The Mannequin by Gabriel Moronta (mr. ripley) - Short, Horror - My version of the classic urban legend, The Clown Statue.  4 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi, Mr. Ripley.

I thought some of the technical choices you made to tell this simple story made for a surprisingly difficult read. The opening slug isn't great. Character description's like (40 and average) tell us nothing.  I can appreciate this is a 3 pager but I'd still like a little more.  

The choice of split screen is interesting, but things get messy, because you then cut back and forth from the two locations on the page mid-dialogue. I was really confused at this point, wondering if you meant split screen or an intercut.  

I haven't actually heard of this urban legend, so I'll be sure to google it. Mannequins are incredibly creepy.  I've always loved the old episode of the Twilight Zone set in the mall, and I'm a big fan of the movies Tourist Trap and Maniac, so I like the concept of this.  The execution was problematic for me, however.  

The ending -- well, I dunno. It might be because I'm not familiar with the urban legend, but is their a reason why Mrs. Dobkins isn't involved in the finale?

That was quick. Thanks Don.

Thanks B.C. for the review.

TECHNICAL CHOICES: Sorry that it was confusing. I didn't mean it to be. What I tried to do was keep it...lively. I mean it's two people talking over a phone until the ending so I had to make it interesting. I usually act as director when I write.    

SPLIT SCREEN. When I researched on how to illustrate a split screen in a screenplay, this was the way I found a lot of people doing it.

Only in Kill Bill did Quentin Tarantino do it differently. He put it alongside each other.  I don't think QT's way would have worked for this script so I decided to choose the first option.  

I think what made this confusing is that I didn't put Left Screen or Right Screen. I've been told that I get bogged down with details. I considered that a detail not worth mentioning. Let the reader decide which side of the screen Rosalie or Mrs. Dobkins pops up on.

THE OPENING SLUG: Do you mean the over black? or Int. Dobkins part? And would you mind explaining why it doesn't grab you.  

CHARACTERS: The urban legend doesn't go that far in depth with characters. It's very general. The only thing they mention is the relationship between the parent and teenager. And I think that's why it succeeds. So I tried to emulate that.

I included the trust between the parent and babysitter. Nerds are usually trusted by people. lol. And parents are...average. Was their anything else you wanted?

CONCEPT: Thanks. I always nail the concepts down. lol.

I get freaked out by Mannequins as well. lol. The Twilight Zone has always been a great inspiration to me. The concept of the Mannequin came from "The New Exhibit".

ENDING: The cops get there first. They're not going to let people into danger.  

Hope this answers your questions. If not, let me know. Feel free to leave suggestions and comments.

Thanks.

Gabe

What's up, Gabe?!

I totally agree with B.C. about the the creepiness of mannequins.  Something about their ability to hide in plain sight just scares the crap out of me.  Anyways...

The thing that's killing this story for me is the flow and the setup of this thing.  I don't know why you decided to split the screen or intercut when Mrs. Dobkins could have been a V.O. throughout.  Keeping us in one location definitely would have clarified this whole thing, especially since Mrs. Dobkins' location or screen presence has no real impact on the story.

I'm not sure how others feel about questions in action lines but I'm not a fan.  I'll chalk that up to style.

"It's alright to ask me."  I don't know why but this line sticks out like a sore thumb.  Perhaps she knew about the mannequin but her bewildered reaction contradicts it.  Maybe I'm thinking about it too much.

"He BLACKS out Rosalie's screen"  So now I'm pretty sure it's a split screen.  I still advise you to stick with Rosalie entirely.  I think capitalizing "screen" would help as well.

Overall I'm not sure how I feel about this one.  The clarity is not good with the split screen and whatnot.  I think it's better left to the shooting draft if that's the route you'd like to take.  The story didn't really work for me either.  It kinda felt like the mannequin just appeared out of nowhere for Mrs. Dobkins and Rosalie was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.  At least that's what I'm thinking with the final message.  Hope to hear from you soon.  Take care.

Johnny

Hey Johnny,

Thanks for the read.

MANNEQUINS: That's why I chose it for for this tale. lol. I find a mannequin more believable than a clown. lol.

SPLIT SCREEN: I guess the format is not working out. Gotta go back and clear it up. Probably going to add the left and right screen.

I goggled this urban legend up on youtube. All the videos stay on the babysitter only. So I wanted to create something new. Hence, split screen...which is not working out for me. lol.  

What I wanted to convey by using the split screen was that the parent is out somewhere while the babysitter is at her home.

THE FINAL MESSAGE: shit happens. lol. The reveal of the Mannequin is the punch to the gut. That's how it is with the story.

Thanks for the review.

Gabe

Gabe,

Thus was pretty good. I actually had to go back and re-read, never a good thing, because I felt it was so disjointed I lost track of what it was about. But it's so short, it wasnt a problem and I wound up getting it and it was worth it. What I'm talking about is your dialogue is broken up mid sentence with action blocks, then there's the split screen to contend with. It got a little confusing at first, but the story is solid and very creepy.

Not a fan of the structure here, like I mentioned with the broken dialogue, but I think I understand why you did it. And I suppose it adds a certain amount of tension to the read, though initially it took me out of the story early. Perhaps it was just me reading too fast?

Anyway, I really enjoyed where it ended up, and when u realized the mannequin was a real person (I think) it was a real wow moment for me. Good stuff.

Steve

Sorry Gabe, I should have clarified what I mean't regarding the slug:

INT. DOBKINS FRIEND’S HOUSE - HALLWAY - NIGHT

It's just reads awkward.  Probably better to have her in the restroom of a restaurant or a bar.  It would eliminate the need to explain that there's laughter and chatter in the background in order to get over she's out for the night.  Not a big deal by any means, however.

Regarding the average description.  In a three page short it's not really a big deal to use this I guess, but it's not something I recommend.  All parents are average??!  

Indeed, the split screen definitely throws things off here. It eliminates the need for slugs but you still use them anyway, which break up the action for no reason and to the detriment of whatever tension you're trying to establish. The dialogue is also needlessly broken up and to the same effect.

Why does Rosalie need to ask permission to cover up the mannequin anyway? I mean, using the TV, sure. But she could just as easily throw her coat over the mannequin and take it off when she's done.

Also, I don’t understand how the mannequin is wearing a balaclava and a mask at the same time. Isn’t a balaclava a kind of mask in and of itself?

Your opening slug has been brought up. Indeed, I'd change it.

