Mighty Fire by Robert Newcomer (bert) - Short - A blues-man seeks a legendary recording that may be nothing more than old rumors...or it might just be real. 14 pages - pdf, format

I'm equal parts lost and amazed, but I loved it nonetheless.

I read a couple of your shorts a while ago -- loved 'em.

I think The Farm was the last work of yours I checked out.  Best horror script on SS at the moment.

Been waiting for you to write something again for a while, and I was surprised (and excited) to see Mighty Fire advertised in your sig as your upcoming short.

Not much to say but I really liked it.  The characters came off the page.  I could visualize it all.  The ending image was a chilling one.

Good stuff.  

Hey Bert,

The writing was really good, you captured that New Orleans southern twang very well in the dialogue, and the visuals really captured the tone of the setting.

I liked the way you set up the myth, the mystery behind this Robert Johnson record. It was even more mysterious as to how his "death-bed" song was even recorded because through flashback, he's seen on his death bed going to town on that guitar.

What I didn't understand was the significance of this record and how Jean ended up in this painting at the end. Was he Robert Johnson incarnate? And he was coming to get what was rightfully his?

And who exactly was Papa Legba (the record shop dealer)? Was he somewhat of a gate-keeper? The keeper of souls?

This woman who poisoned Robert Johnson -- why did she poison him? Did he himself sell his soul? And she was the one who took his soul?

Yeah, I came away lost from this a bit (I'm probably way off with this) but it was absorbing with all the reveals -- Jean returning to the shop to get his guitar back, but it turns out that the record shop was actually closed the whole time. But how did Jean, after being face to face w/ record dealer, come to recognize (or realize) that this figurine (an exact replica of record dealer) was Papa Legba?

Anyway, it was well written and leave a lot open for interpretation.

-- Michael

Hey Bert,

It's good to see a new short from you.  How long has it been?  Two years, maybe.  

Anyway, New Orleans was the perfect setting for this little tale.  i liked it... a lot.   As usual, your writing was top-notch.  But... I have to admit, I read this twice to make sure i understood what was going on.  Papa Legba must be some sort of gatekeeper to the spiritual world, because I could feel the naked voodoo between the pages.

This was a joy to read and very entertaining.  Kind regards,

_ghostwriter

Thanks, guys.  I appreciate the thoughts, and suppose I need to apologize a bit for all the head-scratching.

This is a story I have wanted to write for some time, but knew I was writing to a specific audience.  Maybe some of you have found yourself in a similar place -- where you just kind of say "screw it" and write the story you need to write -- knowing that some people will end up scratching their heads.  And that is fine.
  
A couple things by way of explanation:

• Robert Johnson is quite real, and one of the greats of early Blues.  Even if you do not know him off the top of your head, you have probably heard his story.  He is the guy who sold his soul at the crossroads for mad guitar skills.
  
• Robert Johnson's death is a bit of a mystery, but the generally accepted account of his death is much like I have described.  He died young, without a large catalogue of work, and there are rumors of a "lost song."
  
• Papa Legba is one of the most important figures in Haitian voodoo, and he is typically described as I have described him here. Some say it is not Satan that you find at the crossroads, but Papa Legba.

I will get to some of the specific comments in the morning, and thanks again for taking the time to drop some thoughts.

It has been a while since I have put something out there for comments -- so it is fun to read them -- but I wanted to put these clarifications out there quick before heading off to bed.

Hey Bert,

I liked this one but will admit to not understanding every element when finishing. Jean made the decision to be remembered as a blues legend on the crossroads (influenced by the movie of the same name with the Karate Kid I'm guessing?) and that is why his face is on the portrait at the end... I think? Papa Ledba is the gatekeeper of this said crossroad. What I didn't understand was the influence of the song "Mighty Fire" or the role Gaston played in all of this.

The writing's good, some technical things I would have done different (preference) and one typo on page 5, I think "(stay) the man’s hand." Think it should be stop? But otherwise, this is a solid read.

I liked the dialogue throughout and the pacing was just right, making for an entertaining read. You could maybe think of another name for Papa Ledba other than "Dealer" in the opening exchange - a blackjack dealer kept coming to mind when reading that scene.

A solid story, even if I didn't fully understand (anything?) some aspects.

Nice work.

Steve  

Hey Bert.

I was excited to see this hit the portal tonight.  I've been waiting weeks for it.  Definitely a lot more excited for this than any movie coming out in the theater anytime soon.

The story didn't disappoint.  It was everything I figured it would be.  Great descriptions and actions to get me involved in the story.  Great personal characterization to keep the story flowing.

