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Surrender by Mark Renshaw - Short, Drama - An addict struggles with reality while trying to live a normal life, but what little control he has left starts to slip away. 9 pages - pdf, format
Mark writes, [Surrender] which started life on Simply Scripts has been produced. [P]osted back in 2014, It has changed considerably since that draft as you can imagine!
Like No More Tomorrows, I ended up self-financing & producing this one myself. It had a lot more visual FX and my resources are limited, therefore it's been a mega long post-production. As it was, Al [Lougher] the director of So Dark ended up doing most of the FX for me in his spare time, for which I am extremely grateful.
Interesting story here. I read one recently, think it was from Marcello, that reminded me a bit of this. Only his character was dead, but he had the same " what's happening here?" premise that you have.
I like it. I like it when a character goes around his normal life, everything's different, fear and confusion set in, then panic. It instantly gives sympathy for your protag, and makes you pull for them.
I really liked the chain of people at the bridge--the lifeline, if you will. The visuals were good, the story went by pretty quick. But much like your last short, you need to clean up your typos, and your action blocks can be trimmed down some, giving us only what is absolutely necessary for us to read to get your point. It reads kinda like prose, and too much so at times when you need to be in the present tense--"He roars in rage, flinging the bottle" can easily be--"He roars in rage. Flings the bottle. " Thats not just a nitpick because you do things like that throughout. This can definitely be tightened up, and once it is can be turned into a very good piece.
Does he go back to this office twice to swipe the card? It might be unnecessary. He's already been there, yes? Slows down the read, but I know where you were going with the red light.
Also, your ending didnt work for me as I've never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous doing bedside visits. Perhaps he should just wake up with his wife next to him, thankful to be alive and away from the terrible nightmare he'd just had. Then have him at an AA meeting or something. Just a thought.
Anyway, not bad, had a good flow to it. It kept me turning the pages, which says a lot for your story.
Your opening slug is an odd one. It seems enough to say Bedroom, and you can go ahead and identify Dave in your description. It is confusing the way you have done it -- as if Man and Dave are separate characters.
But then, the whole story is a bit disorienting, and this is clearly by design. You have selected a unique path to chronicle the downward spiral of addiction, almost reminiscent of Alice's adventures in Wonderland, and most of this works quite well. I really like his magic bottle that makes everything alright -- until it doesn't. Nice.
I am not sure how I feel about the rhyming at the end, however. It's not that it is bad, really, and it is true to the rabbit-hole tone that you have established -- but at this point I wonder if your script does not demand a shift in tone.
If Dave is returning to the real world, things are going to be different now -- and somehow this whole rhyming segment seems far too whimsical for the journey ahead. I get the feeling you are trying to craft a serious work here, and the current conclusion seems to almost undermine that goal.
But those are just my thoughts, and I could certainly be mistaken. Would not be the first time. You have taken on a challenging subject, and your approach was fresh enough to pull me through to the conclusion. On the whole, I think it's a good, clever piece.
Your opening slug is an odd one. It seems enough to say Bedroom, and you can go ahead and identify Dave in your description. It is confusing the way you have done it -- as if Man and Dave are separate characters.
But then, the whole story is a bit disorienting, and this is clearly by design. You have selected a unique path to chronicle the downward spiral of addiction, almost reminiscent of Alice's adventures in Wonderland, and most of this works quite well. I really like his magic bottle that makes everything alright -- until it doesn't. Nice.
I am not sure how I feel about the rhyming at the end, however. It's not that it is bad, really, and it is true to the rabbit-hole tone that you have established -- but at this point I wonder if your script does not demand a shift in tone.
If Dave is returning to the real world, things are going to be different now -- and somehow this whole rhyming segment seems far too whimsical for the journey ahead. I get the feeling you are trying to craft a serious work here, and the current conclusion seems to almost undermine that goal.
But those are just my thoughts, and I could certainly be mistaken. Would not be the first time. You have taken on a challenging subject, and your approach was fresh enough to pull me through to the conclusion. On the whole, I think it's a good, clever piece.
Thanks Bert. I struggled a lot with this. For a short it's been more demanding to write than longer 'shorts'.
The opening with the MAN and then DAVE I picked up from some script format websites which suggested if we couldn't see the character clearly then you couldn't introduce him until you do. As Dave's in bed with his arm covering his face I chose MAN until he falls out of bed but I admit it doesn't read very well does it.
The ending took me forever, I too feel the ryming at the end feels a bit off and something different is required but I don't know what to do to resolve this.
Any ideas from anyone would be really appreciated.
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
About your ending, I would be inclined to leave it off with Emily's story. Just have her begin, and then trail off like... --like that. But I see Dave is crying, so you better make the few lines Emily says powerful and heartfelt, maybe even a tad shocking.
