I think using split screen is something you'd use in a shooting script, not here.  It wasted page space and took me out of the story.  Maybe you should use INTERCUT next time.

I have to wonder how Rosalie knew that the cable wasn't blocked in the master bedroom.

I'm not familiar with the urban legend, though I can imagine it with your story.  Shortening it a little would improve it a great deal.


Phil

I remember that urban legend. I also think you did a pretty good job with this. I hate mannequins. I don't think the split screen does anything for this story though. Just show it the traditional way. I think that would be creepier.

You could probably film this yourself.  

Remember when we did an OWC based on urban legends?  Lol! That was fun.  http://www.snopes.com/snopes.asp

Hey Gabriel,

Split screen usage is unique.  And I really, really hate mannequins.  Something about them creeps me the HELL OUT, lol.  There's a china doll in the other room, Japanese design, freaking creepy thing stares into your soul.

Anyways, enough of my statue phobias for a sec.  Onto the main attraction.

A small note:
Page 5 - I can cover up the mannequin, maybe switch "I" and "can" around?

Page 5 - before "a" answer hits her, "before an answer hits her".

Page 6 - There's a intruder, "an".

Phew... kinda creepy, Gabriel.  The use of the mannequin, this small thing that should not move, killing a family and leaving a message on the wall?  Let me just say, this script is freaky as hell.

I've a vivid imagination, and the thought of some creepy-a** mannequin moving around the damn house is a chilling thought to behold.

This had the creep factor, definitely eerie.  Good, creepy, eerie short here.  

I HATE MANNEQUINS! lol.

-Lee

I rather liked that Gabe.

The split screen didn't bother me. Was it the best way to tell the story, well that could be debated versus intercutting, but still it showed a dynamic story envolving  in two different locations.

I would agree there is too much information with the split screens., each has a two lines of slug so shorten that up.

However, the idea of a mannequin in the bedroom, which is not real, as conveyed by an innocent young girl, is rather effective.

Not sure why Rosalie chuckles though, maybe another choice of words.

Also the ending felt a little flat. Message written on the kids bedroom like Next Time, to be really spooky? In essence the kids are left out of the story and they could be used to effect.

Overall, liked it.

Hey Gabriel;

Creepy story, oooooh! Mannequins; right up there with Clowns and Politicians... all creepy. Nicely done!

I noticed there was quite a bit of feedback on the 'Split Screen' concept, so I'll only give feedback that I have, for I don't actually know how this is properly written within a script.

One director to incorporate the 'Split Screen', if not introduce one of the first 'Long Takes' utilising this effect, is Brian De Palma. In fact, one of my favorite cult classics of his, which incidentally bombed worldwide, except in my neck of the woods, is the 'Phantom of the Paradise'.

This happened (being a #1 movie), simply because the theater running the movie in the summer of 1975, used to bring out huge Marshall Stacks, and attempt to blow the paint off the walls with the soundtrack. You could hear it for five city blocks. This was about the time The New York Dolls, and KIZZ were just entering the scene, so it was a freak show for the uninitiated.

Anyways, here is a link I found where the split screen concept was used in that movie. http://vimeo.com/34593138

Maybe it will give you a few ideas as to how your story could unfold, if it helps... Rick.

Alrighty.

Thanks for the reviews all. Going to comment everyones. Might take some time but, I'll do it. lol.

SILVERBACK: Thanks for the positives.

Quoted Text I'd lose the split screen altogether.  Major distraction to the reader.

I decide to use split screen since it's something new that the other shorts I've found on youtube haven't done. It helps shorten the tale and adds a new dynamic to it. You see the action and dialogue take place at the simultaneously so when the end comes....boom. That's what I hope and still hope it does.  

Quoted Text Also it doesn't ring true that Mr. Dobson would use the F word to the nerdy 16 year-old babysitter.

I wanted to establish trust between the Dobkins and Rosalie. If they can talk freely
around her, there's trust.

