Not Just Yet by Steven Harvey (NI-Gunner) - Short, Drama - A young man struggles to host a dinner party and manage the tensions his guests help to create. 14 pages - pdf, format

Thanks admin. Much appreciated.

Shit, that bad?

They're probably all watching Oscar highlights.

I didn't think it was that bad at all. Had a look at the first few pages. Seems solid enough. I'll have a proper gander later.

If you're desperate for reads then review a few other scripts. I'm sure they'll reciprocate. I'd get you to read mine but the last time I posted a good one Thatcher was still alive.

R

Steven,

A few notes as I go:

• Your first line is too novelistic for my taste.  It's not a good way to start your script.
  
• How do I know that the second scene is earlier other than you mentioning it in the slugline?  Think visually.  How do you show that it's earlier?  Do you have the "crimson" flow backwards?  Do you show a clock spinning backwards?  Do you superimpose the word "Earlier"?
  
• You write "cursor" but I think you mean "pointer".  A cursor is the flashing line indicating where the next letter will appear.  A pointer is white and moves around a computer screen.  I could be wrong.
  
• Tim's dialogue is on-the-nose.
  
• Why is the doorbell ringing a familiar tone?
  
• Again with the familiar tone with the smoke alarm.  Why?  Nothing is familiar about it yet.
  

I stopped taking notes when everything went crazy.

I'm not sure what I just read.  It might make more sense reading it a second time, but even then I'm not sure I'll comprehend what you're trying to say.

::SPOILERS::
Is all this going on in Tim's head while he bleeds to death in the tub?  Who's James?  Is the dinner party a figment of Tim's imagination?  I see symbolism in everyone's attire but it's all just too abstract to make any sense.

I think Tim is depressed over the death of James, he has some daddy issues, a fear of commitment, so he decides to kill himself.  Then as he's dying he changes his mind.
::END::

There's a lot that needs to be cleaned up but this is strange enough that it might make an interesting art film.

Jordan

I know 17 pages can be a bit of a task, especially when there are plenty of things to tidy up and rewrite, so I appreciate you taking the time Jordan. Thanks.

Quoted Text Your first line is too novelistic for my taste.  It's not a good way to start your script.

I'm gonna disagree for now. I think it's a nice visual BUT if more people flag this up then I'll definitely change it.

Quoted Text How do I know that the second scene is earlier other than you mentioning it in the slugline?  Think visually.  How do you show that it's earlier?  Do you have the "crimson" flow backwards?  Do you show a clock spinning backwards?  Do you superimpose the word "Earlier"?

Glad you flagged this up. This is a major problem within my writing. I just figured, that by the end the viewer would be able to piece it together. I'll have to make that clearer. Thanks for pointing it out.

Quoted Text You write "cursor" but I think you mean "pointer".

I think this is just a difference between the US and Northern Ireland. I think we're both right.

Quoted Text Tim's dialogue is on-the-nose.

Could you pick out some examples please? This is something I do try with, as my dialogue is quite weak.

Quoted Text Why is the doorbell ringing a familiar tone? Again with the familiar tone with the smoke alarm.  Why?  Nothing is familiar about it yet.

"A familiar tone" was my way of signalling to the reader that the tone was Tim's phone ringing in the real world and filtering into his subconscious at the dinner party. I have no idea to do this any other way. Open to suggestions. It happens four times to match the amount of missed calls Tim has from his Father.

Quoted Text ::SPOILERS:: Is all this going on in Tim's head while he bleeds to death in the tub?  Who's James?  Is the dinner party a figment of Tim's imagination?  I see symbolism in everyone's attire but it's all just too abstract to make any sense. I think Tim is depressed over the death of James, he has some daddy issues, a fear of commitment, so he decides to kill himself.  Then as he's dying he changes his mind. ::END:: There's a lot that needs to be cleaned up but this is strange enough that it might make an interesting art film.

You've hit the nail pretty much on the head. A depressed Tim decides to take his life, but as he's bleeding out this dinner party occurs in his subconscious as a way of unscrambling all his inner thoughts and fears. A dream-work type situation.

James is a friend of Tim's who was killed in a car accident, and Tim feels guilty because he should have taken his car keys and not allowed him to drink drive. This is why he freaks out when he spots the keys on the table. I am completely aware now that I tried to be too subtle here so that needs fixed.

The symbolism in his guests attires is just to do really with how Tim see's these people. I didn't wan't to allude to it in the dialogue as I think it adds to the surreal nature of it. He see's his Father/Boss as a dictatorial figure, his Girlfriend as a future wife, and Robert as a roadblock in his professional life and personal life, his depressed malaise and paranoia exacerbates these issues.

I didn't want people to be totally sure what is happening and to slowly have the whole thing become more and more surreal. I am a member of a short film network, in Northern Ireland, and this is going to be our first project. We agreed when we met that we wanted to do something unique so we settled on the idea of a surreal dinner party and I took on the writing. As it's something we intend on filming I am limited in certain aspects; budget, location etc.