Also noticed this, bottom pg 7: Emily and Steve are stood before him. This could easily be Emily and Steve stand before him. It just sounds better, feels less awkward than what you have.
Then right above that: Sat next to the bed looking tired and worried is Julie. This should read something like this...A worried Julie sits next to the bed, rubs her face. It trims the sentence, and also eliminates the ing word
Okay, maybe not the best example, but you see what I mean. Your work has a lot of things like that, I noticed. You just need to play with things a little, find what sounds awkward and change it. It'll cut down your page count, and make the read a bit more easier on the eye.
Good luck on your ending, Mark. If you need a further set of eyes just PM me.
Not a bad idea. I liked the abstract nature of it all and yet it was fairly clear what you were going for.
With the exception of the V.O. rhymes, I think you could do away with a lot of the dialogue. It seemed like it was just there to break up the action. Little of the content seemed particularly important; just a lot of Dave talking to himself.
I'd tweak the opening so as to introduce Dave as Dave and not the MAN, a character title I'm increasingly less fond of every time I see it appear. Also, on pg. 7, you refer to Julie as Jenny.
Not a fan of the ending. I felt overblown, melodramatic, kind of a mindfuck, and most of all kind of killed all the subtext you've developed throughout the script by bringing it into the open and making it blatantly obvious. I think introducing these new characters could work as well as having Dave in the hospital bed but I'd work on the dialogue. It really beats the reader over the head with its message.
I liked it. I didn't like the ending either... maybe because of the rhyme... not the rhyme exactly... for me it was when you mentioned the 'rhyming monster' thing. I swallowed the actual rhyme part just fine though.
I'm not much interested in loglines, but if they're important to you, I would change this one here. The first part feels just repetitive and contradictory as well; the second part you don't describe what kind of control this is, and why/how it slips away. We don't even know which addiction it's all about.
What I mean. When I look inside what you've written in the logline, and what I can surely take out of it, I need 5 words. "A man fights his addiction." If you don't want to give us more precise points of identification, you can write it short in opposite to a long empty phrase.
Okay coming to your work:
"he whistles in admiration" contrary to the impression I have, this feels buoyant and in opposite to his VO, also that he goes Zero to 100 after something like a hangover, from whatever, you explained before (also too playful at all for a 30 year old to whistle at a girls picture for himself).
Okay some pages along and I feel bottles of alcohol can appear anywhere and I appreciate and enjoy these metaphorical surreal aspects.
How you treat these teleportation or better said mixed-up worlds of an addict mirrors the character of alcoholism. I did something more vague than you did here with cigarettes, but alcohol is a great subject to go with like that.
Okay, one point: The ending isn't for me. I liked the whole story "out of the execution of the ending". The poem feels artificial and non-organic. I think you maybe wanted to romanticize the end. Romanticize our life and chances: say that it's only over when it's over and we need to fight back into life when we got problems. THE CHOICE IS GREAT.
Do it just different. You can. Dave's not a poet for me. Search the other way of romanticize his decision to comeback and fight again. It must be there anywhere.
Meaningful work Mark. Very sensitive and courageous presented.
A small add: I think you could cut some of the action scenes. It gives too much of an Impression you go for entertainment. I feel more I'm in a studying position here. So there's a Point when it's all been shown and felt a bit overloaded with action...
Great feedback all, thanks for the reads. A second draft is up now.
I've cut the dialogue where it's just Dave on his own. I agree it's there to just break up the action and doesn't really work. Without it, there's more atmosphere I feel.
I've tidyed up and reworded some of the action as per the various suggestions.
The ending and the VO seems to split people on here and others I have shown. Some like the poetry some don't, but all agree it seemed disjointed at the end.
I've stuck with the VO poem theme but made it a complete poem rather than breaking it up and going into a normal VO like I did before. If this doesn't work I could go with Emily saying something along the same lines, something profound which breaks Dave out of his fixation with the bottle - but to be honest I'm really happy how it is now. Time to move onto something new
I've also added the bottle in the 'real world' briefly to serve as a reminder of temptation and a bridge from addiction to the beginnings of recovery.
Thanks again everyone. Especially you (and you know who you are!)
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Hello. I'm new here and just learning the ropes. But, if I may . . . I like the way the piece opens rather comically - a nipple tassel, a picture of a blond woman he doesn’t recognize. It’s disarming. Gives me an affinity for the character before I learn how tragic he is. There are places where you tell us what’s happening instead of showing us. For example, “It stinks. He winces in disgust”. Why not, “He sniffs. He winces in disgust”? I get the whole Alice down the rabbit-hole analogy but I do feel that all of Dave’s V.O.s being in rhyme is a bit over the top. As harsh as his reality becomes, it’s not quite fitting for me.
haven’t read any other posts so apologies if I’m repeating stuff.