MARKRENSHAW: Thanks for the read and sorry it wasn't for you.

Quoted Text For some reason the opening bothered me. Loud rock music and a cell phone don’t mix, especially over black. Is there some specific reason for this that’s integral to the story?

The opening was to show that they were out and had a great time.

Quoted Text “With his hands, he beats music on the steering wheel.” – What else would he use, flippers? Sorry for the sarcasm, but you see my point?

Going to edit that part about the hands. I get deep into details. lol.

Quoted Text The screen splits. In general the first draft of the script doesn’t include camera angles or editing suggestions. That’s the job of other people. As it was this made the script confusing to read.

Quoted Text I would give Mrs and Mr Dobson names, I could not differentiate the two.

Mrs. and Mr. One has a "s" while the other doesn't. lol. I'll look into it.

Quoted Text “Rosalie looks like a chipmunk on how she bites her lip.” That’s a very strange way to describe someone being nervous.

That's the thing that popped out to me. It got the image across.  

Quoted Text As for the ending it comes totally out of left field. There’s no tension or anything in the build-up to suggest this ending.  Nor does it make sense for Rosalie to think there was a mannequin dressed up as an intruder in their house and that’s a totally normal thing to happen.

That's how the legend works. It kind of represents life. You never know wtf is going to happen.

I think misunderstood this script and legend by your last sentence. Rosalie didn't know that the mannequin was a intruder. Hence, she didn't want to bother Mrs. Dobkins in asking to cover up the mannequin.

Quoted Text So it didn’t work for me but keep on trying, keep on writing and learning. That’s how it works.

Always

DIRK:

Quoted Text I'm 50/50 on this.

That sounds good.

Quoted Text I like where you're trying to go with this but something seems off. Why would Rosalie ask Mrs. Dobkins to watch TV in her room when she could ask for the code to unblock the TV in the living room?

In answer to your question, cause it is. lol. In actuality, I didn't think about that. lol. I was really trying to follow the legend as much as possible. I overlooked that. Will give that thought.  

Quoted Text The dialogue for me is hit and miss with the way the Dobkins' talk to Rosalie. Take Mr. Dobkins' line on Page 3. "No. That's too much power for a young female teenager to have." Sounds a bit weird. Is he being serious? or being a smartass?

As my scripts, it's a hit or miss. That pg. 3 line is Mr. Dobkins is just busting her chops. lol.

Quoted Text On Page 4. Mrs. Dobkins' line "Girl, I just let you use the tv in my bedroom. What else do you want?" She sounds like a b**** but maybe that's what you were going for there. The way they talk to Rosalie it feels like she's their daughter and not the babysitter.

I didn't want her to be conveyed as a bitch. lol. The line was more intended as Mrs. Dobkins telling Rosalie she can be open with them. They trust her a lot.  

Quoted Text So Mrs. Dobkins knew about the mannequin? How? Why? You leave it as a mystery which is fine but if she knew how dangerous the mannequin is then why leave Rosalie & the kids alone to go out to a concert.

Mrs. Dobkins didn't know. Hence she tried to tell Rosalie to get out. And Mrs. Dobkins called the cops. I mean I wrote the description that Mrs. Dobkins is bewildered when she hears Rosalie tell her about the mannequin.

Quoted Text Another thing, I feel there should be a bit of a build up with the mannequin. With the back and forth banter between Rosalie & the Dobkins the mannequin part happens so fast that there doesn't have much of a payoff. She asks to cover up the mannequin and it's like hurry up and get out then the next thing we know is the cops arriving on the scene. Expand the mannequin scene a bit if you can.

I think this story works best as a shocker. If I delved into the whole horror cliche of showing the parents and teenager before hand and a person stalking the teenager, this wouldn't work. The reveal needs to happen like a snap of a finger cause neither the parent or teenager is expecting it to happen. And that's what scares the person. It's like a surprise sucker punch. People will get the hint from the title that something is going to happen with a Mannequin but, not how.

