Gabriel,

I’m going to deliver my review in bullet points like most people on this website do anyway but I’m self-important enough to feel the need to announce it beforehand.

• (p1) Colon after FADE IN
  
• (p2) I don’t think “that… draws a queer look…” needs to be separated. It’d work better as a single sentence.
  
• (p3) Same with “Ed…win’s,” unless it proves important in the rest of the story. Also, in the same piece of dialogue “you’re” should be “your.”
  
• Everyone’s grinning so much it feels like I’m watching a Chucky movie.
  
• (p5) Writing that Rachel can make money by selling the cell isn’t anything that can be shown on screen. You’re relaying information to the reader which has nothing to do with what a character is actually doing in the story. Maybe change it to something like “She shrugs, knowing she can still use the cell to suit her liking,” to better describe what’s taking place visually.
  
• (p5) I recommend making the names of the missing persons capitalized instead of their descriptions, so: “The picture shows a smiling JANET CLARKE (30s), brunette female” (although I’m not sure how necessary “female” is considering Janet’s an assumed female name). Do the same for the rest of the names if you choose to follow my advice. However, if the text BRUNETTE FEMALE is somehow accentuated on the flyer itself that point should be clarified and the way you have it written now is understandable.
  edit: Now that I’ve finished the script, it’s easy to see that the names weren’t capitalized because they weren’t slated to be characters in the long run.
  

That being said, the script was well written. It was concise while putting forth the necessary amount of detail. I enjoyed the twist of Rachel punching through the glass window and knocking the daylights out of Gloria, though I’m admittedly still confused about who she was. Why did Satan call her or am I horribly misunderstanding that? Based on prior comments she’s a demon but that’s not enunciated very well. A call from Satan with no previous explanation or hint that she’s of the underworld does nothing but leave readers/viewers confused. You could have her eyes change colors before the fight begins so it’s expressed that there’s something preternatural happening here, otherwise it seems like a story about a hitchhiker who was secretly an unarmed cop/vigilante (the missing persons insert didn’t make much sense in context either) who gave her would-be captors what they deserved.

I did enjoy the feel of the script and again Rachel kicking ass was unexpected. Work on incorporating the demon aspect a little bit more into this and I’d say you have a pretty solid piece here.

Keep it up.

Thanks Tendai-moyo review

Going to correct the issues you've mentioned.

That's a good idea about the eyes...or some other physical change that would suggest her supernatural element.  

The missing person flyers had two jobs in the script. The first job was to convey that Rachel knows about this couple. The second job was to show the audience and reader what this couple truly are and how long they've been doing it.  

I'll probably just eliminate the demon aspect and stick with a monster from hell.  Rachel's a vigilante monster from hell.

Glad you enjoyed it. Let me know if you would like something read,
Gabe

Quoted Text Question, why did you laugh at the end? Not that I have a problem with it. Just curious if it's a good or bad thing. lol.

Ha, it was a good laugh.  Just the idea of getting a phone call from Satan, and the casual "Naturally, she answers it".  Wasn't quite expecting it.

Hey Gabe,

The positive about this script: it's generally well constructed.

Page 1:

"Seeing Joel from the backseat, Gloria knows she’s the one."

Difficult to interpret. Consider removing.

"Rachel enters Joel’s car."

Vague. Passenger side? Back?

Page 2:

"Rachel has a tattoo. A large snake wraps around her left arm."

Could try:

"Her left arm bares a tatoo of a large snake."

"RACHEL
King...Stephen."

Confusing. Is she going to see Stephen King?

"Rachel guzzles it down fast and lets out a long, inhuman
sounding BELCH that...
draws a queer look from Joel and Gloria."

Should be on the same line. I don't quite get the importance of this. Consider removing.

Page 3:

"Joel and Gloria grin."

I don't get this. Why have this reaction?

"Joel grins."

I don't get this either. What sort of message is this suppose to be conveying?

"Bachmann. It’s in King."

So you're suggesting to us the world is fictional. Sort of breaking the fourth wall.

"Joel squints."

What/where is he squinting at?

"They’ll
have you’re car fixed no time."

*your*

"RACHAEL
You’re from King?
Joel shakes his head no.
JOEL
I’ve just been there so many times.
Have you been to King?
RACHAEL
My first time.
JOEL
Well, it’s a nice place."

This exchange is premature because we (that is, I) know nothing about this place. So what's really the point of me reading/hearing about it? How does add anything to the story?

"He grins at her.
She returns the grin back."

I have no idea why these people are ginning so much. It's on the boarder of comedy and horror. I can't say I find it funny but then again I can't say I find it horrific either.

"JOEL
That’s one of the bonuses of this
job. The traveling. You get to see
so much. We’ve been to King,
Sterling, Easton Ellis,
Highsmith. The downside is paying
for the traveling. We’re at King."

Have no clue how this advances anything. Matter of fact, the scene containing this dialogue would be better removed.

"Rachel lies back on her seat, snoring."

Why is this relevant?

Page 5:

Okay so things actually pick up now.

"A KNOCK comes from the car door window behind her."

Unclear.

------------------

I didn't get it. The action picked up on page 5. Almost everything prior to it was useless.

The action was well constructed. I didn't really struggle with it as is normally the case with other scripts. So this is a huge plus.

"The missing person flyers had two jobs in the script. The first job was to convey that Rachel knows about this couple."

I read this from one of your comments and so I just have to ask: Where was this? I completely missed it.

-J.S.

Thanks Gage for letting me know.

Thanks J.S. for your review. I'm going to be offering my explanations for some of my choices.

SPOILERS!

THE GRINS - I only count five but, I'll cut them down. Some of the grins are used as a response to dialogue. For instance,

"JOEL
Well, it�s a nice place.

He grins at her.

She returns the grin back."

Joel's grin represents assurance since according to him, he's been there. Rachel's grin represents "thank you".  I try to cut down on dialogue by using expressions.

THIS LINE.
"Rachel guzzles it down fast and lets out a long, inhuman
sounding BELCH that...
draws a queer look from Joel and Gloria."

This is a writing style of mine. I view each line as a scene so, I make it out like that. One scene is Rachel guzzling and then belching. The next scene focuses on Joel and Gloria looking queerly at Rachel.

MISSING PERSON FLYERS, it's on pg. 5. When Gloria looks into Rachel's backpack.

KING, STEPHEN. I use people's names as places. King, Stephen (author) Sterling, Rod (The Twillight Zone).

ALMOST EVERYTHING PRIOR TO PG. 5 WAS USELESS. Everything before pg. 5 was just to pass the time until the action happened. I'm building up to that action. As much as I like to start something quick, I decided to give it some time before I went into it.

The premise of the story is getting back at a serial killer couple. The serial couple drug their victims to sleep (hence, Rachel snoring); Joel rapes them and kills them; Gloria robs the shit out of them. That's it.  Just that Rachel ain't no ordinary girl. lol.

Thanks again.
Gabe

NEW DRAFT UP!

CHANGES
Edited descriptions (ex. deleted two grins.).

Worked on Rachel's reveal a bit more.  

Gabe