The perfect amount of real-life drama and supernatural situations.  Enough that it kept me grounded to real life in the story while still letting my imagination run free.  It's hard to do that and that's why horror and sci-fi mostly don't work for me anymore.  But you keep a perfect blend of each and that's why I've been a fan of each and every one of your stories.

I know you were a little worried about your audience, but I think you'll be surprised just how marketable you would be because of that mix.  (And not just this story.)  You cater to both genres and no matter what you do, you'll keep the drama people interested, and you'll keep the horror people interested.  That's probably a formula for positive feedback no matter what should you ever decide to tread the market waters and attempt to get something made.

I hope you do.

Anyway, not much to pick apart here.  I suppose if anything it'd be how Jean's face winds up over Robert Jackson's.  That part made me question things a bit, wondering why you did that.  (And also had Jean the same exact age.  Some kind of connection or reincarnation I though at first, but the more I think about it, I get kind of lost).  But everything else was great.

So great I had to go and research Robert Johnson after I was finished.  Interesting story and I wish I knew it before reading the story.  I would have grasped things a little better.  (Though it was a dead giveaway with the soul talk that the shop dealer at first was the devil, or whatever.)  This wasn't a story written for a twist.  It was written because it's a great ride and the legend built up around the song was maximized for most emotion.

Great job.  I hope it doesn't take two years to talk to you again.  :-)

- Mark

One thing this script didn't lack was "flavor". You definitely have a unique writer's voice and aren't afraid of taking risks.

The story reminded me of something you might see on Tales From the Crypt or Night Gallery.

A couple things I didn't like were "We ain’t talking about the Quarter now. This here is the Seventh Ward" - and - "A record shop. More like a record shack, really."  These lines pushed the envelope a bit too far, IMO.

That's pretty cool, Bert, with the stuff you said in those bullets.

I too wish I knew all about it before hand.

You never really disappoint me with anything you do.

Even if I was "scratching my head", I still got a huge kick out of this.

Imagine if you were a Mod on a writing site and your writing kinda sucked? And, you got all these sycophants giving you glowing reviews just cause you're basically the second-in-command.  

Sorry, I couldn't resist that.   And, we've never been formally introduced.

Anyway, none of that is true! I read this, this morning and loved it. You managed to evoke some terrific images with this and some very creepy goings on scenes, I really couldn't fault it. There's maybe some of it I don't quite get, but I reckon on first read and with the tone of this, that's maybe a good thing. I felt sorry for your guy in the end, that maybe what he had coming to him was not quite fair cause he's not a bad guy, is he...

I was instantly in the mood for something like this having just recently watched the first Ep. of Treme too. Don't know if I'll stick with the latter but you'll see the connection.

Your descriptions, in particular are spot on in evoking images. I loved for example - the little girl with the bruised knees and braids. This has a real Twilight Zone feel but also reminded me of the series of scripts you did on SS - was it 'Soul Shadows'? Sorry, couldn't find it.

Bert, to sum up. I really enjoyed this. Vivid descriptions and a deft hand with the words.

Libby

Hey Bert,

I really enjoyed this even if I was left with a lot of questions. The imagery was well drawn and the character’s felt real to me. I enjoyed the interplay between Jean and Papa Legba, especially in the opening scene.

Now I think I understand the purpose of the Mighty Fire record and it’s disappearing vinyl grooves. It seemed like bait. An enticement meant to lure Jean back and put him in the frame of mind to accept Papa Legba’s deal. For me the questions start with Jean’s return to Domino Sounds.

First off I’m unsure of what Gaston’s role in this supernatural scheme is. Initially he comes off like he’s just a store owner halting a burglary. He seems skeptical, incredulous, ect about what Jean says happened in the store earlier. When we come back from to him in the morning however, Jean is  gone, Gaston is cleaning the mess and he’s got Jean’s money. This seems to implicate him in the disappearance. If Gaston is meant to be involved why not have him act a little more knowing with Jean. It’s only the two of them. There’s no reason to for Gaston to feign so much ignorance; it’ll all be over soon.

Secondly, Jean replacing Robert Johnson in the photo certainly promotes a lot of questions with no clear answers. The truth is I really don’t mind the mystery. It actually (spoiler?) reminds me of the final shot in The Shining, with Jack Torrance smiling broadly from 1921. It seems as though that image is actually intended to promote mystery; forcing your audience to mull over the details of your story again and again. Of course that only works if you’ve drawn them into your world—and it definitely worked for me.

So overall this is a strong, well-written story with my only major quibble being Gaston’s uncertain motives. Nice job.

Eric

Hi Bert,

Nice to see something from you.

