posted on both of those shorts...

-- Michael

Short horror is my favorite, and your logline and title serve as a good combo to draw me into this story before I have even begun.

Everything reads nice and smooth.  You have a good voice, and nothing rings false with the dialogue.  A little odd that Amanda refers to the tooth-fairy as a male, though.  I would go with a she.

This middle section, where Larry thinks he sees Amanda in bed, does not really do much to drive this story.  Unless I am missing the significance of this scene, I am not sure what it is bringing apart from additional length.

The ending is nice.  Not altogether unexpected, but nice.  I was a little disappointed the tooth fairy was never more than a shadow, which seems like a missed opportunity.  But that is just a personal preference.

For a tossed off suggestion, you might consider Larry awakening with young Amanda on his chest, pinning his arms with her knees.  That strikes me as somehow more threatening than an easily-dodged 10 year-old girl just kind of standing there, hammer in hand.

But there is nothing wrong with this piece as it stands, either.  Good, solid work, and a fun read, though perhaps the title reveals too much.

Hey Bert,

Thanks for checking this out. The original ending actually showed the tooth fairy standing behind Amanda, revealing its grotesque face, a tooth missing from its mouth. Changed it to leave it more open for interpretation I guess.

This is actually in pre production right now. It was supposed to be filmed in July, but the director bowed out. Fortunately, it got picked up by a Brit. There is a FB page, but it's kinda lame, so I'll post it once things get further into production.

Thanks Bert

-- Michael

Hey Michael,

Saw this was up, sorry I missed it before.

Like Col, it reminded me of Hiccup by Sham, in that an ordinary event is used as a vehicle for a dark tale. I liked the build up and your writing is good. I do like your use  of clipped sentences combined with longer ones as it allows a read to flow,  yet keeps momentum.

I suppose the challenge with normal scenarios is to add originality - everything suggests this will be about a painful loss of teeth. Could he be really precious over his perfect teeth, but actually they are implants (whatever the term is) to suggest a shallow character with a distain for reality and that the tooth fairy doesn't like that? A possible statement on vanity?

A couple of thoughts - maybe use amanda as more of a light/dark character - the before asleep Amanda not really believing in the fairy, the nighttime one full of terror. We could  then be left with is it her? if something else what has he done with her? which will prevail etc?

The mother could be a victim, rather than the father. Almost more painful to see his actions cause pain to others than himself, or the daughter self mutilating. Violent and psychologically powerful.

Anyway, because this is simple, easy to film, it is worth exploring the options.

Cheers

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Almost more painful to see his actions cause pain to others than himself, or the daughter self mutilating. Violent and psychologically powerful.

Ohh...I really like that.  A much sicker twist than what you've got.

Consider it.