DIRK

Quoted Text Love the changes you made. Reads and flows much better. I like the pause you added regarding Rosalie on the phone looking back at something O.S. An added creep factor for sure.

Thanks. Gotta always ask and write in order to improve oneself.

PRUSSIANMOSBY:

Quoted Text stepped through your nice advertisement.

Welcome.

Quoted Text I liked some of the technical stuff, even from the start when you go OVER BLACK with loud music which is TURNING DOWN, because of a cell call. It's a nice little piece the other way round, most time it's getting louder or stays loud...

That point about the rock music came from MarkRenshaw's review. It's always good to read into reviews. Whether positive or negative, you'll get something out of them.  

Quoted Text I like the choice of doing something with split screens; that said: it was a bit too much or better said erratic (for me)

It's half and half. I"m keeping it though. lol.

Quoted Text There was a point Rosalie became suddenly also a VO and I wanted to check out why... that kept me up from reading  some moments.

In that scene, I just wanted to show that we're not focused on her. I'm going to use O.S. Shit. lol. Just remembered that.

Quoted Text Hey, I thought about if they could have had something like a big screen in the car. I just imagined something like an Ipad (maybe fixed under the windshield) which shows the scenario better. Just a thougt.

Thanks for the idea. I don't think it's plausible though since

Quoted Text There was one sentence Mrs. Dobkins falls out of the role for me: MRS. DOBKINS Girl, I just let you use the tv in my bedroom. What else do you want?

Fixed that. What I wanted to get a across was to show that Mrs. Dobkins trusts Rosalie.

Quoted Text No problem, that she turned back after Rock music  into the mother she is. But that's a bit too stuffy and unnatural touchy.

Mind explaining this part. ?

Quoted Text The last sentence mirrors the freshness of the script. Some modern elements including the babysitting horror plot. Stay on that. Thumb up

Thanks. I gotta add a few scares of my own.

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

because of the language barrier my comments sometimes are ending up with platitudes like thumb up or others. I apologize. I have to deliver that better in the future. I think your script is flawless.
I also forgot to mention that the Mannequin killer is a great one. His costume is creepy and could give a good identidication for features and shorts. He really plays in a league with the favorites of the past. Maybe I guessed others had mentioned enough before...

Quoted Text Hey, I thought about if they could have had something like a big screen in the car. I just imagined something like an Ipad (maybe fixed under the windshield) which shows the scenario better. Just a thougt.

Quoted Text Thanks for the idea. I don't think it's plausible though since

It' plausible in the case that: When you close the SPLITSCREEN, it could bring a further connection to what's happening in their house's bedroom with the mannequin, if we would see it, when we would see the girl let the cell phone fall down, than just hearing it in this VO/ OUT OF THE SPEAKER. But I'm not sure about. It would definitely fit to these modern effects with split screen etc.
But I don't know how a live-phone call works and which companies are there which produce them...

Quoted Text There was one sentence Mrs. Dobkins falls out of the role for me: MRS. DOBKINS Girl, I just let you use the tv in my bedroom. What else do you want?

Quoted Text Fixed that. What I wanted to get a across was to show that Mrs. Dobkins trusts Rosalie.

Quoted Text No problem, that she turned back after Rock music  into the mother she is. But that's a bit too stuffy and unnatural touchy.

Quoted Text Mind explaining this part. ?

That she falls out of the role and felt too stuffy and unnatural touchy is ONLY with refernce to the two lines I quoted. Don't know why you ripped them in two pieces.


"Girl, I just let you use the tv in
my bedroom."

So, she repeats the things that were happening, that she already lets Rosalie watch unblocked TV. That repeat feels like she's suddenly annoyed of Rosalie and Comes around arrogant (suddenly). Or/and that she's expecting a more suspect wish from Rosalie. Why? Rosalie comes around shy and lovely, it's the girl the parents give their children to. The word "just" gives negativity in this case too...

But, it's just my impression. Trust, what you say you wanted to show up, looks different than that for me.
Maybe it's the language barrier here again and psycholgical and linguistical you did it right from your view.

All my points haven't a real weight.

As I said the story is flawless in itself. The Mannequin killer's cosume would stand on its own. There's no white face as in scream. Just darkness.

C U

Thanks PrussianMosby

Will take comments into consideration in the next draft. I hate drafts. lol.  

He could definitely stand alone. Trying to see what I can put him in.

Gabe

Gabe

MR. DOBKINS
It fucking rocked, excuse my
french... the best line in the script

Page 3

Your slug changes from DOBKINS' BEDROOM to DOBKINS' HOME- BEDROOM... keep it consistant

page 5

Written in blood on the door is a question: Are you glad you
weren’t here?... take out the "is a question" we know it's a question lol

well this a tighter draft than the first one, would be pretty easy to film.

The only thing I would say is that it's too close to the myth that I read. Basically changing the mannequin for a clown. In other words if you kept the premise of the short but made it your own..
e.g lose the babysitter for an Aunt or grandmother... or maybe change location or have them SKYPE on their smartphones with the mom seeing the mannequin in the background on the phones and freaking out.

Just my opinion buddy.

Good luck

Mark

Quoted Text MR. DOBKINS It F**king rocked, excuse my french... the best line in the script

Quoted Text Page 3 Your slug changes from DOBKINS' BEDROOM to DOBKINS' HOME- BEDROOM... keep it consistant

Fuck. lol.