Thought this carried a nice message of support. Felt a bit like a substance awareness campaign advert; though I appreciate the subtle approach to the subject and lack of dialogue. If it weren’t for the multiple locations and all those extras I’d think it wouldn’t be too hard to pull off.
That said I wasn’t quite feeling all the dialogue at the end and I wonder if elements of the hospital scene could be condensed into the bridge scene?
I liked the simplicity of Emily’s first line of dialogue, though the stuff about the ‘eyes’ seemed to hammer on a point that had already been made -- detracting from what was a good visual with the human chain.
That and Dave’s line about the ‘...monster who lives in my head etc.’ perhaps if that was used to tie back into Dave’s V.O at the beginning? Keep the V.O. to a simple idea...
Writing wise there’s a few minor typos -- nothing a close read can’t fix.
A little unnecessary description here and there. Does it really matter that Dave covers his face with his arm’? Or how he walks? Just little things like that to look out for. Unless they’re crucial to the story they can be omitted in favour of flow.
I’d also suggest clueing the reader in to the fact that the room he wakes up in is not his own. The picture/underwear weren’t quite enough IMO.
All the best.
Steve.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Mark writes, [Surrender] which started life on Simply Scripts has been produced. [P]osted back in 2014, It has changed considerably since that draft as you can imagine!
Like No More Tomorrows, I ended up self-financing & producing this one myself. It had a lot more visual FX and my resources are limited, therefore it's been a mega long post-production. As it was, Al [Lougher] the director of So Dark ended up doing most of the FX for me in his spare time, for which I am extremely grateful.
Well done for producing another film, mate. I'll watch it later when I have some more time. You going to be entering it into any festivals?
Thanks Dustin.
Yup, going to enter it into a range of different festivals to see how it does. Already entered a few but we're going to stagger the entries over a few months to spread the cost.
I got word yesterday that it has been selected by the website Film Shortage, which is hopefully a good omen. Here's what they said about it:
Such an incredibly intrusive film with an unforgiving storyline. We do feel like it is a little lengthy for a film of such few words, but overall it’s quite a mesmerizing and impactful film, we’d be delighted to feature it on our Daily Short Picks!
It should be up soon and they said they would feature it for two weeks.
-Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Sorry mate... it is a decent theme. I have it on my site too but it isn't activated. I may go back to Joomla as I think I prefer it. It has more functionality. WP is a little plain.
One comment tho. At the end, you have a person telling him that they can make it "go away." Those words are never said. That's the only mistake you made. My ex had drug issues, so, I went to a meeting with her, and those 2 words never get said b/c they fear the beast/monster like you wouldn't believe.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
One comment tho. At the end, you have a person telling him that they can make it "go away." Those words are never said. That's the only mistake you made. My ex had drug issues, so, I went to a meeting with her, and those 2 words never get said b/c they fear the beast/monster like you wouldn't believe.
Is the screenplay still up?
Gonna send you a PM. Again, great job buddy!!
Dan
Hey Dan. Thanks for watching and the kind words. I do have a lot of personal experience with recovery rooms and I do know that each one interprets recovery differently.
In AA I've heard a lot of guys go on about how they used to have a voice (or voices) in their head urging them to do bad things which ultimately lead to them taking a drink and becoming a monster. They claim by following the 12-step program they've made these voices and the monster go away. However, they are recovering alcoholics, not cured. If they stop going to meetings and following the 12-step program, those voices and the monster will return.
When the guys from AA are reaching out to Dave they are letting him know there is a solution to his problem. With AA's help they can help him make the monster go away, not forever, but just for one day at a time.
It's hard to get all that across in a short story but I do feel it's a bit strong to say it is a mistake. However that is your opinion of course!
If you look at the start of the thread the original script is there. It is quite different as it has evolved a lot over the past couple of years but the core of the story is still there.
Thanks again for your comments.
-Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
About the Writer: 2018 Page Awards semi-finalist Mark Renshaw can be reached through his website at Mark-Renshaw.com. An award-winning writer and producer, his last project earned ‘Best Sci-Fi’ at the Top Shorts and Festigious film festivals.
About Hyper Epics: Home of the 3 page sagas, Hyper Epics is a bold anthology series that offers diverse and exciting comic book stories on its website - http://www.hyperepics.com - and in print form. Each original story is packed with stunning artwork, memorable characters, and captivating stories enhanced with dazzling soundtracks. It is quickly becoming a go-to destination for readers worldwide.
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