Hi Dan,
Theres really not much more that I can add that the guys haven't already mentioned above.
I enjoyed it. It was well written, tight and read really fast.
The first paragraph was a lot to take in yes but i immediately got the humorous tone straight off the bat.
I liked the narration, I thought it added a little bit extra and was quite funny. Good job
-Gavin

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Why not give him good grammar? He's self employed so we can assume he has been in the country a long time (although I  realise that immigrants would surprise you how quick they can get set up in their adopted country) and since he's dealing with customers, albeit rudely, wouldn't it be a interesting twist on the tired, old stereotype of broken-English-foreigner-commits-faux pas'-with-every-sentence by having him well spoken, in that affected, learned way? He over compensates for English not being his native tongue by overt displays of wordplay. This could allow you to have more fun with the way he deals with his customers too.

I think I get what you're saying. Instead of playing along the stereotype, I should turn him into a grumpy Yoda, who speaks eloquently...maybe in enigmas that fly over the heads of his customers?

Quoted Text What I'm saying is that the mix of broad, often silly humour present in the script with an attempt to tackle fundamental religious and ethical philosophies is possibly an incompatible combination...or at least it jarred for me. Of course, as I tend to do, I could be taking all this waaaaaay too seriously

Sorry to misunderstand you, originally. Honestly, I don't see how the two are mutually exclusive. I'm not really using this to preach so much as I'm trying to entertain using a religious character who wants to do good in the world. Except for my fascination with the Zoroastrian religion, his worldview of "good thoughts, good words, and good deeds" could've just as easily come from a fortune cookie or a billboard.

BACK TO THE FUTURE had broad humor and pithy little lines like, "If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything!" Sure, it was corny, but it wasn't outta place. On top of that, there were also life-and-death situations with the Libyans, Old Man Peaboy's shotgun, and the ever-present threat of Marty being erased from existence. Those weren't outta place, either.

I mean if you think I used too much religion here, I'd be up for hearing more about that. It wasn't my intention, certainly. I used so much of it mainly because I wanted to create an authentically foreign character as best I could, rather than just a hollow caricature.

When I developed the story, I already had a loose idea of how I wanted things to play out, but I thought I should research Zoroastrianism just to make sure I wouldn't embarrass myself. To my surprise, I discovered Z'ism fit my story perfectly and even offered some cool extras to use--like the faravahar symbol and actual faravahar candle holders that I could use for foreshadowing.

Thanks for the discussion, Col!

Quoted from DanBall I think I get what you're saying. Instead of playing along the stereotype, I should turn him into a grumpy Yoda, who speaks eloquently...maybe in enigmas that fly over the heads of his customers?

- Ha, Grumpy Yoda, I like that. Perhaps not as eloquent but you get my drift.

Quoted from DanBall Sorry to misunderstand you, originally. Honestly, I don't see how the two are mutually exclusive. I'm not really using this to preach so much as I'm trying to entertain using a religious character who wants to do good in the world. Except for my fascination with the Zoroastrian religion, his worldview of "good thoughts, good words, and good deeds" could've just as easily come from a fortune cookie or a billboard. BACK TO THE FUTURE had broad humor and pithy little lines like, "If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything!" Sure, it was corny, but it wasn't outta place. On top of that, there were also life-and-death situations with the Libyans, Old Man Peaboy's shotgun, and the ever-present threat of Marty being erased from existence. Those weren't outta place, either.

- No they are not mutually exclusive, The Life of Brian does a great job of slapstick, screw ball humour with the thematic underpinning of sheep mentality, group thought and blind religious fervour…albeit in the Python's own slanted way. In the case of your script, which is only 9 pages, the tonal variations threw me off somewhat because it’s over such a short piece. Your earnest, enquiring sensibilities won’t get a chance to develop while being stifled by the cheap laughs. Don't get me wrong either, this approach can and will work for some people, this is just my own feelings on it.

I agree with you on Back to The Future, just watched the trilogy recently for the first time since I was a child and loved it. The “serious” elements are more fanciful, scientific whimsy than moral conundrums but I guess a case can be argued for that too. However, the tone, even in moments of extreme peril is always kept light and snappy, a gag or witty retort is never too far away.

