Steven

I thought this was an odd kind of brilliant; intense, disorientating and downright confusing at times...but that was the point, right?

You were putting us in Tim's mindset, a front row seat, via his frayed, maddening relations with those around him, the paranoia and exasperation he feels as he loses control of the situation and his very sanity. As if they are all in league together, conspiring to send him over the edge. The dialogue was perfectly pitched, a real strong point of the script, suitably frenetic yet completely natural.

Suicidal characters or charting a character's descent into making such a decision are as common as vampire or zombie stories. Any dramatic writer has written one at some point. Usually in the form of a serious of mishaps, tragedies or disappointments which lead the protagonist to the ultimate decision at the end. Its inherently dramatic and shocking thus obvious fertile ground to mine. However, the path you took here, the treatment you gave the theme was altogether more visceral, immediate and truthful. What you attempted is a very difficult thing to pull off, especially to depict it as effectively as you did solely on the page, and that should be appreciated and commended accordingly.

To successfully convey that is rare and far more important than some clunky prose at the beginning or a verbose opening monologue that, while not moving the story forward in the traditional sense,  totally gives us a window into Tim's frazzled state of mind right from the very start which all fed into the ensuing anger, suspicion, frustration, fear and pent up guilt. In other words, I think it works and should stay. The other technical formatting issues pale into irrelevance because the storytelling is so gripping and real.

I really look forward to seeing the filmed version. If you captured half of what the script did, you should have a very interesting film on your hands.

Best of luck with it.

Col.

I just realized that I read an earlier 17 page draft since the one at the top of the discussion board is 14 pages with a much revised and clarified ending.

Just so know, my comments relate to this older version.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I just realized that I read an earlier 17 page draft since the one at the top of the discussion board is 14 pages with a much revised and clarified ending. Just so know, my comments relate to this older version.

Thanks a lot Col. Appreciate the read. The newer version had to be trimmed down for filming reasons etc but I really think it works better. It's not just as surreal but I'm happy with it. We just have to find an editor now though from what I've heard, filming went really well and it should be a decent short film when all's said and done. Like I said, thanks for reading.