Holy 3D Christmas! by Daniel Viau (last fountain) - Short, Family, Holiday, Family Fantasy - An animator converting retro cartoons into modern 3D brings his creation to life... into real 3D... with the aid of Holiday magic.  56 pages - pdf, format

Daniel,

Definitely want to read this especially since you're a contributing member. I don't have the time to read this at the moment but I'll check it out later tonight and give a review tomorrow or the next day.

Take care,

Dirk

Hello Daniel,
hope you're fine. Nice to see that you have a new script. I've read it this morning.

We were hardly discussing screenplays many times. As I expected, your concept is another sleeping giant behind a script for target audience alternative stuff/fans. I don't want to roll on the discussion again; I stay on what it is here.

Yeah, I liked. I think you're not able to write a script I don't like . Much fantasy inside- surely expected as well. You also used your typical, melancholic breathed on, humorous kind of characters. I like them.


SPOILER
The ending was cheesy, but needed, cause, Kevin's death was so sad; Elliot thinking and talking about, too. You really got me there.

I wondered of the deep ponits here, you showed me a new part of your range.

The dialogue was constantly too long IMO; especially at the "Santa exists" part, the producers phonecall and ending. It seems you speak every word and every thought, you got there, out– in these dialogues. Out of that it was partly very, very good dialogue. Sometimes a bit too playful, no problem.

I saw some problems in the descriptions in Act 3 as well. From what I know from you, it feels like you did that part of the script very fast.


Squirrel was just amazing. There were great pictures and your description sometimes is just awesome. So, it's the same way I used to see your stuff; I like it, but itself it got the problems I don't want to argument anymore.

Your scripts always want the audience to enjoy. For me that worked.

Hey, you got something with magic animals on the co-driver seat...

You're a good writer in my eyes, you know…

Thanks for reading this. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I was aiming for silly fun with melancholic tones. I harsh contrast I know.
I did this short because I was in a holiday mood. I wanted to throwback to the 80s. This is a very first draft I wrote the other day. It was a premise I have for a feature.I shifted the focus to include the holidays and added a sad backstory.

Thanks again for reading and commenting. I really do appreciate it. Email me sometime. I wonder if you got a chance to read one of my features. They have a more balanced tone than the super silly stuff in that show you read. I have 2 more episodes of FOX N DOG written by the way. I'll post them soon.

Spoilers ahead.

That was a wonderful magic Christmas story. It touched me on several levels. I remembered staying up late trying to get a glimpse of Santa, then later the time when I started to think he wasn’t real but desperately wanted him to be real.

The dialogue between the two boys was spot on, I did think farp was overused but that’s a minor niggle. That fort would have to be something pretty spectacular to cause such a fatality as well, but that’s all in the detail really.

It is a weird thing suspension of disbelief isn’t it? I had no trouble believing the Squirrel and the Crow could pop into our world in animated form. And yet I struggled with the concept of Kevin being accepted back into his family without screams of terror and mental breakdowns!

I also realise if this was made into a movie that kids would have no trouble accepting any of it; the explanation that it’s ‘The Magic of Christmas’ would be enough for them. So it’s simply my opinion, my age and my experience influencing me. I would however suggest if you did want this to appeal to adults more we simply have Kevin visiting his parents from a distance, maybe sneaking some special gifts under the tree but never able to actually reveal himself. That would be a real emotional tear jerker.  

I did like the suggestion that only one Christmas wish is answered per year, that was a nice touch and put a ‘Hmm, maybe it could be real?’ spin on it.

Thanks for writing and sharing this story, it was a very pleasant read.

Mark

Thanks for such nice words. I'm glad it moved you. That's what I hope would happen.  I'm also happy it brought back happy holiday memories from childhood.

This is for a family, so some leaps in logic are required. I also hope that if kids saw this it might help deal with loss and growing up.

Happy holidays

Terrific work!

Thanks. I'm glad you liked it.

I'm still working on the feature version. What do guys think about that? Should I include real cartoon characters as well? Should they go nuts in the city? Should I include the traditional villain arc for some action sequences?  

Or should it just focus on the loss of a loved one, our memories, and the mahical reunions?

Thanks for all the kindness.

This was really cute Daniel. And written well for the most part. I do think you can trim it though. And some of the dialog was great but other parts were just conversational which slowed things down and some just didn't sound natural. Read them out loud. that really helps.

You have something nice here. I cared about Elliot and the story touched my heart. GREAT JOB! Just keep tweeking it. Best of luck!