Quoted from DanBall I mean if you think I used too much religion here, I'd be up for hearing more about that. It wasn't my intention, certainly. I used so much of it mainly because I wanted to create an authentically foreign character as best I could, rather than just a hollow caricature. When I developed the story, I already had a loose idea of how I wanted things to play out, but I thought I should research Zoroastrianism just to make sure I wouldn't embarrass myself. To my surprise, I discovered Z'ism fit my story perfectly and even offered some cool extras to use--like the faravahar symbol and actual faravahar candle holders that I could use for foreshadowing.

- No. While I’m not religious, I am interested though often perplexed by beliefs…but still curious nonetheless. Wasn’t it the foreign word in the logline that intrigued me in the first place But seriously, write what you are passionate about, what you want to write about and the rest will follow. The fact that you researched it shows you care about what you’re doing, that can only bode well for your development as a writer.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 In the case of your script, which is only 9 pages, the tonal variations threw me off somewhat because it’s over such a short piece. Your earnest, enquiring sensibilities won’t get a chance to develop while being stifled by the cheap laughs. Don't get me wrong either, this approach can and will work for some people, this is just my own feelings on it.

I see what you're saying, now. Since I'm so familiar with this story, I'm desensitized to the timing and rhythm of the ideas and the action. Originally, I didn't think I had that problem, but it's entirely possible I do.

Quoted from Gaviano Hi Dan, Theres really not much more that I can add that the guys haven't already mentioned above. I enjoyed it. It was well written, tight and read really fast. The first paragraph was a lot to take in yes but i immediately got the humorous tone straight off the bat. I liked the narration, I thought it added a little bit extra and was quite funny. Good job -Gavin

Thanks for reading, Gavin! Glad you liked it. Let me know if I can return the favor.

Ha ha!  a STAND against evil.  I didn't catch on to that play on words until I was finished with the story.

Hey Dan.

I've seen you around the boards for awhile, so I thought I'd check something of yours out.

While I really liked the title and thought it was funny, the slapstick throughout wasn't working for me.  It came off a little forced and just a little too cheesy to take any of the heavy themes seriously.  It reminded me a lot of 'Little Nicky' while I was reading.

I got the impression that no one else could see or hear Ahriman except the hot dog vendor.  Does Ahriman take him aside and whisper in his ear about the deal and bet?  If so, I'd make that a little more clear since I wasn't the only person to think that.

There's some parts that were enjoyable, but I have to admit, a lot of it fell a little flat for me.  The dialect was just a little too over the top, as it affected the read and flow of the story for me.

The hot dog vendor as a whole was too back and forth for me.  The narrator tells us he's a happy man, but acts mad all the time.  (At first I thought you were going to have a type of 'Soup Nazi' character.)  The vendor goes too quickly from being mean, then happy, then irritated, then compassionate, then mean, then redemptive.  His character was just too all over the board.

Hope that makes sense.

Anyway, a nice try.  I'm glad to see that others really enjoyed it.  I knew from the genre it wouldn't be for me, but I wanted to give you a read nevertheless.

I'll be checking out another one of yours, soon.

- Mark

HEY, Mark!

Thanks for taking a look at my stuff.

While you're the second person to mention it, I'm not really sure how the heavy themes overpower the slapstick. It wasn't intended to be dense and layered, but not too heavy. I thought that the religious aspect was such a simple, generic message (yet true to Zoroastrianism) that it would do the trick.

As for the dialect/impediment/pattern, I don't blame you for feeling that way. It's not really one you hear too often, but I thought it would be to throw off his verb conjugating.

Your Soup Nazi comment touched upon something I guess I was trying to channel, subconsciously. Soup Nazi's the kind of character I wanted to portray, just escalated a bit more: so angry he doesn't speak. You never really find out why Soup Nazi's so angry. He just is. It seems like the stereotype. With Middle Eastern entrepreneurs in the food business. The khlav kalash guy on THE SIMPSONS is another example. I know a guy here in Louisville who's like that. I went to his Mediterranean buffet one day by myself and I was the only one in the place. Terrified the hell outta me. This story is meant to explore that stereotype.

When I started, Jaffrey was more jovial, but that didn't make Ahriman's challenge very interesting because, of course, Jaffrey would defend his customers and his business no questions asked if he's a boy scout. Coming out of his shell, proving himself a hero to his unsuspecting customers, and living out his mission were all extra hurdles for him if he was this grumpy misanthrope going through the motions everyday. What I was hoping to do is show that he'd either once been nice and inspirational to his customers or he simply had no idea how he was perceived to be or he just thought about being nice all the time and never actually WAS nice. My indecision here probably wasn't a good thing.