Nevertheless, you got my mind thinking. lol. I'll see what I can do.  

Quoted Text One last thing, the Left & Right screen before each slugline you could do without. When you start the telephone conversation just put INTERCUT or SPLITSCREEN on the following slugline and when the scene is over put END INTERCUT or SPLITSCREEN to end it. Hope this helps in anyway. Best of luck going forward.

Any review helps. lol. My fear is that if I remove the left and right screen slugs, the script will get as confusing as when Johnny and B.C. read it.  But I'll give it thought though as everything. lol.

NOMAD:

Quoted Text You got plenty of comments on most of the things I had problems with so I won't repeat them.

Ok.

Quoted Text The biggest suggestion I have is to lose all the "LEFT SCREEN" and "RIGHT SCREEN" slugs.  Once you establish that one location is on the left screen and the other is on the right screen, leave it at that.  Using the screen slugs as well as the normal slugs is overkill.

hmmmm. That sounds very interesting. Will try it out.

Quoted Text Creepy story.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go call my babysitter.

Thanks. That's the best compliment I can get. lol.

Will get to answering the other reviews tomorrow. Gotta go to sleep. For some of the comments, I decided to copy and paste a answer I've written previously before. We're both going to be lazy. lol. Neither of us are going to scroll back and try to find the answer. lol.

Gabe

Back again.

LEVY:

Quoted Text When I opened this up, I didn't read the logline before hand. I was going to say this reminded me of the scary clown statue story, which oddly enough my girlfriend had told me a few weeks back, but apparently that's what you were going for... only a variation of it.  On to other things....

Yeah.   Initially I was going to try to hide it. But then I thought, someone's going to recognize this so might has well get it out in the opening. I can say for certain that it was the easiest logline that I've completed. lol.

Quoted Text I like the use of split screen.  Not sure I would have formatted it that way, though.

Thanks. I've been given some good suggestions in regards to fixing the format. Will ponder on them.  

Quoted Text The way it's written kinda takes up a lot of space, making this longer in page count.

I think it's the format. lol.

PHIL:

Quoted Text I think using split screen is something you'd use in a shooting script, not here.  It wasted page space and took me out of the story.  Maybe you should use INTERCUT next time.

It's the split screen format I employed here. lol.  

Quoted Text I have to wonder how Rosalie knew that the cable wasn't blocked in the master bedroom.

Ah. The backstory I'm sticking too is after a past incident with their children (the kids saw the uncensored version of Friday the 13th), the Dobkins told Rosalie what they were doing.  Usually Rosalie wouldn't watch anything in that room but, that day she did.  

Quoted Text I'm not familiar with the urban legend, though I can imagine it with your story.  Shortening it a little would improve it a great deal.

  

Thanks Phil. Took a lot of stumbles but I got the script somewhat decent there. lol.  

PIA:

Quoted Text I remember that urban legend. I also think you did a pretty good job with this. I hate mannequins. I don't think the split screen does anything for this story though. Just show it the traditional way. I think that would be creepier.

Thanks Pia. I sure tapped into something with the mannequins. lol.

I don't think it would be unique without the split screen. It could be done without it. However, for me, it'll be...normal like the other youtube videos I've seen.    

Quoted Text You could probably film this yourself.

I would effing love to. I just need resources.

Quoted Text Remember when we did an OWC based on urban legends?  Lol! That was fun.

I remember. I don't think I was invovled though. I wouldn't have come up with this at time during the week. lol.

LEGION:

Quoted Text Split screen usage is unique.  And I really, really hate mannequins.  Something about them creeps me the HELL OUT, lol.  There's a china doll in the other room, Japanese design, freaking creepy thing stares into your soul.

I like the split screen. lol. You can't throw that doll away. Like Opps I don't know where that china doll is at. lol.

Quoted Text A small note: Page 5 - I can cover up the mannequin, maybe switch "I" and "can" around? Page 5 - before "a" answer hits her, "before an answer hits her". Page 6 - There's a intruder, "an".