Overall, I like the concept but even if you changed all of the above things, I don't think it would work. It's just too fast. No tension. No build up. Just one plot point to the next. Your mannequin starts moving almost the moment it's introduced, which does next to nothing, considering you're still establishing the setup at this point.

My advice. Extend it. I think this could easily merit 5-8 pages. Build up a sense of dread. Rosalie doesn't even get a chance to use the TV. I'd say she should.

Otherwise, I don't see much of a point to this one. You have an interesting idea but the execution is so sparse, it barely amounts to anything. Needs more meet on its bones, for sure.

I don't know what a b.g is. I'm assuming background, but then you use a possessive pronoun with it so I'm not sure. I had to read this three times to get it. No real story. New characters are intro'd at the end. What happened to Mrs Dobkins? Wasn't she aware that she had a Mannequin in the house that kills people?

Story very thin on the ground with this one.

@ James, Balaclavas can be open-faced. Although I agree with you as that one gave me pause for thought too. It does confuse things. I usually call the closed-face ones, ski masks. The motorcycle masks that go beneath a helmet are good too.

Alright. Finished revising this as best as possible.

Fixed format to represent a true split screen...hopefully.
Tried to see I can add more character through dialogue and actions.
Eliminated alot of V.O. My bad. lol.
I edited that slug B.C. mentioned. Thanks B.C.

Page count now is 6.

Thanks for reading James and Dustin. Thanks for your reply B.C. I actually did that.

SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

Here's the version my teen cousin showed me:

[a few years ago a mother and father decided they needed
a break, so they wanted to head out for a night on the town.

they called their most trusted babysitter
when the babysitter arrived
the two children were already fast asleep in bed

so the babysitter just got to sit around and
make sure everything was okay with the children
later that night the babysitter got bored and went to watch tv
but she couldn't watch it downstairs
because they did not have cable downstairs
so she called them and asked them
if she could watch cable in the parent's room

the parents said it was ok but the babysitter
had one final request - she asked if she could cover up the staut
outside the bedroom window with a blanket or cloth
because it made her nervous

the phone line was silent for a moment
and the father who was talking to the babysitter at the time said

"take the children and get out of the house...
we don't own a statue."

the police found both of the children and the babysitter
slumped in pools of their own blood within three minutes of the call

no statue was found. ]

I did take some liberties with the material. Nevertheless, I still kept true to the piece.

I think this story works best as a shocker. If I delved into the whole horror cliche of showing the parents and teenager before hand and a person stalking the teenager, this wouldn't work. The reveal needs to happen like a snap of a finger cause neither the parent or teenager is expecting it to happen. And that's what scares the person. It's like a surprise sucker punch. People will get the hint from the title that something is going to happen with a Mannequin but, not how.  

I decide to use split screen since it's something new that the other shorts I've found on youtube haven't done. It helps shorten the tale and adds a new dynamic to it.

I decided to describe the Mannequin in order to show that it wasn't simply a guy standing still like some other versions I have read (ex. clown). I wanted to make it as least plausible that this guy can pass off as a Mannequin cause... they freak the shit out of me. lol.

The urban legend works on it's own as a scare factor. The fact it's survived this long is a testament to that fact. What I found is that if you offer to much explanation, it lessens the scare factor. So I decided to keep true to the urban legend and...add a few of my own nuggets with it.

Hopefully this new draft makes sense.

Gabe    
  

Definitely a creepy little tale.   I'd lose the split screen altogether.  Major distraction to the reader.  Also it doesn't ring true that Mr. Dobson would use the F word to the nerdy 16 year-old babysitter.  Plus it changes the rating and decreases the amount of views you might get if you were to film this.

It would be a good one to film though.  Best of luck with it.

For some reason the opening bothered me. Loud rock music and a cell phone don’t mix, especially over black. Is there some specific reason for this that’s integral to the story?

“With his hands, he beats music on the steering wheel.” – What else would he use, flippers? Sorry for the sarcasm, but you see my point?

The screen splits. In general the first draft of the script doesn’t include camera angles or editing suggestions. That’s the job of other people. As it was this made the script confusing to read.

I would give Mrs and Mr Dobson names, I could not differentiate the two.

ROSALIE (16 and nerdy) – How is she nerdy? What can we see about her that screams nerdiness?

“Rosalie looks like a chipmunk on how she bites her lip.” That’s a very strange way to describe someone being nervous.

As for the ending it comes totally out of left field. There’s no tension or anything in the build-up to suggest this ending.  Nor does it make sense for Rosalie to think there was a mannequin dressed up as an intruder in their house and that’s a totally normal thing to happen.

So it didn’t work for me but keep on trying, keep on writing and learning. That’s how it works.  

Gabe,

I'm 50/50 on this. I like where you're trying to go with this but something seems off. Why would Rosalie ask Mrs. Dobkins to watch TV in her room when she could ask for the code to unblock the TV in the living room?

The dialogue for me is hit and miss with the way the Dobkins' talk to Rosalie. Take Mr. Dobkins' line on Page 3. "No. That's too much power for a young female teenager to have." Sounds a bit weird. Is he being serious? or being a smartass?

On Page 4. Mrs. Dobkins' line "Girl, I just let you use the tv in my bedroom. What else do you want?" She sounds like a bitch but maybe that's what you were going for there. The way they talk to Rosalie it feels like she's their daughter and not the babysitter.

So Mrs. Dobkins knew about the mannequin? How? Why? You leave it as a mystery which is fine but if she knew how dangerous the mannequin is then why leave Rosalie & the kids alone to go out to a concert. Another thing, I feel there should be a bit of a build up with the mannequin. With the back and forth banter between Rosalie & the Dobkins the mannequin part happens so fast that there doesn't have much of a payoff. She asks to cover up the mannequin and it's like hurry up and get out then the next thing we know is the cops arriving on the scene. Expand the mannequin scene a bit if you can.

One last thing, the Left & Right screen before each slugline you could do without. When you start the telephone conversation just put

INTERCUT or SPLITSCREEN on the following slugline and when the scene is over put END INTERCUT or SPLITSCREEN to end it.

Hope this helps in anyway. Best of luck going forward.

- Dirk

Gabe,

You got plenty of comments on most of the things I had problems with so I won't repeat them.

The biggest suggestion I have is to lose all the "LEFT SCREEN" and "RIGHT SCREEN" slugs.  Once you establish that one location is on the left screen and the other is on the right screen, leave it at that.  Using the screen slugs as well as the normal slugs is overkill.

Creepy story.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go call my babysitter.

