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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Holy 3D Christmas Moderators: bert
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  Author    Holy 3D Christmas  (currently 4396 views)
DS
Posted: November 10th, 2014, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Last Fountain - Gave this a read, my thoughts:

Damn, you've put me in my Christmas spirit early, a really enjoyable read that got emotions out of me well along with great Christmas atmosphere straight from the title page. That definitely takes skill, a voice shines through here as well, all signs of good writing. Some odd formatting, I think you should make some things more conventional e.g parentheticals in the right place, ELLIOT NARRATION to ELLIOT (V.O), RING RING's to action lines. Wouldn't want others to close the script over it, they'd be missing out.


Quoted Text
EXT. A CARTOON WINTER WONDERLAND � DAY

Cartoon snowflakes fall from the bright blue sky. The animated
sunrays reach down to the winter wonderland below.


The opening seems to want to beat it into my head that it's animated, overkill.

I like how the short starts with the animated sequence and then turns into real life, especially the pre-lap phone ringing. Elliot's character well established from the get-go through the phone call with Sir. Great dialogue here, I like how Sir's character isn't overplayed to nice or an antagonist.

The flashback is really well written, strongest part of the script. Pages are flying by.


Quoted Text
P17: ELLIOT (sighs)
I miss you, Kev.


An unnecessary moment of Elliot basically talking to himself. It's already been established enough that he does plenty in the script, feels like overdoing it.

P23: Squirrel/Kevin killing the bird gives me mixed emotions. I envisioned them sort of like Tom & Jerry, especially in the opening scene of the short. Always at it, but they always remain intact whatever happens to them. Now the Crow is dead? I don't know, Squirrel seems pretty bloody cruel with the knife like that. Takes some heart out of the script, I'd rather see Crow fly off defeated.

From the start of page 25 things are starting to look rushed and somewhat cheesy. It feels like the scene at Kevin's relatives house deserves to be fleshed out more, and as it is I'm not buying into the squirrel/Kevin thing as much as I'd want to anymore. Now here's a suggestion: An alternative scenario where Elliot is the only one that can see the squirrel, they decide to go visit the family and Kevin tells Elliot what he'd want to see/know/say to all of them with that one chance to see them, somewhat being the middleman. It could have a lot of emotional response and yet we'd always be wondering whether it's all in Elliot's head or not.

Kevin's sister asking Elliot out - Very abrupt and a big reason for me using the word cheesy for what comes through past page 25. It may warm some cockles, but i see it as an overdone development for too big of a happy ending.

After finishing, I can't help but wonder whether Elliot had the right age for the script. The child in him was clearly present and some dialogue with Sir seemed to indicate that he'd be younger, early 20s perhaps, where the scars would be fresher (Uncle telling him to draw seemed more recent, 11-13 sounds like a better fit than 20 ; his job sounded more like he was an intern).

Well, that's what I got - hope it helped. I'd say this is definitely worth a revision, go for it. Good luck!
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LC
Posted: November 10th, 2014, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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A few thoughts.

I'd intercut the telephone conversation with Elliot and his boss so we can see what SIR looks like - give him a name btw. He reminded me of one of George Constanza's boss on Seinfeld. There's too much dialogue back and forth imh for this to be a one-way (seen) conversation.

I'd call that Elliot Narration a V.O.
I'd replace 'ya' with 'yeah' -  a little too much 'ya' ing going on for my liking which pulled me out of the story quite a bit.
parenthetical on page 12 needs putting in the right pos. - underneath, not directly parallel to the character name.

Enough technical/formatting mumbo-jumbo - As far as story goes I think this actually suffers a little from cramming too big a story into a long 'short', so my advice would be to go for the feature length.

Most importantly I didn't like the way Kevin died - when he's first set alight it seemed to me with the parents rushing out of the house etc. and Elliot being there, that they'd really be able to get to him before it's too late. I know it's been used a lot in film but the 'boy falling through the ice' is a much more dramatic scenario. I'd think of something along those lines - comparable in dramatic intensity. Perhaps the boys dare each other to do something dangerous - Elliot can then suffer more guilt etc. and it's a tear jerk moment i.e., your audience is invested. As it played out I didn't really like it and it would be pretty horrible on screen for the little ones.

I like a lot of your descriptions - some could be refined perhaps and pared back but overall you evoke a clear visual of everything that's going on, in particular the Christmas snow scenes/time of the year etc.

I'm with DS re the pairing of the Squirrel and the Crow - though they're foes remember the cardinal rule in old animation - which I think applies still to this day. Even when they're run over time and time again they get up again to live and fight another day and the banter between them is both dramatic but especially comedic. You might want to think of your audience demographic here - family friendly, right?

All in the all, you've got something solid to work with here and you should definitely work on developing it into  feature length imh.


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Last Fountain
Posted: November 10th, 2014, 11:38pm Report to Moderator
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Alex, DS,  LC

Thanks for taking time to read this. And thank you for the kind words. You gave a lot of solid feedback.

I'm happy you pointed out a few problem areas to focus on. It's really helpful. The Looney Toons reference is spot on. You're right guys. I didn't even think on that. I also had a hard time cramming a few too many moments at the end. Your feedback helps me balance that out.

I think I'll polish this short and adapt it to feature. Fingers crossed I'll have it for the holidays.

Thanks for the insightful advice.

Dan


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

BORED? Check out my movie news for movie nerds BLOG.
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Last Fountain
Posted: December 24th, 2014, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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Merry Christmas everyone!

Just a quick check in for the Holiday...

I expanded this into a 1 hour special.  It should be posted soon.

In the meantime you can check it out on my site... in my experimental PICTUREplay format...

Enjoy your holidays!

http://thelastfountain.wordpress.com/2014/12/23/holy-3d-christmas/


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

BORED? Check out my movie news for movie nerds BLOG.
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Last Fountain
Posted: April 22nd, 2015, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys,

What's up my fellow nerds? Just popping in to say I've been hard at work adding a lot more of my screenplays in my experimental PICTUREplay format.

http://thelastfountain.wordpress.com

there are a few scripts I posted here on SS, including the recent 7WC

D A N


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

BORED? Check out my movie news for movie nerds BLOG.
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