Will correct this.

Quoted Text Phew... kinda creepy, Gabriel.  The use of the mannequin, this small thing that should not move, killing a family and leaving a message on the wall?  Let me just say, this script is freaky as hell.

Thanks. The scrawled message is not in the tale I posted up. It's from another urban legend that I found scary as well. That was the only portion I found scary from it,sSo I added that portion into the Clown Statue.

Quoted Text I've a vivid imagination, and the thought of some creepy-a** mannequin moving around the damn house is a chilling thought to behold.

Exactly. It's more believable than a effing clown statue. lol.

Quoted Text This had the creep factor, definitely eerie.  Good, creepy, eerie short here.

Thanks.

Quoted Text I HATE MANNEQUINS! lol.

You're not alone.

REEF:

Quoted Text I rather liked that Gabe.

Thank you. I aim to be liked. lol.

Quoted Text The split screen didn't bother me. Was it the best way to tell the story, well that could be debated versus intercutting, but still it showed a dynamic story envolving  in two different locations.

Many things in screenwriting can be debated. lol.

I try to be original. I really do. If I don't find that originality, I lose interest fast.

Quoted Text I would agree there is too much information with the split screens., each has a two lines of slug so shorten that up.

damn format. lol.

Quoted Text However, the idea of a mannequin in the bedroom, which is not real, as conveyed by an innocent young girl, is rather effective.

hmmm. I guess people are open to interpretations. Never thought it like that. lol.

Quoted Text Not sure why Rosalie chuckles though, maybe another choice of words.

She chuckles out of feeling stupid in asking the question.

Quoted Text Also the ending felt a little flat. Message written on the kids bedroom like Next Time, to be really spooky? In essence the kids are left out of the story and they could be used to effect.

I don't think there's going to be a next time. lol. The question was from another urban legend. I just changed it a bit to fit into this one.  In regards to the kids, I didn't see them as important. Also, it would have increased the page count.

Quoted Text Overall, liked it.

Thank you.

ASFARASSIAM

Quoted Text ]Creepy story, oooooh! Mannequins; right up there with Clowns and Politicians... all creepy. Nicely done!

I'm really proud of that as well.  

Quoted Text I noticed there was quite a bit of feedback on the 'Split Screen' concept, so I'll only give feedback that I have, for I don't actually know how this is properly written within a script. One director to incorporate the 'Split Screen', if not introduce one of the first 'Long Takes' utilising this effect, is Brian De Palma. In fact, one of my favorite cult classics of his, which incidentally bombed worldwide, except in my neck of the woods, is the 'Phantom of the Paradise'. This happened (being a #1 movie), simply because the theater running the movie in the summer of 1975, used to bring out huge Marshall Stacks, and attempt to blow the paint off the walls with the soundtrack. You could hear it for five city blocks. This was about the time The New York Dolls, and KIZZ were just entering the scene, so it was a freak show for the uninitiated. Anyways, here is a link I found where the split screen concept was used in that movie. http://vimeo.com/34593138 Maybe it will give you a few ideas as to how your story could unfold, if it helps... Rick.

Thanks for the suggestion and vid. Will watch it. Screenwriting is debatable so, I'm not going to be able to satisfy everyone. I did what I thought was best. Some had problems with it while others didn't.

Thanks all for the reviews everyone. Appreciate them. If you need a read, let me know.  

Now on to revising. lol.

Gabe (WHO HATES MANNEQUINS)

Quoted from Grandma Bear I hate mannequins.

Yet, you have this in your home...

Hey Gabe

Haven't read any reviews, so excuse if anything is repeated.

So based on the logline, I checked out the Clown Statue... I freaking hate clowns, Mannequins I deal with especially curvy ones

Split screen? well it's different, it doesn't bother me, just makes it a little harder to focus on the context.

page 2

MR. DOBKINS
I don’t want you to use this word
but, it fucking rocked...      either drop the curse or reword it.  It fucking rocked, excuse my French

page 5 confused me buddy
At the mention of the mannequin, the Mannequin turns his
head in Rosalie’s direction and moves forward.
ROSALIE (V.O.)
in your bedroom with a blanket
because...