Jordan

When I opened this up, I didn't read the logline before hand.  

I was going to say this reminded me of the scary clown statue story, which oddly enough my girlfriend had told me a few weeks back, but apparently that's what you were going for... only a variation of it.  On to other things....

I like the use of split screen.  Not sure I would have formatted it that way, though.

The way it's written kinda takes up a lot of space, making this longer in page count.


--Steve

I think using split screen is something you'd use in a shooting script, not here.  It wasted page space and took me out of the story.  Maybe you should use INTERCUT next time.

I have to wonder how Rosalie knew that the cable wasn't blocked in the master bedroom.

I'm not familiar with the urban legend, though I can imagine it with your story.  Shortening it a little would improve it a great deal.


Phil

I remember that urban legend. I also think you did a pretty good job with this. I hate mannequins. I don't think the split screen does anything for this story though. Just show it the traditional way. I think that would be creepier.

You could probably film this yourself.  

Remember when we did an OWC based on urban legends?  Lol! That was fun.  http://www.snopes.com/snopes.asp

Hey Gabriel,

Split screen usage is unique.  And I really, really hate mannequins.  Something about them creeps me the HELL OUT, lol.  There's a china doll in the other room, Japanese design, freaking creepy thing stares into your soul.

Anyways, enough of my statue phobias for a sec.  Onto the main attraction.

A small note:
Page 5 - I can cover up the mannequin, maybe switch "I" and "can" around?

Page 5 - before "a" answer hits her, "before an answer hits her".

Page 6 - There's a intruder, "an".

Phew... kinda creepy, Gabriel.  The use of the mannequin, this small thing that should not move, killing a family and leaving a message on the wall?  Let me just say, this script is freaky as hell.

I've a vivid imagination, and the thought of some creepy-a** mannequin moving around the damn house is a chilling thought to behold.

This had the creep factor, definitely eerie.  Good, creepy, eerie short here.  

I HATE MANNEQUINS! lol.

-Lee

I rather liked that Gabe.

The split screen didn't bother me. Was it the best way to tell the story, well that could be debated versus intercutting, but still it showed a dynamic story envolving  in two different locations.

I would agree there is too much information with the split screens., each has a two lines of slug so shorten that up.

However, the idea of a mannequin in the bedroom, which is not real, as conveyed by an innocent young girl, is rather effective.

Not sure why Rosalie chuckles though, maybe another choice of words.

Also the ending felt a little flat. Message written on the kids bedroom like Next Time, to be really spooky? In essence the kids are left out of the story and they could be used to effect.

Overall, liked it.

Hey Gabriel;

Creepy story, oooooh! Mannequins; right up there with Clowns and Politicians... all creepy. Nicely done!

I noticed there was quite a bit of feedback on the 'Split Screen' concept, so I'll only give feedback that I have, for I don't actually know how this is properly written within a script.

One director to incorporate the 'Split Screen', if not introduce one of the first 'Long Takes' utilising this effect, is Brian De Palma. In fact, one of my favorite cult classics of his, which incidentally bombed worldwide, except in my neck of the woods, is the 'Phantom of the Paradise'.

This happened (being a #1 movie), simply because the theater running the movie in the summer of 1975, used to bring out huge Marshall Stacks, and attempt to blow the paint off the walls with the soundtrack. You could hear it for five city blocks. This was about the time The New York Dolls, and KIZZ were just entering the scene, so it was a freak show for the uninitiated.

Anyways, here is a link I found where the split screen concept was used in that movie. http://vimeo.com/34593138

Maybe it will give you a few ideas as to how your story could unfold, if it helps... Rick.

Alrighty.

Thanks for the reviews all. Going to comment everyones. Might take some time but, I'll do it. lol.

SILVERBACK: Thanks for the positives.

Quoted Text I'd lose the split screen altogether.  Major distraction to the reader.

I decide to use split screen since it's something new that the other shorts I've found on youtube haven't done. It helps shorten the tale and adds a new dynamic to it. You see the action and dialogue take place at the simultaneously so when the end comes....boom. That's what I hope and still hope it does.  

Quoted Text Also it doesn't ring true that Mr. Dobson would use the F word to the nerdy 16 year-old babysitter.

I wanted to establish trust between the Dobkins and Rosalie. If they can talk freely
around her, there's trust.

MARKRENSHAW: Thanks for the read and sorry it wasn't for you.

Quoted Text For some reason the opening bothered me. Loud rock music and a cell phone don’t mix, especially over black. Is there some specific reason for this that’s integral to the story?

The opening was to show that they were out and had a great time.

Quoted Text “With his hands, he beats music on the steering wheel.” – What else would he use, flippers? Sorry for the sarcasm, but you see my point?

Going to edit that part about the hands. I get deep into details. lol.

Quoted Text The screen splits. In general the first draft of the script doesn’t include camera angles or editing suggestions. That’s the job of other people. As it was this made the script confusing to read.

Quoted Text I would give Mrs and Mr Dobson names, I could not differentiate the two.

Mrs. and Mr. One has a "s" while the other doesn't. lol. I'll look into it.

Quoted Text “Rosalie looks like a chipmunk on how she bites her lip.” That’s a very strange way to describe someone being nervous.

That's the thing that popped out to me. It got the image across.  

Quoted Text As for the ending it comes totally out of left field. There’s no tension or anything in the build-up to suggest this ending.  Nor does it make sense for Rosalie to think there was a mannequin dressed up as an intruder in their house and that’s a totally normal thing to happen.

That's how the legend works. It kind of represents life. You never know wtf is going to happen.

I think misunderstood this script and legend by your last sentence. Rosalie didn't know that the mannequin was a intruder. Hence, she didn't want to bother Mrs. Dobkins in asking to cover up the mannequin.

Quoted Text So it didn’t work for me but keep on trying, keep on writing and learning. That’s how it works.

Always

DIRK:

Quoted Text I'm 50/50 on this.

That sounds good.

Quoted Text I like where you're trying to go with this but something seems off. Why would Rosalie ask Mrs. Dobkins to watch TV in her room when she could ask for the code to unblock the TV in the living room?

In answer to your question, cause it is. lol. In actuality, I didn't think about that. lol. I was really trying to follow the legend as much as possible. I overlooked that. Will give that thought.  

Quoted Text The dialogue for me is hit and miss with the way the Dobkins' talk to Rosalie. Take Mr. Dobkins' line on Page 3. "No. That's too much power for a young female teenager to have." Sounds a bit weird. Is he being serious? or being a smartass?

