Quoted from RegularJohn A single scene, two characters, and no dialogue was the challenge I issued myself.

I think you succeeded.

Nice challenge, btw... I'm also trying to use more imagery less dialogue with the current rewrite of one of my scripts.

It's a fun task.  It really helps a story have more impact and gets rid of shit like OTN dialogue.

Thanks, Reap.  If you or anyone else here needs a read by the way, feel free to drop me an email or PM and I'll get on it.

Hey Johnny,

I appreciate the fact that you were going for an exercise here.  I think it came across well, although I did have a few issues with the writing itself.

I would have liked a better description of Bill from the outset.  We got a really good idea of his mindset here --perhaps that was all you were really going for here.  But I really dig visuals.

Also, your sentences could have been tightened up some.  For a one pager, the way your action blocks are set up, it looks daunting.  Basically, it just "looks" like a lot to read.  Sounds strange, I know.

For instance, the last action block, as I understand it, caused a little confusion from some of the posts I've read.  I think this could have been cleared up by breaking that action block into two.  That way we can have a clear image of three-fingered Bill behind her holding the cleaver.

Plus you also said the gold ring was on the bloody stump.  You mean, after all that he still wasn't able to get that damn ring off?

All in all, not bad.  But I def think it would benefit the story if you tighten your action.  You have a lot of sentences that could be shorter, and some sentences that could be chopped or eliminated altogether.

Steve

::SPOILERS::
I like how in the end he still can't get the ring off so he goes to plan B:  Till death do us part.

Jordan

Quoted from Nomad ::SPOILERS:: I like how in the end he still can't get the ring off so he goes to plan B:  Till death do us part.

Yeah, that's exactly how I saw it as well. Although, as a few people have been confused by the ending, I would clarify this slightly more.

Not really much else for me to comment on, given the script's short length. But despite the short length, you managed to get some cool visuals in and convey a lot, considering the lack of dialogue. I'm currently writing a short film that will be a music video, so I know how tough it is to try and get a story across with solely visuals!

Writing was rather condensed, but obviously you were trying to get everything into one page. So job well done there.

Will be interesting to see how long this would be if filmed. I reckon it would be nearer the three-four minute mark (unless we have Michael Bay directing and editing), given the condensed action.

Good stuff, man.

Johnny, pretty well done for an exercise, as you did succeed in what you set out to do.

However, as some have mentioned, your passages are for the most part, all incorrectly broken up and the reason appears to be in the hopes of saving lines, to get this to fit on 1 page.  And that is a bigger problem than you may think it is, as the reality is that based on your writing, this shouldn't fit on 1 page.

The fact that there's no dialogue does give you a chance to make this fit on 1 page with proper passage breaks, but you'll need to cut out alot of the fat here, as others correctly suggested.

I don't see any montages or series of shots, but as written, this really isn't correct and I see why/how some could be confused at times.

My advise is to rewrite this and break up your passages properly and condense this to the point where it does fit onto 1 page...and see what you have left and compare the 2.

You may be surprised how much this helps you going forward, as my bet is that the new draft reads much better.

Good job here, though, bro any way you look at it.  

Steve.  Thanks for taking a look at this.  One thing I do is describe characters gradually as I go which is a knack of mine.  It's something I'll have to iron out and give an idea out the gate of how a character looks.

Toby.  The ending has been tripping up a few so I'll check that out and see what I can do with it.  Thanks for the read.  Hope the music vid goes alright.  Hope to see it on the boards sometime soon.

Dreamscale.  The condensed page is a problem that I'll definitely be looking to fix.  I guess I got so concerned with taking out the orphan lines and getting this to size, I didn't consider how this short looked as a whole.  If I do rewrite this down the road sometime, I'll probably take your advice and see about stretching this out and doing some trimming.  In any case, I'm still glad this wasn't a stinker.  Thanks for the review.

This was great. And you did well at giving the reader a story without using any dialogue or exposition.

What I also liked about it, was that even though it was only a page, the first few paragraphs made me wonder where it was going, and I was not expecting the direction it took at all.

I liked how you ended it as well, with him standing behind her with the cleaver. I actually laughed though when you said that the ring was still on his hand. I presumed that he missed (not sure if that is what you were going for) or that he had cut it off in hopes of sliding it off easier, so I found that a bit humorous. I don't know if that was your intention. Maybe I'm just a bit sadistic.

Only one problem I noticed was a typo. Flem is actually spelled phlegm.

Mr. Diaz,

Nicely done. For one page you've been able to build up a ton of suspense. I love the take on "Til death do us apart." Freaky but in a good way. Great job, bro.

- Dirk

Thanks Seb for giving this a read.  I have a kind of messed up sense of humor too so you aren't alone.  Can't say I gave this story that ending in hopes of giving a laugh but I'm happy you enjoyed it in any case.

Dirk.  Always good to hear from you.  Glad you liked it.  Let me know if you need something read.

Thanks for reposting, Don.

Rewrote this so it wasn't so clunky.  Hopefully it reads clearer.

Heated embrace! Maybe they live in Alaska. Gets cold there. lol. Great job, Johnny. Reads smooth. Curious to know if you're gonna film this yourself.

Take care,

Dirk

It's heated embracing or hypothermia!  haha.  I've never thought about filming this or even filming at all.  It's definitely something to think about.

Anyways, thanks for the read, Dirk.

Hey Johnny

Reads much better now. lol.

Suggestion, how about having Rachel turn around to see her husband and see him pick up the cleaver?

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Thanks a bunch for the read, Gabe.

I really aimed for a grim final image and was bouncing around between her seeing him and his disfigured hand.  There may be a way to pull off both.  Maybe as he grabs the cleaver from the ground, the camera could show the turning of Rachael's feet.  I don't know; I think I'd better leave it up to a director if this ever generates any interest.

Thanks again.