Whether or not this works will be up to the reader/viewer.

Like I said Jordan, thanks a lot for the feedback. If you have any more suggestions for how I can make this better or clearer in certain areas I'd love to hear.

Hey Steven

Quid pro Quo.

I'm going to deal with story and not so much with formatting. Formatting is debatable especially when you're filming it lol.

SPOILERS!

Quoted Text James is a friend of Tim's who was killed in a car accident, and Tim feels guilty because he should have taken his car keys and not allowed him to drink drive. This is why he freaks out when he spots the keys on the table. I am completely aware now that I tried to be too subtle here so that needs fixed.

James was only mentioned once close to the end as the mannequin. If he had such a impact on Tim, I think he should play a major role in this as oppose to the small cameo. Have James replace Robert? It'll reduce cast and have more significance. James could be the brother invited to the dinner.  

I also think you should show Tim in the opening scene bleeding out in the bathtub and then, he's transferred into this surreal world. I think it'll be interesting for Tim to talk to his subconscious. And have Tim witness each conversation that happens such as in the tits scene btw Robert and Claire.

I would suggest taking a look at this script: Dreams in Dust and Marble by Phil Clarke Jr. http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1109443166/s-0/ . It's similar to yours and may give you some more ideas.  

Hope this helps and good luck with filming it,

Gabe

Thanks for reading Gabe. I will definitely have to read Dreams in Dust and Marble, thanks for the recommendation. Regarding James not being seen enough, I agree. Problem is, I really want to reduce the length of this short quite significantly so have to make sacrifices to get him in there more. I like the idea of having Tim witness some of the conversations as well.

Thanks for the feedback. Much appreciated.

Steven,

Here's a link to a marked up PDF I did of the first few pages of your script:  Not Just Yet

The large blocks of monologue that Tim spews don't really propel the story forward so I cut them out.

Jordan

Steve,

Didnt quite know what to make of this. Relatively, it was pretty well written. A little prose like but not overly so. It had a pretty good flow to it.

Even though I knew that either these people he's with are dead (or something), it did not ruin the read for me. It was actually very creepy. It felt like Tim was losing his mind with everything that was going on, and for me that's a big creep factor: loss of control. Good job there.

Other than that, not sure if you need to cap everything there at the end. I'm sure there's a better, more appropriate way to do that.

But good job on this. Felt a bit like I was going insane while reading.

Steve

@Jordan

Wow. Thanks Jordan. What a help! I get what you're saying about Tim's monologue... the reason I included that diatribe was to show where his head was at. I guess it isn't really necessary?

Another thing. You've made a lot of adjustments in those first pages, and stopped. I presume that's because you got fed up as there was a lot?

So, if you don't mind, could you give me a quick list of things that don't work in the rest of the pages? If not, that's fine obviously. You've been a big help already.

Much appreciated.


@Steve

Thanks for the read. Yeah, I wasn't sure how to do the last portion, and the caps definitely look out of place. This will be addressed in the next draft.

Quoted Text Felt like I was going insane while reading.

In a good way I hope? Thanks for reading.

Steven,

I didn't get fed up, I just had to get some work done.  

I have some other scripts to look at first and then I'll get back to yours.

Jordan

Ahh no problem.

I didn't mind the crimson wash over the white business at the start. But I'd have liked a bit more detail.

If it's just described as Tim's Bathroom and there's evidently a sink in it you're leaving a lot up to the reader's imagination. A few more details would have helped, even if it's just a few words - seedy, posh, spotless, old, shiny.

It's the same with Tim and his bedroom. Without any description I've no idea how you picture your location and protagonist.

I thought the speech at the beginning wasn't half bad. But it wasn't directed at anything or anyone. Even if it was him looking in the mirror it might have helped.

There's many who say you shouldn't have characters talking to themselves or their pets. I disagree as it often works. However, at present it feels as if he's doing it for the sake of it, which is far more theatre than film.

I really don't like seeing 'we' in scripts. There's no need and it doesn't help.

Halfway through I'm somewhat bewildered. And the phrase 'a familiar tone' is getting to be as grating almost much as Miley Cyrus.

I wouldn't say your dialogue is quite weak. Some of it's pretty good. Best way to test is read the thing out, preferably with someone else. Once you hear it you get a better idea. Some of the writing's not bad either.

I get the idea but it does need a bit of work.

David Lynch sound effects and dutching the camera during filming would add a lot, but that's stuff more for a shooting script than a regular script.

The works of Lynch and Terry Gilliam would be of help here.

But, it'd be better if you had a solid script before you add the bells and whistles.

I'd say the best thing to do is get your actors and yourself togther and do as table read and film that. You'll soon find out what works and what doesn't.

Good luck with it.

R

@Rendevous Thanks a lot for the advice. Much appreciated.

WOW! A year to the day and filming wraps! What a beautiful coincidence. Now to pester Don to post the final script used for shooting

Thanks to everyone who read and commented. The help was invaluable. Can't wait to see how it turned out. Check out the final draft guys/gals, Don has it posted now, cheers.