As my scripts, it's a hit or miss. That pg. 3 line is Mr. Dobkins is just busting her chops. lol.

Quoted Text On Page 4. Mrs. Dobkins' line "Girl, I just let you use the tv in my bedroom. What else do you want?" She sounds like a b**** but maybe that's what you were going for there. The way they talk to Rosalie it feels like she's their daughter and not the babysitter.

I didn't want her to be conveyed as a bitch. lol. The line was more intended as Mrs. Dobkins telling Rosalie she can be open with them. They trust her a lot.  

Quoted Text So Mrs. Dobkins knew about the mannequin? How? Why? You leave it as a mystery which is fine but if she knew how dangerous the mannequin is then why leave Rosalie & the kids alone to go out to a concert.

Mrs. Dobkins didn't know. Hence she tried to tell Rosalie to get out. And Mrs. Dobkins called the cops. I mean I wrote the description that Mrs. Dobkins is bewildered when she hears Rosalie tell her about the mannequin.

Quoted Text Another thing, I feel there should be a bit of a build up with the mannequin. With the back and forth banter between Rosalie & the Dobkins the mannequin part happens so fast that there doesn't have much of a payoff. She asks to cover up the mannequin and it's like hurry up and get out then the next thing we know is the cops arriving on the scene. Expand the mannequin scene a bit if you can.

I think this story works best as a shocker. If I delved into the whole horror cliche of showing the parents and teenager before hand and a person stalking the teenager, this wouldn't work. The reveal needs to happen like a snap of a finger cause neither the parent or teenager is expecting it to happen. And that's what scares the person. It's like a surprise sucker punch. People will get the hint from the title that something is going to happen with a Mannequin but, not how.

Nevertheless, you got my mind thinking. lol. I'll see what I can do.  

Quoted Text One last thing, the Left & Right screen before each slugline you could do without. When you start the telephone conversation just put INTERCUT or SPLITSCREEN on the following slugline and when the scene is over put END INTERCUT or SPLITSCREEN to end it. Hope this helps in anyway. Best of luck going forward.

Any review helps. lol. My fear is that if I remove the left and right screen slugs, the script will get as confusing as when Johnny and B.C. read it.  But I'll give it thought though as everything. lol.

NOMAD:

Quoted Text You got plenty of comments on most of the things I had problems with so I won't repeat them.

Ok.

Quoted Text The biggest suggestion I have is to lose all the "LEFT SCREEN" and "RIGHT SCREEN" slugs.  Once you establish that one location is on the left screen and the other is on the right screen, leave it at that.  Using the screen slugs as well as the normal slugs is overkill.

hmmmm. That sounds very interesting. Will try it out.

Quoted Text Creepy story.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go call my babysitter.

Thanks. That's the best compliment I can get. lol.

Will get to answering the other reviews tomorrow. Gotta go to sleep. For some of the comments, I decided to copy and paste a answer I've written previously before. We're both going to be lazy. lol. Neither of us are going to scroll back and try to find the answer. lol.

Gabe

Back again.

LEVY:

Quoted Text When I opened this up, I didn't read the logline before hand. I was going to say this reminded me of the scary clown statue story, which oddly enough my girlfriend had told me a few weeks back, but apparently that's what you were going for... only a variation of it.  On to other things....

Yeah.   Initially I was going to try to hide it. But then I thought, someone's going to recognize this so might has well get it out in the opening. I can say for certain that it was the easiest logline that I've completed. lol.

Quoted Text I like the use of split screen.  Not sure I would have formatted it that way, though.

Thanks. I've been given some good suggestions in regards to fixing the format. Will ponder on them.  

Quoted Text The way it's written kinda takes up a lot of space, making this longer in page count.

I think it's the format. lol.

PHIL:

Quoted Text I think using split screen is something you'd use in a shooting script, not here.  It wasted page space and took me out of the story.  Maybe you should use INTERCUT next time.

It's the split screen format I employed here. lol.  

Quoted Text I have to wonder how Rosalie knew that the cable wasn't blocked in the master bedroom.

Ah. The backstory I'm sticking too is after a past incident with their children (the kids saw the uncensored version of Friday the 13th), the Dobkins told Rosalie what they were doing.  Usually Rosalie wouldn't watch anything in that room but, that day she did.  

Quoted Text I'm not familiar with the urban legend, though I can imagine it with your story.  Shortening it a little would improve it a great deal.

  

Thanks Phil. Took a lot of stumbles but I got the script somewhat decent there. lol.  

PIA:

Quoted Text I remember that urban legend. I also think you did a pretty good job with this. I hate mannequins. I don't think the split screen does anything for this story though. Just show it the traditional way. I think that would be creepier.

Thanks Pia. I sure tapped into something with the mannequins. lol.

I don't think it would be unique without the split screen. It could be done without it. However, for me, it'll be...normal like the other youtube videos I've seen.    

Quoted Text You could probably film this yourself.

I would effing love to. I just need resources.

Quoted Text Remember when we did an OWC based on urban legends?  Lol! That was fun.

I remember. I don't think I was invovled though. I wouldn't have come up with this at time during the week. lol.

LEGION:

Quoted Text Split screen usage is unique.  And I really, really hate mannequins.  Something about them creeps me the HELL OUT, lol.  There's a china doll in the other room, Japanese design, freaking creepy thing stares into your soul.

I like the split screen. lol. You can't throw that doll away. Like Opps I don't know where that china doll is at. lol.

Quoted Text A small note: Page 5 - I can cover up the mannequin, maybe switch "I" and "can" around? Page 5 - before "a" answer hits her, "before an answer hits her". Page 6 - There's a intruder, "an".

Will correct this.

Quoted Text Phew... kinda creepy, Gabriel.  The use of the mannequin, this small thing that should not move, killing a family and leaving a message on the wall?  Let me just say, this script is freaky as hell.

Thanks. The scrawled message is not in the tale I posted up. It's from another urban legend that I found scary as well. That was the only portion I found scary from it,sSo I added that portion into the Clown Statue.

Quoted Text I've a vivid imagination, and the thought of some creepy-a** mannequin moving around the damn house is a chilling thought to behold.

Exactly. It's more believable than a effing clown statue. lol.

Quoted Text This had the creep factor, definitely eerie.  Good, creepy, eerie short here.

Thanks.

Quoted Text I HATE MANNEQUINS! lol.

You're not alone.

REEF:

Quoted Text I rather liked that Gabe.