A few notes...

I love this. -- "It’s like a twisted holiday version of Nam. The snow explodes around the squirrel like shrapnel from an explosive."

I'm picturing the first 3 pages as a mix between the squirrel shorts before every Ice Age film and Wile E. Coyote & The Road Runner.

Pg. 5 - "Annoyed he’s been interrupted." -- You don't need this line. You described it perfectly in the first line.

Pg. 5 - Sir's voice should be a (VO)

5-8 That phone conversation went on too long.

pg. 8 - I like that he's telling his story to Sir. Nice.

Pg. 9 - Elliot's  narration should just be (VO) / Kevin's name should be Capped / (scratches his head) should be under Kevin's name.

I like that Kevin calls Elliot a farp. Great way to show Elliot incorporating past memories into his cartoons.

Pg. 11 - I think Kevin may have lice. Only kidding. I like that you gave him a quirk. Adds character.

Love this:  KEVIN - Who told you that, your Uncle Mike? ELLIOT - So what? KEVIN - He just wants to play with your toys.

Thanks, Marnie. I'm glad this made you FEEL. That's what I hoped. Glad you had fun too.

I thought describing the snowball fight like Nam would help you see this from a younger perspective. As a kid you use your imagination more. So in pretend land a snowball fight IS war. Heck, a stick or your finger can be a weapon. But, I digress. Hahaha.

I agree with some trimming. Esp. With the phone. I'll take the technical advice to heart too. Thanks.

I'm glad you noticed the character traits. I tried sprinkling them in so the transformation would be more clear. Especially for children in the audience. Maybe the scratching and farp stuff was too forced though. It was a tough balance.

Thanks again. I apappreciate you taking the time to break it down too.

D A N

Hey Daniel;

Hope all is well.

I'll start by saying; even though I'm done with the whole Christmas scene for this year, and I'm definitely ready for this deep freeze to end (I think most of North America is); I can always find the time to read something that has '3D' and 'Christmas' in the logline, and I'm glad I did, this was a heart warming story, and very nostalgic for me on several levels.

First and foremost; the story having a flashback to the 80's, and being in a winter wonderland to boot! In my neck of the woods the winters are loooooong and cold, but I don't think I need to sell you on that. Snowmen and Forts were pretty much a staple of growing up, or at the very least, something to occupy cabin fever, and there were always these urban legends that got the best of us with respect to a 'Snow Fort' caving in on someone's head... but we still couldn't resist digging into a huge pile of freshly plowed snow.

Anyways, after reading this script, I got the sense that most of what you wrote was penned straight from an emotional perspective, and I believe that's where you may have overlooked aspects of this story that could truly make this appear 'Magical' or miraculous. I couldn't place it at first, I had to think and rethink about what was missing, and it wasn't evident until I read the script again.

Whenever we hear about an 'Icon' or 'Relic', most people immediately think of an object associated with a religion, cult, or ancient tomb archive to be put on a shelf for all to admire, but they invade our spaces everywhere... it's only when we care to look for them, that they will present themselves in their true identity.

I'm saying this; for I believe you had inadvertently put one in the story ... it was Kevin's 'Blue Mitten' that was reaching out to Elliot from the tomb at the moment of death. I unconsciously thought it would show later, as something Elliot stole to heart in order to remember his best friend on the night he died.

When the CPU went into over drive during a render, and bright lights were coming from within, it really had no connection for me in regards to Kevin, or inspiration for his return.

Then I was thinking that the 'Traditional' lanterns could also represent objects of reflection (fire is a powerful medium in folklore), these lanterns could easily be replicated later on with any other form of fire. Perhaps the flames being snuffed out by a cold wind the night he died, then having a candle, or something similar in the scene, re-igniting itself on the night of his return.

Then there's the night sky; you could paint it with a flurry of unexplained celestial events transpiring on both the Christmas Eve of (Kevin's death), and the Eve of his return, images mirrored together to signify hyperbolic activity from beyond time; a shooting star across the horizon, with the faint sound of 'Jingle Bells' playing off in the distance, perhaps.

All these are merely afterthoughts from reading the story, and in no way implies me telling you what to write, but as you can see, this story has me thinking possibilities, and that's always a good sign that you're onto something.

You actually did use the reflection in the side view 'Mirror' on the car as an allegorical representation of Kevin residing within the virtual of 'Acorn', and that worked very well... it was subtle, but those are the little things that crawl into the psyche when we're reading or watching something unfold, and it helps us to understand the deeper connection without trying to evaluate the unrealistic parts of the story.

