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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Not Just Yet Moderators: bert
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  Author    Not Just Yet  (currently 2843 views)
Don
Posted: March 1st, 2014, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Not Just Yet by Steven Harvey (NI-Gunner) - Short, Drama - A young man struggles to host a dinner party and manage the tensions his guests help to create. 14 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 6th, 2015, 10:56am
revised draft
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StevenHarvey
Posted: March 2nd, 2014, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks admin. Much appreciated.
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StevenHarvey
Posted: March 2nd, 2014, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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Shit, that bad?
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rendevous
Posted: March 3rd, 2014, 5:43am Report to Moderator
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They're probably all watching Oscar highlights.

I didn't think it was that bad at all. Had a look at the first few pages. Seems solid enough. I'll have a proper gander later.

If you're desperate for reads then review a few other scripts. I'm sure they'll reciprocate. I'd get you to read mine but the last time I posted a good one Thatcher was still alive.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

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Nomad
Posted: March 3rd, 2014, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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Steven,

A few notes as I go:


  • Your first line is too novelistic for my taste.  It's not a good way to start your script.
  • How do I know that the second scene is earlier other than you mentioning it in the slugline?  Think visually.  How do you show that it's earlier?  Do you have the "crimson" flow backwards?  Do you show a clock spinning backwards?  Do you superimpose the word "Earlier"?
  • You write "cursor" but I think you mean "pointer".  A cursor is the flashing line indicating where the next letter will appear.  A pointer is white and moves around a computer screen.  I could be wrong.
  • Tim's dialogue is on-the-nose.
  • Why is the doorbell ringing a familiar tone?
  • Again with the familiar tone with the smoke alarm.  Why?  Nothing is familiar about it yet.


I stopped taking notes when everything went crazy.

I'm not sure what I just read.  It might make more sense reading it a second time, but even then I'm not sure I'll comprehend what you're trying to say.

::SPOILERS::
Is all this going on in Tim's head while he bleeds to death in the tub?  Who's James?  Is the dinner party a figment of Tim's imagination?  I see symbolism in everyone's attire but it's all just too abstract to make any sense.

I think Tim is depressed over the death of James, he has some daddy issues, a fear of commitment, so he decides to kill himself.  Then as he's dying he changes his mind.
::END::

There's a lot that needs to be cleaned up but this is strange enough that it might make an interesting art film.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
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StevenHarvey
Posted: March 3rd, 2014, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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I know 17 pages can be a bit of a task, especially when there are plenty of things to tidy up and rewrite, so I appreciate you taking the time Jordan. Thanks.


Quoted Text
Your first line is too novelistic for my taste.  It's not a good way to start your script.


I'm gonna disagree for now. I think it's a nice visual BUT if more people flag this up then I'll definitely change it.


Quoted Text
How do I know that the second scene is earlier other than you mentioning it in the slugline?  Think visually.  How do you show that it's earlier?  Do you have the "crimson" flow backwards?  Do you show a clock spinning backwards?  Do you superimpose the word "Earlier"?


Glad you flagged this up. This is a major problem within my writing. I just figured, that by the end the viewer would be able to piece it together. I'll have to make that clearer. Thanks for pointing it out.


Quoted Text
You write "cursor" but I think you mean "pointer".


I think this is just a difference between the US and Northern Ireland. I think we're both right.


Quoted Text
Tim's dialogue is on-the-nose.


Could you pick out some examples please? This is something I do try with, as my dialogue is quite weak.


Quoted Text
Why is the doorbell ringing a familiar tone?
Again with the familiar tone with the smoke alarm.  Why?  Nothing is familiar about it yet.


"A familiar tone" was my way of signalling to the reader that the tone was Tim's phone ringing in the real world and filtering into his subconscious at the dinner party. I have no idea to do this any other way. Open to suggestions. It happens four times to match the amount of missed calls Tim has from his Father.


Quoted Text
::SPOILERS::
Is all this going on in Tim's head while he bleeds to death in the tub?  Who's James?  Is the dinner party a figment of Tim's imagination?  I see symbolism in everyone's attire but it's all just too abstract to make any sense.

I think Tim is depressed over the death of James, he has some daddy issues, a fear of commitment, so he decides to kill himself.  Then as he's dying he changes his mind.
::END::

There's a lot that needs to be cleaned up but this is strange enough that it might make an interesting art film.