Thank you. I aim to be liked. lol.

Quoted Text The split screen didn't bother me. Was it the best way to tell the story, well that could be debated versus intercutting, but still it showed a dynamic story envolving  in two different locations.

Many things in screenwriting can be debated. lol.

I try to be original. I really do. If I don't find that originality, I lose interest fast.

Quoted Text I would agree there is too much information with the split screens., each has a two lines of slug so shorten that up.

damn format. lol.

Quoted Text However, the idea of a mannequin in the bedroom, which is not real, as conveyed by an innocent young girl, is rather effective.

hmmm. I guess people are open to interpretations. Never thought it like that. lol.

Quoted Text Not sure why Rosalie chuckles though, maybe another choice of words.

She chuckles out of feeling stupid in asking the question.

Quoted Text Also the ending felt a little flat. Message written on the kids bedroom like Next Time, to be really spooky? In essence the kids are left out of the story and they could be used to effect.

I don't think there's going to be a next time. lol. The question was from another urban legend. I just changed it a bit to fit into this one.  In regards to the kids, I didn't see them as important. Also, it would have increased the page count.

Quoted Text Overall, liked it.

Thank you.

ASFARASSIAM

Quoted Text ]Creepy story, oooooh! Mannequins; right up there with Clowns and Politicians... all creepy. Nicely done!

I'm really proud of that as well.  

Quoted Text I noticed there was quite a bit of feedback on the 'Split Screen' concept, so I'll only give feedback that I have, for I don't actually know how this is properly written within a script. One director to incorporate the 'Split Screen', if not introduce one of the first 'Long Takes' utilising this effect, is Brian De Palma. In fact, one of my favorite cult classics of his, which incidentally bombed worldwide, except in my neck of the woods, is the 'Phantom of the Paradise'. This happened (being a #1 movie), simply because the theater running the movie in the summer of 1975, used to bring out huge Marshall Stacks, and attempt to blow the paint off the walls with the soundtrack. You could hear it for five city blocks. This was about the time The New York Dolls, and KIZZ were just entering the scene, so it was a freak show for the uninitiated. Anyways, here is a link I found where the split screen concept was used in that movie. http://vimeo.com/34593138 Maybe it will give you a few ideas as to how your story could unfold, if it helps... Rick.

Thanks for the suggestion and vid. Will watch it. Screenwriting is debatable so, I'm not going to be able to satisfy everyone. I did what I thought was best. Some had problems with it while others didn't.

Thanks all for the reviews everyone. Appreciate them. If you need a read, let me know.  

Now on to revising. lol.

Gabe (WHO HATES MANNEQUINS)

Quoted from Grandma Bear I hate mannequins.

Yet, you have this in your home...

Hey Gabe

Haven't read any reviews, so excuse if anything is repeated.

So based on the logline, I checked out the Clown Statue... I freaking hate clowns, Mannequins I deal with especially curvy ones

Split screen? well it's different, it doesn't bother me, just makes it a little harder to focus on the context.

page 2

MR. DOBKINS
I don’t want you to use this word
but, it fucking rocked...      either drop the curse or reword it.  It fucking rocked, excuse my French

page 5 confused me buddy
At the mention of the mannequin, the Mannequin turns his
head in Rosalie’s direction and moves forward.
ROSALIE (V.O.)
in your bedroom with a blanket
because...

I thought she was in the same bedroom as the Mannequin, so while mentioning it on the phone did she not she the mannequin move forward.
Her following response assumes otherwise. Also she is now doing a voice over, which now indicates she is not in the scene.

Bewildered, Mrs. Dobkins ponders on this question for a
moment before a answer hits her...  an answer

page 5/6 The parents were on their way home in the car, then your slug states they were at Friends house and Rosalie seems to be continuing her VO.

Finished

It was a nice take on an urban myth, just needs to be a clearer, clean up your slugs.

Overall good job buddy

Mark

Quoted Text Haven't read any reviews, so excuse if anything is repeated.

No problem.

Quoted Text So based on the logline, I checked out the Clown Statue... I freaking hate clowns, Mannequins I deal with especially curvy ones

lol.

Quoted Text Split screen? well it's different, it doesn't bother me, just makes it a little harder to focus on the context.

Hopefully fixed that issue in this new draft. I treated it like a flashback heading.

Quoted Text page 2 MR. DOBKINS I don’t want you to use this word but, it F**king rocked...      either drop the curse or reword it.  It F**king rocked, excuse my French

How can I argue that with a comedic genius here. lol.

Quoted Text page 5 confused me buddy At the mention of the mannequin, the Mannequin turns his head in Rosalie’s direction and moves forward. ROSALIE (V.O.) in your bedroom with a blanket because... I thought she was in the same bedroom as the Mannequin, so while mentioning it on the phone did she not she the mannequin move forward.

Yeah. lol. She had her back towards him. I cleared that up in the draft by actually writing she turns her back on him. lol.

Quoted Text Her following response assumes otherwise. Also she is now doing a voice over, which now indicates she is not in the scene.

What I was trying to get at with the V.O. was that the camera is focused on the mannequin and not on her.

Quoted Text Bewildered, Mrs. Dobkins ponders on this question for a moment before a answer hits her...  an answer

Will fix it.

Quoted Text page 5/6 The parents were on their way home in the car, then your slug states they were at Friends house and Rosalie seems to be continuing her VO.

Fixed that slug. Completely missed that.

Quoted Text Finished It was a nice take on an urban myth, just needs to be a clearer, clean up your slugs. Overall good job buddy

Did all that but, I'm sure I'm going to have to do that again. lol.

Take care.

Gabe

P.S.

NEW DRAFT IS UP:

added some foreshadowing.
fixed grammer as much as humanly possible
rectified the split screen issue...hopefully

PAGE COUNT NOW: 5.

Hey Gabe,

Love the changes you made. Reads and flows much better. I like the pause you added regarding Rosalie on the phone looking back at something O.S. An added creep factor for sure.

- Dirk

Hey,

stepped through your nice advertisement.

I liked some of the technical stuff, even from the start when you go OVER BLACK
with loud music which is TURNING DOWN, because of a cell call. It's a nice little piece the other way round, most time it's getting louder or stays loud...

I like the choice of doing something with split screens; that said: it was a bit too much or better said erratic (for me)

There was a point Rosalie became suddenly also a VO and I wanted to check out why... that kept me up from reading  some moments.

