Hey Steve -

I remember reading this a few months back and finding it to be an entertaining read! Good to see it listed as: "Script of the Day" - for today!! Congrats, buddy!

Rolo

Gary,

Hey, thanks for the bump! Now if you can just give me some winning lottery numbers I'll be all set! But seriously, thanks. Hope Male Order Bride is getting some recognition. I remember you posted that there was some interest. Good to hear, bro. I actually have a new short called The Dollar Girl coming. It should be posted soon.  Take care.

Steve

Asides are good but only when used sparingly. You use them too frequently for them to be effective. They are affected rather than natural. Use them very sparingly and only in moments when you  really feel that you are connecting with the reader. Too much and you will hit and miss due to dealing with varying readers' character traits. The misses stand out and you will lose the connection you're actually trying to maintain.

Another thing that struck me... I've never driven a lorry or truck, whatever, but in my car, once I drop from 6th to 5th, or downshift at all, my car decelerates. It slows down without brakes. In fact, even on a level road I can slow my car and come to a stop using downshift alone. There's a bite with gears, which is why I will always prefer manual cars, that enables me to slow down far quicker than an automatic. Using the gears my braking distance is actually reduced. Maybe you could educate me a little more on trucks. I know they have a lot of gears.

Code The CROWD seems to have forgotten how to speak. They look at her. Waiting for her to say something.

No need for seems to, something either is or it isn't... may I suggest:

The CROWD is dumbstruck.

Forget the 'waiting for her to say something'. I think dumbstruck is enough, it is actually defined as being too shocked to speak. I feel they waiting for anything is irrelevant.

OK, she's had the accident and now she's gone home. Long, boring conversation with hubby... and that's it??? Where's the punchline? Isn't she really dead? Have I missed it? I admit I skipped some of the conversation, it could have been that he was talking to himself... I think she should be dead and it's her ghost seeing all the stuff afterwards and you skillfully make it appear as though she may still be alive for as long as you can. So what, it's a cliche, but it's a story.
I feel let down when I read stuff like this... don't get me wrong, I don't mean to be impolite. You're a good guy and I believe you are a good writer. I just feel that shorts should always have a barb in the tail.

Over all, I like your writing. It's sharp and fast aside from those too frequent asides that I needed to look past. I feel though that this story falls flat because it lacks a final twist. Don't be afraid of cliche... just try and do it different.
I hope this helps.

Will definitely check out The Dollar Girl when it's posted! Re: Male-Order Bride - it's gone a little quiet unfortunately. Producer seems to have lost interest. Afraid that's nothing new in this game! Lol.

Take care, bro

Gary

Dustin,

Thanks for checking this out.  I read over some of the older posts and the general consensus was this:  the ending dragged on too long, asides bad, didn't like the flashback, etc.  I agree with most of what you said, however.  Had I more time to go over this very, very carefully I am 100% certain I would do away with the asides.  I despise them, really.  Don't know what I was thinking there.  And you're spot on with the example you quoted.  Thanks.

The ending, I think, was a half and half split.  Some liked it, some didn't.  (Ironically enough, one person who did like it was your arch nemesis Silverback!  Ha!)  I do understand where you're coming from when you say shorts should have more of an ending, with a twist or what have you.  Something that makes it more complete and doesn't feel like a cop out.  The ending I have could be shorter, yes, but it was something I had out of the gate.  I knew this was where I wanted to go.  Let's just say it could have been executed better.

Again, thanks for the notes, Dustin.  Duly noted.

BTW, I have no freakin idea how to drive a manual, let alone a truck!

Steve

Steve

I see you a few reviews, so I'll concentrate on the story.

Nice use of a woman truck driver.
I really love your action scenes, from page 1 to 6 pretty much taken on a wild ride and it was enthralling.

Then the change of pace when she gets home and plays wife/mommy as if nothing happened, very well executed.

Overall Steve I really like your writing

Good Job

Mark

Hey Mark,

Thanks for digging this one up.  Appreciate the compliments.

One thing I never mentioned about this short was that it was inspired by Harry Chapin's "30,000 Pounds Of Bananas."  That song is about a driver of a banana truck, on his very first run.  Going down a steep grade that leads into Scranton, PA., his brakes cut out.  Unlike my protag, Harry's loses his life in a rather gruesome way.

Steve