You've hit the nail pretty much on the head. A depressed Tim decides to take his life, but as he's bleeding out this dinner party occurs in his subconscious as a way of unscrambling all his inner thoughts and fears. A dream-work type situation.

James is a friend of Tim's who was killed in a car accident, and Tim feels guilty because he should have taken his car keys and not allowed him to drink drive. This is why he freaks out when he spots the keys on the table. I am completely aware now that I tried to be too subtle here so that needs fixed.

The symbolism in his guests attires is just to do really with how Tim see's these people. I didn't wan't to allude to it in the dialogue as I think it adds to the surreal nature of it. He see's his Father/Boss as a dictatorial figure, his Girlfriend as a future wife, and Robert as a roadblock in his professional life and personal life, his depressed malaise and paranoia exacerbates these issues.

I didn't want people to be totally sure what is happening and to slowly have the whole thing become more and more surreal. I am a member of a short film network, in Northern Ireland, and this is going to be our first project. We agreed when we met that we wanted to do something unique so we settled on the idea of a surreal dinner party and I took on the writing. As it's something we intend on filming I am limited in certain aspects; budget, location etc.

Whether or not this works will be up to the reader/viewer.

Like I said Jordan, thanks a lot for the feedback. If you have any more suggestions for how I can make this better or clearer in certain areas I'd love to hear.


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: March 3rd, 2014, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven

Quid pro Quo.

I'm going to deal with story and not so much with formatting. Formatting is debatable especially when you're filming it lol.

SPOILERS!


Quoted Text
James is a friend of Tim's who was killed in a car accident, and Tim feels guilty because he should have taken his car keys and not allowed him to drink drive. This is why he freaks out when he spots the keys on the table. I am completely aware now that I tried to be too subtle here so that needs fixed.


James was only mentioned once close to the end as the mannequin. If he had such a impact on Tim, I think he should play a major role in this as oppose to the small cameo. Have James replace Robert? It'll reduce cast and have more significance. James could be the brother invited to the dinner.  

I also think you should show Tim in the opening scene bleeding out in the bathtub and then, he's transferred into this surreal world. I think it'll be interesting for Tim to talk to his subconscious. And have Tim witness each conversation that happens such as in the tits scene btw Robert and Claire.

I would suggest taking a look at this script: Dreams in Dust and Marble by Phil Clarke Jr. http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1109443166/s-0/ . It's similar to yours and may give you some more ideas.  

Hope this helps and good luck with filming it,

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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StevenHarvey
Posted: March 3rd, 2014, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading Gabe. I will definitely have to read Dreams in Dust and Marble, thanks for the recommendation. Regarding James not being seen enough, I agree. Problem is, I really want to reduce the length of this short quite significantly so have to make sacrifices to get him in there more. I like the idea of having Tim witness some of the conversations as well.

Thanks for the feedback. Much appreciated.
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Nomad
Posted: March 4th, 2014, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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Steven,

Here's a link to a marked up PDF I did of the first few pages of your script:  Not Just Yet

The large blocks of monologue that Tim spews don't really propel the story forward so I cut them out.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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SAC
Posted: March 4th, 2014, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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… but some dreams do

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Steve,

Didnt quite know what to make of this. Relatively, it was pretty well written. A little prose like but not overly so. It had a pretty good flow to it.

Even though I knew that either these people he's with are dead (or something), it did not ruin the read for me. It was actually very creepy. It felt like Tim was losing his mind with everything that was going on, and for me that's a big creep factor: loss of control. Good job there.

Other than that, not sure if you need to cap everything there at the end. I'm sure there's a better, more appropriate way to do that.

But good job on this. Felt a bit like I was going insane while reading.

Steve


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StevenHarvey
Posted: March 4th, 2014, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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@Jordan

Wow. Thanks Jordan. What a help! I get what you're saying about Tim's monologue... the reason I included that diatribe was to show where his head was at. I guess it isn't really necessary?

Another thing. You've made a lot of adjustments in those first pages, and stopped. I presume that's because you got fed up as there was a lot?

So, if you don't mind, could you give me a quick list of things that don't work in the rest of the pages? If not, that's fine obviously. You've been a big help already.

Much appreciated.


@Steve

Thanks for the read. Yeah, I wasn't sure how to do the last portion, and the caps definitely look out of place. This will be addressed in the next draft.


Quoted Text
Felt like I was going insane while reading.

In a good way I hope? Thanks for reading.
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Nomad
Posted: March 4th, 2014, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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Steven,

I didn't get fed up, I just had to get some work done.  