The 'flashback' might happen a little earlier on, in order to break up the telephone call; it seemed to carry on for awhile with no action. In this respect, you might not require so much exposition to sell the idea of 'ACORN' to 'SIR'.

Christmas Eve is tranquil and silent, yet filled with this 'electricity' of possibilities that anything can happen, and regardless of how obtuse or disconnected a concept you're trying to present may be... , there is the always the one thing people will resort to for stability of structure, and that's to just accept and believe. Don't all Christmas movies rely on this in some way or another?

I won't bang on about formatting, we can all learn to format properly by reading other scripts. Even though it's important, really important, as long as it's not too bad, I think functionality before formality is the best route. Get the story down first; you can always pretty it up later.

I hope this helps you in some way. Keep writing!

Take care, Rick.

Hey Dan

Returning the red. Don't expect the same notes as you provided me and I may have to this in parts.

As we go...

Title - curious, not sure what to expect.
Logline - now I'm crap at these, so take any advice I give with a pinch of slat, but it does seem a little clunky
Date - I would date a script , quickly suggests it's out of date

Having cartoon in the slug and then the first word could annoy some...but...as you are being very specific here I would go for it and avoid confusion
But I would change he's rolling , for he rolls etc. Could be ..' He rolls a boulder across the snow for the head ?
Farp - like that

RING RING - I suppose you could do this in the middle of the page, like dialogue but tradition would more have it on the left. Avoids confusion with anybody talking
Plug and play houses - not a phrase I know
'Some fathers..' No need for some
Sir ...bit mixed over this name. Does kind of work with the childhood, regression, passive situation ,but a more powerful name may exist. One to consider.
Be wary of too many directions alongside the characters name - essential only and underneath in brackets

Up to p11 - nice pace to it, and intriguing. Good characters as well. Format issues are not big, just fine tuning.

Will try and finish later.

carrying on...

p15 just says FADE
same page 17.. and a few other times
p21/22 spacing between character and action seems tight

ok kind of surreal, to a degree, at the end.

Its a warm hearted tale but in some ways feels like an over extended short or a limited version of a feature. For example, the Sir part could be avoided and i thinks would still get the story - i know it helps to explain, but flashback, photos, him talking tot eh characters etc could have played that out.

elliot and sister at the end seemed out of the blue

overall, its quite unique, creative and a warm read.

perhaps the script could open with them gathered, anticipation - will he come. we think its santa but actually its whether the squirrel will return. say it only happens on xmas day.

the story then outlines why, with us seeing him disappear at the end, cutting back to the opening and will he return which you can then choose to confirm or leave open. etc

all the best

A shameless little Holiday bump.

As Christmas approaches, I'm thinking of adapting this into feature length.

I'm hoping for some feedback as well. Like was this short enjoyable or emotional? Is it worth revision? I'm curious about ideas on how to expand upon this concept.

I will gladly swap reviews with anyone willing.

thanks for any consideration...
Dan

Yeah, do what you said.

It's overwritten, but you can develop emotions as no other one can here, from what I read of course and in my opinion. Being a big fan of you made me your hardest critic once. Try to cut out every line which isn't about your emotional strength I described above. I'm not getting tired saying that. The script has those moments for the heart, my christmas reread I guess.

Hi Last Fountain - Gave this a read, my thoughts:

Damn, you've put me in my Christmas spirit early, a really enjoyable read that got emotions out of me well along with great Christmas atmosphere straight from the title page. That definitely takes skill, a voice shines through here as well, all signs of good writing. Some odd formatting, I think you should make some things more conventional e.g parentheticals in the right place, ELLIOT NARRATION to ELLIOT (V.O), RING RING's to action lines. Wouldn't want others to close the script over it, they'd be missing out.

Quoted Text EXT. A CARTOON WINTER WONDERLAND � DAY Cartoon snowflakes fall from the bright blue sky. The animated sunrays reach down to the winter wonderland below.

The opening seems to want to beat it into my head that it's animated, overkill.

I like how the short starts with the animated sequence and then turns into real life, especially the pre-lap phone ringing. Elliot's character well established from the get-go through the phone call with Sir. Great dialogue here, I like how Sir's character isn't overplayed to nice or an antagonist.

The flashback is really well written, strongest part of the script. Pages are flying by.

Quoted Text P17: ELLIOT (sighs) I miss you, Kev.