Quoted Text page 5 Written in blood on the door is a question: Are you glad you weren’t here?... take out the "is a question" we know it's a question lol

No one likes a smartass. lol.

Quoted Text well this a tighter draft than the first one, would be pretty easy to film.

That's more like it. Keep those compliments coming. lol.

Quoted Text The only thing I would say is that it's too close to the myth that I read. Basically changing the mannequin for a clown. In other words if you kept the premise of the short but made it your own.. e.g lose the babysitter for an Aunt or grandmother... or maybe change location or have them SKYPE on their smartphones with the mom seeing the mannequin in the background on the phones and freaking out.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Just add a couple of furnishings on it to make it look new. lol.

I understand what your saying. I'll give it thought especially losing the babysitter. I won't say no since I might have to change this later on. lol. But for now, the urban legend works on it's own with the babysitter included.  

Quoted Text Just my opinion buddy.

It's always appreciated and taken into consideration whenever I revise.

Quoted Text Good luck

We all need luck in this writing biz. lol.

Gabe

Gabriel,

I was going to give up on this which is saying something as it's only 4 pages... damn those slugs are a pain! I'm not sure how you're 'supposed' to write the split-screen in a script but the way you've done it is jarring as all hell.

That said, I am glad I didn't give up... this is one creepy ass story! Would love to see it played out on a screen. I am not familiar with the urban legend so I can't judge on how close this is in relation to that but yeah it was a really effective short.

Like someone else mentioned, the descriptions are lacking, and I think writing an extra 3/4 pages could really be a benefit. Plus, someone else might know a better way of writing the split-screen as I get why you did it that way. It's just really jarring.

-- Steve

Hey Steve

Quoted Text I was going to give up on this which is saying something as it's only 4 pages... damn those slugs are a pain! I'm not sure how you're 'supposed' to write the split-screen in a script but the way you've done it is jarring as all hell.

Didn't mean for it to be complicated. lol. I'll see what I can come up with.  

Quoted Text That said, I am glad I didn't give up... this is one creepy A** story! Would love to see it played out on a screen. I am not familiar with the urban legend so I can't judge on how close this is in relation to that but yeah it was a really effective short.

Thanks. I changed a couple of things. Not a a lot. Still kept true to the story.  

Quoted Text Like someone else mentioned, the descriptions are lacking, and I think writing an extra 3/4 pages could really be a benefit. Plus, someone else might know a better way of writing the split-screen as I get why you did it that way. It's just really jarring.

Someone offered a suggestion on how to format the split-screen. Going to give a try.

In regards to more pages, I'm always open to suggestions.

Thanks for the read.

Gabe

SIDE NOTE

Revised again:

Worked on split screen format.
Tried to answer blocked tv question

Hope this works. lol

That split-screen format is MUCH better. Like I said above, the story is fine.

Regarding, getting in some extra pages. I think maybe adding more pages to develop Rosalie a bit from the start would be good. Before the phone call... dunno maybe her interacting with the kids etc. Maybe some kind of set up for her wanting to cover up the mannequin? Just spit-balling.

PS. Do you intend on filming this?

Hey Steve,

Thanks for the re-read or glance over.

Hopefully everyone agrees with the split-screen format. lol.

I understand your pov about the set up. However, I think it will diminish the scare factor, make this piece longer than it needs to be, and it will not be original. I use the term original in reference to what I've seen so far on youtube. Some people have tackled this tale so, I tried to be different. For instance, the set up of her wanting to cover the mannequin has been done before and, I didn't find it to work.

I tried to keep true to the material that you will find in page 1 of this thread. I just changed a couple of things. Added a bit of me into it.

Maybe later on. I just don't have the funds and time now.  

Gabe

Aw man, I really wish I didn't read this one.  

Being a dad has really soured me to stories like this.  I'm a total wuss now.

It was well-written and all, and I'm quite familiar with the story, so I don't really have much else to say.  Ideally, I'd like to know that the kids survived, but I'm guessing that's not the case.  This story has always freaked me out.

-Matt

Hey Dressel

Thanks for the read.

The endings ambiguous since you don't know what room the cops enter. So in your case the kids live. and congrats on being a dad.

I thank my niece for this tale.

Gabe

The idea was decent, but I felt the execution of the story didn't click well.

As some have mentioned, the split screen was distracting and would be better utilized by cutting between the locations instead. The unnecessary swearing didn't fit as no one else in the script swore. The characters weren't set up with enough time and story so there's no emotional impact when it ends, at least for me. The ambiguity of the ending is ok, though I feel it's assumed the babysitter is dead since the mannequin was in the room with her.

I like the idea, but the structure just didn't work for me overall. I'd like to see it somewhat fleshed out and structured a bit differently because I think your idea would make for a solid short.

Rob

Thanks for the read Rob. Sorry for the late reply

The comments you've made have been mentioned before as others. I've also addressed them.

I'm not going to say never but for the time being I'm going to keep this as is. It's a simple straight forward story. Lol.

I actually have two more shorts I'm working on based on this character the Mannequin. Hopefully, I can a write a feature using these shorts as backstory.

Let me know if you would like something ready
Gabe

And speaking of late reply...

I know they had been brought up before, and sorry to be redundant, but that was what I came across as well. Hopefully the character and the further adventures will be put up soon. Definitely will check them out.

Rob

Don't apologize. I just felt lazy in repeating the answers lol.

One can not say never...especially when it comes to rewrites. Lol.

Gabe