I have some other scripts to look at first and then I'll get back to yours.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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StevenHarvey
Posted: March 4th, 2014, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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Ahh no problem.
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rendevous
Posted: March 4th, 2014, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't mind the crimson wash over the white business at the start. But I'd have liked a bit more detail.

If it's just described as Tim's Bathroom and there's evidently a sink in it you're leaving a lot up to the reader's imagination. A few more details would have helped, even if it's just a few words - seedy, posh, spotless, old, shiny.

It's the same with Tim and his bedroom. Without any description I've no idea how you picture your location and protagonist.

I thought the speech at the beginning wasn't half bad. But it wasn't directed at anything or anyone. Even if it was him looking in the mirror it might have helped.

There's many who say you shouldn't have characters talking to themselves or their pets. I disagree as it often works. However, at present it feels as if he's doing it for the sake of it, which is far more theatre than film.

I really don't like seeing 'we' in scripts. There's no need and it doesn't help.

Halfway through I'm somewhat bewildered. And the phrase 'a familiar tone' is getting to be as grating almost much as Miley Cyrus.

I wouldn't say your dialogue is quite weak. Some of it's pretty good. Best way to test is read the thing out, preferably with someone else. Once you hear it you get a better idea. Some of the writing's not bad either.

I get the idea but it does need a bit of work.

David Lynch sound effects and dutching the camera during filming would add a lot, but that's stuff more for a shooting script than a regular script.

The works of Lynch and Terry Gilliam would be of help here.

But, it'd be better if you had a solid script before you add the bells and whistles.

I'd say the best thing to do is get your actors and yourself togther and do as table read and film that. You'll soon find out what works and what doesn't.

Good luck with it.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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StevenHarvey
Posted: March 2nd, 2015, 6:00am Report to Moderator
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@Rendevous Thanks a lot for the advice. Much appreciated.

WOW! A year to the day and filming wraps! What a beautiful coincidence. Now to pester Don to post the final script used for shooting

Thanks to everyone who read and commented. The help was invaluable. Can't wait to see how it turned out. Check out the final draft guys/gals, Don has it posted now, cheers.

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 7th, 2015, 10:14am
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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 5:05am Report to Moderator
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Steven

I thought this was an odd kind of brilliant; intense, disorientating and downright confusing at times...but that was the point, right?

You were putting us in Tim's mindset, a front row seat, via his frayed, maddening relations with those around him, the paranoia and exasperation he feels as he loses control of the situation and his very sanity. As if they are all in league together, conspiring to send him over the edge. The dialogue was perfectly pitched, a real strong point of the script, suitably frenetic yet completely natural.

Suicidal characters or charting a character's descent into making such a decision are as common as vampire or zombie stories. Any dramatic writer has written one at some point. Usually in the form of a serious of mishaps, tragedies or disappointments which lead the protagonist to the ultimate decision at the end. Its inherently dramatic and shocking thus obvious fertile ground to mine. However, the path you took here, the treatment you gave the theme was altogether more visceral, immediate and truthful. What you attempted is a very difficult thing to pull off, especially to depict it as effectively as you did solely on the page, and that should be appreciated and commended accordingly.

To successfully convey that is rare and far more important than some clunky prose at the beginning or a verbose opening monologue that, while not moving the story forward in the traditional sense,  totally gives us a window into Tim's frazzled state of mind right from the very start which all fed into the ensuing anger, suspicion, frustration, fear and pent up guilt. In other words, I think it works and should stay. The other technical formatting issues pale into irrelevance because the storytelling is so gripping and real.

I really look forward to seeing the filmed version. If you captured half of what the script did, you should have a very interesting film on your hands.

Best of luck with it.

Col.


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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 6:07am Report to Moderator
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I just realized that I read an earlier 17 page draft since the one at the top of the discussion board is 14 pages with a much revised and clarified ending.

Just so know, my comments relate to this older version.


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StevenHarvey
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Colkurtz8
I just realized that I read an earlier 17 page draft since the one at the top of the discussion board is 14 pages with a much revised and clarified ending.

Just so know, my comments relate to this older version.


Thanks a lot Col. Appreciate the read. The newer version had to be trimmed down for filming reasons etc but I really think it works better. It's not just as surreal but I'm happy with it. We just have to find an editor now though from what I've heard, filming went really well and it should be a decent short film when all's said and done. Like I said, thanks for reading.
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