Hi Gabe,

I like the story but also found it confusing in some parts. I agree with Johnny, I think the phone call to Mrs Dobkins would have been better if it was a V.O instead of the split screen.

Also this baffled me when "Mrs Dobkins hears Rosalie chuckle" this is after the mannequin has looked at her and has started moving in her direction. Being a teenager practically alone in the house at night, I would have thought she would have jumped out of her skin?


Lee

read my script The Peace Line

Hey lee

Thanks for the read.

The spilt screen has been a consistent debate on this story. Lol. It has worked for some while, it hasn't worked for others. My decision, I'm going to keep it in.

One of the reasons on why I decided to write this short was because of the split screen. I wanted to do something unique that no other short that has dealt with this material has done. I also wanted to try my hand in utilizing split screen.  

That scene you mention is when Rosalie has turned her back on him. It would be a whole different story if she saw him. lol.

Thanks,
Gabe

Gabe

Not entirely sure what you were trying to achieve here.

All I see is a setup for something potential creepy based on the urban legend you mentioned in the log-line...but that's really it. It almost feels like a trailer for something bigger. It could be something cool and weird to explore in a longer script as its not taken advantage of here which is a shame.

Regards

Col.

Hey Col

Thanks for the read.

It was a spur of the moment type of thing that I just went with it. And through a lot of falls, I think I got it down a bit right.

I wanted to keep the story as is and add a few elements of my own. Split screen, change the clown, etc. The story freaks the shit out of people, so why change it? Lol. It just needed a bit of updating.

I'll never say never in regards to a feature. I'm just busy with one right now. Lol.

Thanks for the read
Gabe

Let me know if you'll want something read.

It's very hard to write a review about a script that is only 4 page long. I was just getting into the story when it ended, abruptly .

I don't even know what to say. It was an urban legend that I have not hear about. I did not hate it, but I didn't love it either.

I liked your another short, horror, much more. (Are you afraid of dark?)

Thanks for the read.

I've actually had the opposite affect with these two tales. Lol. You can actually the urban legend in one of these ps ages. Forgot which page though.

gabe

Gabe,

Just checked this out.  4 pages, a simple tale.  I'm familiar with a lot of urban legends, but not this one.   So if your logline had been more ambiguous --- this would have come as a pleasant surprise to me.   I prefer the element of surprise, but... nevertheless, it was a little creepy.

Page#2 -- you forgot to Cap "so" in Rosalie's dialogue.

Was this more of a writing exercise, or just something you've always wanted to do?

Ghostie

Thanks Ghostie

Thanks for the read and comments.

You have a point there about the logline. I'm going to see what I can do about that. As many writers on here, I'm not good with creating loglines sometimes.

I believe any writing, be short or feature, is a writing execrise. It's all about getting it finished or getting it made. Lol.

This was something I got inspired into doing. I liked the urban legend, I liked the surprise ending, and I liked my use of the spilt screen. Lol.

Let me know if you need a read.

Gabe

WHAT?? lol...

Mr and Mrs. Dobskin needed distinctive name. I was tired of always having to squint (i'm on my phone) to see who was talking.

If the girl turned to her back to the screen, how could we see her biting her lip "like a chipmunk"? I know the answer, ut I
m telling you to don't give us camera angles. Just let us envision it ourselves.

"Rosalie, ask me" - Mrs. Dobskin would have just been like "hello, are you still there?" See can't see Rosalie's chipmunk face and figured something happened to the signal .

"unblocked" - She didn't even ask for the password! lol... just a minor detail you missed.

And now to the finale. Like,  I walk in a room and see a man STANDING  with a ski mask on, there would be no convincing me that it's a mannequin.   I don't care HOW STILL HE IS! LOL! I am locking myself in the room with the kids (or running out the house with them) and calling 911 IMMEDIATELY! The only person that would be embarrassed if it did come out to be a mannequin are the damn DOBSKINS! LOL!!  

But now I have to read all the reviews on your script to see what everyone else has to say about this.

Oh yeah, and it should have ended at "She hears a thud as Rosalie's cell hits the floor". The whole 911 call and the cops "barfing" just went in an unnecessary direction.

But this review sounds negative when I actually really enjoyed it. This would be a hella of a film to watch.  

Thanks for the read

Notes duly noted. I updated this.

Gabe

This was a very enjoyable read. I think you did a great job with all of the characters here, they really did jump off the page and I couldn't help but warm to them. For a 4-pager, I'm impressed.

I think the splitscreen was a nice touch that you don't see too much of. The effect of it going black when the mannequin came alive worked very well.

I do wonder how it would work if we saw the mannequin from the moment the splitscreen kicks in. I think it could be a lot creepier if it was in the background all the time. The title would perhaps lesser the surprise moment, but even now we can safely assume that a mannequin would pop up somewhere.

I don't have anything negative to say about the story. I think this would be a catch for an amateur filmmaker.

A few small things did bug me though:

Quoted Text Loud ROCK MUSIC is turned down. A cell RINGS.

Shouldn't this work vice versa? The cell rings so the rock music has to be turned down?

Quoted Text He beats music on the steering wheel.

I think this is worded poorly. "He beats the steering wheel to the music" perhaps?

Quoted Text MR. DOBKINS It fucking rocked, excuse my french.

How did he hear the question? The phone wasn't on speaker yet. Maybe Mrs. Dobkins could say that the concert was a blast?

Quoted Text ROSALIE Unblocked.

I think it would work better if Mrs. Dobkins told her the code.

Quoted Text MR. DOBKINS No. That�s too much power for a young female teenager to have.

But not for a young male teenager? I think the young is also superfluous here. Goes without saying with teenager.

Quoted Text MRS. DOBKINS My name is Mrs. Agatha Dobkins. I live at 393 Vegas Street. There�s a intruder in our home.

Would she really put Mrs. in front of there? an* intruder.

Hope this helped. Best of luck.

Thanks DS for the read.

SPOILERS

Appreciate the comments.

Mannequin early on - I think it will give it away to soon, nevertheless I will keep it mind.

Cell ringing/ loud music - how would she hear the cell ringing over the music? I was thinking that the cell is put on both vibrate and music. The wife feels it and turns it down to then hear the music.

The rest duly noted and will be fixed.

Let me know if you need a read.

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

It's been awhile since I've been on SS and I've been looking to jump back in. Figured I'd start by giving an old friend a read. FYI, I skipped all the other comments.

I liked this. It's simple, but I believe on screen it could come across very stylish and creepy. Format is good as usual and I really liked the use of split screen. You are also getting better with your dialog. It flowed very natural.

No real complaints here. For a short horror pic it works great. It honestly gave me goosebumps.

That said, I believe you could add to this. Maybe some more character development. And maybe show the mannequin a bit sooner. I think it might add to the creepy vibe.

Overall good job and good read. Thanks for the goosebumps Gabe.

~Zack~

Hey Gabe

Interesting little piece this.  A few things confused me; what did Rosalie mean when she said 'unblocked'?  Was it to do with the TV?  Also when the split-screen went black on Rosalie's side, I had to check back that it wasn't a video call.  Am I right in thinking the screen just goes back to INT. CAR?

The story though was pretty good; an urban legend type story (or is it one?)

Anyway, I liked it buddy.

Thanks for the read Zack and Allfy

This is based off a real urban legend that my niece introduced me too. You can read it on the 1st or 2nd thread.

It took many drafts to get this how I envisioned it. Lol.

To answer Allfys question, unblocked had to do with the TV. And when the screen goes black, the screen where the car scene is at takes focus.

I have a feature in mind for this character. The outline is ready. just need to find time to word it lol.

If you need reads, let me know.

Gabe