An unnecessary moment of Elliot basically talking to himself. It's already been established enough that he does plenty in the script, feels like overdoing it.

P23: Squirrel/Kevin killing the bird gives me mixed emotions. I envisioned them sort of like Tom & Jerry, especially in the opening scene of the short. Always at it, but they always remain intact whatever happens to them. Now the Crow is dead? I don't know, Squirrel seems pretty bloody cruel with the knife like that. Takes some heart out of the script, I'd rather see Crow fly off defeated.

From the start of page 25 things are starting to look rushed and somewhat cheesy. It feels like the scene at Kevin's relatives house deserves to be fleshed out more, and as it is I'm not buying into the squirrel/Kevin thing as much as I'd want to anymore. Now here's a suggestion: An alternative scenario where Elliot is the only one that can see the squirrel, they decide to go visit the family and Kevin tells Elliot what he'd want to see/know/say to all of them with that one chance to see them, somewhat being the middleman. It could have a lot of emotional response and yet we'd always be wondering whether it's all in Elliot's head or not.

Kevin's sister asking Elliot out - Very abrupt and a big reason for me using the word cheesy for what comes through past page 25. It may warm some cockles, but i see it as an overdone development for too big of a happy ending.

After finishing, I can't help but wonder whether Elliot had the right age for the script. The child in him was clearly present and some dialogue with Sir seemed to indicate that he'd be younger, early 20s perhaps, where the scars would be fresher (Uncle telling him to draw seemed more recent, 11-13 sounds like a better fit than 20 ; his job sounded more like he was an intern).

Well, that's what I got - hope it helped. I'd say this is definitely worth a revision, go for it. Good luck!

A few thoughts.

I'd intercut the telephone conversation with Elliot and his boss so we can see what SIR looks like - give him a name btw. He reminded me of one of George Constanza's boss on Seinfeld. There's too much dialogue back and forth imh for this to be a one-way (seen) conversation.

I'd call that Elliot Narration a V.O.
I'd replace 'ya' with 'yeah' -  a little too much 'ya' ing going on for my liking which pulled me out of the story quite a bit.
parenthetical on page 12 needs putting in the right pos. - underneath, not directly parallel to the character name.

Enough technical/formatting mumbo-jumbo - As far as story goes I think this actually suffers a little from cramming too big a story into a long 'short', so my advice would be to go for the feature length.

Most importantly I didn't like the way Kevin died - when he's first set alight it seemed to me with the parents rushing out of the house etc. and Elliot being there, that they'd really be able to get to him before it's too late. I know it's been used a lot in film but the 'boy falling through the ice' is a much more dramatic scenario. I'd think of something along those lines - comparable in dramatic intensity. Perhaps the boys dare each other to do something dangerous - Elliot can then suffer more guilt etc. and it's a tear jerk moment i.e., your audience is invested. As it played out I didn't really like it and it would be pretty horrible on screen for the little ones.

I like a lot of your descriptions - some could be refined perhaps and pared back but overall you evoke a clear visual of everything that's going on, in particular the Christmas snow scenes/time of the year etc.

I'm with DS re the pairing of the Squirrel and the Crow - though they're foes remember the cardinal rule in old animation - which I think applies still to this day. Even when they're run over time and time again they get up again to live and fight another day and the banter between them is both dramatic but especially comedic. You might want to think of your audience demographic here - family friendly, right?

All in the all, you've got something solid to work with here and you should definitely work on developing it into  feature length imh.

Alex, DS,  LC

Thanks for taking time to read this. And thank you for the kind words. You gave a lot of solid feedback.

I'm happy you pointed out a few problem areas to focus on. It's really helpful. The Looney Toons reference is spot on. You're right guys. I didn't even think on that. I also had a hard time cramming a few too many moments at the end. Your feedback helps me balance that out.

I think I'll polish this short and adapt it to feature. Fingers crossed I'll have it for the holidays.

Thanks for the insightful advice.

Dan

Merry Christmas everyone!

Just a quick check in for the Holiday...

I expanded this into a 1 hour special.  It should be posted soon.

In the meantime you can check it out on my site... in my experimental PICTUREplay format...

Enjoy your holidays!

http://thelastfountain.wordpress.com/2014/12/23/holy-3d-christmas/

Hey guys,

What's up my fellow nerds? Just popping in to say I've been hard at work adding a lot more of my screenplays in my experimental PICTUREplay format.

http://thelastfountain.wordpress.com

there are a few scripts I posted here on SS, including the recent 7WC

D A N