I thought she was in the same bedroom as the Mannequin, so while mentioning it on the phone did she not she the mannequin move forward.
Her following response assumes otherwise. Also she is now doing a voice over, which now indicates she is not in the scene.

Bewildered, Mrs. Dobkins ponders on this question for a
moment before a answer hits her...  an answer

page 5/6 The parents were on their way home in the car, then your slug states they were at Friends house and Rosalie seems to be continuing her VO.

Finished

It was a nice take on an urban myth, just needs to be a clearer, clean up your slugs.

Overall good job buddy

Mark

Quoted Text Haven't read any reviews, so excuse if anything is repeated.

No problem.

Quoted Text So based on the logline, I checked out the Clown Statue... I freaking hate clowns, Mannequins I deal with especially curvy ones

lol.

Quoted Text Split screen? well it's different, it doesn't bother me, just makes it a little harder to focus on the context.

Hopefully fixed that issue in this new draft. I treated it like a flashback heading.

Quoted Text page 2 MR. DOBKINS I don’t want you to use this word but, it F**king rocked...      either drop the curse or reword it.  It F**king rocked, excuse my French

How can I argue that with a comedic genius here. lol.

Quoted Text page 5 confused me buddy At the mention of the mannequin, the Mannequin turns his head in Rosalie’s direction and moves forward. ROSALIE (V.O.) in your bedroom with a blanket because... I thought she was in the same bedroom as the Mannequin, so while mentioning it on the phone did she not she the mannequin move forward.

Yeah. lol. She had her back towards him. I cleared that up in the draft by actually writing she turns her back on him. lol.

Quoted Text Her following response assumes otherwise. Also she is now doing a voice over, which now indicates she is not in the scene.

What I was trying to get at with the V.O. was that the camera is focused on the mannequin and not on her.

Quoted Text Bewildered, Mrs. Dobkins ponders on this question for a moment before a answer hits her...  an answer

Will fix it.

Quoted Text page 5/6 The parents were on their way home in the car, then your slug states they were at Friends house and Rosalie seems to be continuing her VO.

Fixed that slug. Completely missed that.

Quoted Text Finished It was a nice take on an urban myth, just needs to be a clearer, clean up your slugs. Overall good job buddy

Did all that but, I'm sure I'm going to have to do that again. lol.

Take care.

Gabe

P.S.

NEW DRAFT IS UP:

added some foreshadowing.
fixed grammer as much as humanly possible
rectified the split screen issue...hopefully

PAGE COUNT NOW: 5.

Hey Gabe,

Love the changes you made. Reads and flows much better. I like the pause you added regarding Rosalie on the phone looking back at something O.S. An added creep factor for sure.

- Dirk

Hey,

stepped through your nice advertisement.

I liked some of the technical stuff, even from the start when you go OVER BLACK
with loud music which is TURNING DOWN, because of a cell call. It's a nice little piece the other way round, most time it's getting louder or stays loud...

I like the choice of doing something with split screens; that said: it was a bit too much or better said erratic (for me)

There was a point Rosalie became suddenly also a VO and I wanted to check out why... that kept me up from reading  some moments.

Hey,
I thought about if they could have had something like a big screen in the car. I just imagined something like an Ipad (maybe fixed under the windshield) which shows the scenario better. Just a thougt.


There was one sentence Mrs. Dobkins falls out of the role for me:

MRS. DOBKINS
Girl, I just let you use the tv in
my bedroom. What else do you want?

No problem, that she turned back after Rock music  into the mother she is.
But that's a bit too stuffy and unnatural touchy.

The last sentence mirrors the freshness of the script. Some modern elements including the babysitting horror plot. Stay on that. Thumb up