Hey,
I thought about if they could have had something like a big screen in the car. I just imagined something like an Ipad (maybe fixed under the windshield) which shows the scenario better. Just a thougt.


There was one sentence Mrs. Dobkins falls out of the role for me:

MRS. DOBKINS
Girl, I just let you use the tv in
my bedroom. What else do you want?

No problem, that she turned back after Rock music  into the mother she is.
But that's a bit too stuffy and unnatural touchy.

The last sentence mirrors the freshness of the script. Some modern elements including the babysitting horror plot. Stay on that. Thumb up

DIRK

Quoted Text Love the changes you made. Reads and flows much better. I like the pause you added regarding Rosalie on the phone looking back at something O.S. An added creep factor for sure.

Thanks. Gotta always ask and write in order to improve oneself.

PRUSSIANMOSBY:

Quoted Text stepped through your nice advertisement.

Welcome.

Quoted Text I liked some of the technical stuff, even from the start when you go OVER BLACK with loud music which is TURNING DOWN, because of a cell call. It's a nice little piece the other way round, most time it's getting louder or stays loud...

That point about the rock music came from MarkRenshaw's review. It's always good to read into reviews. Whether positive or negative, you'll get something out of them.  

Quoted Text I like the choice of doing something with split screens; that said: it was a bit too much or better said erratic (for me)

It's half and half. I"m keeping it though. lol.

Quoted Text There was a point Rosalie became suddenly also a VO and I wanted to check out why... that kept me up from reading  some moments.

In that scene, I just wanted to show that we're not focused on her. I'm going to use O.S. Shit. lol. Just remembered that.

Quoted Text Hey, I thought about if they could have had something like a big screen in the car. I just imagined something like an Ipad (maybe fixed under the windshield) which shows the scenario better. Just a thougt.

Thanks for the idea. I don't think it's plausible though since

Quoted Text There was one sentence Mrs. Dobkins falls out of the role for me: MRS. DOBKINS Girl, I just let you use the tv in my bedroom. What else do you want?

Fixed that. What I wanted to get a across was to show that Mrs. Dobkins trusts Rosalie.

Quoted Text No problem, that she turned back after Rock music  into the mother she is. But that's a bit too stuffy and unnatural touchy.

Mind explaining this part. ?

Quoted Text The last sentence mirrors the freshness of the script. Some modern elements including the babysitting horror plot. Stay on that. Thumb up

Thanks. I gotta add a few scares of my own.

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

because of the language barrier my comments sometimes are ending up with platitudes like thumb up or others. I apologize. I have to deliver that better in the future. I think your script is flawless.
I also forgot to mention that the Mannequin killer is a great one. His costume is creepy and could give a good identidication for features and shorts. He really plays in a league with the favorites of the past. Maybe I guessed others had mentioned enough before...

Quoted Text Hey, I thought about if they could have had something like a big screen in the car. I just imagined something like an Ipad (maybe fixed under the windshield) which shows the scenario better. Just a thougt.

Quoted Text Thanks for the idea. I don't think it's plausible though since

It' plausible in the case that: When you close the SPLITSCREEN, it could bring a further connection to what's happening in their house's bedroom with the mannequin, if we would see it, when we would see the girl let the cell phone fall down, than just hearing it in this VO/ OUT OF THE SPEAKER. But I'm not sure about. It would definitely fit to these modern effects with split screen etc.
But I don't know how a live-phone call works and which companies are there which produce them...

Quoted Text There was one sentence Mrs. Dobkins falls out of the role for me: MRS. DOBKINS Girl, I just let you use the tv in my bedroom. What else do you want?

Quoted Text Fixed that. What I wanted to get a across was to show that Mrs. Dobkins trusts Rosalie.

Quoted Text No problem, that she turned back after Rock music  into the mother she is. But that's a bit too stuffy and unnatural touchy.

Quoted Text Mind explaining this part. ?

That she falls out of the role and felt too stuffy and unnatural touchy is ONLY with refernce to the two lines I quoted. Don't know why you ripped them in two pieces.


"Girl, I just let you use the tv in
my bedroom."

So, she repeats the things that were happening, that she already lets Rosalie watch unblocked TV. That repeat feels like she's suddenly annoyed of Rosalie and Comes around arrogant (suddenly). Or/and that she's expecting a more suspect wish from Rosalie. Why? Rosalie comes around shy and lovely, it's the girl the parents give their children to. The word "just" gives negativity in this case too...

But, it's just my impression. Trust, what you say you wanted to show up, looks different than that for me.
Maybe it's the language barrier here again and psycholgical and linguistical you did it right from your view.

All my points haven't a real weight.

As I said the story is flawless in itself. The Mannequin killer's cosume would stand on its own. There's no white face as in scream. Just darkness.

C U

Thanks PrussianMosby

Will take comments into consideration in the next draft. I hate drafts. lol.  

He could definitely stand alone. Trying to see what I can put him in.

Gabe

Gabe

MR. DOBKINS
It fucking rocked, excuse my
french... the best line in the script

Page 3

Your slug changes from DOBKINS' BEDROOM to DOBKINS' HOME- BEDROOM... keep it consistant

page 5

Written in blood on the door is a question: Are you glad you
weren’t here?... take out the "is a question" we know it's a question lol

well this a tighter draft than the first one, would be pretty easy to film.

The only thing I would say is that it's too close to the myth that I read. Basically changing the mannequin for a clown. In other words if you kept the premise of the short but made it your own..
e.g lose the babysitter for an Aunt or grandmother... or maybe change location or have them SKYPE on their smartphones with the mom seeing the mannequin in the background on the phones and freaking out.

Just my opinion buddy.

Good luck

Mark

Quoted Text MR. DOBKINS It F**king rocked, excuse my french... the best line in the script

Quoted Text Page 3 Your slug changes from DOBKINS' BEDROOM to DOBKINS' HOME- BEDROOM... keep it consistant

Fuck. lol.

Quoted Text page 5 Written in blood on the door is a question: Are you glad you weren’t here?... take out the "is a question" we know it's a question lol

No one likes a smartass. lol.

Quoted Text well this a tighter draft than the first one, would be pretty easy to film.

That's more like it. Keep those compliments coming. lol.

Quoted Text The only thing I would say is that it's too close to the myth that I read. Basically changing the mannequin for a clown. In other words if you kept the premise of the short but made it your own.. e.g lose the babysitter for an Aunt or grandmother... or maybe change location or have them SKYPE on their smartphones with the mom seeing the mannequin in the background on the phones and freaking out.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Just add a couple of furnishings on it to make it look new. lol.