First off, I like the title. It reminds me of the song (of the same name) by The Climax Blues Band.

A lyric in that song reads, like a mighty fire, that burns me to the ground…

Passing of the torch is what I got here in your story.

But the old man had to vet him first. Make sure he was the right fit.

The flashback is done nicely. Although it’s also said of that evening that he was offered a bottle and his friend smacked it out of his hand saying don’t never drink from a bottle you didn’t open yourself.

He was then given another bottle by the lady and refused to give it up.

Shame if that’s true, eh?

He was also supposedly poisoned by a jealous man, not a jealous woman as written on page 4.

Small point.

The story itself was very nicely written.

Thank you for allowing me the chance to read it.

Shawn…..><

WTF Discussion with Spoilers:

Seems everybody is kind of asking the same thing in different ways, so I'll just talk about how the story evolved in one blanket post -- in case anybody cares -- and just because I can -- which is one of the things I love about this site -- authors getting a rare opportunity to blather on about their work.

To start, the ending went through a number of revisions.  In the first ending, Jean had his own, ancient picture up there on the wall -- which is pretty straightforward and not too confusing as to what happened.

Then I had the idea, what if he "became" Robert Johnson?  What would that even mean?  And it felt right, somehow -- even though I was not really sure what it meant -- and then I had to think about it because folks would probably ask.

My own answer is that Robert Johnson, having sold his soul, is in hell.  And his hell is cyclic, living his short, doomed life and recording his cursed song so he could do it all over again.  This time he is Jean, destined to return and live the same mistakes, and next time he will just be some other soul tormented by the Blues.

But that is just my own interpretation.  It is also possible Jean went crazy after hearing the album and the rest of that stuff is just Jean's imagination.  

The other change was giving Gaston the roll of cash from Jean.  Originally he was just sweeping up and that was pretty much that.  The cash made him more complicit in all of this, and I liked that, even though he might not even know where the money came from.
  
Does Gaston even realize the picture of Robert Johnson is not the same picture he was looking at yesterday?  He sure doesn't act like it.  How often has the picture of Robert Johnson changed?  And nobody on Earth has ever noticed?  At that point it all gets very quantum and kind of gives me a headache.

So, whether any of these angles work to the story's benefit or are an inherent weakness is something I am still pondering.  But I had been sitting on this for weeks, and if I did not put it up I might never have put it up.  I have never been a fan of the ambiguous ending, but I kind of wrote one in spite of myself.

So, most of the WTF questions are addressed in the previous post so I can focus on some of the small stuff here.  Having fun reading the comments, and please drop me a PM if you have something specific for which I can return the favor.

Quoted from Reaper I'm equal parts lost and amazed, but I loved it nonetheless.

Thanks, Reaper.  Please refer to the notes above (such as they are...)

Quoted from spesh2k This woman who poisoned Robert Johnson -- why did she poison him? And she was the one who took his soul?

She was just the jealous bitch that killed him.  I never meant to imply anything supernatural about her, but maybe calling her "smoke-eyed woman" was misleading.  I just meant for her to be sexy.  Thanks for pointing to a specific spot of confusion.

Quoted from spesh2K But how did Jean, after being face to face w/ record dealer, come to recognize (or realize) that this figurine (an exact replica of record dealer) was Papa Legba?

Most in New Orleans will know of Papa Legba, but nobody would ever expect to see him in person.  I guess it is like how you can walk right past somebody famous in person, but it is not until somebody shows you a magazine or something and you are like, "Holy crap, it's that guy!"

Anyway, that is what I was going for.

Quoted from ghostwriter How long has it been?  Two years, maybe.

  
Yeah, at least.  Sheesh.

Quoted from ghostwriter ...I could feel the naked voodoo between the pages.

I found this totally hilarious.  I have no idea why.

Quoted from CoopBazinga (influenced by the movie of the same name with the Karate Kid I'm guessing?)

You know, I came across that film while doing some research and actually made a point NOT to watch it until I was done.  Thanks for reminding me that I need to check it out.  But there is tons of crossroads stuff long before that movie came along.

Quoted from CoopBazinga You could maybe think of another name for Papa Legba other than "Dealer" in the opening exchange - a blackjack dealer kept coming to mind when reading that scene.

Well, he "deals" in souls, but I get what you mean.  I struggled to come up with something else (that was not an actual name) but never found anything I liked better.

Quoted from rc1107 I know you were a little worried about your audience...

I was talking about this specific story, and how it might be received by those unfamiliar with its subject matter.  And as I suspected, most people are basically kind of confused about what is going on.