The progression goes that he starts out grumpy, Ahriman challenges his hypocrisy, he starts to come out of his shell a little, the mime steps up and he comes all the way out and wins the challenge, then he has to physically fight off Ahriman, and finally he's the hero who realizes how much he loves his customers after he's just defended them. My thought was it brought to the surface those softer feelings he's held deep down.

I dunno. I can kinda see how it's a lot to cram into nine pages. It seems like one of those things where I can picture it working out fine in my head, but if I tried to produce/direct/edit it myself, I'd see what you're talking about once I got it all assembled. All the events would blur by and make far less sense than they did in my head.

Sorry for the lengthy reply. If you read PINBALL WARRIOR, that's an old draft and I've polished it up the past few days from a technical perspective. I'm also considering starting a new draft period just because I'm not sure the story flows as well as it should. Again, thanks a lot for the critique. I will return the favor soon.

Hey Dan,

This was okay, a mixed bag for me. That opening line just needed a punchline - I'm sure I've heard the joke "A rabbi, a priest (junkie) and a minister (mime) walk into a bar (hotdog stand) somewhere. Yeah, not a great way to start, just to much thrown at the reader in that opening line.

I honestly thought this was going to be a "soup nazi" type story from the opening page, but the narrator keeps saying he's happy - maybe a deeper meaning to why he's so unhappy.

Okay, so Jaffrey is some kind of protector to the souls of his customers - is that right? Then the big demon comes along and wants to take all the souls which he can anyway if he wanted, but he instead offers Jaffrey a chance to save them which he does, and I liked how they did it btw. A few questions though:

Why is Jaffrey angry or lacking warmth for his customers?

Did all the customers see and hear Ahriman? If they did, then it kinda made it easy for them and Jaffrey to escape from his clutches in a way.

Why did the candles (that I guess kept Ahriman away) just suddenly blow out.

Why didn't Ahriman just tap his pitchfork and make Jaffrey disappear like the nuns instead of fighting?

What is a "medium" Indian accent?

It was fun but I didn't understand why Jaffrey was so grumpy at the beginning? He changed at the end but it felt forced because it's never explained why he was the "soup nazi" from the get-go. If you could establish his character better in that opening page, a reason for his scowl look then his change will be more accepting. This was also why I couldn't understand his reasoning for not taking up Ahriman on his original offer as he doesn't seem to care about his customers from his demeanor or maybe I totally got lost during their discussion - that's likely.

The writing could be tightened up at times and I think shaving a couple of pages off could help the pacing - the first 4 pages do dawdle on with the businesswoman and junkie.

Best of luck with it.

Steve

Hey Steve,

Sorry it took me a while to respond. Thanks for taking a look at this, though! I really appreciate it.

I'm glad you didn't have a problem with the message vs. the tone. What you found wrong with the story is kind of what I hope people find wrong with. (Obviously, none of it was my original intent, but some problems are easier to fix than others.)

Jaffrey's motivations/history are buried in my notes, not the pages of the script, I think. I've explained to a few others that Jaffrey is grumpy for the same reasons we might be, though I never decided which of those reasons should be the cause. I figured he could've been nice when he first started, but became disillusioned when he began to see how stupid and oblivious the customers were. Another possibility for his grumpiness was he's just always been grumpy. He's trying to adhere to his beliefs more by trying to inspire others to have good thoughts, good words, and good deeds but he himself has yet to learn those things himself. In the Bible, Jesus asks, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

Ahriman was a bit more difficult to decipher. What's a demon/devil desire? What are his motivations? He can cause as much death and destruction as he likes, but how would he feel about that after several millennia? My thought was that he got bored with it, so he tries to goad people into fighting back and playing with them before he dooms them. So that's what he does here. He could kill them, but he holds back because it wouldn't be fun that way. Plus, according to Zoroastrian belief, the devil is primarily concerned with just creating chaos and disrupting order. The way he does that is to make people do nothing good. Each time they do good, that restores more order to the universe. When they don't do it, the universe begins to unravel again. But again, this is all in the notes, not the script. lol