I understand what your saying. I'll give it thought especially losing the babysitter. I won't say no since I might have to change this later on. lol. But for now, the urban legend works on it's own with the babysitter included.  

Quoted Text Just my opinion buddy.

It's always appreciated and taken into consideration whenever I revise.

Quoted Text Good luck

We all need luck in this writing biz. lol.

Gabe

Gabriel,

I was going to give up on this which is saying something as it's only 4 pages... damn those slugs are a pain! I'm not sure how you're 'supposed' to write the split-screen in a script but the way you've done it is jarring as all hell.

That said, I am glad I didn't give up... this is one creepy ass story! Would love to see it played out on a screen. I am not familiar with the urban legend so I can't judge on how close this is in relation to that but yeah it was a really effective short.

Like someone else mentioned, the descriptions are lacking, and I think writing an extra 3/4 pages could really be a benefit. Plus, someone else might know a better way of writing the split-screen as I get why you did it that way. It's just really jarring.

-- Steve

Hey Steve

Quoted Text I was going to give up on this which is saying something as it's only 4 pages... damn those slugs are a pain! I'm not sure how you're 'supposed' to write the split-screen in a script but the way you've done it is jarring as all hell.

Didn't mean for it to be complicated. lol. I'll see what I can come up with.  

Quoted Text That said, I am glad I didn't give up... this is one creepy A** story! Would love to see it played out on a screen. I am not familiar with the urban legend so I can't judge on how close this is in relation to that but yeah it was a really effective short.

Thanks. I changed a couple of things. Not a a lot. Still kept true to the story.  

Quoted Text Like someone else mentioned, the descriptions are lacking, and I think writing an extra 3/4 pages could really be a benefit. Plus, someone else might know a better way of writing the split-screen as I get why you did it that way. It's just really jarring.

Someone offered a suggestion on how to format the split-screen. Going to give a try.

In regards to more pages, I'm always open to suggestions.

Thanks for the read.

Gabe

SIDE NOTE

Revised again:

Worked on split screen format.
Tried to answer blocked tv question

Hope this works. lol

That split-screen format is MUCH better. Like I said above, the story is fine.

Regarding, getting in some extra pages. I think maybe adding more pages to develop Rosalie a bit from the start would be good. Before the phone call... dunno maybe her interacting with the kids etc. Maybe some kind of set up for her wanting to cover up the mannequin? Just spit-balling.

PS. Do you intend on filming this?

Hey Steve,

Thanks for the re-read or glance over.

Hopefully everyone agrees with the split-screen format. lol.

I understand your pov about the set up. However, I think it will diminish the scare factor, make this piece longer than it needs to be, and it will not be original. I use the term original in reference to what I've seen so far on youtube. Some people have tackled this tale so, I tried to be different. For instance, the set up of her wanting to cover the mannequin has been done before and, I didn't find it to work.

I tried to keep true to the material that you will find in page 1 of this thread. I just changed a couple of things. Added a bit of me into it.

Maybe later on. I just don't have the funds and time now.  

Gabe

Aw man, I really wish I didn't read this one.  

Being a dad has really soured me to stories like this.  I'm a total wuss now.

It was well-written and all, and I'm quite familiar with the story, so I don't really have much else to say.  Ideally, I'd like to know that the kids survived, but I'm guessing that's not the case.  This story has always freaked me out.

-Matt

Hey Dressel

Thanks for the read.

The endings ambiguous since you don't know what room the cops enter. So in your case the kids live. and congrats on being a dad.

I thank my niece for this tale.

Gabe

The idea was decent, but I felt the execution of the story didn't click well.

As some have mentioned, the split screen was distracting and would be better utilized by cutting between the locations instead. The unnecessary swearing didn't fit as no one else in the script swore. The characters weren't set up with enough time and story so there's no emotional impact when it ends, at least for me. The ambiguity of the ending is ok, though I feel it's assumed the babysitter is dead since the mannequin was in the room with her.

I like the idea, but the structure just didn't work for me overall. I'd like to see it somewhat fleshed out and structured a bit differently because I think your idea would make for a solid short.

Rob

Thanks for the read Rob. Sorry for the late reply

The comments you've made have been mentioned before as others. I've also addressed them.

I'm not going to say never but for the time being I'm going to keep this as is. It's a simple straight forward story. Lol.

I actually have two more shorts I'm working on based on this character the Mannequin. Hopefully, I can a write a feature using these shorts as backstory.

Let me know if you would like something ready
Gabe

And speaking of late reply...

I know they had been brought up before, and sorry to be redundant, but that was what I came across as well. Hopefully the character and the further adventures will be put up soon. Definitely will check them out.

Rob

Don't apologize. I just felt lazy in repeating the answers lol.

One can not say never...especially when it comes to rewrites. Lol.

Gabe

Hi Gabe,

I like the story but also found it confusing in some parts. I agree with Johnny, I think the phone call to Mrs Dobkins would have been better if it was a V.O instead of the split screen.

Also this baffled me when "Mrs Dobkins hears Rosalie chuckle" this is after the mannequin has looked at her and has started moving in her direction. Being a teenager practically alone in the house at night, I would have thought she would have jumped out of her skin?


Lee

read my script The Peace Line

Hey lee

Thanks for the read.

The spilt screen has been a consistent debate on this story. Lol. It has worked for some while, it hasn't worked for others. My decision, I'm going to keep it in.

One of the reasons on why I decided to write this short was because of the split screen. I wanted to do something unique that no other short that has dealt with this material has done. I also wanted to try my hand in utilizing split screen.  

That scene you mention is when Rosalie has turned her back on him. It would be a whole different story if she saw him. lol.

Thanks,
Gabe

Gabe

Not entirely sure what you were trying to achieve here.

All I see is a setup for something potential creepy based on the urban legend you mentioned in the log-line...but that's really it. It almost feels like a trailer for something bigger. It could be something cool and weird to explore in a longer script as its not taken advantage of here which is a shame.

Regards

Col.

Hey Col

Thanks for the read.

It was a spur of the moment type of thing that I just went with it. And through a lot of falls, I think I got it down a bit right.

I wanted to keep the story as is and add a few elements of my own. Split screen, change the clown, etc. The story freaks the shit out of people, so why change it? Lol. It just needed a bit of updating.

I'll never say never in regards to a feature. I'm just busy with one right now. Lol.

Thanks for the read
Gabe

Let me know if you'll want something read.