Quoted from rc1107 ...And also had Jean the same exact age.  Some kind of connection or reincarnation I though at first, but the more I think about it, I get kind of lost...

Hey, you caught the age!  Your explanation is the closest to mine, but I also get lost in it if I think too much.

Quoted from rc1107 So great I had to go and research Robert Johnson after I was finished.

Everybody is supposed to haha.

Quoted from rc1107 ...it was a dead giveaway with the soul talk that the shop dealer at first was the devil, or whatever.  This wasn't a story written for a twist.

Perfect, thank you.

Quoted from Silverback One thing this script didn't lack was "flavor". You definitely have a unique writer's voice and aren't afraid of taking risks.

But the stuff you are knocking in the next sentence or two is the voice haha.  I know what you mean, though, and I do push things sometimes -- even on purpose.  Just to drive Jeff nuts, mostly, but this site is a great testing ground for things that work and things that don't.

Quoted from LC Imagine if you were a Mod on a writing site and your writing kinda sucked? And, you got all these sycophants giving you glowing reviews just cause you're basically the second-in-command.

  
Oh, lord, if you only knew.  Those are the sort of thoughts that keep me up at night.  I have to wander over to Movie Poet once in a while for a proper beating to keep me honest.  I could have sworn you and I had crossed paths already, but if not, nice to do so.

Quoted from LC I was instantly in the mood for something like this having just recently watched the first Ep. of Treme too.

I like that show, but if you are not a big fan of New Orleans music and culture, there will not be much there for you.  It is a show for a specific audience.  And one of the lines from Sabine, how they are all songs about cheating, was actually cribbed (more or less) from Treme, though I forget which episode.

Quoted from LC ...but also reminded me of the series of scripts you did on SS - was it 'Soul Shadows'?

Wow...good eye.  This WAS a discarded idea for SoulShadows, when Cornetto was trying to drum up support for the 3D version.  The shattering album was one of the first scenes that came to mind before the whole thing kind of dropped.

Quoted from EWall433 I think I understand the purpose of the Mighty Fire record and it's disappearing vinyl grooves. It seemed like bait.

Yes, pretty much.  But I was thinking more like a drug that he had to have again.

Quoted from EWall433 Gaston...he's got Jean's money. This seems to implicate him in the disappearance. There's no reason to for Gaston to feign so much ignorance.

But it is not enough to fully implicate him.  Does Gaston remember anything?  Even where he got the money?  The story does not say.  I discuss this in the WTF post, and whether that angle works or is an inherent weakness is something I am still pondering.

Quoted from EWall433 It actually reminds me of the final shot in The Shining, with Jack Torrance smiling broadly from 1921.

Oh, that is excellent.  I am definitely going to use that on people who gripe about not understanding the end.

Quoted from Ledbetter First off, I like the title. It reminds me of the song (of the same name) by The Climax Blues Band.

Also a little-known song by John Lee Hooker

Quoted from Ledbetter The flashback is done nicely.  Shame if that's true, eh?

Nice to find somebody else who knows a bit.  I took a few liberties with the details to keep things short, but yeah, imagine what he could have done with another 20-30 years.  Instead, he was probably the first member of "The 27 Club."

Thanks, guys, and again, please drop me a PM you have something you would like me to look at!

Had a quick butchers at this (in the local English dialect that means I had a read).

I do like you writing Bert, it has a certain gracefulness to it. Now we could argue 'till the cows come home about some of the phraseogly used, eg the opening seventh ward line, but to me it works. Partly because it is limited, and partly because the contrast then helps the reader capture the tone.

Story wise I like the idea, a lost mysreious voice, voodoo and the blues all mixed together, but on reflection feel this could have been shorter. Was the scene with the young girl needed? I'll have another look.

I liked the idea that the victim gets to have one listen - only - of the music to hook them, like an addictive drug, which then leaves the listener dangling, vulnerable.

I also liked the aspiration of the young man to be on the wall, which turns out to be a curse - if that's how you meant it to play out. A simple reversal.

In terms of Jean, we only meet him at the shop, so his character, his desires, weaknesses etc have to be exposed through that moment and his words. I wonder whether you could set him up beforehand, so we know him as he walks through the door?

Is it better to have an open, not fully explained ending? To be honest I'm a simple reader so i like clarity. Here I feel there are some clear themes of desire and its emotional pull, of getting what you wanted but not necessarily what you need, and how this plays into the voodoo world and bridge between heaven and hell, life and death. So, on balance, I feel it would benefit from a clearer outcome and goals of those within, but I fully expect others to disagree. It's a matter of taste I suppose.

I do wish you would write more, always a joy to read and consider.

Cheers