It's very hard to write a review about a script that is only 4 page long. I was just getting into the story when it ended, abruptly .

I don't even know what to say. It was an urban legend that I have not hear about. I did not hate it, but I didn't love it either.

I liked your another short, horror, much more. (Are you afraid of dark?)

Thanks for the read.

I've actually had the opposite affect with these two tales. Lol. You can actually the urban legend in one of these ps ages. Forgot which page though.

gabe

Gabe,

Just checked this out.  4 pages, a simple tale.  I'm familiar with a lot of urban legends, but not this one.   So if your logline had been more ambiguous --- this would have come as a pleasant surprise to me.   I prefer the element of surprise, but... nevertheless, it was a little creepy.

Page#2 -- you forgot to Cap "so" in Rosalie's dialogue.

Was this more of a writing exercise, or just something you've always wanted to do?

Ghostie

Thanks Ghostie

Thanks for the read and comments.

You have a point there about the logline. I'm going to see what I can do about that. As many writers on here, I'm not good with creating loglines sometimes.

I believe any writing, be short or feature, is a writing execrise. It's all about getting it finished or getting it made. Lol.

This was something I got inspired into doing. I liked the urban legend, I liked the surprise ending, and I liked my use of the spilt screen. Lol.

Let me know if you need a read.

Gabe

WHAT?? lol...

Mr and Mrs. Dobskin needed distinctive name. I was tired of always having to squint (i'm on my phone) to see who was talking.

If the girl turned to her back to the screen, how could we see her biting her lip "like a chipmunk"? I know the answer, ut I
m telling you to don't give us camera angles. Just let us envision it ourselves.

"Rosalie, ask me" - Mrs. Dobskin would have just been like "hello, are you still there?" See can't see Rosalie's chipmunk face and figured something happened to the signal .

"unblocked" - She didn't even ask for the password! lol... just a minor detail you missed.

And now to the finale. Like,  I walk in a room and see a man STANDING  with a ski mask on, there would be no convincing me that it's a mannequin.   I don't care HOW STILL HE IS! LOL! I am locking myself in the room with the kids (or running out the house with them) and calling 911 IMMEDIATELY! The only person that would be embarrassed if it did come out to be a mannequin are the damn DOBSKINS! LOL!!  

But now I have to read all the reviews on your script to see what everyone else has to say about this.

Oh yeah, and it should have ended at "She hears a thud as Rosalie's cell hits the floor". The whole 911 call and the cops "barfing" just went in an unnecessary direction.

But this review sounds negative when I actually really enjoyed it. This would be a hella of a film to watch.  

Thanks for the read

Notes duly noted. I updated this.

Gabe

This was a very enjoyable read. I think you did a great job with all of the characters here, they really did jump off the page and I couldn't help but warm to them. For a 4-pager, I'm impressed.

I think the splitscreen was a nice touch that you don't see too much of. The effect of it going black when the mannequin came alive worked very well.

I do wonder how it would work if we saw the mannequin from the moment the splitscreen kicks in. I think it could be a lot creepier if it was in the background all the time. The title would perhaps lesser the surprise moment, but even now we can safely assume that a mannequin would pop up somewhere.

I don't have anything negative to say about the story. I think this would be a catch for an amateur filmmaker.

A few small things did bug me though:

Quoted Text Loud ROCK MUSIC is turned down. A cell RINGS.

Shouldn't this work vice versa? The cell rings so the rock music has to be turned down?

Quoted Text He beats music on the steering wheel.

I think this is worded poorly. "He beats the steering wheel to the music" perhaps?

Quoted Text MR. DOBKINS It fucking rocked, excuse my french.

How did he hear the question? The phone wasn't on speaker yet. Maybe Mrs. Dobkins could say that the concert was a blast?

Quoted Text ROSALIE Unblocked.

I think it would work better if Mrs. Dobkins told her the code.

Quoted Text MR. DOBKINS No. That�s too much power for a young female teenager to have.

But not for a young male teenager? I think the young is also superfluous here. Goes without saying with teenager.

Quoted Text MRS. DOBKINS My name is Mrs. Agatha Dobkins. I live at 393 Vegas Street. There�s a intruder in our home.

Would she really put Mrs. in front of there? an* intruder.

Hope this helped. Best of luck.

Thanks DS for the read.

SPOILERS

Appreciate the comments.

Mannequin early on - I think it will give it away to soon, nevertheless I will keep it mind.

Cell ringing/ loud music - how would she hear the cell ringing over the music? I was thinking that the cell is put on both vibrate and music. The wife feels it and turns it down to then hear the music.

The rest duly noted and will be fixed.

Let me know if you need a read.

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

It's been awhile since I've been on SS and I've been looking to jump back in. Figured I'd start by giving an old friend a read. FYI, I skipped all the other comments.

I liked this. It's simple, but I believe on screen it could come across very stylish and creepy. Format is good as usual and I really liked the use of split screen. You are also getting better with your dialog. It flowed very natural.

No real complaints here. For a short horror pic it works great. It honestly gave me goosebumps.

That said, I believe you could add to this. Maybe some more character development. And maybe show the mannequin a bit sooner. I think it might add to the creepy vibe.

Overall good job and good read. Thanks for the goosebumps Gabe.

~Zack~

Hey Gabe

Interesting little piece this.  A few things confused me; what did Rosalie mean when she said 'unblocked'?  Was it to do with the TV?  Also when the split-screen went black on Rosalie's side, I had to check back that it wasn't a video call.  Am I right in thinking the screen just goes back to INT. CAR?

The story though was pretty good; an urban legend type story (or is it one?)

Anyway, I liked it buddy.

Thanks for the read Zack and Allfy

This is based off a real urban legend that my niece introduced me too. You can read it on the 1st or 2nd thread.

It took many drafts to get this how I envisioned it. Lol.

To answer Allfys question, unblocked had to do with the TV. And when the screen goes black, the screen where the car scene is at takes focus.

I have a feature in mind for this character. The outline is ready. just need to find time to word it lol.

If you need reads, let me know.

Gabe

Hi,

I  quite enjoyed the concept for this.

Has been a bit of discussion on the technical side of this script , as in the use of the split screen. I did find it a little hard to keep it in mind and kept seeing a single scene in my head, either the car or the room. Not sure if there is a better way to write it.

Not really much else to say.

Thanks for the read. Will read yours. The technical side has been talked about but I'll still stick with this. As a writer, you're a director as well. Thanks for your input though.

Gabe